Always in My Head

all the IF's in the world...

2011-04-19T21:21:00.000-07:00

I usually do not have any regrets, or should I say I really don't wonder about ex's much. I believe that once our relationship is over, and I've cried as much as I can and I have banished you to the part of my brain where you no longer exist there is no reason to wonder about you, or us, of if there could have been an us anymore because we are no longer together. Its my whole healing process mentality.

So I find it strange that this morning as I was warming up my car to take my mom to work my ex-boyfriend and his fiance walk right in front of my car and down the block to their destination. Out of NO WHERE!!! Why today of all days.. ugh..

How do I know its his fiance well first she had a rock on her left hand, and there was an incident that occurred on New Years Eve, but that's another story for me to tell you guys another time. Yet, there he was all talk, dark and handsome walking with his equally beautiful girl ( I don't hate on girls.. well... not all the time anyway, but she was cute) And it got me to wondering.. what if he and I had stayed together and not had the most stupid fight that ended our relationship.

Why was I thinking this? I really don't know... wait I DO know.. I miss being in a relationship and its getting warmer and again I miss being in a relationship but, I digress. Anyway, I thought about him and I and our on again off again 5 year stint. He was no good for me, a constant liar who I knew I could never trust because the words that came out of his mouth were often tall tales that I would later find out to be tall tales.

He and I first dated when I was 19 or was I 20... either way I was a lot younger than I am now and it was a whirl wind experience that lead to me finding out somethings that changed how I viewed what men say to me. During our dating, he was like my best friend. He would be there for me through everything and we talked about everything. He would help me with homework, and would let me go to his house when he wasn't there. His mom and sister would cook for me, and I loved being family. I thought that everything would work out and he and I would end up together in marital bliss.. but all that came to a screeching halt when he and I broke up over the most silliest of reasons, the reason well it was about going to see his mom at the hospital because she was having TRIPLE BYPASS SURGERY. Yeah you read right.. she was having TRIPLE BYPASS SURGERY and this morrafukka didn't want to let me go and see her.. (ugh what an idiot I was not to have seen the signs)

Now at this time I didn't see the issue in wanting to see her especially since she had known me for all these years and loved me like I was her daughter.. but what I later found out was that he was dating someone else and didn't want his mom to relay this message to me so to keep me from going he got upset and then broke up with me. Nice right?!? I cried for what seemed like an eternity. I even became one of those stalker ex-girlfriends who would call and leave msgs asking him to call me back, and saying that whatever I did I was sorry for, and that we could work it out. All to no avail. He was done with me... (again why am I thinking about the ifs?? Bare with me here)

But, what if things had worked out.. where would we be today? If he and I had worked it out would we still be? If I had gone to see his mother anyway would she have told me? If I wasn't so gullible and naive would it had been better? If we had broken up long before we hit 5 years would I ever wonder about him again? If he had never walked by my car would I even be writing this blog?

All these If's make me think about this song from Trey Songz.. its how I feel about this situation right now.. IF?!?

NO more Ms. Nice Girl!

2011-04-17T17:18:00.000-07:00

I think I'm finally getting help for my NICE GIRL dilemma! I have come to realize that when you're the nice girl you get shitted on more times than you can count. There is no justice for the nice girl. She isn't the one that is asked out! She isn't the one with the good looking boyfriend! Oh no..that's definitely NOT her.. Nope, she's the good looking boyfriends really good friend who so happens to be a girl. The nice girl is just that... a NICE girl. She doesn't get the title Hot Chick, or Sexy, Dimepiece, she doesn't even get the title Beautiful, none of those endearing terms that the nice girl longs for because, well because "Nice girls aren't beautiful" they are just.. well just NICE..

I have always been the nice girl. Never one to cause a raucous or to be confrontational. I am a peace maker of sorts. I oppose anything that disrupts the zen of my surroundings. Some of my friends would tell me that being a nice girl would get me NO but I never believed them. I just thought they were crazy, so I never paid them any attention, why would anyone hate on the NICE girl.. she's too nice to be mistreated..that can never happen right? RIGHT??? I wanted to be good an nice and sweet to everyone. That was what I wanted and I decided to remain the nice girl... now that I am approaching my thirties I say EFF that! No more nice girl over here!

Nice girls never get to have any of the fun, and at this stage of my life I am all about having fun. So as I embark on a new decade I am bidding goodbye to the nice girl personae and saying hello to the BITCH!! Yes I said it.. I am going to be more of a BITCH than a nice girl.. you know why??

The bitch is the girl who has the most fun, and according to my friends and some of my family members the bitch is the one that the guys want to meet. I don't really think that is true but its up for debate, I've heard many times over that men prefer a woman whose kinda smart at the mouth, and that isn't me but It might be something that I have to look into... I might have to do an experiment or two and see if this is the case. Now you maybe asking why does she want to be a bitch, especially now??

As I see it I have spent the last 30 years of my life being the nice girl. I've always been the "GO TO" person.. Hey you need some money "GO TO.." Hey you need your papers read and corrected "GO TO..." Hey you need a car to borrow "GO TO..." you need a cell phone I know she'll do it for you if you ask just "GO TO" and most of the time, or should I say 9 times out of 10 I'd say yes to the request. I would just feel bad telling someone NO. I had some strange feeling that it would be bad karma to tell someone no when I knew that I could do it. What I have found is that in this self-less act I've become used and abused and I've had just about enough of it. I cannot take this anymore and turning over a new leaf would suit me just fine.

Family and friends alike have taken my kindness for weakness, and at some points in my life I was weak, but not anymore. This new stage in my life has awoken something deep and hurtful in my life and I'm open to being different. I know that this is going to cause many to leave my life, and guess what.. I DON'T GIVE 2 SHITS!! (look at those cap letters.. I sound angry don't I? but actually I smiling as I type this)

I'm loving myself more and more these days. I see my niceness as my way of coping, a defense mechanism of sorts to ensure that everyone likes me. What I realize is, not everyone is going to like me and that is Ok! If they aren't with me for the good reasons then that is on them, because I am one cool girl. I have reached my wits end with being taken advantage of. I say no more to being the "GO TO..." girl. Its not getting me anywhere but broke and upset and I can't afford to get any wrinkles on this skin, I'm only going to be 30, I have years before I have to worry about laugh lines and crows feet.

As far as being a bitch to get a man, I think I might have to do an experiment on this because I don't see it working. But hey this book says that it works. I might just have to take a closer look.

picking a side.

2011-04-12T16:27:00.001-07:00

I was speaking to my friend today about graduation and our next steps. She has everything planned down to the last microsecond and here I am trying to figure out where I fit in. I don't know if to go left or right, up or down.. and here she is letting me know what she has done and is getting ready to do... Ugh... There are so many things to consider. Why can't I just choose 1 thing???

When she asks me about making my list and jotting things down and blah blah blah... I tell her that I am on the fence...and she promptly tells me : "choose a side cause that fence be rusty"

Damn man.. I'm stuck.. #fml

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Mmm...Mmmm...Mmmm.. Toasty

2011-04-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

The other day a soror/friend of mine asked the guys on our list serve if they had ever been toasted by a female.. Toasting is just the politically correct term for hollering at a guy or making the first move on a guy.. you know you doing all the cat calling shit that they usually do to women when they walk the streets. The guys were all (well except for 1) said that they had never been toasted.. or hollared at! Can I believe this...um maybe.. but I don't think they paid attention because some guys can be kind of vapid when it comes to come ons from women..

I recently toasted a guy... My bestie and I were coming from a grueling 2-hour session at the gym and she had to buy her hubby food. While making our run she points out that there is a cute guy with locs walking by. She knows I have this love for tall, dark men with locs.. its just a turn on.. anywho I proceed to honk her horn to get his attention, and he walks to the car.. I say my hellos, tell him that I think that his locs are nice looking and then say good night and drive off.. He walks to his car.... I think.. "hey this is my opportunity to turn the tables and holla at this guy" so I made my bestie run two red lights (Sorry) and go back to where we had met him and guess what.. he was still there.. (I knew he would be.. ok I didn't know I just guessed but it was a good one) I asked him if he was married, attached, etc.. just to get the specifics out the way.. and then I asked for the number.. had to make it quick, the light changed and we were holding up a dozen cars behind us. I got the number and said I'd call. I didn't call that night.. thought it was too quick, but I called the next afternoon. He said he was at work and would call me back. That was 3 weeks ago and no return phone call. Whatever..

I don't get it. I thought men would want to have a woman take some control, well that is NOT the case. Apparently from what the males on my list serve said men like to be the ones who are the aggressor. Yeah they like a woman to take control once in a while but they feel like a punk if the woman is continuously the one that is there taking control of the situation.. WHAT?? I thought a man would appreciate the fact that I took the initiative and took the pressure off of him because asking someone out is intense.. but I was WRONG... So what to do now? I have done the flirting thing and that was cool, and some men get the gist while others are dense, and I've done the direct approach and that was shot down too.. so what the next move?? Time to go back to the drawing board or should I try both approaches again?? Research needs to be done..

There doesn't seem to be any winning in this dating game. Just when I thought I had figured something out I find out that I was horribly wrong. This doesn't make any sense.. I need some light shed on this situation!

Get to know me

2011-04-07T20:25:00.000-07:00

When myspace was popping back oh so long ago I used to love to do those survey's about yourself and put them up on my page. I thought it helped people to get to know me and find out what my little quirks and intricacies were.. I haven't done one in so so long.. so I guess I'll do one now..

So let me do the one where I tell you 20 random things about myself.. It my not be all that great, but entertain me a little.

1. I am still afraid of the dark (#dontjudgeme) I must sleep with some kind of light on. Whether it be the TV or something else bright.. I need to some kind of illumination at night

2. I hate when people automatically assume that they know me. (YOU DON'T KNOW ME)

3. I don't like being the butt of people's jokes.. I remember when I used to hang out with my cousins and I always ended up being the butt of their jokes.. It used to piss me off to NO end..

4. I am very sensitive.. I cry very easily.

5. I don't like funerals.. I mean I really hate them.. I can't take seeing someone in a casket and knowing that they were alive a couple of days. It really hurts my heart and I cry all the time, even if I didn't know the person all that well.

6. I still love make-up. I don't do it as much as I used to but I still love watching youtube videos and learning about techniques that I can use when I do makeup for clients and on myself.

7. I miss being in a relationship. Its about to be 3 years since I've been in a relationship and I kind of miss the companionship that I get from a boyfriend.

8. It doesn't look like it but I am shy... (roll your eyes if you want to but I am.. shoo)

9. I wish I had a sibling.. my mother never had other children and I wish that she had. If I am ever with a man that is an only child himself, I will never get to be an aunt.. (THAT SUCKS)

10. I love being a teacher.. though where I work isn't the be best place to be I love what I do and I love my students.. (those rugrats get on my nerve something fierce sometimes)

11. I am struggling to find things to tell you about myself

12. I have 27 letters in my whole name.. first middle and last.. and this doesn't even include the hyphens.

13. If I came with a warning sign it would read.. HIGHLY EMOTIONAL!!! PROCEED WITH CAUTION

14. My mom is my rock, my backbone.. my biggest fan, and the biggest pain in m ass.. I love this woman to NO end but sometimes I wish she would just be quiet.. But I LOVE her to NO end.

15. I am still finding it very difficult to tell you things about me.. why is that..

16. Sometimes I feel like I am not good enough to have gotten where I am.

17. I don't speak to God like I used to and it bothers me.. but unfortunately I haven't done anything about it. I used to talk to him all the time and now I've just stopped.. I need to fix this problem.. asap

18. When I was younger I wished I was a lighter skin complexion. All my friends were lighter than I am and I wished I was their complexion.. I found that guys liked them more

19. I am not scared of turning 30 this year.

20. I used to pray that my ex-boyfriend and former love of my life would leave his current woman and come back to me.. but I realized that I don't want that drama again in my life. Once is good enough for me..

This was harder than I thought it was going to be and there were two times where I couldn't think of anything to write.. But yeah this is me.. just a little tidbit.. You got to know me.. how about you??

Hit them with the Fakey Fake

2011-04-06T21:48:00.000-07:00

I once knew this girl who couldn't stand me to save her life, but whenever she would come by my office she would hug and kiss me like I was her best friend.. Deep down I knew she didn't care for me as a person, and to be quite honest I didn't have a care for her either but it made me laugh to see how far she would take her phony ass to show that she had genuine interest in my life. She would ask questions about my weekend and how my love life was going all the while she hated me.

I don't know why she disliked me.. and to this day I really don't care but it always made me laugh when I thought about how far she would go to say that she had no problems with me, but what she didn't know was that I had other co-workers who used to tell me that she she said that she hated me, and blah blah blah, how I thought this about myself and what not.. .. WHATEVER.. The reason why I am bringing this up is because of something that happened to day.

I was in my office doing something for a student, but I had a meeting with some of the other 10th grade teachers.. I was running a little late and I had to haul ass upstairs before my oompa loompa looking AP found me where I wasn't supposed to be.. I ran upstairs with a quickness when I looked at the clock and realized that I was already 10 minutes late, when I walked into the room where the 10th grade team was the conversation instantly changed. Now I am not stupid! I know when people are talking about someone that just so happens to walk into the conversation, I've done it a million times to others so I know what this was, I just know that they were talking about me. I was the only one missing from the room.. as soon as I come in and sit down the conversation changes to the topic that we were SUPPOSED to be discussing (students and literacy, and blah blah blah). Knowing that I was the topic at hand I decided that I was just going to sit down and say nothing, lets see how uncomfortable I can make everyone feel by not saying ANYTHING at all to make matters worse and add to me suspecting that they were talking about me no one in my group looked at me. If this isn't a sign that I was the topic at hand then I don't know what else is.

I spoke to my mentor about it and he said it was in my head but I really doubt that. I know when I am being talked about.

I have to work with these people, I also have to teach with some of these people. I don't really care that they are saying about me, what bothers me is that I had no clue, I can usually tell when someone isn't too fond of me (putting it lightly).. These people were really good.. and I mean they were really good at being sneaky with their deceit. How come I never knew this whole time that these people couldn't stand me.. I tell you treachery is at an all time high now days..

But guess what.. I am not going to stop being me.. if they like me fine, and if they don't... Well they can kiss my... (you know the rest)

Naturally born slacker

2011-04-02T21:16:00.000-07:00

I have always been the constant procrastinator. Waiting till the last minute to do things. When I first started this blog it was because I wanted to write. I wanted to tell my stories or share my ideas. Yeah that feeling has come and gone and this blog still remains. I have thought about taking it down and deleting it, but then where would my thoughts go? I don't have them written down anywhere else. There are times when I just want to come on here and write, but then something happens and I can't.. (excuses) I used to be able to read others blogs and even that has become a problem.. what to do? what to do?

I don't want to take this down, and I would hate to not write and leave it hanging like its been for the last 5 months when I said I would write..

I tweet, I facebook, I text, I email.. but what I can't write??

This shit blows.. I have to find the time to write..

Just thought I'd share what I've been thinking.

Well well well.. Look who decided to finally do a POST

2010-10-17T14:58:00.000-07:00

So guess who decided to finally make good on her promise to update this blog.. Yeah yeah I know.. ME.. and this time do I plan on making it a continuous habit.. all I can say is I will try... (yes I did just have a conversation with myself) soo here is what I was thinking which led me to write this here blog... Have you ever had a moment where life runs away from you and you don't know when things have changed? This is what is currently happening to me. I don't know when it happened but I am not able to focus and get things done like I used to. I was planning on coming back to blogging months ago, but then I always found an excuse not to write, or was always doing something that took me away from writing and I finally have so many things to say, and write about that I don't know where to begin.. From school to work to dating.. there have been so many different changes both good and bad, but I guess I'll just give a synopsis of everything and hope to make good on my "I'm gonna post regularly" promise

SO here goes...

I guess I will update about whats going on with school both teaching and attending..
I love the school where I teach. The kids are great (well some not all) and so are my colleagues. I must say that I have been blessed to work with some great ppl. They have helped me to become a better teacher (especially since last year I felt like I was thrown under the bus, but that's another post for another time cause that shit right there pissed me the hell off.!).. I can't ask for a better crowd of ppl. As far as administration goes.. um.. I can't really say that I like them that much, but I can understand the constant worry about school funding, but the shafting of the teachers to put yourself ahead.. that shit is not something I will ever be comfortable with and I don't understand it but it is what it is.. I guess when you're given such a high powered job and you're not really sure what to do the best thing is to make it seem like its not your fault.... but I digress... what I think about administration is that they should always put the students first.. nothing should be done at the expense of the teachers and at the expense of the students but again that's a whole other blog post.

As far as where I am attending school.. I can't complain. I am enjoying my program and I am hoping to be done within the next year. I have some decisions to make regarding certification but that will be done soon enough I hope.

So here is where things get a little bit effed up.. what else would I be talking about other than my LOVE LIFE or lack there of.. this is where things aren't as peachy or as simple as the work life.

I have been dating but its not with ppl that I have a genuine interest in.. Ok, wait that's not exactly true.. I have been dating ppl and they have gone fairly ok, but its not like I would hope it would be. There are some ppl that I am genuinely interested in and I am hoping that something come out of it, but what I find is that I'm continually getting involved with these emotionally unavailable men.

I don't know what is up with some of the men these days but they aren't as secure or resilient as they used to be. I'm always hearing the same things so much that I'm starting to wonder if this is part of a new code that men have devise to keep themselves single for as long as possible.

I have been hearing the "I'm SCARED" bit all summer.. Its getting really old!

We've gone on a couple dates, talked laughed, kee-kee'd it up.. and then comes the bomb heard around the world... I like you but "I'm SCARED!" WTF dude.. SERIOUSLY!!!!

I'm at the point where I just wanna say F&*K this ISH and be done with it and be by myself. Now though it seems like a great idea I don't think I would actually go through with it because I do enjoy the male species and their company but the constant removal or admittance that they've been hurt has put me into a bind to where I wonder if this is even worth it.. But then I don't to come across like I'm jaded and bitter... so I keep an open mind

There is so much more to write but if I did then this post would be too long, so I'm going to end it here and hope that I can come back and continually write.

I've missed my blogger peeps.. I haven't done any reading like I used to and the writing well that's not like it used to be either.. I think I have to pen this portion of my day in.. or make a couple of days BLOG days..

But anywho.. I'll be around more often than the last time and make a conscious effort to actually update and post like I used to....

Um is this thing on...

2010-07-12T19:02:00.000-07:00

Yeah, and here we are again.. how many months later and still no updates on the blog!! WTF, yes I know.. life couldn't have taken me away from blogging that bad.. there has to be some time in the day to write.. yeah there should be, but I don't know where my passion has gone.. I think I need something to spice up my life, and help me blog again..

Any suggestions.. I'm all eyes to whatever you have to say.. please be mindful that I will try ALMOST anything!!

Thanks in advance..

Oh btw, no more promises.. just action..

Going to write as much as I can!

Missing in Action

2010-04-26T08:34:00.000-07:00

Damn, I am looking at this blog and I wonder what the heck happened? I had made a promise to write as much as possible but it seems like I have fallen off so much on this blog writing thing! So much work at work, and so much school work to do that I haven't been able to keep up with this writing thing, and though I needed it I was absent.. but I'm going to try to make a conscious effort to write.. something, anything..

So hold out.. I'll be back..

Scouts honor!

Black Love

2010-02-14T11:19:00.000-08:00

So, its is the day when we celebrate the ones we love or the ones we would want to love. Though this holiday isn't one that I'll be celebrating I can't help but smile at the cover of the new Essence magazine. On it, is the most beautiful couple I have seen, one that represents what I hope to attain one of these days. I am talking about BLACK LOVE. On the March 2010 cover of Essence is a picture of the president and his beautiful wife Michelle, to me they are the epitome of what many black women and men aspire to have, a good, solid, loving relationship that may have its ups and downs but you still make it work.(God willing)

Love is a word that is easy to say but harder to express, most of you may not agree, but the majority of you are most likely shaking your head at this (insert head shake riigghhhttt HERE) and when I say express I mean other than just buying things for the person you call bf or gf. I know many women who brag about what their s/o buys them and they attribute this to love, but in actuality its not cause just cause he bought you that Gucci bag that you were wanted doesn’t automatically mean that he LOVES you, or it might if that’s what you chalk up love to.. Anywho, I admire President Obama and the first ladies relationship. They express how open and honest they are with each other.

I know that relationships aren’t easy, it something that needs to be worked on daily, its just like learning to ride a bike or learning to drive, you have to keep trying until you're comfortable with it. From the outside looking in you might assume that their marriage is perfect. but, they revealed that their marriage has been tough yet they have made it work for them and they work on it all the time.

I think that this is what goes wrong with my relationships. I will admit that I am not one who makes it work most of the time. I am hard on the other person that I am with. I would say that its because I’ve been hurt but I think that, that would be a cop out so I’ll save that story for another time. I realize that the time it takes to work on it (a relationship) and have it work in my benefit takes time and though the person I am involved with and I have an argument or two I need to be understanding.. I’ll remember this for next time.

I remember watching the special during the Christmas season with them (Obama’s) and Oprah. Michelle talked openly about why her marriage works. She says that when it is "all said and done" she still likes her husband. At first I wasn't understanding what she meant, I thought she was going to say something poignant and philosophical and all she said was that she still liked her husband.. (my light bulb took a couple of minutes to finally light ) I just had to sit and wonder what she meant by that... after some thought I understood. Love goes far beyond just the words, and the gifts and the fights. Its goes beyond expressions, it extends to where you like the person despite their faults and arguments that you may have with. You have to like the person that you're with, in addition to loving them.

Ladies, how many of us LIKE our s/o’s ? I mean you liked them in the beginning when you first started dating them, but how many of you still LIKE your boyfriend? How many of you have instant attitudes when you and your bf have a simple fight? We black women sometimes have attitudes... well we have full bitchtudes but that’s besides the point. Yes, we do the neck roll and eye roll with the "You don' know me," " You ain't shyt" talk so quickly that we hardly have time to reflect on what happened to have the guy get upset, or why you're fighting with you. I must admit that we do things like this all the time and its hard to make a relationship work. Many other things contribute to the relationships demise but, Mrs. Obama says that there are certain things that we must remember and the main thing to remember is that you "LIKE" the person. Michelle says that she likes her husband even though they argue and if she hadn't liked him, then things would be much worse.

So this is the reason why THEIR marriage work.. well well well.. I guess this is what I learned today! I know that some of my married friends do not like the person they are with despite saying that they love their spouses..

If that isn't some philosophical shyt I don't know what is! Mrs. Obama made so much sense that I had to ask myself how many of my ex’s did I actually like? ............. (me thinking) what I found was that I really didn’t LIKE them especially since I couldn’t find reasons or ways to make the relationships work. Yes, I know the relationship is a two way commitment, and my ex’s did contribute to the demise of our “LOVE” but I will take blame for what I did, and I will say that I really didn’t like the man that I was with.

So my takeaway message is to make things work, in addition to being patient and kind and LOVING, i have to “LIKE" them, and talk it out and you'll be ok."

So as you celebrate you vday with the one you love plz remember you like who you're with in addition to loving them.. If it can work for the Obama's it can work for us too...

Happy Valentines Day

L'union fait la FORCE!

2010-02-06T14:57:00.000-08:00

As I get ready for my friends baby shower I can't help but think about how fortunate this child will be to grow up in this new era where Haitian people are better off than they were 15 -30 years ago.

I know hatred towards Haitians is still alive and it rears its ugly head now more than when it did years ago but I still feel a sense of pride knowing that this child will not have to endure the pains and struggles that many in my generation had to.

What struggles you may ask.. well when I came to this country midsummer 1986 being Haitian was as bad as having a dog bite you in the ass. I remember all the names that they used to call me just because I was haitian, and all the times I had to stick up for myself and tell people how great my country was.

As an immigrant in this country it is often hard to overcome the obstacles of being different from the rest when the rest who are different (like you are)make fun of you. When I came here there were so many derogatory comments made about my people that I often had to lie about where I was from. (I'll fess up to it, I was one of those Haitians who claimed that they were Jamaican, then became Canadian when they questioned me about my name.)Trying to hide my Haitianness (add that to your urban dictionary) was harder than I had expected. My name screamed HAITIAN but I tried to say that I wasn't. In hindsight I wish that I never denied this because my country held a history that is revered world wide. Trust me it never worked cause with a name like mine HAITIAN is all that they could think of.

When I attended catholic school it was easy to let my haitianness run free because everyone at the school was haitian like me. There was nothing to fear and nothing to feel embarrassed about because everyone spoke creole, everyones parents said their name with an "ou" at the end, and everyone had embarrassing haitian moments to share. I loved being there, I was no longer different, I was never made fun of (well not for being haitian anyway). I shared something with the others and we weren't outcasts.

When I entered High School I had a fear that the torment and torture of being Haitian would return, but I vowed that if I was asked if I was Haitian I would NOT deny it. Lucky enough for me that when I entered H.S. in 1995 it was the around the same time that the "Fugees" came out. In the group there were 3 people of caribbean heritage and two of them were Haitian and one Jamaican. Instantly I thought, No, this could not be. Never has there been a haitian in Hip-Hop.. (well none that openly admitted it), that is until Mr. Jean did it. I remember walking through the Halls of John Dewey H.S. and thinking shyt it feels great to be Haitian. Were is your Haitian Booty Scratcher scratcher now??

That summer when "Ready or Not" hit the streets of Brooklyn it was like a Haitian invasion came through. Everywhere you went you heard people speaking creole (the official haitian language) all the Haitians who had denied being Haitian came out of the wood works to celebrate their culture. On Eastern Parkway that summer every Haitians from all parts of the United States, Canada, Haiti, etc. came to show their love for their country. It was as if we needed a small doorway to finally being accepted and when Clef gave that to us, that is all we needed to make our presence felt. Every where you went you heard people screaming out "Sak Pase." (Whats up?) to anyone and everyone who was Haitian.

SO, on this Saturday in Black History month I want to give a shout for the one Haitian that I know that never turned his back on his people. He stood with the flag strong for years when many said that we had HBO!

WYCLEF JEAN!!

The son of a Haitian preacher Wyclef was born in Haiti's capital Port-au-Prince. When he was 13 Wyclef's parents moved to Brooklyn, NY then after sometime his family left and moved to New Jersey. As a member of the hit group Fu-gees Wyclef changed music to introduce the cultural styles of the caribbean and brought light to his motherland of Haiti.

Wyclef has made music with legendary singers Celia Cruz, Carlos Santana, Earth Wind & Fire, Mary J. Blige and many others. He has recorded remakes of legendary songs "Guantanamera" by Celia Cruz and "No Woman No Cry" by Bob Marley. His joy for making music resonates in multi-platinum selling albums.

Every time you see Wyclef you see the Haitan Flag. He holds it up with pride and honor. He isn't afraid to tell you of his love for his homeland. When the earthquake hit this past January Wyclef was the first to fly down and see if everyone back home was ok. (My cousin was on the same flight with him and King Kino that dreadful Wednesday morning)

I love and admire this man for his undying love for his country. I love that there hasn't been a moment when he didn't shout our his home. Wyclef I want to thank you for always being true to your country. Though many of us have denied our home you have NEVER been one to do so. While some people are still hiding the fact that their Haitian you have stood strong in your love for our home. Thank you for being a pioneer in this "HAITIAN REVOLUTION"

In our language I say, Wyclef mesi pou tout sa'w fe pou pep Ayisien yo. San ou nou pa kon kikote nou tap ye! Nou mande Bon Dieu pou'l toujou kenbe'w nan pla men'l paske ou fe ke nou kontan!! * (Wyclef, thank you for all you have done for the ppl of Haiti. Without you, we don't know where we'd be. We ask God to keep you in the palm of his hand, because you fill our hearts with joy!)

Always Reppin Haiti!!

Black History Month

2010-02-04T17:05:00.001-08:00

Its that time of year again, yes the time when all schools in the U.S. take the time out to give the African Americans some sort of recognition! As an educator I am not happy that African American history isn't part of plain old American history. I never quite understood why when we were learning about Abraham Lincoln, and George Washington they never threw in George Washington Carver, or Fredrick Douglas? Now that I am not sitting behind a desk learning, but instead standing in front of the ones in the desks trying to learn I insist on trying to change this one month of African American history by telling my students of the great African American entrepreneurs, doctors, educators, writers, poets, leaders that have paved the way for them. all year round. But, since it is the month of Februry, the one month designated to us I will take part in the celebration. I have told my students about those who were held captive and beaten because of the color of their skin. I have spoken to them about the trailblazers that were persecuted because of their differences or because they spoke up about the inequality. I try to instill in students morals and pride in who they are and what they are to become because they are able to obtain their education not only because its free but because it was fought for.

As the month is highlighted as "Black History Month" I want to take the time to acknowledge my leaders, my mentors, those who I look up to, plainly I want to take the time out to say acknowledge those who have made me who I am today.

Let us join in with the rest of these here United States and take a moment during this month to say THANK YOU to all those who have done something for us, and who are doing something for us!

I will start today with:

Dr. Maya Angelou!

Dr. Angelou is one of my favorite poets, and writers. As an english major and a lover of literature her works are some of my favorite. From her book " I know why the caged bird Sings" to her poems " Phenomenal Woman," and "Still I Rise" Dr Angelou has contributed immensly to the upliftment of the Black people. She has done so much for the African American woman that I cannot NOT give her my first spotlight.. Dr. Angelou spoke and organized with Malcolm X, started and organization with Dr. King, danced with Alvin Alley, her friend was James Baldwin. She spoke on Alex Haley's "The Roots." She read her poem in one my favorite movies " Poetic Justice." Dr. Angelou is definitely one of my favorite trailblazers!

As we celebrate Black History Month let us take pride in knowing that it is with the strength and diligence of ppl like her that we are able to be free!

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.
I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing of my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.
Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them,

They say they still can't see.

I say

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.
Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

The palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Our destiny

2010-01-21T18:06:00.001-08:00

If you haven't had the chance to pick up this month's Essence Magazine, I think you should. Outside of having sexy Reggie Bush on the cover (drooling... Lucky a$$ed Kim Kardashian) of the mag, there are some pretty interesting articles in there. One in particular struck a cord with me.

"God's Plan for you Life," by Bishop T.D. Jakes. In this article Jakes talks about the small intricate messages sent from God to tell you what your life's purpose is. He mentions that even as a young boy he knew that he had a calling, he knew that his ability to pray would lead him towards something greater, and that this was a message from God.

Jakes says that there are little clues and instances that let you see where you're supposed to be in life. Little voices (as he puts it) that let you know where you're going and where you need to be. Ever have that little voice tell you something and you completely ignore it. (Insert shaken head yes... right here)

I do believe that we have voices that tell us where we are to go in life. NO, these voices that are speaking to you aren't the ones that make you crazy, but you know that little voice inside your head that tells you that what you're doing is making a difference. I know I had this little voice and for a long time I tried to ignore it and put it off as me going crazy, or possibly fear because we weren't in a good economic position. This voice spoke to me last year (it was a lot louder than before) when I decided to apply for the New York City Teaching Fellowship. Something said to me, this is where I was supposed to be. This voice said that despite the hardships that might be placed in my way, I would make it and I would do it with the help of God and not to fear.

Everyone knows that NYC teachers aren't paid for the amount of stuff that we do, and sometimes we aren't acknowledged and some are deterred from the amount of work that being a teacher entails but you know what... I love what I do and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

If you're unhappy about something that you do for a living then it means that this wasn't the place for you to be. If you find that going to work isn't as fulfilling as its suppose to be reevaluate your life's path. What does that little voice inside your head or rather your heart say? You know you hear it, stop brushing it off to the side, stop ignoring it.. its speaking to you and you're not listening. Though the economy is bad, and you may need that paycheck does your job satisfy you? Do you feel like you've done something for the betterment of yourself when you punch out at the end of the day? If you answered NO to any, most, or all of these questions then this article is about you! Go and get this magazine. Your dislike for you job maybe for a reason... Trust your instinct (words from Bishop Jakes) God is pointing you in the right direction.. and if that direction isn't where you are now trust that you will be shown different ways to get to where you're supposed to be.

To quote Jakes " Do that good thing that comes naturally to you. Choose it over other people's approval or the pursuit of a fatter paycheck."

You will love yourself and love what you do if you do that. I know I do, and I did and now I'm at peace.

Devastation and Despair in Haiti!!

2010-01-17T18:19:00.000-08:00

Tuesday did not end like I thought it would. As I was on my way home I didn't think that there would be a natural disaster that would trouble my homeland and effect so many of us like it has. When I got home Tuesday evening I was shocked to see that there was a huge earthquake that left thousands dead, and hundreds of others injured.

Haiti is a small portion of the island of Hispaniola. It was the first black nation to gain its independence in 1804, it has gone through its fair share of ups and downs with regimes, dictators, and coups. It is also known for Voodoo though more than 50% of the ppl in Haiti are Catholic. Its the poorest country on the western hemisphere, yet it is the place that I call home. I was born in Haiti. I lived in Haiti, and I have family that still live in Haiti. Tuesday's massive earthquake made my heart skip a beat and shocked me to no end. Never did I think that something so horrible could happen.

As we tried to call and find family to no avail it became evident that this would not end any time soon. Many like us would go days and nights without word from loved ones, many would hope for the best though the worst loomed ahead. I had cousins that lived in Haiti, I had friends that vacationed in Haiti and I feared for their lives and the lives of other Haitians who had family and friends there.

Little by little ppl around me found out about their family. Many were happy and overjoyed because their worst fears weren't actualized while there were others who were in complete despair because their worst nightmare became a reality. I had no contact with my family and it was a bit discouraging and I was apprehensive about what would be said to me after I was able to get into contact with family. By Wednesday morning we were still wondering what happened to our family. We wanted to know what happened to those we loved. Wednesday night there was some good news, and then it hit. Like a ton of bricks it struck us in the face.. we weren't going to be full of joy for too long.. ONE of our most precious gifts didn't make it..

I had a little cousin (actually 2nd cousin) named Tessa that lived in Haiti, she was 6 years old. My cousin (her father) decided that this was the perfect opportunity to go home and get her to come and live with him in the states. He figured that this natural disaster was his message to have her come and live with him. On Wednesday bright and early my cousin took the first flight down to the Dominican Republic and cross the boarder from Santo Domingo into Port-Au-Prince to get his little girl. He was certain that she was ok, he just knew that she would be ready and willing to come home with him. Unfortunately when he arrived she wasn't there to greet with open arms. My baby cousin had fallen into line with all those who had lost their lives in Haiti.

It pains my family to have to deal with this, its almost as if we're dreaming that our little angel is gone from us. We aren't able to fully understand what happened to Tessa! I have been out of it since hearing that she was taken from us. We are very close, from first cousins to 4th cousins and so on, we have always been and will always be close. We love each other and things like this hit us harder then we would've thought. I haven't been able to comprehend why she was gone so soon! I didn't get how in a house full of ppl, of grown ppl at that, this little girl who was 6 years old had to be the one to go?

Why did my cousin have to identify his daughter by finding her feet under the ceiling that crushed her in this massive quake. Why didn't her mother go and get her? WHy did her mother let this happen? How could her mother let this happen???I am so mad, and so hurt, and so heartbroken! I'm upset and I'm blaming the only person who could answer my questions, her mother.. Why didn't she run to get her when the quake started! Why didn't she shield Tessa with her body? Why didn't she... IDK DO SOMETHING!!! ANYTHING.. WHY DID SHE LET MY BABY GIRL DIE!!! HOW COULD SHE DO THIS!!!

My mom says that everything happens for a reason, she says God is good and he does things because he feels that its right. He is a loving father and wouldn't do something that he didn't feel was right. She says that we have to try and remain calm, pray for the repose of Tessa's soul but to pray for those who have also gone to meet our Father in Heaven! I need to not be angry but understand that God does his own thing on his own time.

I am asking all my friend, co-workers, church friends, extended friends, blogger friends, blogger lurkers, and so forth PLZ send what you can to Haiti. Plz help rebuild my homeland! Plz hear the cries for help and do what you can. Donate food, and water, clothes and toiletries.. If you are going to donate, please donate to Yele. Its one of the best.

Also while you're at it.. plz help me pray for the repose of the soul of this little angel. Ask that God keep her close and near. That he protect her and that he welcomes her home with open arms.

We'll miss her but we're going to ALWAYS remember her..

RIP Tessa Marcelin!! WE loved you, and will love you ALWAYS!!

Here is the Haiti that you have NEVER gotten a chance to see!

Happy New Year, but I'm still not ready YET!

2010-01-09T20:41:00.000-08:00

2010 has begun and I have yet to post anything onto this site, actually I haven't posted anything since Thanksgiving and that is because my life is ONE HUGE BORE! I do nothing other than work and work and work, and my work is dealing with students and though that's a story within itself its not enticing enough to put on here, so I'm taking my time.

Another reason that I haven't posted anything onto here is because I haven't decided what I'm going to do just yet. I have so many things on the brain that I haven't made up my mind as to what I'm going to get into, or what I'm going to write that is going to convey my though process for the new year.

Give me some time, I'm trying to find myself.

OOh before I leave up outta here..

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Yeah 9 days late.. but still!

Giving thanks

2009-11-25T20:59:00.001-08:00

Today is the day where its ok to be a fat kid and eat to my hearts delight.. Ooh how I love Thanksgiving Day.

My family will be meeting up at my aunts house for dinner, but that's after I stop by my bestie's house for some grub as well. My aunt is going to introduce all of us to her new beau. I thank God that she's able to move on, 3.5 years ago she buried her husband, and she's opening up to someone new and I'm so happy about that for her.

Before I lose myself in helping after helping of glorious food.. I wanted to tell all of you what I am thankful for.

First and foremost I want to thank God for being a constant presence in my life.. without him there'd be no me.. My mom whose my everything. She's given me years of love and devotion.. Thank you God for giving her health and keeping her here with me.. I give thanks for my extended family who love me for me despite my insanity at times, thanks for my friends near and far who continually pray with me in all times, who are there for me through thick and thin and always giving me their ear. I give thanks for my bestie who through all our troubles and stupid fights have gotten to be better friends than anything, and for my god-son whose my little prince..

I also want to thank God for all of you who come and read this blog, I know I have my moments when I write and other moments when I don't but I want to give thanks for all of you because when I do write you leave your comments and they mean so much.. I love and appreciate all of you..

Have a wondeful and safe Thanksgiving...

Giving thank

2009-11-25T20:59:00.000-08:00

When you care so much it hurts

2009-11-22T09:12:00.000-08:00

Being a teacher in NY has its good moments and its bad moments. There are times when I love doing what I do and there are times when I wonder why God has put me in a place where there is so much trouble and so much pain. The kids are going through so much now a-days it makes me appreciate the love that my mother gave me.

This last week has been the toughest for me. One of my favorite students got arrested, and it broke my heart. He is such a great kid, so smart and so driven.. I wonder why he would go and do such a thing.. this makes no sense. So let me explain how I found out...

I was putting up some of my students work on the board outside of our classroom when my student (lets call him Trevor) ex-girlfriend walks over and says to me if I heard what happened? She was so distraught and was so ashamed to tell me. I said to her that I am open whenever she wants to talk to get it off her chest. She eventually told me that Trevor got arrested, for armed robbery. I looked at her dumb founded and heartbroken. She said that since Sunday he was in jail and that it doesn't look good. After the initial shock wore off I hugged her and said that we'd talk later because she was going to be late for class and so was I.

This kid just turned 17.. he was graduating in June.. he is in the top 10% of his class, how the heck could this happen?

Trevor has had a troublesome couple of years. He grew up without his dad, and about 2 years ago his mother passed away. Despite it all he's worked hard to be a good student. He did what he had to do in school. What made things look really good in his favor was that he was a Special Education kid. He was diagnosed as having "ED" Emotionally disabled, but with counseling and other services he had learned to control himself and was doing phenomenal... Not many kids within the Sp-Ed system did was he was doing... but lets continue... He was living with his brother and from what I heard, his brother wasn't taking care of him the way that he should of. He wasn't giving him the monetary support that he would need and it was getting tougher to hide the fact that he was wearing the same clothes all the time. I wondered why he wouldn't ask someone, anyone for help, but I guess its tough to ask when you're 17, and you're a boy, and you have all these other ppl looking at you, and you've got a strong sense of pride.

After class I went into the teachers bathroom and I cried. I felt like I was hit with such a hard blow, how could this have happened to him? He spoke to me, why didn't he say something. I told him that I was there whenever he needed me.. I gave him my cell number... if he needed money WHY DIDN't he ask me.. I failed this kid.. Didn't I? I had to get into contact with his brother so I went to see the social worker at my school. After trying the home and seeing if we could reach him on his cell she and and I got his brother and asked him about what happened? The brother says that he has no idea what got into Trevor, he said that the situation at hand isn't like his brother at all, and why would he do such a thing. I couldn't tell him that he was the reason that Trevor decided to rob someone, that it was because of his negligence that Trevor decided to take matters into his own hands and try to take someone for their belongings.. that it was his fault that Trevor would be facing a life that was that much harder now that he'll have a record. I couldn't say these things because in actuality it wasn't all his fault. Trevor knew what he was doing, he knew that if he did this he could get caught. He knew that there would be consequences to pay and that it woudn't look good. Though, I knew all of his I still wanted to blame Trevor's brother for not being the parent that he was supposed to be to his little brother.

I had to get to my next class, I couldn't get the situation off of my mind but I had to teach others, there were other students that I could possibly save from heading down the wrong path.

After school my social worker called me into her office she informed me that bail was set at 300K! *insert continuous blinks right here* WHAT!!! This is his first offense... he has no priors.. Its ridiculous!! What I found out was that, he was with someone who had serious priors and he is guilty by association!! He wasn't alone, the other kid that he was with had a record already and was the one with the gun and was the one who pointed the gun and tried to rob the guy but since he was there and was his accomplice he has to also pay the price!

I invest a lot of time at my job. I make it my priority to know my students and let them know that they can talk to me when they are having problems. I tell them that I'm there to be their ear when they need someone to talk to or rather have someone there who will listen.. but I find that this is also taking its toll on me..I feel drained and overwhelmed. I feel like I may need to see someone because their troubles are becoming my troubles. They tell me something and I sit there and ponder on it for days. I will ask them about what they're going through and after I hear about it, it consumes me!

I spoke to my social worker about this and she says that this is what happens when you care about your job, when you care about those who lives are in your hands.. and when you care so much it hurts. It hurts because you want the best for them and though you can't give it to them you still try!

I know I can't save all my students, I know that there will be many whose lives I can't take control of. There are many that will fall and many that will give up, but my dream, my ultimate goal is to try and save at least 1... If I can save 1 from making the most detrimental mistake of their life I will feel accomplished. I will know that I came into this and though its going to take some time to make it, its ok, I will get through to some...

as for Trevor, I don't know whats going to happen.. but I pray that he's ok!!

Its Ok

2009-11-08T08:51:00.000-08:00

ON Fb (facebook) there are these apps that you click on to give you words of inspiration or something to make you laugh, so ON this sunday when I was out with fam, and enjoying my time I clicked on "Know it all's" fb page and she had words from God, or rather thoughts from God.. SO I clicked and this is the message that I recieved.

God wanted me to know ... that it's OK. Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK.

I'm so happy about this message. It was right on time. There are times when you wonder about things and ask if things are going to be ok. Or you ask God how will you know if things will be ok? You ask for signs and words to help you through the day, and look he answered my prayers. I needed these words to settle into my spirit. I needed something to tell me that things were going to be ok. That no matter what is placed in my way and that no matter how many tears I've shed things are going to be ok, and to just be still and trust in him, and that is exactly what I'm going to do. Because everything is OK!!

You can't choose your family but...

2009-10-20T18:24:00.000-07:00

The saying is that you can't choose your family but you can always choose your friends and when you do choose please choose wisely. But, what happens when you wish that you could choose your family? Or when your friends treat you, and care for you more than your family would? What happens then?

Yesterday, after a day of being grossed out by the most annoying person (see my FB status) I had a long drawn out conversation with one of my students.

One of the jobs of being an educator is that you are also a counselor to your students and you have to always be there to listen. But, moving along...I have been watching this young lady and I noticed how angry she has been. She always seems like she's at odds with everyone and yesterday after speaking to one of her friends she decided to talk to me and explain why she's been so angry.

The girl hates and I use this term just as harsh as she did.. she HATES her mother and her family members. I know many of you have this puzzled look on your face, and I know that I did also. I asked myself, "how can someone hate their mother?" How can someone just say that about the person that carried them for 10 months, its impossible. I initially thought that she meant that she was unhappy with her mother but after her explanation I found out that it wasn't an unhappiness she had with her mom, the girl had genuine hate for her mother.

Her take on this is that her mother had 3 kids by 3 different fathers knowing that these men would not be in their lives after they were born. She feels that her mother should've known better than to keep having children with men who were there for a moment instead of a lifetime. She tells me in minor details the problems she has with her mom, her main point is that her mother is selfish. "What mother would rather spend time with her girlfriends instead of her 3 children? The anger is so intense that as she's telling me why she's been the way has she has a tinge of sadness in her voice. My student harbors so much hate that it makes her seem so removed and unhappy when at this age in life she's supposed to be enjoying the moments of being a H.S. senior.

I remember my senior year, my concern at this time was graduating and prom and finding a date but this girl its finding a job so that she can buy a coat so she won't freeze when the winter months come. I want to tell her that things are going to be ok, and that she should go to college away so that she can do things for herself, but I can't. I can't give that advice to her because its not my place to tell her that. I tell her that college will be different, I say that if she plans to go away things maybe different and many of my friends have done it. But she says that she can because she wants to take care of her little brother because her mother seems not to want to do that.

How does someone's family make them more upset than their friends. I know that some friends are family. I know that sometimes when things go wrong it is a friend that comes to the rescue but I am just shocked that this is happening to such a young girl. These kids of ours have to be protected, and if its not the ones who carried them in their womb who wants to protect them, who will?

There is a fine line when it comes to teaching, and I don't want to overstep my boundaries, but I don't want to leave her hanging because she did come to me to talk. I want to help her in any way I can... but first the initial thing I know I will do is FIND THIS GIRL A JOB and a COAT!

Family, can't choose them so what to do with them?

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!

2009-10-02T05:39:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Today is my 28th Birthday!!

woohoo!!

Stay tuned for pictures and other surprise randomness that will happen today!

To do or NOT to do!! Internet Dating!!!

2009-10-01T15:07:00.000-07:00

I remember going out on a date with a guy I met over a phone chat thing years ago ( I want to say maybe 4 or 5 years.) He and I had linked on this phone thing that my bestie had introduced me to. I was bored (yeah you know the drill) and I called and we connected and talked and we thought that it would be good to finally come together and meet up. When we met for the first time I was so disappointed.

Back in those days the first questions asked on a chat was age/and how do you look. Home boy told me was 5'10 brown skin and built. He stated that he worked out and was an avid gym goer. But the day I MET HIM.... Jesus be a video-recorder!! He didn't look like he said he looked. Homey ended up being 5'3 (shorter than I am) and he wasn't as nice as he was on the phone.. To add insult to injury he was just head and shoulders (NO NECK) then he was rude when we were walking in the street. I had no doubt that he probably wasn't interested in me, as much as I was disinterested in him, but hey no reason to be a D**k about it, but again that was some years ago...

Fastfoward to today 2009.. The internet has become THE way to find that person that you hope to be your "soul-mate," "bedroom buddy," or "bf/gf for right now!" After my last encounter with Mr. Head (thats what he will be refered to now) I became a skeptic of finding love over the net or even over the phone. I heard recently that Essence Atkins (Half and Half) got married to this man that she met off of Match.com Really?? I would've never thought that a hollywood superstar... (well a used to be hollywood superstar) would need help in finding a man, but again its 2009 and times have gotten tough on just about everyone so eh, why not here.. yet and still I'm a skeptic...

So, my friend met this guy on the internet. She didn't sign up on a dating site, she met him because he mailed her to ask about something with his admissions application. She works at a prestigous university and he was seeking admissions for his Masters and emailed to ask her about the follow up. She emailed him instantly and thats where their internet fling began.

The emails turned to a phone call, and then it went back to emails. She tells me that they'd email each other every day. She'd send him little notes through out the day just to say hello. He did the same. He spoke about them meeting up to go out on a date, and wining and dining a lot of good things being exchanged b/w the two of them.

They make plans to go out because the suspense of meeting is killing them. She says that they exchange pictures and stuff over the net (ahh the perks of technology) they like what they see and decide to meet up soon. The emails continue and what not then all of a sudden BLAM... no more emails. She says she went away because there was something that needed to be done with the family, but she still kept in contact. When she gets back to work the emails have ceased. No more phone calls either. She decides to call him, and he doesn't pick up. She sends him email and he doesn't respond. Now my friend says that she's over guys for right now. She doesn't want to deal with any right now. She's a bit heart broken because of this dude. She says she will never try to internet date again. Now I know that she doesn't mean that because she will try again, she's just going through the motions but I'm thinking... can you really find love over the net???

Still a skeptic!!

But as I am getting older! My birthday is TOMORROW, I do want to find love.. should I make that jump and at least give it an actual TRY???

All Men are Dogs!!??!!

2009-09-29T18:14:00.000-07:00

The day old saying by a lot of women is that all men are dogs! Women scorned by cheating boyfriends or husbands are quick at the mouth with this phrase and it makes some women wonder if it is true. Are all men dogs?

Yesterday, while I was enjoying my day off (Perks of Being a NYC teacher) my bestie calls me and tells me to log on to facebook because there is something that I should see. I do so and I watch this video that was posted on her page. I instantly click share and put it on mine because the message on it is so true. In the video this young lady talks about the notion that most women think that men are dogs.

She says that we women have lists with things that a man should posses but then turn around and that same woman doesn't have what she has on her list for her definition of a good man. The video goes on and the lady says that for a woman to find herself a good man she needs to be in love with herself. Not just any kind of love, but a deep passionate love. A love that knows no limits and only then will she be able to find a man for her.

I found this video to be so inspirational, and so true. SO many women are quick to point blame and point fingers at what this man doesn't have or what this man does have and why she can't find one and the reason why she is single, but in essence she's the one that has the issues. She's the one that is lacking and that's the reason's why she can't find a good man.

SO many women need to take a good look at themselves. They need to reevaluate their lists and their criteria. Some need to understand that certain things are attainable only if they possess them. This isn't to say that many man aren't messed up, that's the last thing I'd say. What I will say is that if you're searching for Gold, I am hoping that you yourself are as good as GOLD!

Though this video is specifically directed at women I think both genders need to take a look at themselves. Both men and women need to step back and take a good long look in the mirror. (Listen to Michael Jackson "Man in the Mirror") They need to take a good look at themselves and ask themselves "The things I am asking for in a mate, do I possess these things also?" Many will say yes but in actuality the answer will be NO!

What do you think?

Something to think about Sunday!!

2009-09-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

Love is pure and limitless, but it can't exist if there is hate! Learn to love, love to learn, and hate will have no place where you exist!

Peace and Blessings!!

Sunday Sermon!

2009-09-27T08:51:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since I've gone to church. Ok, honestly its a little over 5 months.. Alright, let me be honest.. I haven't stepped foot into a church since Easter and we all know when that was right.. But, I do believe in God and know that he's real and understand that he longs for me to worship him in his home. Lately I've been feeling that my place of worship has lost its spunk, its zeel.. I've been feeling out of touch with the place that I've called home since I came to this country 23 years ago. I've made so many excuses as to why I haven't gone to church I tell people I will go, but I have to find a new place to worship. Then I'd stay home and do nothing (like I did today) So I've come to the conclusion that I just need to get up and go find a new church or I just need to get over my stupidity and just go back to feed my spirit.

I am born and raised Catholic, have done all the sacraments and love my faith. I've been saved because he loves me, and I love him. Many people believe that being saved requires you to change religions, but that's the furthest from the truth. Being saved means that you acknowledge who God is and understand his unfathomable presence in your life, and you make Him the CENTER of everything that you do. That's what being saved means. I just have to find my way into his SAVING GRACE.. its taking me some time to get back on my feet with that but slowly I rise up. Like Donnie McClurkin sings "A saint is just a sinner who fell down, and then got up."

I didn't make it to church today, though my church gives you many chances to go throughout the day, I just slept. When my mom got home we had a talk. We spoke about God and his presence in our lives. I told her about a weird dream I had and it came to me.. I miss going to church. I miss hearing the sermons and the readings. I miss learning and delving into my bible and finding meaning to a sometimes meaningless thing. I miss understanding new meanings to a passage that I've read a million times over. I miss how my spirit felt fed when I left my church. I miss how I would tell people how different my church was from other Catholic churches. How much fun I had and how I danced to the drums and the guitars and how the choir sounded magnificent. In all honesty I can say it I Missed going to church....

So next Sunday this sinner will definitely get up!

Can't Knock His HUSTLE

2009-09-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

I am probably late on posting this but many have seen Jay-Z on the Oprah show this past week. I was busy at school learning and I wasn't able to watch the show... until last night. Let me first say that if you know me, you know that I am a huge, and I do mean HUGE Jay-Z fan.. loved him from the first time I heard "Can't Knock the Hustle featuring Mary" back when I was in H.S. I remember hearing that song and just vibing to the tunes. When Reasonable Doubt hit the stores I remember rushing to get the cd, and from since then I've been hooked!

Mary Sings:

I'm taking out this time

To give you a piece of my mind (cause you can't knock the hustle)

Who do you think you are

Maybe one day you'll be a star.

Seeing him on Oprah was almost unbelievable, mainly because Oprah stated openly how much she didn't like rap music or rappers. She protested against Ludacris being on her show when "Hustle and Flow" came out. She didn't want Ice-T on her show because of the way that he treated women, but here you have it, years later Mr. Shawn Carter on the set of today's most influential television personalities EVER!! Many will dispute how it came to be that Jay got on her show, man will give credit to many different reason's some may say that Jay being on Oprah can either be credited to him being married to Beyonce, or because Oprah has finally wanted to be open and hear about rap! If the latter is the case then why not want to hear about it from one of the best that ever did it, but any way you have it Brooklyn's Own was on her show.

I sat in front of my computer in awe of what was happening, most importantly I was upset that my friends that lived in the Stuy didn't call me to tell me that Jay and O were in town. I would've left everything that I was doing to see that, but it already happened and I can't cry cause I didn't get to see them.... *sniffle sniffle.* I loved how relaxed he was on the show. He was really humble and willing to talk about everything. Well almost everything, only thing that wasn't discussed was his wife Bey! We got to see a little bit of who Jay was away from the media hype. Loved how he hugged his nephew. He even made jokes on Oprah! The first half of that Oprah episode had me glued.

While they did touch upon the word "nigga" (they agreed to disagree) many things could've been discussed on the show in my opinion. They should've touched upon Oprah's dislike for rappers. How come she doesn't see the poignancy of the style of music. They could've spoken about the barriers that have been broken because of rap music. Some things were skated by and to me that should've been something that would've made a difference in the show.

Another would have been to have people who were actual Jay-Z fan's in the audience. Most of the people who were at the taping knew who Jay-Z was, but they didn't know his music. They probably couldn't recite any of his lyrics. Most were probably aware of who he is because of his famous wife but did they know of how he got there.

So many people have been touched by Jay-Z. His philanthropy alone says a great deal about who this man is and how he got to where he was. Came from nothing to something, and that is amazing. I am going to pick up the "O" magazine and read it. I hope that it contains things that weren't said on TV.

He Wants that OLD thing back!!

2009-09-24T13:14:00.001-07:00

I always remember the line, that "you don't know what you have until its gone." I've heard it but I have never experienced it.... until now. I remember a couple of months ago reading I was reading eb the celeb's post about wanting an old thing back, but I have never thought about being with someone old (old as in we've been there before) or wanting something that I had back. That is until now (I'm still debating.)

I had lunch with an ex of mine.. and NO it wasn't Ivory, I'd shoot myself in the foot with rusty nail than have lunch with that psycho but I digress. But yes I did have lunch with an ex. He called during the early morning and said that he'd be in the neighborhood, and would want to have lunch. Under normal circumstances I'd say HELL NO, but I'm trying to be a much nicer and understanding person, also its free food that I don't have to pay for... so I said why not.

Usually ex's don't get a shot at being friends no matter what. Being friends would require that we have no feelings for one another and also that he and I stay out of the way of being in confined close quarters so that no feelings arise. I know how I get, and sometimes I have no control, ok let me be frank most time I'm the savage beast that takes over and rips the clothes off, but that's another story!

So, we meet during lunch and its like old friends shooting the shyt. We talk about his job, and mine, our family, his daughter, him going back for his masters and me writing his recommendation (I might) and just some old friends that he has seen. Then he bring up our relationship of the past.

Now its one thing to meet for lunch with your ex, but its another thing when he wants to talk about what was. I thought to myself, where the heck was this coming from, and why is he asking me that. To be quite honest I said to myself, what kind of B***H S**T is this? Seriously dude.. you want to talk about what?

You have got to be kidding. So we continue with lunch, and we reminisce.. food was good too. Long story short I start to think about it during the ending of our lunch. How cool would it be that all this time that I thought that he was a sucker *ss sucker he was actually the guy for me? What would our grand kids say about us (yes it went there..) don't tell me that you don't think like that too.. It happens.. SHOOT!! SO, I lose all track of time because I think I have time to get back before classes start. I look at the time and finally realize what time it is, and I have to rush back into school. He drops me off and says that he'll be in touch, and its for two reasons.. one is to talk about his Masters and the second is to see when we could see each other again and see if we can make things right?

As I walk back into my classroom I think, would getting back together be a good idea?
Can I re-date someone I broke up with years ago?

Would you re-date someone because they claimed that they changed and that things are different now?

1st Change

2009-09-23T05:41:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to get back into blogging and blog reading, but I have found with my schedule and my time I haven't been able to. This new job as an educator has totally changed my life beyond words. Add to that I haven't been able to fall asleep at a decent time so I wake up very groggy and I can't be a productive educator if I am falling asleep in my own class. But while perusing the blogosophere I am intrigued by some of the blog pages that I've seen. I figured that I wanted to change the template on my blog page. I think that will spice up my time and give me something to do to make my page more alive. I was reading Luvvie's blog about blogging and she mentioned googling blog templates so that's what I'm doing.

Stay tuned for a new blog page..

Soon!

Changes

2009-09-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

Hi my blog family! How has everyone been? Yes been away for sometime now, and I haven't had the time to come on and write or read blogs and I feel so bad about that. Got to time manage better

But be prepared! Some changes are coming!! Just look out for it!

TTYLS!

Broken - Michael J. Jackson

2009-06-27T11:41:00.000-07:00

As I sit here typing this blog, I am in tears. It feels as if someone from my own family has passed away. It has taken me a couple of days to get over this feeling of awe and disbelief. I feel like some part of me has been torn out and shred into peaces. I sit and look at video's of Michael and I question why he had to go? He was on the verge of coming back to redefine himself. Why will he not have the chance to do that? Why will we not get to see him do what he loved?

God why did he have to go so soon? Why did you take him from us? Lord I know your perfect will be done but I just don't understand. I guess its not for me to understand but to just accept but I am having a real hard time trying to gather the reason or rather accept this loss, I really can't gather the reason as to why.

I remember my mom telling me that as a kid the only way for me to eat was to play the song "Heal the World" I loved that song, and even still today that is one of my favorite Michael collaborations. He was an icon, a true troubadour of pop culture. He reached so many people from here and across seas that hearing him go has left a void in my heart.

Media made a mockery of who he was, they said untrue things about a man that broke the mold and made leaps and crossed bounds when many were afraid. He came up during a time of segregation and hatred for the blacks but he was accepted and revered by all those who came into contact with him. Everyone loved his music, and they loved him.

Lord again why?? I am trying to accept but I'm finding trouble getting past the question of why? Yes it is Human nature, but I'm still having trouble please help me to understand.

While many are saddened by his death, others are happy because they didn't see the beauty in who he was, many only saw the bad things that the media posted about him. They didn't see the humanitarianism that he did, they didn't see the unity that he provided, they didn't take into account the barriers he broke just by being MICHAEL JACKSON!

I was in love with Michael from the first time I saw the replay of Motown 25 in 1987. I had just come up from Haiti and they played this and I just knew that one day I would end up marrying Michael. LOL... I remember watching the Moonwalker movie and wishing I was the little girl in the movie.. I wanted Michael to come and save me. He was just so suave and cool, everything about him was so cool.. If you have never seen the movie Moonwalker now is the time to definitely see it. I loved it! I can't believe I have to say goodbye to Michael!! I just can't believe it...

There was something about this young man, you knew who he was no matter where you came from, NO matter what language you spoke just saying his name would bridge any language gap that you and another person may have.

Sadly on June 25th he was taken from us. He was only 50... he had years ahead of him.. I don't care what he looked like, I don't care how light he was, or how much plastic surgery he had, he was MICHAEL!! Michael didn't need to explain himself, he was who he was and that was it.

So as I sit here crying my eyes out because of the loss of this great person, please remember to tell your loved ones that you care for them, please don't let the minor things become major problems because tomorrow isn't promised to us. We aren't sure how the next moment will turn out.

I LOVE YOU MICHAEL!! I ALWAYS WILL
MICHAEL J. JACKSON ~ AUGUST 29,1958- JUNE 25, 2009

THE BEST THAT EVER DID IT!!

OH AND OF COURSE MY FAVORITE MICHAEL JACKSON VIDEO'S OF ALL TIME!!

AND OF COURSE

Long Pause

2009-06-21T00:12:00.000-07:00

Blogger fam please forgive me for being missing in action. I have been busy leaving one job and starting my program which will transform me into being a teacher. I haven't had much to blog about it.. things have been going kinda slow though.. only thing that has been exciting is that the Lakers won the NBA championship and that my ex boyfriend owes me $100 because we made a bet as to whom was going to win the championship.. he had his money on Lebron but I knew better..

SO here I am writing a blog on nothing to tell you that I have been doing nothing and have Nothing to blog about.. but I hope to find something new and exciting to say..

another thing is that I haven't been keeping up with those who I always read.. I'm so behind.. so much to catch up to. I am going to try and catch up this week.. hopefully it works out

But blog peeps I'll be in touch..

Love yall

MUAH!

New York is the worst place to meet a man

2009-05-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks (maybe about 3 or so ago) on Tyra the Millionaire Matchmaker stated that NYC was the worst place to meet a man. Though I didn't particularly watch the episode some of my friends posted the interview on a list serv and we openly discussed what she said. She states that NYC ratio of women to men is 5:1! Really!?! There is a big shock.. (insert sarcasm) This I already knew, while sitting outside on the steps of my job I take notice of how many women to men there are walking on 5th Ave. There are some very handsome men out there but if you are looking to see a whole slue of them lunch hour is the best time to catch them. But before we got to the nitty gritty of the "NYC is the worst place to meet a man" many of my friends were thinking that the millionaire matchmaker was right on the money.

Our discussion first went this way.

Friend1 : I agree, it is so hard to find a man in New York

Friend 2: Oh hell yeah, here are too many women out there and not enough guys to go around

Friend 3: I think I need to move out of New York to meet a marrying man!

Friend 4: Its not hard to meet men in New York, you guys are just way to damn picky

Insert instant :: NO THATS NOT TRUE REMARKS....RIIGHT HERE!!

Then you had many of my friends that agreed with "friend 4" and said that the problem wasn't meeting the man, the problem was finding a man that suited you and a man who would want to be in a committed relationship was what was the main problem. Many of us meet men on the regular, weather it be on the train, walking to Starbucks, or Dunkin Donuts for coffee, at the gym, work, everywhere and anywhere.. we meet men in an enormous amount of places, but how many of these men are you actually interested in? How many of these men grab your attention where you think he can be boyfriend material or even husband material? Chances are that that number is slim to none. But, why is that.. why is it that we're not interested in some of the guys that we meet @ random?

On any given day you come into contact with load (yes I said loads) of men, some you find handsome, or sexy or just fuccable (pardon the harsh word) there are some you find attractive and others you wouldn't give the time of day because of something, or nothing. But all in all you meet men in this great city @ random so easily. But why is it that living in NY is so hard on women when it comes to dating? Why are the men that we would want to date seem to be non-existent. Is it because there are so many women out there that men don't want to settle down with just one? Are there so few and far in between single males in the city that we are just to sit and just be seconds to someone else man? Is it true that NYC is the worst place to find a man??

I know that in ATL there almost NO straight men so I can understand the scarcity of relationship material but seriously NYC???

Like many of my females living in this city, I've had my fair share of horrible dates and crazy boyfriends. I've met some men that I thought were boyfriend material and others that I wouldn't give a second glance at. But I don't think that this is the worst place to meet a man, I would say that it is the hardest. There are too many women in this city. SO many women here so I can see how men can be indecisive when it comes to finding one to be with but that's why you must make yourself more desirable than the others.

For those of you who live here, would you say that living in NY makes it harder to meet a man? Do you believe that NYC is the worst place to meet a man?

Let me know your experiences and your thoughts.

metro sexual does not = to gay!!

2009-04-28T13:36:00.000-07:00

While making my trip around the office cause these are my last days in the office, my co-worker stops me and asks me a very random question.. he asks if a metro-sexual man can be deemed gay? Wth? Where did this question come from and why was he asking me? But I decided to oblige and answer; At first I was going to say yes, but then I thought no.

See, I like a well groomed man. A man who knows how to wear his clothes and not have his clothes wear him. But many men can take this the wrong way and see it as guy being undercover gay. Just cause a guy takes pleasure in keeping himself clean and proper doesn't mean that he's gay. Not by any means is he gay. I just think that he has a strong sense of self and takes pride in making sure that his shoes are clean, his clothes are well done his hair is freshly cut and that his nails do not have dirt under them. Read "How to know if you're a Metrosexual" The men that I consider metro-sexual are always well taken care of.

Here are some guys that I consider metro-sexual.

John Legend

Jude Law

David Beckham (he is so sexxxy, just damn)

Brian White ( I LOVE HIM, I'd have his babies if he and I met but that's another story)

and of course the quintessential metro-sexual male in my book, who is sometimes seen as a homosexual would have to be my homey..

Kanye West

Now that I got your attention on the subject matter you see what I am talking about when I say metro sexual males. I know some of you may not agree when it comes to Kanye but I don't think he's gay, and if he is so what the man knows how to dress. A well dressed man is like finding the right pair of shoes. When you find one you just sit and watch in awe and admiration and also its just a great thing. I love a well groomed man and these men are well groomed. Why does a man's sexuality have to be questioned when he is clean and wrinkle free? If a guy goes to get his hands manicured or gets a pedicure he's questionable. Wearing pink doesn't make you gay or questionable either ( I think a real man can wear pink and look fabulous in it) You aren't gay if you wear a pink shirt, that myth is for little boys who think girls have cooties...

See Kanye makes it look GOOD!!

Ladies don't you love when you man looks and smells good?? I know I do, I can sniff you or make a reason to walk by and smell you if you're on of the guys who splash (not bathe in) good smelling cologne. Guys don't you like to smell and look good? Does it make you gay if you are in a certain attire? Do you look at a guy suspiciously if he's doing something that you wouldn't consider manly??

Let me know your thoughts!!

Metro-sexual does not = gay!! Well in my book it doesn't

Honesty is always the best policy

2009-04-20T11:37:00.000-07:00

I remember blogging a while back about being honest and telling what I feel and not keeping things away from anyone, cause in the end it hurts me in addition to hurting the other person. But how many of us have been completely honest to those who we claim we love? How honest are you willing to be? Would you be honest if you knew that once you told the truth you'd have that love lost?

Yesterday when I was on my way home I bumped into an old friend from H.S. We decided to catch the train to Brooklyn together. He filled me in about his brothers (He's a triplet) told me what they were up to and how many kids each had. Said that they each had a brewd of their own, he told me that the oldest of the 3 of them had 3 of his own, and the youngest (they are a minute apart) had 3 surrogate, cause his girlfriend died he kept the 3 children she had and adopted them but doesn't have any of his own biologically, when asked how many he had he promptly told me 5. No you didn't read wrong he has 5, yes 5 babies, by 2 different women.. I mean whatever is clever but wow.. that's a lot, but what threw me for a loop wasn't that he had 5 babies at 29, what caught me off guard was that he told me that his current girlfriend of 5 years does not know about his children? No, again you didn't read wrong, his current girl soon to be wife (he's considering marriage) knows nothing of his 5 (count them 5) babies.

For lack of a better word I was fcuking shocked! I was shyt faced cause I couldn't believe that he would be with a woman that long and not tell her that he was already a father (she wants babies of her own from what he says). Is that actually possible. Can you keep something like that from someone, and if so how do you keep that a secret? I asked him how come he has never told her he says that he loves her and doesn't want to hurt her? WTH?? Nope homey you don't love her... thats impossible.. there is no way on GOD'S green earth you love her.. .I don't believe him!

How can you love someone and keep something to big away from them? He says that he tries to make her life as simple as possible because she works hard and has this career and blah blah blah... (insert confused face right here cause I'm sure as heck confused about this) He says that he tries his best to keep her away from his family, cause if she is around them they would tell her.. UGH YEAH! Cause she has every right to know. She knows he a triplet, thank God (imagine how embarrassing that would be if she ran into the other two and thought they were him.. no bueno) but she knows nothing of his 3 babies that range from 8-2! They don't live with him from what he says, his eldest lives upstate with his mom, and the other 4 live with their mom on Staten Island, while they live in Brooklyn. He tells me that if I was to ever run into them walking not to utter a word to her.. and I promptly said " My name is Joe and I don't know" I have no reason to tell her your business, but I think you should tell her, especially if she wants to give a son of her's your name and make him a junior when he'd actually be the 3rd!

How can someone keep something like this from someone they claim they love. I know I've done some not so righteous things, and told a few lies here and there, but nothing of this magnitude. I know honesty is the best policy and its better to tell the truth than to lie and then get caught in the lie. But, how to come clean about this? I Have no clue!

what to do? what to do?

Catching up

2009-04-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since I've written. Been busy working and getting ready to start on a new venture in my life. Well first let me tell you about the job, my current job is about to be my old job!!

I have been accepted into the June 2009 NYC teaching fellow program!! I am excited, and also very nervous. I have been in the library system since I graduated from H.S. in 1999 and I'm making a big step into the working world were what I do doesn't only affect me but it also affects the children I will be teaching. I must say that this is the beginning of many beautiful things for me, well I hope thats what happens. I know that I am going to be teaching in the "needed" schools but I like giving back, I can relate to these kids I hope that I can make a difference... I'll keep you posted. I leave my job at the library on the 1st of June, and right now I have the "I don't wanna do anything and you can't fire me so ha attitude!" I'm working, but not working.

As for the men in my life, hmmmm its non-existent. The guys that I used to talk to have since disappeared and I'm ok with it. I am not confused nor do I wonder what happened either. Sometimes in life things happen that way and you just have to accept things as they are. That doesn't mean that I am going to be keeping myself away! No definitely not, I am open to dating and getting to know someone on a personal level and if it works out then its fine, and if not then thats ok too.. No need to over analyze (hard for me cause I think and plan a lot)

Family members are eh, sometimes they ask how I'm doing sometimes they don't and I'm fine with it. I'm about me! Making myself a better person than I was yesterday, they stopped asking for things, stopped asking for me to do things, I told them about my new venture a couple were happy a couple said nothing, not a congrats nothing... but you know something thats Ok, cause I'm happy for myself cause I worked hard for it and I made it happen..

Now only thing is to look for a school to teach in. Thats the only thing with the fellowship, they do not look for a school to place you in. You have to find it on your own, I'm on my search now.. so if any of you know of schools in the brooklyn area, that is hiring for the fall in special education please let me know...

I'll post more often, I have some office drama to tell...

Until next post.

Looking deeper and not away

2009-04-06T21:37:00.000-07:00

My friend and sawrah has been avidly blogging, she's gotten addicted to the blogger world, and I have to admit that I have fallen in love with her blog site! The reason for this post is because she has been talking a lot about her bond with God and letting us all into the path of faith that she has been walking, and I find that my own path with God has wandered off into almost non-existence.

I am a strong believer in God, anything you ask will always have an answer that leads back to God and having him first, but as of late last year I have found that my bond with him has faltered. I know its not his fault its mine, and mine alone and I have yet to reconcile that. I haven't gone to church like I should, and I haven't been reading my bible as I used to. I do talk to him, but not as much as I used to, (God and I used to have these long talks about everything, and yes he answers back, that voice isn't your conscious telling you things its him.. listen carefully)

I went to a retreat with my mom this past sunday after spending the night partying it up with friends, needless to say I was exhausted. When I got home from the party on Sunday morning I had enough time to change my shirt and my shoes and hop on a bus to head to an all day long spiritual retreat. I was upset and tired and aggravated. I wanted to know why I was the one that always had to go and why my other cousins couldn't go? I behaved like a child and I was being a brat, I was all for losing my $40 that I paid to go on this trip. I huffed and puffed but got on the bus, I went to the retreat and I fell in love by the end of the day, exhaustion aside I was glad that I went.

Do you ever wonder how many times God is going to give a sinner like us a chance to make things right? How many time is he going to welcome us with open arms until he's tired of our saying sorry and turning around and doing something else that's so stupid? I know he's a forgiving God and loving father, but you ever wonder when he's had enough of our lame attempts of doing things right, and just failing? Or is it just me?

I witnessed a lot of great things at this retreat. I feel a stronger bond with God, I feel that I will be getting back to my ways of prayer reading. ( To really hear God speak, try writing down what you have to say to him, and see what he says back to you.. when you write down what he says and read it back to yourself, you'll be pleasantly surprised) I prayed and cried and felt good afterwards, I needed that release and I'm glad I got it. When it was time for us to leave the church grounds I felt uplifted and weightless... I know its going to take some time before I go back to going to church and reading my bible, but I know one thing is for sure.. MY GOD, OUR GOD, loves me beyond words, and I LOVE HIM through it all... and though I may fall a million and one times, I know he'll be there to receive me a million and one times.. I just have to try harder...

We Fall Down - Donnie McClurkin

With easter on Sunday, I want to tell you, all of you who have strayed a bit from our father, give him a ring.. he's always there to pick up and he's always there to listen to you whenever you have a problem or just to talk, and one thing for sure, he keeps all your secrets.

Just get up! Don't stay down... GET UP!!!

Live in Love, cause GOD is LOVE!!

Have a wonderful easter!

Growing up ain't easy!

2009-04-01T11:28:00.000-07:00

Do you ever find yourself growing away from those who've you've known for a long time? People who have known you since you could barely walk are now not the people who you want to hang with and be with anymore cause your direction isn't the same as theirs, but the sad thing is that they don't understand your personal growth and they take it as a personal stab at them and they say things that make you think that you're growing up and they're not.

Well this is my dilemma. My family and I are very very close, some of us are best friends even, but lately I feel like I'm growing apart and growing up from them and they are being very hard on me for wanting to grow up and take a new direction in my life. Should I feel bad that I'm growing away? Should I stay around them and not evolve as person and make decisions for myself?

If you know me, as in KNOW ME, KNOW ME, you know that I am the go to person in anything familial. I am the person who gives money, or gives assistance or the person to borrow things from. I am the person who goes to parent teacher meetings, who checks homework, who reads over papers and everything else because I'm the eldest. But as I am nearing my 30's I am trying to make things more about me and less about them and guess what, I'm getting shyt for it.

When I mean getting shyt for it I'm hearing that I leave my old friends for my new ones, and I dont' want to do this cause I have new people in my life, and I think I'm this and I think I'm that and blah blah blah... Its not that I think I'm anything its that I feel like I don't need to take care of GROWN PEOPLE anymore, and I have to take care of me. I want to experience life for what it is. Don't get me wrong I love my family members but I feel like I am used most of the time. When they need to borrow something who do they call? ME! when they need something done who do they call? ME. When they need a job who do they ask? ME. When they can't do anything who do they run to? ME.. its always NELLY CAN I, or NELLY CAN YOU, or NELLY I NEED, or NELLY CAN I HAVE, or NELLY DO YOU THINK YOU CAN.. and when I need something who do I call..................... NO ONE!! I do it myself...

I'm learning that I really can't count on anyone (please don't take offense some of you who read this are my really good friends and I love you but you know what I mean) I have me myself and I (after God and mom that is) and to make it I have to distance and put myself first and everything will work out, or at least I hope that is what happens.

Growing up is really tough, and sometimes the ones you love are the ones that don't understand. I hope in time they learn, and I hope that by the time their 30 they see what I meant.

Chronicles of a big girl part deux!! (2)

2009-03-26T12:40:00.000-07:00

I love when a plus sized woman can wear clothes and grab the attention of any man that comes in her path just because she exudes confidence and poise and respects herself. I respect and appreciate a woman who isn't held down because of this societies view of larger women. I applaud my fellow women of size who know how to dress and will wear clothes that FIT them!

Remember back in the days when the cute small girls used to get all the guys because they were cute and small, and all the heavier girls were passed up on because well, they were heavy?? Yeah I remember them too... I remember the nicknames and the mean things that children say. But when does it end? This society would rather I look like a stick than have meat on my bones.

Not to take anything away from my smaller girls, I love you all not matter the size but I love when a girl of larger proportions just knows how to wear her clothes, and then I shake my head when I see a woman who is plus sized wearing things she ought not to. I want to go oops upside her head and ask her if she hadn't been through enough ridicule and torment enough. Not to say that she's not comfortable with her skin, but jesus, please know how to be a lady.

Case and point, if you're at a store and you are clothes shopping and you wear an 18, please buy the 18, not the 14! It will not fit, and having the muffin top is NOT cute.

Lane Bryant, Ashley Stewart, The Avenue, Torrid, etc are there for women who are plus sized and the clothes are cute, don't go to Express if you know you wear a 18, trying to fit the 14, it will NOT work.. please accept your size and work it. It pains me to see women who would look fabulous in clothes that fit, in clothes that DON'T fit!

I give props to all my plus sized ladies, our clothes can be as cute as the clothes of smaller women, no longer are we subjected to wearing muumuu's or anything of the sort. I am happy when I see a large woman dress appropriately and has her stuff put together. Its just wonderful.

Please take a page from this woman: wear clothes that compliment your shape and size, and remember Just cause its made in your size doesn't mean that its for you. Respect yourself and people will respect you!

I love the skin I'm in..

He's just not that into me

2009-03-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

He's just not that into you came out a couple of years ago and I didn't get a chance to read it, and the movie came out a couple of weeks ago and I didn't get the chance to see it, that is until today

I was at the office having a great day, just relaxing cause the boss and supervisor were at their training classes, so it gave me idle time to watch the movie. I sat there at my cubicle and watched and listened and heard and paid close attention to the movie, and I realized this about the relationships and dates that I've been and went on and I've come to realize that, "They weren't that into me" and that is OK!

Case and point, I remember briefly telling that I went on a date a couple of weeks ago. DJ (as we'll call him) is a very good friend of a very good friend of mine. I met him last year and thought he was a handsome man, he was poised and intelligent and attractive, all the things that you may like about a man. I didn't ask for his number then, but something made me tell my friend that I was interested. So, she gave him my number and I got his also.

I was going to wait on him to call but I said to myself, hey self its 2009 and women are liberated and are as equal as men as per my previous post, and I said why not call him. So I did. I called him and we spoke for about 4 hours, thought that it was a good sign. Thought that this meant potential. So, my friend told me about a cheap date, so I asked him, and he agreed and we went to this museum thing near "MOMA." I was excited, thought that I made an impression that this could be great, but before I started thinking of the names of our first 4 children, and thinking about the destination for our wedding and what our china patterns were going to look like I braced myself for our date. I thought that I'd just take it one step at a time and that the date would be great and my friend would be the reason... yeah I know I got way ahead of myself, but honestly I know that I am not the only one.. am I??

Anywho, we met up after work and we went to the museum, culture right? I thought this was a mild stepping stone, something easy to start off with. Then he took me to dinner, good way to add on to our museum outing. We ended up going to this cuban restaurant and the conversation was just flowing, it seemed to be a good look, or at least that was what I was reading into it. The night ended with us parting and him saying he'd call me later and blah blah blah.

That was 3 weeks ago. I first thought that "hey he's a busy guy, and he probably has too many things on his plate" (Mistake #1) Then I got up the courage and called him myself to see how he was (Mistake #2), and then he said he'd call me back and has yet to and I made an excuse like "he probably lost my number" (Mistake #3)

According to the book ( That I got from the library and instantly checked out) He's not into me. And that is ok! What I realize is that some women (including myself) make excuses for guys and their lack of interest in us. We shouldn't have to find reason for him not calling and reason for him not asking us out. If he's not interested then thats just it, "He's not interested," period end of story, good night and have a safe trip and no amount of excuses that you make for him will have him become interested in you. Thought it might be common knowledge or unsaid knowing what I realized from reading and watching the movie that if a guy is interested, it doesn't matter what he's doing or where's going or how "busy" he is, he is going to make time for you if "he's INTO you."

I read that if a man wants to be with me he going to go out of his way to find me, even if it means hunting down our mutual friends to get to me. If he's really into me, then there is no such thing as being too "busy" to pick up a phone and dial, that if he likes me, he's going to make sure that I know, cause a phone call is more personal than an email and he'll make it his business to get to speak to me, and I mean make it his BUSINESS, cause a man will go after you if he is interested!

So, to wrap this post up I've realized this DJ isn't into me, bar keep is not into me either...and that is fine. I am not going to be everyone's cup of tea, this I know and fully can deal with. And that "busy" line is bullshyt... a man will go after something he wants "ALWAYS"

So, I continue on with my life.

What I take from this book is this, and I hope you who read this post take this too : "There is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot, or beg anyone to ask us out. We're fantastic."

That I am! Ladies and gentleman THAT I AM!!

Update

2009-03-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

Its been a couple of weeks, work and other things have kept me away from my blogger, and I have so much to tell..

Oh btw, if any of you are on twitter I'm on there also.. just look for Msliryc and you'll find me..

LOL

Ok, but back to what this post is supposed to be about, my update : Bartender guy and I were supposed to meet and go on a date cause he said he wanted to hang out and get to know me better, not a bad thing. I mean why not, so we set something up for Sunday ( March 9th) that morning came and I had a makeup shoot to do ( I freelance) and I went and did that and when I was coming home he calls and tells me he is leaving his office to head out to meet me.

He asked if I was just coming in from church, I said no and explained to him that I was coming from a photo shoot and that I do freelance makeup. He laughed when I said that, I asked him why and he said he'd tell me when we met up for brunch.We were trying to find a place to have our brunch, he wanted to stay in Brooklyn, so we were looking into going to a couple of spots in Fort Greene, since I'm on my NO MEAT stance right now for lent I had suggested a vegetarian spot, but he said he really wanted some kind of meat. I then narrowed it down to this French restaurant named Olea's or an italian place called Scopello's (two great places to eat if you're in Brooklyn)

Anywho, day goes by he calls and asks to reschedule for later, he had to pick mom up from Penn Station, then calls back again about an hour and a half before we have to meet and says that he needs to reschedule cause train never came in and she's still on her way and blah blah blah...

I'm dressed and ready to go, and now I'm HOME!!! RIGHT... great hunh!!

So its been about 2 weeks since our supposed date and he has gone off to France for a business trip. He called and emailed and said " Bonjour mon cherie, j'ai pensee de toi" (good morning love, I was thinking about you) which I respond "c'est vrai?" (oh yeah, I was thinking bout you too) had to throw that in there.. boost his ego a bit and show that I can speak french too..

So here I am dateless.. UGH, I guess its back to the drawing board.

I got a date

2009-03-07T11:38:00.000-08:00

So bartender guy and I have been talking since we met at my aunts party. He's is a really cool guy. I really can't complain. Though he has his dry moments its still like ok, let me get to know you better

So here's what I found out so far,

1. The place that we threw the party for my aunt is partly owned by him

2. He just recently turned 31

3. He is separated

4. He has a 3 year old son

5. He lives in New Jersey

6. He's an only child (uh oh)

7. He's church going

I don't have a problem with the whole separated thing, nor do I have a problem with him having a son, he was married so children do result in those types of union at times so that's understandable.. the problem is that he's an only child and he's Haitian.

Now if you don't know about Haitian mothers and their son's let me be the first to tell you that, those are the hardest relationships because most mothers will think No woman is good enough for her son. They will give the woman that their son is with HELL because she feels that, she's the only one that can take care of her son. So since I am no where near that bridge its cool.

Its just a heads up

We've been in conversation, and there were moments that I was really second guessing speaking to him cause he was kind of dry. His conversation skills were sub par and it was as entertaining as watching paint dry, but I thought I'd stick it out and give it a shot since I was the one that approached him.. Just cause its a little corny doesn't mean that its all a lost, maybe he's a face to face type of guy.

So last night when I came home from another date that I had ( I'll tell you about that later) I got a voicemail message from him, he was in NY and wanted to know if I was going to be around this weekend. I told him yeah and he asked me out to brunch tomorrow after church.

So yes everyone I got's me a date! (insert happy dance)

I'll let you know how it goes, and I'll also let you know about the other date that I had last night.

Things are beginning to look up for 2009!

Chronicles of a Big Gurl

2009-03-02T14:12:00.001-08:00

I have never been skinny, wait let me rephrase that.. I have never been thin, slim or what have you.. and when I say never I mean NEVER!! I've always been chubby, or chunky, or thick.. whatever you want to call it. But by the American standards (from a size 0-6) I've never been skinny, thin, small or what have you..

Its taken me almost 28 years to get used to the idea

that I will never be a size 2 or a size 5 for that matter, and that know matter what I'm still beautiful.

But I remember those days when kids would make fun cause I was chunkier than they were and I remember when the boys wouldn't look in my direction cause I wasn't slim and tall like my other friends and that used to bother me, but as I have grown I have learned to love my curves and my excess of things that others don't have

Being from the Caribbean most of the men who I usually come in contact with will tell you that they prefer a woman with some meat on their bones, and that may well enough be true, but most of the ones that I have met liked them small, and that wasn't where I was.

This isn't what I really wanted to write about, I need go give an update on my conversation with the bartender guy but that will come later but this post is coming after a conversation I had with my cousin and some of his friends about the big girls with the pretty faces. Now I know many of you have heard people say this to other BBW (big beautiful women) I don't know how many times I've heard people say this but it got on my nerves, the whole, "she's got a pretty face for a big girl." HUNH?? Like what the heck does that mean? Am I supposed to be ugly because I'm not of a models size? What, do I automatically get deemed grotesque cause I have a few extra pounds.. I need some explanation about this because IDK what the heck that statement is supposed to mean?

It all started on Saturday, I was hanging with my young cousin in the hall way, just catching up, I haven't seen him in a while, we were talking and then his friends came and just started to chill with us, being that I am never around any young teen aged boys I took this opportunity to sit around and listen, and many of them aren't shy to talk about anything in front of me I got a front row seat into the mind of young high school aged boys. My cousin and his friends were talking about some of the girls that are in their school, the ones they thought were cute the ones they thought were ugly, those who had bad reps because she did this and she did that.. I really couldn't believe that this was the way boys broke down girls... it still amazes me that girls and women are broken down by guys this way, but continuing on, one of them mentioned the name of this girl lets call her "tiffany." He told his boys that him and "tiff" hang out all the time, and how she's really a cool chick, and he would be afraid to date her cause she's not his typical type, to which my cousin replies, "She's cute, got a nice face... for a big girl!"

Ok, he's 17 and doesn't know better, but there are men twice is age that will say the same dumb shit.. so why not correct it now, fist rip into him and his boys about the way they talk about girls, I tell them that, that isn't cool and how would they like it if a guy did that to their sisters or cousins or what have you, they in turn tell me, "hey if a girl wants to behave in a certain way is it our fault that we treat them that way?"... I say yes though I know they're right, then I turn to my little cousin and ask him about his quote about tiffany... I ask him, "what do you mean by that?" He says to me.. "well you know, she's not skinny or slim.. she's you know.... a big girl, not extremely fat but a thick girl.. and she's got a pretty face"

I screw my face up at his statement and he asks me why all the attitude. I tell him because I heard the same story when I was "tiffany's" age. I heard boys tell me that same insult (which is supposed to be a compliment) all the time... to which his boys reply "you're different, you're sexy... (insert eye roll here) I would've hollered if we were in High School" Yeah right, here they go talking about some chick who could have been me in H.S. but they don't really want to mess with her because she's not thin like many of the other girls.

Though I know the times have changed, and being rail thin isn't in anymore, big girls, and big women still have a hard time being accepted. Many young girls are still being teased for not being skinny like the other girls, many young women are starving themselves to be like those models they see in magazine's and add to that our clothes aren't as cute as the ones they have for the smaller women (but that's another blog)

What's with the perception that thin is the only way to go??? This society is so chopped and screwed its horrible, do people not understand that the average American woman is between a size 10 to a size 12. That in the modeling industry if you're over a size 6 (which is big to them) you're considered plus sized??? Freaking insane right!!

Oh how I long for the days when the models for all the famous painters used to be women with curves, the days when the portraits were of women of high society. And all women of stature and of nobility were deemed so because they had meat on their bones. Oh for the days when the sculpture of the fertility goddess is a plus sized woman with extra cushion for the pushin! I wish!! In a semi perfect world.. LOL LOL.. skinny women I love you..

Isn't it about being healthy and not necessarily skinny. I know plenty of skinny women who are unfit and unhealthy. My friend whose is a size 4 suffers from high cholesterol and high sodium, while me a size 16 has neither. I can walk up flights of stairs and not be out of breath while she is there panting her life away.. when did being skinny equal healthy??

I've come a long way since my H.S. days, I don't have issues as much as I used to with my body image, well only the belly fat that does not want to go away despite the hundreds of crunches and ab exercises that I do, I can honestly say that I love every single dimple on the side of my thigh, love for every stretch mark on my waist, every extra pound that I have, cause they fit me well.. I have learned to own my body. Its not perfect but its mine and it makes me ME.. and you know what I'll take that title.. "Pretty Face for a BIG GIRL"

But understand I am definitely going to change the ending of that statement.. "No I do not have a pretty face for a big, girl.. I have a pretty face PERIOD!! ""

So to all my women, we come in all different shapes and sizes and we have to learn to love ourselves. Love us first. Own your body.. its yours! Its not about being skinny or about being fat its about being healthy. Its about living the best life that you have. You should be able to walk up and down the stairs without panting and losing your breath, you should be able to wear what you want and feel good about yourselves.

Love yourself, cause if you don't love you... who will???

Officially cut off!!

2009-03-01T11:45:00.000-08:00

disclaimer: these events happened before the "aggressive" post. Just didn't know how to word this post, and post it. But since I'm over it and him both in the same instance I decided to share why he and I will NEVER be together and probably never be friends again. Totally not worth my time!

Oh btw, I am so sorry for the long drawn out conversation, had to make sure that I got everything down.

So, news from the ex... as he will be now known as D**khead! or DH for short cause he doesn't deserve the full name cause he is that much of an a-hole...

DH sends me a message on Monday saying that he got my text, mind you I didn't text the loser, and I had no intention of texting him cause he was still on my shit list.

He says that he wanted to know what was up and see how I was doing! Said I'm good and couldn't complain, my typical " I don't want to talk to you, leave me alone message" He says that he wants to talk, when can I meet up with him. I answer that I have very busy week and it might be kind of tough to pull.. (mind you this is all over text, dh didn't have the balls to call me) I was not going to go all the way out to the Bronx anyway.. that's freaking far and add to that I wasn't the one that did anything wrong, he needed to apologize to me.

So anywho, I say that I can't make it out, then he says ok, how about meeting in the city since I'm already there, I contemplate this for a minute or two and say sure, ok... he says he'll speak to me about it later on during the week. Cool, if he's trying to make amends then fine, dinner sounds like a good look. That was Monday.

Tuesday after going to meet some of my sorority sisters at an event they were holding at my old Alma Mater I get a text from DH.

Him-"What up?"

Me- "Nothing much, just leaving an event with some of my sorority sisters"

Him: " So dinner and then I can have you for dessert"

Me: "Yeah right you wish you could have me for dessert"

Him: "Seriously, when am I gonna get some? No jokes real talk!"

Me: "How about putting in some time first, get to know me.. I'm not 19 anymore. QT is first then we can discuss the latter"

Him: "Its been 8 years how much more do I need to know you?"

Me: "A whole lot more.. I'm not the same naive girl who you knew... I've grown a lot and you need to check that. I told you about that before. why can't you just chill out wait till its time.. and why are you coming at me like that... is that the impression I give off to you?"

Him: "Nah, its not that its just that I haven't had none and since you said you LOVE ME why not"

Me: "Yea, I love you.. NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.. I love you as person, but right now I don't think I like you!!"

Him: "Word, so you gonna just keep that to yourself? You're selfish like that?"

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a prude! Nothing of that sort over here, I gets it in when I'm in a committed relationship.. I am usually the aggressor but we're not even there. We just started talking about being together and this is how he gets.. Yeah he's looking to get cut!

He then says : " I deserve that, I was there since the beginning! You owe it to me!!"

WTF... hold on homey.. I owe you what?? You deserve what???? Ok, the gloves come off and I go on my long spiel of curse words. I call him and being to go into my alter ego mode. NO this m'fer didn't think that I owed him some because he was there with me during my virginal years and that he has the right to get some!

Me : "you broke up with me because I didn't want to give you my virginity! REMEMBER ASSHOLE!"

I hang up.

This is where I officially spaz (via text cause homey still hasn't called me back I didn't expect him to, and you already know that I wasn't going to call him)

There is a fine line to how much I can take from a person and he knows that. I am known as having a cool exterior and being a nice person but push me or anyone beyond their breaking point and its like "World War 3." While many of you may find what he said to be honest and to the point because where most men would be telling me what I wanted to hear and in reality it would be something else he was being up front and direct, I found it to be disrespectful no matter how honest he was and it made me analyze my "feelings" for him.

DH and I have had a long history, we met in the spring of 2000, on our college campus. He was quiet and I was the loud mouth that new everyone. Him not getting any from me made him break up with me (He'll argue tooth and nail that, that wasn't the reason but I know better) He didn't speak to me nor did I speak to him after our break-up. We spent most of our 20's not speaking because of his decision to not be with me anymore cause I was a virgin, and at the time my insecurity and his rejection made me question myself and also had the desire to be with someone who was going to like me for me and not the connections that I can get him.

When we rekindled our friendship back in 2006 I thought that we had put that behind us and just continued with the friendship, nothing about us being together and what not. Whenever he needed something done, if I could do it I'd do it. I was there as his spiritual advisor, his confidant, his counselor, his motivator, his drinking buddy, his sports friend, his home girl, his ex, (we never slept together) all the good things that friends are for one another, but then I thought that I wanted to be with him because it would irk the heck out of me when he had his female groupies come along and just be "conniving females." Or when he'd meet a chick and she'd use him and he'd be heart broken. See, DH told me everything, he even told me that I was the only girl he's ever been able to tell the whole truth to and I felt that the transition from homey's to lovers would be simple

WRONG!!!!!!

So I told him that I had feelings for him, but thinking now I don't think I have feelings for him. I think I missed the companionship and the attraction that we had, but I forget that we were real young and that we really didn't know one another that well. I was the popular one and he was the newbie at the school that I befriended and gave him all my connects.

To end this post, here is where we ended things off.. He told me that I made him sick, and I said that we didn't need to be with one another if that's how he felt. He said that he couldn't depend on me for anything and I said fine that's the way he sees it then Ok. He said he gets it on the regular and I said I'm good and I don't need anything, and since he gets it on the regular I'm not really not missing out on anything.

I'm done and through and we're just going to stop talking, our friendship will not be the same. I don't know if he and I will ever be friends again after this cause it wasn't beneficial to neither him nor I. Him because I wasn't giving up any to him, and me because I can't be with or around someone who disrespects me and who I make sick!

Aggressiveness

2009-02-25T20:47:00.000-08:00

I am doing a little survey... well not really a survey, I am doing some research. Some self research, trying to see if my family members and other female friends were right?

I am trying to see how men respond to a woman whose aggressive, the woman who approaches the man and gets them to give her his number. This might not be a feat for many of you out there, but for me its a problem. I used to say that I was shy, but I am not shy. I have a fear of rejection.. I have always had a problem talking to guys who weren't my friends.

My cousin has always told me to stop being such a punk, but I couldn't. I just could not walk up to a guy and start a conversation if I found him to be interesting and attractive, I feared that he'd tell me no and I'd end up hurt. So what I would do is become their friend first, we talk about sports and music and cars which are all things that I like and they like, but before you know it I'm placed in the friend zone. The official homegirl spot, oh how I hate being placed in the home girl spot but that's what happens. So I don't say anything and I leave it as such and with that I am not rejected. But, that's the problem, why should I be scared of rejection... no one is perfect. I am not going to be everyone's type and I should be able to just talk to a guy without fearing that he is going to not be interested in me, right??

WRONG!!

I am afraid, petrified even (no wait, that's a bit extreme I'm afraid.. yeah lets stick to that), and this is why I'm doing my research. I'm trying to break out of my shell and be more proactive in my relationships or rather lack there of, stop waiting for something to happen and just make it happen. So, with that I did a little experiment. While I was at my aunts surprise birthday party I decided to put my plan into action. There was a cute bartender there, dark skinned, goatee, I found him to be attractive. I decided I was going to try what I had in mind and be more aggressive and not afraid of rejection and talk to him. Though I'm still on a "I hate men" from dealing with my ex (I have a story about that too, still deciding if I want to post) thing I didn't want make a fool of myself but all in all he was decent looking even.. so I went and sparked up conversation with him trying to be flirtatious but not too overly flirtatious... I went to get a drink. Check me out in the picture above. Thats what I had on!!

So I subtly flirt with him, or rather I tried to flirt.. LOL.. my flirting game has sucked recently. I'm afraid to make an ass out myself so I rarely flirt. I give him the little coy looks and all the other things we women do to get a man's attention outside of having a flashing light that says "HEY CHOOSE ME I'M OVER HERE"

I go back a couple of times and order drinks for my other family members all the while flirting and looking interesting. He tells me that though he is in Rockland, he is always in Brooklyn (Insert jump for joy here) I say to him, well if you're around my neighborhood give me a ring (yes I did say that, and to my surprise it came out smoother than it did in my head) He says to me, well I'd have to have a number to do that right.. and I say, yeah you would now, wouldn't you and I walk away (cabbage patch dance done in head at this moment), after that we barely spoke, and I thought I might've been a bit too rude so I say to myself, "Self, if he doesn't give you his number then thats fine, and if he does then that's even better.." I had to gear myself up just in case I got rejected by homey.. Close to us leaving cause Rockland shuts down its parties at 2 a.m. he walks over to me and hands me his number with his email address.. I was all to sure that he wasn't interested and that he was just going to leave without giving it to me.. but he did..

Well well well.. It does work.. though I wasn't outright aggressive it was still weird for me. I don't do those things, I am not the type of girl that is going to walk to any dude and spark up conversation when I'm interested, that so isn't me, but I did it. and I was proud of myself.

::pats self on back::

I didn't call him immediately the next day, I waited till Tuesday to give him a ring. I didn't want to seem over zealous about him.

So right now I'm speaking to him and he seems like a really down to earth dude...

I'll keep you posted on how things are going..

Hip Hip Horray for me ::does the running man, while listening to hammer don't hurt 'em"

Listen.. it is that SILENT!

2009-02-19T13:34:00.000-08:00

Listen.... do you hear that??

If you're not to sure what I'm talking about lets try this again...

Listen.... did you hear that??

Its silent isn't it.. just your thoughts trying to decipher what it is that I'm trying to get you to hear or get you to catch on to..

Listen = silent.. You can't listen to anything if you're not silent now can you?

This little anagram says a lot, especially when it comes to relationships. Most of the time the arguments you have with your significant other is because neither of you or rather one of you isn't silent enough to listen to what the other is saying.

Ask yourself this question? Do you listen when you're being spoken to or do you continually ramble on without actually taking the time to be silent and listen to what is being said?

There is always this controversy b/w men and women when they speak. The woman in the relationship asking the man if he is listening to her and the woman not being silent enough to let the man get a word in. Sometimes they are just there to hear what the other has said.

While doing my daily blog reading I stopped over by Mr. Slish's page. He was talking about the new Steve Harvey book. One of the comments on the posting talked about listening and silence. How the two are intertwined with one another yet no one uses them both at the same time to communicate.

What I find is that more often times when one person is talking the other isn't really listening, they are just hearing what the other is saying and just replying by using pacifying words to stifle an argument or to just brush whatever is said off. (VSB had a great blog about this a couple of days ago)

There is a difference between the two (hearing and listening), you can hear me out but are you listening (taking in and understanding)to what I am saying. To listen you have to be silent, and sometimes that's the problem. There is no silence when you're cutting me off to ramble about the topic or problem at hand. I don't want you to hear me I want you to listen and that can't be done if you're not silent for a moment for me to get my word out.. frustrating yet its so true to what many face in their day to day relationships. From work to school to family to personal relationships, no one is silent long enough to listen.

But, why try to communicate then if you're not willing to be quiet long enough for me to say something, and then for you to understand what it is that I've said? Most men would say that their woman doesn't listen to them because she's to busy critiquing what he's saying and not giving him a chance to speak, and the woman in turn is saying that the man isn't listening to her so why should she be silent?!? The key to any relationship working is communication. There needs to be open lines of communication b/w you and you're other for the relationship to work, but how can that be possible one isn't giving the other the chance to be able to be heard and the communication process is one sided? Are you one of those who just talks and doesn't take the time to listen??

I can honestly say that I've fallen into that category a couple of times, not listening because I wanted to get my point across. I think many of us have had moments where we weren't silent enough to listen to what our spouse or significant other had to say, because we either didn't want to listen or we felt that what we had to say was more important to the relevancy of the conversation.

So, again I ask, how can you communicate effectively if you're not quiet? How can you seriously hold a conversation with someone and try to resolve any issues if you're not silent enough to listen to what that person has to say. There needs to be a happy medium and I think that silence is what it is. The old saying is that "silence is golden" and I think its the truth. Many fights could have been avoided if one of the parties involved just took the time out to be silent and listen to the other had to say.

So ladies and gentleman, the next time you and your significant other have an argument or you're about to have an argument, ask yourself this "do I really want to sit here for hours hearing this person talk in my head or do I want to take the time out to listen to what they have to say and know that after this is said and done we can move and not have to discuss this anymore?"

choice is yours.. I think you know which is the better choice!

Dreams

2009-02-16T05:48:00.005-08:00

Ever wonder what your dreams mean (literally like someone tell you word for word). Wish that you could get a definite translation as to what your dream meant, because it can drive you crazy trying to decipher what it was that was done or said in the dream?

Well that's what I feel right about now. I had a dream (total cliche) the other night about a friend of mine, well I wouldn't call him a friend per say, but more of an acquaintance, a long time friend that has rekindled a friendship with me and we're on the getting to know you stage of our friendship. (BTW, my homey who I told off, but I have feelings for has yet to contact me not even a happy valentine's day, I think I hurt his feelings, but thats another story)

Ok, back to my dream! I don't actually recall the specifics of what happened before but I do remember that me and my acquaintance were in the same place at the same time... it wouldn't be too far from the truth being that he and I do have some of the same friends. So, we were hanging out and just talking about idle random things in my dream. Then before you know it, he's kissing me... its one of those kisses that you get lost in. The ones that have you all lost in it because its so real. One of those kisses... I was transfixed in the dream because I didn't expect it from him, especially because I didn't think he saw me in that light but in the dream it felt more real than anything.

I remember in one of my psychology classes reading up on dreams. The founder and creator of interpretive dreams Freud had a lot to say when it came to dreams and their meanings. Freud would say that I was having these dreams because of some unconventional desire to sleep with the man or because I had some longing for him in ways that my conscious and my subconscious were fighting but that is Freudian theory and we all know that sometimes Freud was a little sick.

But there is a part of me that wonders if Freud was right. I mean he is a good looking guy, really good looking but I didn't or I haven't seen him in that way? He's just a cool person, and because I have a dream doesn't mean that I should start checking him out now should it?

I have my own theory. Since it happened on valentines night I think its my desire to have someone close to me. Last year, for valentine's day I was with Ivory. He and I had a good valentines but we all know how that relationship ended... So, I'm deducing that I just wanted a Valentine's kiss, just wanted someone to be close to. But, then the question still remains why him? Why not be someone that I really have feelings for like my homey DJ, wouldn't it seem more logical to dream about someone that you really want to be with?

Its one of those things that make you go hmmmmmm!!!

I would tell my acquaintance that I had dream about him but then that would put us at an awkward place and Lord knows I do not need any more awkward situations than the ones that I am in now.

Weekend

2009-02-13T14:17:00.000-08:00

So, its Friday,

I am excited for a fun filled 3 day weekend... So many things planned so little time..

Tonight some of my sorority sisters and I are going to go out and have fun, that is if we can find a really cool place to hang out where there won't be any idiots being stupid.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and though I don't officially have a Valentine I am going to take my mommy out for some much needed mommy and me time ::insert aww right here::

And sunday, I am finally going to go to church... I haven't been there in months.. I guess that's because my church has gotten so blah to me.. but that's another story.. Sunday afternoon I'm helping out my bestie's mom prep for her niece's wedding shower, then sunday night heading out to guesthouse with my cousins ( we haven't hung out in a while)

and monday I'm just chilling home.. got to rest after such an eventful weekend..

So with that HAPPY FRIDAY, and HAPPY Valentine's DAY!

Just a little / lotta bit pissed!

2009-02-11T11:37:00.000-08:00

Why did I open up my big mouth again??

YEAH, that's right.. I wanted to be honest.. wanted to tell the whole truth!! Um, yeah I think I learned my lesson!

OK, here's the scoop. My ex (dated when I was 19) and I have been really cool friends, great friends even for the last year and a half. We talk, we bullshit, we hang out watch sports, all the good stuff friends do with one another, all the while I've been keeping this secret from him. The secret was that I still had some feelings for him despite my friendship with him. So I decided to take the ride from my home in Brooklyn, to his in the Bronx. Mind you this is a 2 hour subway ride.. but I sucked it up and just took the train there. First mistake!

I get to his place and we're sitting and chit chatting like normal. And then he busts out with the questions... I had told him before I got there that I had somethings to tell him.. (STUPID ME) Feeling like I'm backed into a corner I do the easiest thing to get out... I pull the "I have to go the bathroom" trick.

So we begin talking (after my faux potty break of course) and I tell him that I've been kind of jealous lately. He asks me why? I finally confess that it bothers me when he has other girls around him like that. Second mistake!

He goes on to tell me that he already knew and that he could sense it by the way I'd act when we were hanging and other girls were around. He'd go on and say that he noticed this since we first dated back in 2000. Then it was question after question, after question, I mean I didn't mind answering them, and I answered truthfully, because I promised myself that I was going to remain very truthful! I wasn't going to lie about anything at all! He asked me if I loved him.. I was afraid of that.. DAMN MAN!! I told him I was going to be truthful.. So I said YES I LOVE You.. ( THIRD MISTAKE) BUT I am not IN LOVE WITH YOU, I don't think he heard that last part. We talk we laugh, we say we'll see what happens. That was last week.

Fast forward to today.....

HOMEY texts me and asks "how long he has to wait to get some!"

::JAW DROPS INSTANTLY::

I had to have read wrong, because I know he wasn't coming out of pocket to me like that... I know that he knows me better than to come out and say some stupid nonsense like that.. Or at least I am hoping he knew me better than that. I was taken so aback that I didn't response initially. I had to let that marinate for a while before I wrote back to him, and bet believe that I wrote back

I told him that he didn't know me if he thought that I was going to do something so stupid, I don't care how long I've known him! I told him that he cannot disrespect me like I'm some side line hoe he can talk to.

Me: "I am not one of your groupie friends, please show me respect cause that's what I show you. And remember you would never want a guy talking to your daughter the way you are speaking to me..." " You want your daughter spoken to the way you spoke to me.. CHECK THAT SHIT!!"

He instantly retracted his statement!

HIM: "I was just kidding, I don't want none I was just joking around with you!"

Me: "Whatever.."

He turns around and tells me to have a nice day cause he didn't mean it like that..

From that point on my day was ruined.. I mean how dare you? How the hell do you think you can come at me like that?? Did I give you the vibe that I'm some trick? Some scallywag, trick from around the way? If that's the message I sent to you, dude you are mistaken! Totally, I mean dude I care for you but don't get it twisted I will get out of my face at you! There is no reason at all for you to say that to me.. caring can change instantly I don't think he wants that!

I'm so sorry I said anything. I should've kept my big mouth SHUT!

I'm officially PISSED!!

Black Love

2009-02-10T11:31:00.000-08:00

I want a love thats so real that it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up!

I want a love so powerful that it had to be molded by God himself!

I want a love so deep the rivers of the Nile would seem shallow in comparison to it.

I want a love so pure that even the look of freshly fallen snow would pale in sight.

I want Black Love.

You know what Black love is?

Black love is love from someone understands and respects you

Black love is love from someone who "complements you but doesn't compliment you"

Black love is love from a man who knows you're independent but can be dependent.

Black love is love from a man who lets you be the man at times

Black love is love that knows no boundaries and has no end, its effortless!

Black love is hard and soft , its tough love, its quiet, and loud, its peaceful and violent. Its dark and its light, its...

Black love ... hmm... BLACK LOVE...

I want BLACK LOVE??

I decided

2009-02-08T22:10:00.000-08:00

I came to a decision. I am going to talk to my friend, tell him the truth.

I thought about it for sometime and figured that if he could put all his trust in me why can't I reciprocate the same thing right??

So I thought hey why not! Give him the benefit of the doubt and say something and hopefully it goes as planned.. and if not then you learned your lesson.

Here goes nothing! Wish me luck!

www. LOVE.com???

2009-02-08T17:45:00.000-08:00

A couple of my friends and I have been discussing this for a few days. Its seems like the internet is the newest way to find that love of your life that maybe around the corner

Many have gone to eharmony.com, or match.com, or even chemistry.com to find that "MR. RIGHT" that they've been in search of. I've looked at online dating and I don't think that its for me. I have enough with the crazies that I meet on the streets of NY do I have to add another medium for me to meet more crazy men! I am trying to refrain from them on a whole!!

I remember back in the days, when AIM was the hottest thing ever. I remember girls and guys used to hook up because they found each other through chat rooms on AIM. Girls would tell guys that they'd meet up with them and have on something while in reality it would be something else, go meet up with the dude (or check him out first) and before you know it they were in a relationship

Or remember the phone chat lines where you'd call in and speak live or one on one with someone and then you'd exchange numbers at the end of the conversation, eventually meet up and then proceed with a relationship if you found it to be of interest to you.

I remember those days, things were simple those days too, or was it because I was in my teens and there seemed to be an abundance of available men.. there always seemed to be someone interesting around for you to meet, I wonder what happened... Why are we in a state of social/intimate repression?

A friend of mine at work has found love through the world wide web. Through the power that is myspace she found and fell in love and eventually married this guy that she met on the site. At first she was a bit apprehensive about it, but after several dates and internet conversations they met up had some drinks, and then got married. Kudos to them for finding love but for me.. NOPE

I don't think that I can do that. First off there are too many creeps out there for me, secondly I don't trust that easily to believe that the guy in the picture on your page is really you! I've heard of countless encounters where the person isn't who they say they are and I am not trying to have that happen to me! NO thanks. I was set up by my bestie last year and look what happened I got IVORY and if you know the situation you know it wasn't a good one.. HE WAS CRAZY!!

For those who have tried internet dating how was you encounters? How was it for you? Would you recommend it to friends or women who are in search of that soul mate, or would you say to run for the HIGH Hills because they are just filled with insane people?

what do you say about internet dating?? Is it actually worth a try?

I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the TRUTH!

2009-02-04T13:25:00.001-08:00

Why is honesty so hard for some people? Why is it so difficult for people to just tell the truth about something when asked. Is it some kind of internal mechanism that tells you not to tell the truth, to avoid it at all costs?

Or is it because Truth or Honesty go hand in hand with Trust? I guess if you can't trust someone you can't be honest with them now can you? I have been having this internal battle of telling someone I care about the truth. I need to get somethings off my chest but I'm afraid. Does that mean that I don't trust him? I don't think so, but do I trust him is the next question? I'm kind of stuck there though, I do feel like I can tell him things and be open with him, but its what I have to tell him that I'm afraid is going to get me into trouble. No its not anything life threatening or malicious but it can change the way our relationship is, and we're really good friends, great friends actually.

Why not be honest with him is what I ask myself? What do I really have to hide from him? I mean, He tells me everything, says that I am the only girl he can be truly himself with and be open with, so why not come out and just tell him the honest truth? I don't know.. its like I start to say what I am thinking and then I shut up and talk about something else. Don't I trust him enough to tell him what I need to?

What is it about being honest that makes it hard?

I know many would say its because of past relationships and what not.. but if I am trying to move on and leave that behind why should that be my crutch? Shouldn't I reciprocate the open lines of communication that he has extended to me? If I am supposed to be his friend and his confidant and all the things that entail a good relationship should I be honest and trusting of him just because he feels that way with me?

I'm stuck!

25 Random things

2009-02-02T09:55:00.000-08:00

I got this as a tag on Facebook. My cousin thought it would be a good idea to just tell a little about yourself to people who know you, or rather they think they know you. At first I was a bit skeptical cause I've wanted to be private about my life since the new people sometimes do not know how to keep their mouth shut about my business, but I decided to go ahead and do this one anyway. I like to be tagged every once in a while because it gives me something new and interesting to talk about rather than nothing at all.. So here goes

25 Random things about me

I am not going to tag anyone cause I don't think its necessary, but if you feel like you'd want to try this then go ahead, and send me a message so I can read yours.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
(NOTE - This isn't binding - you do NOT have to do this)

1) I am still afraid of the dark. Must sleep with TV on.

2) I cannot stand ignorant people, its a disease that needs to be sifted out immediately!

3) I used to hate my dark skin when I was younger. I wanted to be light skinned cause the light skinned girls used to get all the attention cause of their complexion. (I'll blog about this later. I saw an old episode of Tyra and I'll address this later)

4) I HATE being made fun of, I don't like constant jokes being cracked on me. I may laugh at it, but believe that I'm not laughing on the inside. I try not to think anything of it but then it gets cruel and I've had enough of that, so It makes me shut down and avoid you and not like to hang with you either.

5) I cry a lot.

6) I love love love make-up (some of you or most of you already know that)

7) I battle depression heavily. I tried killing myself before, just got too chicken to do it. But I've gotten it under control. I just try to think positive thoughts, and if that doesn't work I pray and cry about it till it goes away.

8) I want to be successful in anything that I do, just haven't figured out what it is that I want to be successful at yet.

9)I work at the library and I feel like I'm losing brain cells. I don't do anything stimulating

10) God is who I fear most.

11) I am afraid of catching a disease. I run to the doctors every chance I get. I'm a hypochondriac

12) I used to draw, and was really good at it.

13) I want to get a boob job, ever see the movie the sweetest thing. 20 / 28.. that's how it is right now.. they used to be higher up! What happened???

14) I'm really really shy. I can flirt with a guy that I don't like, but when its a guy that I like I clam up and don't say anything cause I'm afraid he'll reject me.

15) I like my mommy/daughter days. We didn't do them much when I was younger. She worked 7 days a week to get me through school. Now I wish I could spend every day with my mom, she's all I have!

16) I wish I had a brother or sister.. being an only child sucks

17) I resented my biological father for a long time, he left my mom when I was born. I'm over it! We're better off without him

18) There are days when I think I'm still in love with my ex Idris.. just don't know why!

19) I am addicted to youtube... I watch makeup tutorials and everything on there..

20) I wish I could pick up and move to Italy.

21) Trying to be more private, I've learned that I need to keep my big mouth shut at times and not say anything and as I've gotten older its gotten easier. (kind of a contradiction with me doing this isn't it?)

22) I used try to make everyone like me, but now I really don't care.. you like me you like me, you don't then you don't. I could care less..

21) My favorite color is grey.. its not really a color though if you think about it, its a shade, cause its a combination of both black and white, but its my favorite

22) I have a pet turtle named Terry, he's only 6 months old. Very cute.

23) I want to bungee jump one of these days, though I'm afraid of heights? weird hunh??

24) I say stupid things when I'm nervous to lighten up the mood.

25) I used to hate my name, thought it was way too long, especially the YVES part, but its grown on me.

2009-01-28T20:09:00.000-08:00

As black history month looms in the background of the most monumental inauguration in history I had to give a quick shout to all my strong, regal, and sophisticated black women. Here is to you.. You all inspire me in so many ways. I take me hat off to you, because you have taught me so many things, that I take with me every single day.

I just wanted to post this. I got this email from a friend a while ago.. Not too sure if I had posted it or not. but it speaks the truth in so many ways.

Yes we can ladies. That is the new motto for the next 4 -8 years.. as a matter of fact its the new motto for the rest of our LIVES.. YES WE CAN!!

A YOUNG BLACK WOMAN'S GUIDE TO SURVIVAL

10. BE SELECTIVE IN FRIENDSHIPS.
Friendship is not charity, it's a give-and-take relationship. Your friends should be people you love, admire and respect. Don't be afraid to expand, or change your circle of friends. As you get older, you may head in a different direction than those you once considered your "best friends forever". As you evolve and mature, you may grow apart from friends who no longer fulfill you - it's ok! Hold this person in your heart, but be true to yourself when devoting time, energy and emotion to anyone you seriously consider a "friend".

9. RE-INVENT YOURSELF WHEN NECESSARY.
Self-reinvention is a way to constantly reflect and assess your goals and priorities in your personal, academic and professional life. The concept of self-reinvention allows you to reconsider your lifestyle and, at any given moment, change a particular course of action. The beauty of this process is that you don't have to beat yourself up about behavior you consider undesirable. You should actually feel great that you have enough sense to realize the error of your ways (whatever they may be), and can spontaneously commit to change. Congratulations - you just solved a problem!

8. PROTECT YOURSELF.
HIV/AIDS is the #1 killer of black women ages 19-27 in America. You are not corny or lame if you insist on an HIV test before having sex with someone. In fact, you're stupid to give up responsibility for your health and put your life in someone else's hands. Please DO NOT FALL FOR the age-old trick: "Look at me - what am I supposed to do now?!" All men masturbate. Politely tell your partner that he should focus on "self- love" until you're certain that he deserves to enter your temple.

7. JEALOUSY IS A WASTED EMOTION.
People who love themselves and recognize their worth are unable to be jealous of others. Why? You should be so preoccupied with loving yourself and changing what you don't like, you have no time to worry about what others are doing. Being jealous of someone is a waste of energy. You cannot control other people and the choices they make, or the luck they have. Weak people let other's circumstances affect their self-love and/or self-worth. Resist the temptation to be envious, as it will get you nowhere. If anything, let other people motivate you to achieve certain goals for yourself.

6. CARRY YOURSELF LIKE A LADY.
Embrace that which makes you a woman, and by all means, take advantage of the privileges that we have. Force men around you to treat you with the respect they would their mother, aunt or sister. Insist that your doors be opened for you, order your food first in a restaurant, and sit in the front seat if you are the only female in the car. There is nothing wrong with being "pleasantly demanding". Along with the privilege of womanhood comes a certain responsibility. Being a true "lady" means you exhibit manners that would make your grandmother proud, your clothes are tasteful and appropriate for your age, and your hair and nails are always clean. These little things make a big difference in how you are viewed by outsiders, and the quality of men that you attract.

5. KEEP UP WITH CURRENT EVENTS.
Staying in touch with what's going on in the world is very important. Not only is it important to be aware of national and global issues, it makes you a lot more interesting to others because you always have something to talk about. It doesn't take much to watch the news, read the newspaper online, or buy an issue of TIME magazine or Newsweek. Don't forget - parents and teachers are a great source of information on current events, and would love to have a conversation with you about something "serious".

4. Travel.
Do you have a passport? If not, get one. Before you are saddled with the responsibilities of a job and a family, take advantage of your freedom and travel. Instead of buying a new outfit, buy a plane ticket. See other parts of the world and observe other cultures. More importantly, have fun! Plan a trip with a friend to a social event in another city, a beach on an island, or a city in a foreign country. Capture your memories with photos or in a diary (or a blog). You will cherish them forever.

3. Be Proud To Be Black.
Black culture and heritage is based on strength, perseverance, and rich talents. You should have an overwhelming sense of cultural pride - as black people, we are so very special. Don't EVER feel as if you aren't equal to another person simply because you're black. If you have any question as to the importance of black people to our society, or how smart, beautiful, talented, funny and fascinating we are, start reading. Watch old movies. Read plays. Go see plays. Buy tickets for dance and musical performances. Seek opportunities to study academic topics involving, or related to, black people. Talk to your relatives that lived through some of the historical events you've heard about. Get on the Internet and study people with whom you're familiar. Keep in mind, black pride doesn't mean exclusion of others. It is most impressive when you seek to educate other cultures about the beauty and greatness of being black.

2. Have a Cause.
As long as you're here, it is your duty as a human being to help make the world a better place. Let your natural talents and passion lead you to an issue that keeps your attention, and to which you can commit your time and money. Get involved with groups that already exist. If your particular cause is new or unique, start your own group and make your friends join. Helping others is an easy way to feel good about yourself, and invest in the future of your community.

1. Love Yourself.
This is #1 and most important, yet challenging, mission to accomplish. Self-love is critical to survival at any age, and may be quite a personal journey. Loving yourself means recognizing, developing and honoring a sense of self-worth. Loving yourself means you have zero tolerance for anyone or anything that doesn't love you and respect you. Loving yourself also means you must treat yourself well, simply because no one else will do it for you.

FAMILY MATTERS

2009-01-10T22:58:00.000-08:00

Ever have an embarrassing moment in front of people that you hardly know and feel all insecure? Ever have that memory replay in your mind constantly till the point where you cry about it?

I have such a memory and its hard not to relive it.

How about the cause of embarrassment isn't any of your doing but its from someone you know and someone you care about? What if this person just told a room full of people some private and personal things about you that you didn't want shared? What do you do? How about if the person who opened their mouth is family?

The incident happened months prior and you've tried to let it go but now you don't want to hang with these people because you have a fear that they will open their mouth again and spread your business...

What do you do?

I am one who steers clear of conflict and I try not to be part of something that I feel will not come out nicely. Given the fact that I know my family members and their constant judgement of what I do I try to stay away as much as I can and when I do I get the whole.. "she thinks she's too good to hang with us" to which I say nothing I just brush it off and move forward.

Its 2009 and I am nearing my 30's and I have so many things that I want to get done and so many places that I want to go... and I am tired of the judgement and the ridicule and of course the embarrassment so I am going to keep to myself thanks.

I reminisce

2009-01-05T13:58:00.000-08:00

Well well well, I have blogged 2 days back to back... See I'm trying to make good on my promise to be more diligent to my blog this year.. I promised!!

So,I was sitting at work on AIM (not what I get paid to do, but I needed a mental break and I took it) talking to my cousin and we were reliving some of the good times we had in 2008. There werern't that many, because we really didn't do much but for the ones we had (which took place on AIM most of the time it was time to reminisce) A bonafide loser I tend to save the emails the AIM conversations that my cousin and I have so that I can reread them or cause she asked me to and today was one of those days. She asked about a conversation that she and I had with another friend of ours, and in the conversation was mention of Ivory. Though I try to forget him as much as possible he was part of 2008 and some of the times were good times so why not bring him up right! NO WRONG!!!!!

She then asks if I have heard from my ex-boyfriend Vinny aka Ivory who I met him almost a year ago this month. I instantly change the subject cause I don't want to talk about him, though I've been thinking about him a lot recently. I would never tell her that I missed him cause then she'd go on this long drawn out speel about me and him and what not and whose it so I just avoid the questions and the comments and I bring up something else. But I must admit I have been thinking about him a lot lately, I don't miss him per say.. I just miss the time that we shared during our short lived relationship. For clarification I miss the companionship that he provided, I miss the feeling of having a guy around just to kick it with. It was cool, until he started to get all psycho bitch on me. Ivory and I broke up because of his untrustworthy ways. I do not like men who feel that they need to go through my phone or my room or even my friends to feel secure about themselves (which is what Ivory did)but that's another story.

Ivory and I hung out every single day. I met him through my friends aunt. She worked with him and said that he was such a nice guy and couldn't find a nice girl to hang around with. She told me he was italian and that he was really cool and handsome and what not. I don't have a problem dating outside my race so I said eh hook it up. It had been a long while since I was in the company of a guy or rather a guy that I found to be potential boyfriend material that I decided why not.

When we first met it was like instant friendship that quickly and I do mean QUICKLY turned into a relationship. He picked me up from work and took me home. We hung out on the weekends, went to movies, watched football games over the phone with one another. He'd call me during the day to see how I was doing, he sent gifts when I started to stress about school and exams and such. I was taken aback at how attentive he was. I was like this can't be true, and if it is PLEASE GOD don't let him turn out to be gay. I mean he was really cool and I liked it a lot. I can honestly say that the beginning of our relationship was awesome. I couldn't have asked for anything better.

It didn't take him long to want to bring me to see his family. His nephew was turning 1 year old and he wanted to introduce me. I met his family cause he wanted them to know who he was dating. It seems that he was gushing to them about me and they wanted to know who this girl was. They were cool, very down to earth Italian family, not as old school as I thought but still some really cool peeps. They were used to him dating black girls so it wasn't a shock when I walked through the door. He also met my family as well, and my mom and aunt were very clear cut with him. But he remained cool under pressure and was good with them.

But then things started to change, he got to be too clingy. The insecurities really kicked in when I mentioned some of the things that I did on the side. Nothing outlandish and stuff, just some social gatherings with friends, and sometimes the girls, but he just couldn't handl e it. My cousins said that it was my fault cause we were hanging out everyday and talking everyday was what made him that way but I have to say that it was more than that.. He started calling me at work a million times. It had gotten to the point where I had to change my phone plan because he called me so much. He then had a problem with me hanging with my cousins (and lord knows that I don't mess or play when it comes to my family.) And that pissed me off... My cousins are who I run to for everything. Since I am an only child I have them as my siblings for anything that I may want or need.

I was getting sick and tired of the 20 questions about me hanging out with family members and meeting guys and hanging out with guys and if I can bring my boyfriend to my social gatherings and if I could not talk to my male friends, shit that was just normal to me became an obvious and blatent problem for him. Ivory wanted to be around me at all times possible. He wanted to know everyone that I knew, he wanted to know why I knew this guy and why did this guy say Hi to me.

I tried to break up with him a couple times and I never could, cause it would break my heart. I felt sorry for him and at times I pitied him cause he didn't have anyone. His friends were all gone. He didn't have anyone to hang with. It came to the point where I was the only one he knew and he had me has his one and only friend and I felt sorry for the poor guy. I started to confuse love and pity and tell him that I loved him and stayed cause I didn't want to be a selfish bitch and leave cause I was angry for stupid things.

But then shit hit the fan where he questioned me about a co-worker who sent me a message on my phone. Mind you my phone was locked or so I thought and he studied my hand movements and unlocked my phone and aked me about him.

NO NO NO.. homey this is where I call it quits. (well after 4 attempts of leaving I finally did)

I don't like insecure men. I don't like a guy who feels the need or urge to go through my cell phone. I don't like a man who wants to pull me away from my family because he feels that my cousins may influence me to talk to another guy (as if I'm not capable of thinking for myself). I don't like a dude whose overly jealous over stupidity, I don't like a man who I have to always tell that I will not go out and cheat on him.

I don't like a guy who needs to make friends with my friends to feel like he knows something or has an inside look at what I am doing when he's not around.. HOMEY ITS TIME FOR YOU TO STEP

So after about 5 or maybe 6 months of torment and aggravation I left. I had enough and I told him that this wasn't going to work. He begged and pleaded and said he'd change but I heard those words before. And to be quite honest I didn't believe that shit for one hot haitian minute. His parents were cool about it cause they know their son. They said that with my personality and his need to have someone around at all times they knew it wasn't going to go far, but they were happy to have had me around. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had had enough of this crazy assed relationship and I needed out, and out I went.

Last night while cleaning up my hard drive, I found some pictures of him and I deleted all of them. Ivory haunted me for weeks after we broke up, calling me at odd hours of the night from private numbers that I never picked up. He called my friends, and that just made shit worse. he even called my house at like 3am and mind you I don't do those early morning calls.. They piss me off, I picked up and cursed him out hoping that he'd get the point, and as the months passed he finally gave up.

So though it would've been a year of a relationship with him I am glad to have gotten rid of him and moved on to being by myself. I don't mind being single most of the time. I just miss the guy being there for all the guy things that they do, I do miss the companionship, but I do not miss the aggravation. I think 09 will bring on another "guy friend."

Good riddance to bad rubbish

2009

2009-01-04T20:03:00.000-08:00

I have been neglecting my blog site for sometime now. I know that I come by sparatically and say things but I haven't been as diligent as I should be about my blog site, nor have I been as curtious as I should be to my blog friends. With that I want to say Happy New Year. This year I plan on making some great changes, and one of which is to be more proactive about my blogging and also about my life period.

I will make more of an effort to do things, and not to be afraid to take chances.

I know many of us make new years resolutions and by the next month they've been forgotten but I do plan on sticking to mine.

So far so good.. yes its only been 4 days and things are destined to change, but by this time last year I was heading towards a relationship that wasn't great. Good riddance to IVORY. I tried to talk to people who I know weren't available to me.. (stupid me, but I have learned better)

But all in all 2008 wasn't that bad, but I know that 2009 is going to be spectacular cause I am going to make it that way.

So to all my blog friends (hopefully I still have some) Happy New Year. I hope for the best for each and every one of you. I pray that you're blessed beyond measure and that you're dreams and hopes become reality.

Until next post

LIRYC

The run down!

2008-11-20T06:25:00.000-08:00

Its been since forever since I've blogged. This is due to the fact that there is nothing and I mean nothing going on in my life that I can really put out here.. well that was until now, because I'm kind of sick and tired of meeting crazy people. I've come to the conclusion that I have an internal magnet that just attracts these crazy's to me! Ok, let me take you back a couple of weeks, I was headed to work on one of those gloomy Monday mornings and was talking idly to a fellow train rider about the book that I was reading. I had become so engrossed in the "Twilight" saga's that I had to talk to everyone about it (if you haven't read it, you should.. Movie comes out tomorrow)
Anywho, there was this guy on the train staring at me. I tend not to pay attention to these types of men, because more often than not they aren't my type.

After the girl who I was talking to got off the train, he commences to step out of his shell and talk to me. I am not a snob, nor am I standoffish so I speak back to him. Just random questions that people ask you when they are trying to get to know you. As I reach my destination, he asks for my number, not wanting to rule him out because he wasn't what I thought was drop dead gorgeous I gave him my card. He said he'd call me and I was off to work. Fast forward 3 days, he texts me (yes sends me a text NOT a call but a text) to ask me if I'd like to meet up. I say sure and tell him to meet me at the local Starbucks, since I am a fan and was in serious crave mode for a "White Chocolate Mocha with Soy Milk and no foam;" I thought it was the best place to meet and talk and satisfy my cravings all in one shot.

Anywho, we meet up and he's just as I remembered him, short, bald, but smelled really nice. I am such a sucker for a man that smells good. So we go in, I order my coffee and he orders his. We begin talking, and the conversation is ok, its just regular. He tells me he was married, and that's fine, because now a days men have some baggage. Then homey (that's what he's been reduced to now) tells me that he has kids, see I have no problems with men having kids, because again things have changed and men sometimes have baggage now too... but what the stipulation was that he had what he called "twins" or rather "black people" twins. I had to ask, what that meant... see he has two children that are both 4 years old, but not, and I REPEAT NOT from the same MOTHER! Ok, that made me cock my head to the side for a bit. I asked him to explain, the goes on to say that his wife had gotten pregnant than left him, and then he met someone else and she got pregnant too, so he has two children both 4 from two different women! Daughter born in August, son born in November. (Yes, I was in total HELL NAW moment) But I didn't want to get up and just leave him where he sat so I just continued on with the conversation. After about an hour he said lets walk around the neighborhood.

Now, I know that was my clue to yawn and say that I was tired and was gonna go home, but I don't know what made me stay. So we continue to talk, at this time, homey loops his arms around mine. "HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE!! YOU DON'T OWN ME! I DON'T SEE NO RING ON MY FINGERS... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?" was all that I was thinking. I didn't say that to him, although I should have, I just kindly stepped aside and said I wasn't comfortable. So we walked and talked and chatted for a while. He tried to loop his arm in again and this time I moved around and looked at this house that was decorated for Halloween. I had, had about enough of homeboy so I said I wanted to go home. I only lived about 4 blocks from where we were so he said he'd walk me. Fine, no arguments from me. Shoot, it was dark and I didn't want to walk alone. He drops me home and I give him a fake hug, and he says we should go out again, I say " You know my busy schedule, I'll let you know."

Now ever since that nightmare of an outing homey has hit me up EVERY morning, but yesterday took the cake. I normally just tell him that I am busy doing things for my friends, or church or recently doing things with my sorority, and he usually goes "OH so you Don't Want to see me?" and I promptly delete the message. And ignore, this morning's message just took the cake. "At exactly 8:18 a.m. while driving to the train station (gets me there quicker then I give mommy the car so she can drive herself to work) he hits me up Says Good Morning and asks me what I am doing today cause he's losin his mind not seeing me! WTF??? I really want to call him and say DUDE WE WENT ON A SORT OF DATE AND YOU HAVE YET TO CALL ME. YOU TEXT ME EVERY FREAKING DAY. GET A LIFE AND F**K OFF! But I don't, I just delete the message. My question is : How do I get him to stop it. I don't want to be mean or sound like the angry black woman, but he's pissing me off and its getting to the point where I don't care. Should I just cuss (yes cuss.. west indian in me) him stank and be done with it, or should I be nice and say : Listen, I don't appreciate you texting me everyday. If you were trying to get to know me, you wouldn't' text me. You'd have called. And I am not interested. Thank you."

what should I DO?????????????????? cause I am one step from going Haitian on him and giving him a good stank cuss.

LONG Hiatus

2008-10-21T06:14:00.001-07:00

I haven't blogged in forever. Its mainly because I have nothing to write about. Life has been so boring that I long for the days of drama and some stress because it would at least inspire me with something to write. I am emotionally ok, can't say that I'm great but OK. My birthday passed and I didn't even celebrate. I am now 27 years young and still learning what this life is all about.

I was talking to my friend KP yesterday (an avid blog reader and blogger herself) and she was asking me why I haven't blogged in a while, nor have I been reading and commenting (she likes those things I try to respond.. love reading her thoughts) I told her that I have reached a slow point in my life. I do nothing other than work and home, oh and of course looking for other means of employment while I'm at work. I am on my grind to find a new job. But, other than that nothing. There are no male interests (well there was one, but I'll talk about him later.) I don't go out as much as I used to. Its like I'm at a stand still.

KP says that I should make my changes. Do something spontaneous. While I'm all for spontaneity, I feel sluggish to do anything. Has anyone felt like this? Its like I want to do something more exciting but I don't want to have to go out there and do it. I want it to come to me!

I have a friends Halloween party coming up next week, that should maybe add some spice to this boring life of mine. And if not I am seriously going to have to do something drastic to take me out of this rut that I am in.. Until then, Happy belated b'day to me.. Happy belated b"day to Ms.Knowitall.

And I'll be back to my old blogging days soon enough.

I hope!

FRIDAY!!! Ramblings ???

2008-08-22T14:08:00.000-07:00

Thank God its Friday. I have been waiting for this day all week and its finally here. Though I have tons of things to do this weekend I feel like it took forever for it to come. My friend is getting married this weekend and tonight is her bridal shower. I have NO money so I have to find some way to hustle $100 and get her something anything from her gift registry.

Saturday another one of my friends is having a b'day bbq and she invited me and some friends to come and have eats. Though I'm not really in the bbq mood I thought I'd go and just enjoy some time with friends, why not have a good time with good people. My best-friend is suppose to be coming into NY with my godson so I'll be spending most of Saturday morning with them, but by the afternoon I'll go.

Sunday is my friends wedding and I am excited for her. She and her boyfriend have been together for what seems like an eternity I wish them the best because Lord knows how many marriages end in divorce nowadays... I don't want to say that to her so I'll promptly keep my comments to myself. Her fiance isn't the type to cheat from what she's told me, and from what I know of him he seems like a good man, so why not tie that knot. All the Best CINDY!

I have finally stopped hearing from my crazy lunatic ex-boyfriend Ivory! He has seemed to finally get the picture so here's to hoping that it remains that way!

I should have a story to tell next week about a guy I used to date. We've been speaking and though I don't want to admit it to him, or to myself I think I like him.

Next week is very very eventful. Monday it's Ms. Patti LaBelle at Wingate Park, on Tuesday I'm suppose to be going to see Allison Hinds (Soca Queen) at SOB's, then Wednesday some after work spot because its the day before my cousin's b'day. Thursday is Ash's b'day so we're most likely going to dinner.. and then that weekend is LABOR DAY WEEKEND and we all know what that means.. Well for the West Indians, you know what it means.. time to jump and wine and wave....

SUMMER IS OFFICIALLY OVER!

No longer in search of an I.B.M

2008-08-20T23:00:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite romantic/comedy movies is "Something New" I love the whole girl meets boy, girl likes boy but pretends not to, boy courts girl, girl behaves like an ignorant fool, dumps boy, girl becomes jealous of boys new girl, girl realizes she loves boy, and finally boy and girl live happily ever after TOGETHER! I absolutely loved this movie from beginning to end. There were so many memorable moments in the movie. Many of the things that the main character had to deal with were relate able. One of the most memorable parts of this movie was when Kenya (Sanaa Lathan's character) is told by her best friends to give up her idea of an I.B.M. To be rid of her dream of having an Ideal Black Man to grow old with.
Is this true, should a woman whose accomplished and established (and of course African American) give up her idea of having an Ideal BLACK Man to spend her life with. What is wrong with having that Black Man to share your dreams and wants with? Nothing, in my opinion, actually its commendable to have a black man by your side as a strong black woman to build together a strong black family. To continue on the tradition and deeply rooted beliefs of the black family, but the problem is that there aren't many Ideal Black Men anymore, and the ones that you would consider to be ideal to you do not date black women.

Case and point: I have a girlfriend who just graduated from the University of Connecticut, she actually graduated from law school, as the only black woman in her class of about 30. According to her the two black men in her graduating class do not date black women, I was a bit shocked to hear this. As an advocate for the Black Family she cannot seem to find the black man that would suit her, to me that is a shame. She's a very pretty girl to, and its not because she's my friend that I think that she's pretty but she really is pretty, but back to the problem at hand. Why can't she find a suitable suitor who also happens to be black? Why is it that as we grow in our careers and in age does it get harder to find a good black man to date? Why is it that as we accomplish more and understand ourselves more that that number of available black men diminishes? Am I the only one that finds this to be odd? Whats wrong with our black men? Where have all the good ones gone?

What I have found is that many black men don't know how to treat a black woman, they don't' know how to appreciate the goodness and wonder that is a black woman? Many black men become insecure of themselves and have to abuse the black woman to make himself feel better. Another thing is that many of these black men don't know how to act once they've got a good BLACK woman. Many of these men behave like young boys when they see women, they must have as many as possible. I don't want my man, my "IBM" to be with anyone other than me, is that too much to ask, can he possibly keep it in his pants? I don't know what happened to being faithful? Is that something that our grandparents only knew of? What happened to being with one woman at a time? Or at least trying to remain with one woman?

I once dated a guy who claimed that he had broken up with his girlfriend and he wanted to date me when I was working at the library in midtown. At first I was hesitant but after his persistence, and our constant flirting I took him up on his offer and started seeing him. Just a couple of dates to feel him out, make sure he wasn't a psycho. Things seemed to move kind of quickly we dated briefly and then things became serious and I thought I had found my IBM, he was what I asked God for, he was what I wanted. He was goal oriented, was family friendly educated and well spoken, we came from the same background so there was no language barrier among our elders. He was affectionate and understanding of my needs. I was inebriated by him I thought that God had answered my prayers and had given me what I wanted, my black man who would be the father of our beautiful Haitian/American dark- skinned babies. After 6 months in, (I told you it was quick) as fate would have it I found that he didn't actually break up with his "girlfriend." He was still with her, though he was with me everyday. I didn't understand how this was, I was crushed beyond belief . Why do I have to share? If he was with her than be with her, don't drag me into your confusion. He later said to me that they were in fact on a break, but it was during our dating period that they got back together. He said that he wanted to tell me but he had fallen for me and didn't want to break my heart! (HA! WHAT CROCK) That certainly wasn't my IBM. What I asked God for he gave me. He gave me the Black Man with the qualities that I was searching for but I didn't understand that with some good, also comes some bad! My IBM (his initials were IB, get that)was dead off and I had to start all over again. There had to be another IBM out there! There just had to be!!!

My girlfriends have this picture perfect man that they want, and his name is Marcus Jones. He is a tall man, about 6'3 or 6'4, dark skinned and has beautifully coiffed in nice, neat dreads. Marcus works at a well paying job where he either wears suits, or casual slacks and a button down shirt depending on the day of the week. The suits hug his Adonis like frame perfectly and his khaki's fit him well. Underneath the suit Marcus has a well chiseled body, he works out hard (about 3-4 times a week)to keep in tip top shape, Marcus abs are cut and chiseled like the body of an athlete, like Reggie Bush.

and he has a gorgeous smile, handsomely featured, and well groomed like Brian White

or Michael Jai White

On weekends, Marcus wears jeans and timb's and knows how to relax, he doesn't complain when his girl wants to go shopping or if she wants to hang out with her friends, and he's got no problem hanging out with the guys when his girlfriend just needs some alone time. Marcus takes his woman shopping whenever she needs it, he has no problem spending his money on his woman, he gives her lavish gifts and pays her bills,he also sends her on mind blowing vacation trips to relax and get away. Being an Adonis isn't only what makes Marcus wonderful, Marcus is great at handling his woman truth be told Marcus can also lay the pipe right. He knows how to make a woman feel like a woman when making love. He is the most sensual yet sexual man when need be. Marcus can make love for hours and he's very romantic. He gives body massages and rub downs, draws a bath for his woman when she comes home from hard days work. Soft yet rough, tender and compassionate Marcus is well hung and knows how to use his tool. He is never overbearing and he is a great listener. Marcus can converse about anything, he's multidimensional and he's not afraid of a challenge, as well as being a good looking and hardworking man, he's also a volunteer, he donates his time to charities and has other non-profit organizations that promote the uplifting of the black family, like Barack Obama! Marcus is about teaching the young ones, he is a role model for young black men in the community.

Marcus is about family, he's about love, he's about commitments and responsibility, he's about everything and anything. He goes to church on Sunday's, he loves his woman and only his woman he doesn't cheat because he doesn't see the reason to, his woman and their children is all he needs, and he works hard to make things better for the future of their children and future generations. All in all Marcus can cook, he can clean, he's a family man and he's god=fearing, in other words Marcus is PERFECT!

Damn, he sounds like such a good man doesn't he? He sounds like the perfect husband. There is one slight problem, MARCUS IS A FIGMENT OF THEIR IMAGINATION! Marcus Jones DOESN'T EXIST!!!! Yes ladies, he's is made up! There is No REAL MARCUS JONES! He is someone my girlfriends made up one day while we were talking about our ideal mates. I wish Marcus was real, he would be my perfect husband, my IBM! But, he's not! He's what every woman would want for herself, or her friend, or her daughter. Fact of the matter is that there isn't any man on this earth who is this perfect. The only perfect man was Jesus and he already is ours so what else should we want. Many of us think that having this man, who does all the things that we want and need would make us happy, but in actuality it wouldn't. I know many might be saying yea right, I know I'd be happy if my man was like Marcus Jones, but would you really? Then there would be nothing to argue about, and ladies you know sometimes we just have to pick a fight (shoot I know I do)

My IBM is real, he does exist but there is one problem my IBM isn't black! In all honesty he's not an IBM, he's just an IM. My IDEAL MATE! I want someone who is going to work hard, and push for a better tomorrow. He is a wonderful person and he's not perfect. He makes me happy and he makes me sad. I miss him when we're not together but can't wait to be apart from him. He's the yin to my yang! Though we fight we love each other and we understand each other. We support one another's dreams and aspirations. We can cry and laugh and we can scream at each other when we're pissed off at one another, but we never go to bed angry! My IM is just another extension of me. God said be fruitful and produce, but he didn't say "Blacks with Blacks and Whites with Whites!"

Don't get me wrong believe in the black family, I believe in teaching my future children about the struggles that blacks had to go through to get ahead in this country. If my children come from a black father than great, but if my IM isn't black then that's fine too. I can still provide my children with the knowledge and deep roots of our black culture. Ladies some of you are afraid to step outside your race, some just want to be with a black man, and you have every right to be with a black man! Some of them are really strong and wonderful, and then some of them are weak and cruel! Many of you are still searching for your IBM, but what if he does exist but just isn't black. Would you pass up the opportunity of having your very own Marcus because he's not the B in your IBM. Don't you deserve happiness??I think we should change the B from black to beautiful, actually drop the B all together and just make it your IM. Your IDEAL MATE!

I also find that if you ask for something make sure that you can back it up by being what you asked for. If you ask God for a man who has a great body and works out, then make sure that you have a great body and work out, because you have to give what you ask for.

Remember "Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections."

I hope all of you find your own Marcus Jones.

At the end of Something New, Kenya finds that her IM isn't in a black man but is in the hardworking White man that she met. I am not saying that this is going to happen to all of us, but at least she didn't count him out. Don't count out that white, or Latino guy that is checking you out from across the room. Don't shy away from the cute Italian guy that walked pass you down the street. If you're attracted say hello, you never know if he maybe your Something New.

Good luck ladies

My top 10 wants in an IM (Ideal Mate) ..
1. He must be God fearing, I believe in God and so must he, God is the beginning and end! No excuses for not knowing who God is.
2. He must be educated, college isn't for everyone honestly but you must have something in that cranium. Knowledge is attainable with a click of a mouse, please be able to converse on multiple levels
3. Goal orientated, don't be complacent, you must want to reach above your present state. Make changes, move forward!
4. Family Friendly, my family is very important to me. I have a very large extended family and my cousins are like brothers and sisters with me, I'm not saying that you must get along with everyone, but if everyone dislikes you there is SOMETHING WRONG!
5. Honest! Though this is self explanatory I don't think I need to explain it, but for argument's sake I will , I can't stop you from lying but if you lie then that what you did you lied, but if I find out that you lied to me that trust goes out the window, and with no trust there can be NO US!
6. Presentable, I admire a well manicured man! I love a man that can dress. Nothing is sexier than having my man look well put together. Hair well groomed, nails trimmed with NO DIRT under the fingernails, shoes (can't have sneakers and tims all the time) and smelling SO GOOD!
7. Respectful, be conscious of your surroundings. I can understand a slip up every now and then, but please no cursing around children, or elders. I can appreciate a man who is well spoken and understands when he's hanging with the boys or me and when we're in public around other people.
8. Loving, I give what I get. I am not saying that you need to be all over me but I would like to know that I am appreciated, that the things that I do aren't because I have to but because I want to and you are thankful that I do it.
9. Supportive & Understanding, sometimes you need someone to believe in your when you're doubtful of yourself. There are times when I feel like I can't do something and it would be nice to have someone in my corner letting me know that he believes in me and that I am just going through a slump and I'll pull through and that he has faith in me, because God doesn't create junk (this is where the God fearing thing comes in AGAIN)
10.Faithful, though it comes last its not the least important want on the list. I don't take to kindly to cheating, and I don't believe in the "It just happened" line. Nothing just "happens!" I appreciate a man who can keep it in his pants. This city is overflowing with beautiful women, it doesn't mean that you have to sleep with every single one of them! If you are no longer feeling the relationship let me know, don't step out on me! I would rather be miserable without you than be miserable with you!

I'm addicted

2008-08-19T10:26:00.000-07:00

I am not really into reality Television. I try not to watch the stuff that they have on MTV or VH1, cause to me its a whole bunch of CRAP, but I have to admit that I am an addict to "The Hills!" Monday night was the premiere of season 4 and I must say that I was awaiting it to begin with baited breath. This show has gotten the best of me. The younger girls that I hang out with are fans, and they got me into the show. Season after season I just sit and watch and wait. I find myself getting home and vegging out waiting for the show to come on, on a Monday night. Now I know that this is not really reality because some of it is scripted, but I can't help myself. The story line reminds me of some the petty drama that a lot of other women go through. But I have to admit I am addicted. Why oh why!!! MTV you're horrible for doing this to me!! Hills Monday night at 10pm...... Yeah I know I'm pitiful!

Oh for those of you who watch MTV on a regular basis, Real World is being taped in Brooklyn. I went to Crunch Gym yesterday in Park Slope and they were taping for this season! I tried to get my face on TV, lets see if my attempt worked. I'll let you know!!

Random thoughts

2008-08-03T19:08:00.000-07:00

I told Eb, that I was going to "borrow" this from her site and that is just what I am doing. I have to admit her posts tend to make me sit and think about my own little meme's. Little things that need tweeking or need grand alterations, but all in the name of bettering myself. Well, thanks Eb, here are some of my little tidbits of randomness.

Maybe I should...stop spending so much money (this I had to keep, Eb hit it RIGHT on the head)
I love the smell of... a baby. There is nothing like the smell of a baby
People would say that I...am nut, but always there for them whenever they need me
I don’t understand why...I continually attract the WRONG type of men. I wonder what it is about me that bring them in my direction. Seriously it must be something that I am exuding that is bringing them to me!
When I wake up in the morning...I thank God for another day
I lost my will power to...make people into something when they rather remain a NOTHING!
Life is wonderful... when you have amazing family and friends to share it with
My past has... made me the person I am today and I wouldn't change any of it for the world
I get annoyed when...people try to play me for a fool, and think that I cannot see it!
Parties are not...the place to behave like you have NO home TRAINING!
Dogs are...cute when they’re small, big dogs scare the HECK out of me!
Cats are... sneaky mongrels
Tomorrow I am going to...see Erykah Badu at Wingate Park in Brooklyn. Its FREE and I’m so there!
I have a low tolerance for... ignorance
I'm totally terrified of...personal failure, forget what the world thinks of me but I struggle with being at peace with my own accomplishments and how I view them for myself (ditto EB)
I wonder why I thought my life would be...easier as I got older. I was so mistaken. It’s a lot harder now that I’m an adult.
Never in my life...did I think that I’d be fed up with one person!
High school was something that...I would so do over again. I made so many great and wonderful friends; I loved every minute of it
When I'm nervous... I stutter, though I try not to show it, if you listen to me speak you realize that I have an instant impairment.
Take my advice...to put God at the head of your life because he already knows your path (AMEN EB)
Making my bed is...something that doesn't happen too often...I usually am running late so that's the last thing I think about before I leave my house! I sometimes just use it as an ironing board!
I'm almost always...up for a good meal... I likes to eat!
I'm addicted to... my cell phone! Jesus help me, I’ve already dropped it in the toilet there isn’t anything left to do now! Please help me!
I want someone...who doesn’t lie to make himself look good. I believe in being the REAL you. If you’re false then there is no need to speak to me. I only invite REAL people into my circle.

Life is what you make of it. Sometimes its needs a bit of tweeking to get it right, but if you keep God first then everything will fall into place. Sometimes Random thoughts or someone else's random thoughts inspire you to see what needs to be altered! Thanks EB

Haitian Pride

2008-07-22T16:00:00.000-07:00

I'm one cool Haitian chick! I remember the days when saying that I was Haitian was taboo! I remember the fights and the swears that were sent to every Haitian child that had the balls to say that they were Haitian. Many days some of my good friends were chased home because they were Haitian. They couldn't escape the whole ridicule. Me on the other hand, well thats another story! Let me tell you where this came from....

My mom went to Haiti at the end of June. When she returned a week ago she told me how she couldn't believe what she saw. She says that the country that she grew up in was not even recognizable to her. It was dirty and ugly, unlike the beauty that was before it turned into a ghost of its former self

I came to this country when I was 4 and a half. Being Haitian was the worst thing on the planet (trust me NYers were tough on Haitians). I remember that kids were being called every single name in the book. "Haitian Booty Scratcher," they would say that I had HBO "Haitian Body Oder" they said how my people brought AIDS to the country. The mid-80's was not a good time for Haitians and so to avoid ridicule and torment I told everyone that I was Jamaican (yes I went there and said the most common and acceptable thing at the time.) With a name like mine I don't know how many people believed me, but some did.

When asked what part of Jamaica I was from I'd promptly tell them Kingston. Since, most of these kids were American born they wouldn't question me, until one day when my overly accented mother decided to pick me up from school and belt out in her loudest Haitian voice "Nelly, comen to me rat now" Yes, it sounded just like that! And then she added with force when she saw that I was not paying her any mind "Nelly, vin j'wen mwen kounye'a," which translates to Nelly, come here right now or I'll make you come here.

Man did those (true haitian) kids rip me a new one. Those who were Haitian looked at me with disgust because while they were getting beat with rocks and getting food thrown at them for being Haitian, here I am denying that I'm Haitian but in actuality I am one of them. Those who weren't Haitian but knew about creole looked at me with a puzzled look. One of my friends said, " Is that lady talking to you? Is that you're mom?" So I said, "Yeah she's calling me, No.. she's my babysitter. She came to pick me up!"

I know, I know.. how could I! But, imagine how many wedgies I saved myself from getting by perpetrating as a Jamaican. Being Jamaican was cool by the time I came here. Shabba Ranks was on the TV, and everyone knew at least 1 Jamaican artist. I couldn't be a Haitian I just couldn't. So what I said was that my father was from Canada and my mom was Jamaican and since I lived with her I considered myself Jamaican and since my dad was absentee I didn't claim my Canadian heritage. (I have to say it sounded good when I said it back in 1989)

As the years went by most of my friends who came to my house found out that I had lied. Most of them got really mad at me because I didn't acknowledge my country. Many of them called me some nasty names, and while I know I deserved it I wasn't planning on owning up to it because if I did it would come out that I was Haitian and the name calling would begin. I was sensitive. I didn't like ridicule. I would cry when the other kids where teased, so I tried to help out whenever I saw another Haitian kid being picked on. It doesn't make the situation or lessen what I did but I tried!

By the early 90's (junior high)I was enrolled in catholic school. In my old school EVERYONE was Haitian. All of the kids that I had as friends were from Haitian parentage, so saying I was Haitian wasn't a problem. We would speak in our Haitian patois to one another and no one would make fun of us. I met up with some kids that had gone to my elementary school. Many of them were surprised to see me owning up to my Haitian culture. By the time I graduated junior high I was a full fledged "Haitian."

I started High school in the fall of 1995 and by then I loved being Haitian. It made me unique. I loved what my country stood for. When I first arrived at John Dewey I found that there was a large population of Haitian kids. As a matter of fact the 2nd floor was the Haitian floor. Most if not ALL of he Haitian kids used to have their lockers on the 2nd floor. I learned more about my culture from these kids. Many of them came (to America) later than I did and so they had stronger accents. They taught me words that I later got slapped for (thats what I got for asking questions about words that the other Haitian kids taught me) By 1996, The Fugee's came out and guess what the 2 males in the group were HAITIAN!!! YES!! FINALLY RECOGNITION!!!!

Labor Day 1996, Haiti represented HARD!! Everyone who knows about the Labor Day parade on Eastern Parkway knows that its usually the Trinidadians and the Jamaican's who hold it down. They are the ones with the biggest floats and the most craziest people. But once the Fugee's came out, ALL the Haitians came out of the woodwork (especially me) and we represented HARD!!

As I learned more and more about my county I grew to appreciate my culture more. I learned that we (yes we!! I AM CLAIMING IT, I SAID IT!! LOL) were the first to gain our independence. A slave country with no real form of leadership beat out on of the biggest empires during that time to gain its own rights. Talk about reality Check! I found out that my country though poor held so many great riches. Authors Edgar Allan Poe, and Zora Neale Hurston had traveled to Haiti. Other than Wyclef, Jean-Michel Basquiat was another prominent Haitian figure. Garcelle Beauvais, Lela Rochon.

I did my research, and with what I have learned I have found that I am proud, yes very proud to be HAITIAN. Though many don't understand us, its OK. We are glad to be who we are. I love Haitian Music. I enjoy listening to my mother talk in creole, and I enjoy telling jokes in creole.

So everyone who used to make fun of us I love each of you. For those that stood up for us during those times of beatings and swirly's thank you..

SAK PASE my people!! (Haitian Translation = WHATS UP!)

Rant!

2008-07-15T21:13:00.000-07:00

I just had to rant! I was talking to dude "my friend" and after I had to use the ladies Asap! ( I know TMI) I have a tendency of putting my phone in my back pocket. I guess its a bad habit that will definitely die now. Well anyway, here I am about to pee-pee myself when my cell falls out of my back pocket and falls into the toilet!

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!

This shit pisses me off. I cannot live without a cell phone (yes I'm addicted but I don't want a cure, its my crack and I love it!)

See this is what I get for talking to home boy on the phone. This is what I get for listening to him talk shit. My phone falls in to the toilet! Are you kidding me!!!! (Yes, I do reach in and get it, though its at work)

Damn it, and my insurance doesn't cover water damage!

FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!

And I didn't back up the information onto my computer!!! Shit!! This just keeps getting better and better!!

Ok, first get some alcohol and wash your hands first. Forget using the bathroom get out now! Take battery out and shake the phone. Try to see if you can get the water out. It wasn't in there for too long. Only about 2 seconds, but that's enough water damage.

Why didn't I sync my phone? WHY??? Seriously!! This is all my fault!!

DAMN!!!!!!!!

Ok, I know its a cell phone and its a possession that I was without 10 years ago, but I am with it now and I can't live without a cell phone.. (what did people do before then??)

FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

Ok, gotta call my carrier and ask them for a new phone. Will tell them that I lost it and they'll send me another phone. I need it asap!

See, this is exactly what I get for listening to him talk shit! Good for you! You deserve it.. you should've hung up like you said you were. No, your stupid behind actually sat there and had a conversation with Ol' Boy!!!

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mom, Haters, and other Randomness

2008-07-09T23:35:00.000-07:00

Its the middle of the week, normally I don't have drama or stupidity running around, but today must've been bullshit Wednesday because everyone was in rare form.

While driving into work this morning, my mom and I have this disagreement about my attitude. she claims that as of late I've gotten to be so snappy with her. I don't think that I've gotten snappy, I just think that she shouldn't always be up under me to do things that I have already done. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother. She is the apple of my eye. The rock on which I have built my own foundation, but she can be the most annoying person on the face of this planet. I know some of you are probably saying, "how can you say that about your own mother?" While, there many others feel my pain because their mothers are similar to mine. So you can feel my pain. But, if you've lived with her you'd see what I meant. My mom is a caring person but she just doesn't know when to quit.

I have this priest that knows my family really well, you can say that we're practically family and she heard from my aunt that he needed to speak to me. Now, on several occasions she reminded me to call him, I can understand the first 10 times she said it, because honestly I forgot so I appreciated the reminder, but then she decided to repeat it like 30 million times in 10 minutes and that got on my nerves and I snapped at her. I actually told her to go away and leave me alone. I usually tune her out but I was already having a bad day (forgot my metro card and cell phone at home) and she just got on my last nerve so I snapped at her.

She goes and tells my cousin that I disrespected her. Though it seems minor I just hate when she does things like that. Its like she expects my cousin to reprimand me because I snapped at her. Mind you my cousin is younger than I am by 4 years, but my mother has a tendency of telling everyone my business, and that is what makes me more upset. She feels as if she should just tell her whole family what happens b/w her and I and then I have my nosey and just as annoying aunts and uncles tell me that I need to be more respectful of my mother, and that she's going to have a heart attack and its going to be because of me. Let me tell you these family members are the most two faced people at times, because they are quick to tell me how overly protective my mom is. Now, seriously how old does she think that I am? You know at almost 27 I really don't want to live at home anymore, but I do want to continue to save for my home and this is the best way I know how. My mother is a pain in my behind, and I am going to have to deal with it until the time is right. Lord God give me the strength!

That same day I decided to wear a dress to work. I have never been a big fan of dresses (predominantly because I went to catholic school and those 8 years of dress uniforms made me sick and tired of skirts and dresses totally) but lately I've been wearing them, the dress was cute if I do say so myself and I loved the way that I looked in the dress. That morning on my daily morning breakfast break, my co-worker friends FP, and K were with me we decided to go into McDonald's to grab some eats since it was only a block up from the job. As K and I were talking and laughing I noticed something out the corner of my eye, at first I brushed it off, but then I noticed that as soon as K and I walked in these two young women staring at me. As a confident woman, I pay them no mind because I know I look good, and I don't care what they have to say, but its like "what the heck are you looking at?" I am not a person who likes to confront people but I was already aggravated and I didn't want to start any drama with these young women. K, noticed these two girls starring at me and stood in front of me. She didn't want them to look at me in the way that they were and she was ready to say something if one of them decided to get out of line. These young girls didn't know who they were messing with, K, wasn't the type of person you'd want to confront, though she has a smile on her face, she's the type to kick your ass and have no remorese about it. I tend to get a little ghetto and when I do, my true West Indian self tends to come out. I was trying to keep it in, but I know these girls didn't want a real Haitian cuss out, and I looked way too cute to have a foul mouth so I swallowed what I had to say and I let those two "DUSTY BROADS" stare. K and FP and I walked out and they were still staring, talk about HI HATER!!!

Why do women have to do that? Why must they give another woman the evil eye if she looks nice in what she is wearing? Why must it always be about who looks better and if I do look nicer than you do why must you roll your eyes and suck your teeth and mumble under your breath about me. Really WOMEN WHY???? Though I received ample amounts of compliments that day on my dress, it still bothered me that those two girls were looking at me with disgust, or envy. I think it was more envy and jealousy than anything else, but it made me mad and a bit self conscious the rest of the day. As I went home I began to think about why women acted the way that they did.

Living in NY where women outnumber men 7 to 1, I can see why some women are quick to throw those jealous stares at another womans way. I can recall on several occasions where even I gave someone an evil eye, not because she looked good in an outfit, but because she looked like a mess. I admire a well put together woman. A woman that looks nice and has on clothes that fit. I can compliment a woman on her style if I see it mimics my own, but when I see a young lady dressed as if she's about to walk down the street and sell herself it makes me upset. I want to go up to a girl like that and ask why must you dress like you're almost expecting to get picked up.
Don't get me wrong, I do have some short skirts and shorts, but there is a way of wearing them and not showing off too much skin. I think that if a woman knows her size she is able to appropriately wear her clothes without looking "whorish" then its all good!

I have seen my fair share of girls with jeans that are overly tight, where the rest of the skin just hangs on top, or the shirts that are a smedium, when she knows she's an extra-large. I mean really ladies.. WHY????? Whats with the muffin tops? IF you wear a size 16 there should be no reason why you're fitting your booty in a size 12. Wear your size!! I am a plus sized woman and I LOVE MYSELF, and just cause it was made in your size doesn't mean its for you. Screw that "If you're comfortable" crap! If you can't sit in your jeans then you shouldn't put them on. If you have to lay on the bed for your jeans to fit then, um hon. get a bigger size. As women our weight fluctuates and there are times when we aren't as small as we thought we were. Ok, enough of that ramble.

And lastly on this Wednesday, I have to say that I am fed up with my "friend!" He called me this past weekend and asked if I wanted to go out and spend some quality time. Now, I should've known better and told him no, but my feelings for him got the best of me and I went with it and said yes. BIG MISTAKE! He told me that he was coming from Long Island and would be by my apartment in another hour or two, well lets just say that its Wednesday and I still haven't heard from Ol' boy! Yes, its been 4 days and NOTHING! You think I'd learn! Nope, I'm a hopeless romantic and I believe that people are good. I should just realize that he's full of shit, and move on. As the day drudged on I was exhausted and fed up with just about everyone. My boss was getting on my nerves, my mom was pissing me off, and the guy that I liked did his disappearing trick again! But, suddenly out of no where I get a call from him and he wants to act like everything is peachy. NO NIGGAH its not! ( not a fan of the word but today it is needed) Don't act like you didn't have plans with me. You would think that these red flags would be an indication that he's not available to me. I finally realized that was what it was, he must not be available because no man, can just up and disappear like that without a trace. No man! Seriously. I cut him a new one, I flung out as many F' u and go F yourself as possible . I am too through (honestly this time) and he can go scratch! Thats it. I'm finished.

This day needs to just END! This has been the worst Wednesday EVER! What is going on!

Usually my Wednesday's are dull, mainly because no one really does anything on a Hump Day. But today, it was a bit extra for me. I couldn't wait for it to be Thursday! Just couldn't wait! Thank God this day is over. Amen~

20 REALIZATIONS!!

2008-07-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

While surfing the blogosphere I stopped by one of my favorite bloggers page. Eb-the-Celeb, she had a list of 20 things that she has come to realize. I have to admit this through me for a little spin, predominantly because I haven't really sat down to think about anything new lately. I've been so preoccupied with work, and church and other activities that I haven't had the time to sit and ponder about this life of mine and how great it is.

So, thank you Eb, because of you I've come to some thought provoking realizations!

1. I've come to realize that my legs....
look fabulous in heels. Never realized how tight my skin is

2. I've come to realize that this weekend...
should be better than last weekend.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...
I have a little bit of road rage

4. I've come to realize that i need...
to strengthen my relationship with God. I've fallen off so much!

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
my insecurities. I am learning to be more confident. New motto : Confidence is SEXY!!!!

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
I'm in the middle of a situation that I have no control over *(ditto Eb, I do concur with this one)

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...
I make stupid phone calls, that result in questions the next day

8. I've come to realize that money...
is not a want in my life, its a need

9. I've come to realize that certain people...
aren't as sincere as they portray themselves to be. They tend to try to fool others when in actuality they're fooling themselves.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be..
a procrastinator. I'm a Libra its in my nature

11. I've come to realize that I have a crush on...
this guy that I knew in college. He used to ignore me, now he's all on me. (Just don't want to let him know I'm digging him too)

12. I've come to realize that my mom...
is my everything. I am who I am because she's awesome! But, she gets on my nerves something FIERCE!!!

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is..
my crack. I can't live without it. I have lost my wallet, but have never lost my cell phone

14. I've come to realize that when I wake up in the morning...
I tend to check my phone before I even brush my teeth

15. I've come to realize that last night before i went to sleep...
I had a good cry. Sometimes crying helps!

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...
what is it about me that attracts these pitiful dudes? What is it that I put out that makes them come to me?

17. I've come to realize that my dad...
has never had the chance to tell me his side of what happened!

18. I've come to realize that when I get on myspace...
I still check my ex's page to see if he's done anything new. I'm pitiful I know

19. I've come to realize that I really want...
to finish these pre-req's for the Ph.D program!

20. I've come to realize that if I died today...
I'd be missed by so many people. My co-workers and friends really do love me! (warm tingly feeling inside)

Now, its time to really sit and think. Make some changes in my life. There needs to be some other realizations!

Talk about things that make you go hmmmmmm.....

My Turn- Tagged

2008-07-03T09:25:00.000-07:00

YAY, my first tag!! I've never been tagged for anything since playing on the playground at my old catholic school. But, its nice to have been though about. MsKnowitall, posted some really good songs, and now its my turn to share with everyone in this blogesphere about the songs that got me moving and grooving this summer.

I try to remain as young and hip as possible with these young kids right now. I don't know if its because of my longing to return to my younger years of less responsibility and carelessness or its because I really just like the music..

The Rules
"List seven songs that you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring/summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to."

MY LIST

A millie- Lil' Wayne: I have to say that I have jumped on the Lil' Wayne band wagon with that song. No matter the mix I love it. The bass, the pump of the song. I just love it, there is something about this song that begins the summer. My favorite line in the whole song is "Ok your a goon, but what's a goon to a goblin, Nothin, nothin you ain't scarin nothin

Heaven Sent- Keisha Cole: I love this song, its one of those songs that you play for the person that you're with. It lets them know that they are special to you. It also reminds me of the Mary J. Blige song "Everything" that was one of my favorite songs for the summer, absolutely LOVE this song!

Coconut Juice-Tyga: Yes, he's a new artist, but the bass of the song is wonderful. It just pumps you up to dance and have a good time. I love it. "Put the lime in the coconut and twist it all up!" The words say it all!

Closer- Ne-yo: Is there no song from this man that I DON'T LOVE! It reminds me of SUMMER. It first starts off slow, and then the songs tremble just drops and you just have to either start voguing or you're not feeling the music. Go Ne-YO!

The Way that I love you- Ashanti : I have no clue why, but LOVE this song from Ashanti. She doesn't have the best vocals but I like it

Cock it up-Beenie Man: Being the true West Indian that I am. I cannot have a list that doesn't include some sort of reggae music in it! And no other artist in the reggae industry makes music bangers like Beenie Man! Mr. Moses, or The Doctor however he wants to be referred to has hit it again with this song. Now, if you've never been to a "Dance" you probably won't know this song, nor have seen the dance for this song. But, just by the title alone you should get a good idea of how the dance is done. But, to endulge you I'll let you know. You actually bend over and "cock up" your backside. The dance is somewhat "stripperish" but I just like the song. No need to do that movements if you do go out to a club, just enjoy the song. Beenie Man is like no other!COCK IT UP - BEENIE MAN
Imagine Me- Kirk Franklin: No list is complete without this song! My friends from church and I were having a discussion about the way God sees us, and this song is the perfect example. Now, being the sinner that I am I know that I have many flaws and faults, but God still loves me to no end. I party, and dance, and cry and all the other things. I have gone through my fair share of depression and doubt, and self hate, but God has loved me throug it all, and if I could see myself the way God sees me then life would be great.

Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally finally I can...
Imagine me
I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
But finally I can...
Imagine me
Being strong
And not letting people break me down
You won't get that joy this time around
Can you imagine me? In a world (in a world) where nobody has to live afraid
Because of your love fears gone away

Can you imagine me?"

These are the songs of my summer. Its seems like things are going to be good. Music makes the world go round. Each song represents something. And now to pass on I am tagging!

TAGS

Bougoisie-on-a Budget
Eb the Celeb
The Diva
Jas-Man
LadyNay
Chubby Chocolate
Kellz & Cris

You're next.. Lets see what has you jumping and dancing this summer!

I AM LIVID!!!! Ok, not as much anymore But I WAS!

2008-07-01T11:25:00.000-07:00

I had started writing this blog a couple of days ago, and I didn't finish. I decided to re-write it after a couple of days of thought, and also it gave me time to calm down, things just seemed to get worse and worse as the days went by. As a friend of mine continually tells me, when it rains it pours.. I had to take a time out, if I had posted what I had originally was going to write I would come off sounding like the angry black woman, and lord knows that I didn't want to be portrayed as such. So here goes my blog and thought process after days of mellowing out and prayer. I'm fabulous and those who can't see it need to rush and get themselves glasses, cause I'm the bomb like TICK TICK!! (thank you lil' wayne for that line)

First off let me start off with Friday, remember that date that I had on the 27th of June. Well my blogger family, let me tell you. NOTHING happened, there was NO date. I was stood up! Yes, I was stood up! Can you believe that. Its 2008 who does that? I mean seriously!

I had gotten home after a long day at work. I was looking forward to hanging out with my "friend" because this date would be the tell all tale of what we were going to be. I wanted him to know that I was interested but I didn't want to come off desperate. So, when I got home I did the routine maintenance that women usually take when they prepare for a date. I groomed my legs and underarms because I was planning on wearing a sleeveless top and how embarrassing would it be to go out and have hairy pits. Say it with me people YUCK! So I got to shaving and cleaning and showering. Used Shea butter because I didn't want that ash effect later on that evening. I tend to get ashy as the night went on and Shea butter tends to keep the ash at bay.

My girlfriend calls me asking if I had begun to prep myself. Now, as the typical Libra, I am a born procrastinator. I always wait till the last minute to do things, but tonight I decided to be ahead of the game. I had gotten out my outfit and laid it on my bed because I didn't want to keep him waiting. How rude would that be. I chose a favorite pair of brown pumps that I don't wear (I wore them once and they are so beautiful that I wear them sparingly) Since, he's a tall individual I wanted some height, so the pumps were a good look. I decided to wear shorts black (yes I have thick thighs, but I don't care. My legs look nice in some shorts and pumps) and a brown neck tied shirt. My black and brown clutch to finish off the look. I was ready to go! All set, now just had to wait on him. I didn't have to do my hair because it was in braids. So I just pulled back some and pinned it in this cute style that I tend to do. My makeup was light but right. Smelled good, I dabbed on some of my favorite perfume (Lolita Lempicka) behind my ears and my wrist and my neck.

The time was 9, and the movie was suppose to start at 10:30. It gave him ample time to get to me and for us to drive to the city (Manhattan, for all you non-New Yorkers). I didn't want to seem over anxious so I didn't call and ask what time he was going to come (in hindsight maybe I should've) I just sat in my living room, waiting. 9 turned to 10 that turned to 11 that turned to 1. Pissed off was an understatement for what I was. I think that if he had eventually came I would've picked him up and flung him somewhere but he never did, nor did he call. I called him and surprise, surprise, it went to voicemail!

Me: Hey, whats up? Um, I just called to ask if you forgot about our meeting tonight. Its 1:20 am and I just wanted to know. ( stopped there and deleted the message, I sounded so desperate, and needy.. Oh no he was not going to get that from me! Definitely not)

I got undressed and went to bed. (Lord, give me strength not to call him in the morning and cuss his ass STINK.. I am such a West Indian!!!)

The next day I waited on him to call me. I waited and waited. NOTHING! I wasn't going to call him. I wasn't going to..I refused to, I was the one that was stood up, he had to call me and give me an explanation as to why I was home and not out watching a movie on Friday night! I am going to hold it down and NOT CALL HIM! I filled my day with errands and other odds and ends that I needed to do.

Sunday came and STILL NOTHING! In my mind I was like WTF??? Did he seriously forget about me? Or is he hurt somewhere? I'd feel like shit if he was hurt and I was here making a scene about being stood up when he was in the hospital or something worse! So I broke down and called him. The phone call went to voicemail

Me: Hey you! (trying not to sound both annoyed and pissed off) What's up? I haven't heard from you in a couple of days, just making sure that you're OK. Give me a call, when you can.

Sunday came and went and nothing. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, ( I started to really get nervous. I hadn't heard from him at all) Friday comes, I get a text from his sister.

Friend Sister: Hey, what time is your bbq?

Me: Its starting at 7, but knowing how haitians are you know we don't get it started till about 9.

Friend Sister: Ok, just wanted to know.

Me: Um, how's your brother? I haven't heard from him. Is he OK.

Friend Sister: Yeah, he's fine. Just going through somethings right now, he's keeping to himself

Me: Oh, OK. Just making sure he wasn't hurt some where. Oh, is he coming with you?

Friend Sister: No, he had something to do with a friend of his. But he may come and pick me up

Me: Ok, I'll see you later

Friend Sister: Yeah, def.

OH HELL NO! This idiot was fine. He was alive.... HELL NO! He couldn't be alive. Its been about a week since I've heard from and he had the nerve to be Ok, and not in a ditch somewhere... I don't think so. She must be mistaken, he must be in the hospital.

I know I sound insane and really mad, and truth is I was. I was LIVID!

Disclaimer: Angry Black Woman rant about to happen, please do not hold it against me!

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE. THIS IDIOT KNEW I WANTED TO GO OUT WITH HIM AND HE DIDN'T HAVE THE BALLS TO CALL ME AND TELL ME THAT HE COULDN'T MAKE IT, AND NOW ITS 8 DAYS LATER AND STILL NO PHONE CALL! WHAT THE HELL DOES, OR RATHER WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS. HE WASN'T ALL THAT FLY ANYWAY! DOES HE NOT KNOW WHO HE STOOD UP! HE WAS OK, AND JUST GOING THROUGH SOME THINGS, WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE WAS HE! I AM TOO THROUGH! NO MORE, I WOULD RATHER REMAIN HIS FRIEND IF HE WAS GOING TO TREAT ME THIS WAY! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! OK, I feel better

So, the weekend comes and I am running around, handling things because my mom, had gone to Haiti on vacation and I wanted to have her things in and prepped before she came back. She called me and asked if everything was Ok. Naturally she asks for him, because my mom is a nosey Haitian and wants to know everything. I tell her that I'll speak to her when she gets home. She says, to me in her very thick Haitian accent "Tell me, he don't call you?" I say to her "MOM, I'll speak to you when I pick you up from the airport!" We hang up and I get angry again because I still haven't heard from him.

Monday, I get back to work. Regular Monday, work, work and more work. At about 3 in the afternoon I go downstairs to the shipping office to shoot the shit with my friends. It helps the day go by quicker. At about 3:30 I head back upstairs and notice that I have a missed call. I look at the phone thinking it was my cousin confirming our meeting for after work. But, it wasn't her. It was HIM! He called me from work, and left a voicemail

I check my voicemail and he says "Hey, its me. Give me a call when you get this."

I call his job back and ask his co-worker to speak to him. When he picks up the phone he has this almost nonchalant attitude. This makes me mad instantly. I have never been this angry with one person. Ok, I'm lying. Ivory made me mad especially after our breakup but that's another story in itself. But, this guy who I thought I was interested just got my blood pressure to go up in 3 seconds (OMG, I am becoming my mother, with her blood pressure stories)

ME: Hey what's up? I got your message

HIM: Hey, nothing much. I have to talk to you.

ME: Yeah, what's is going on?

HIM: Its, just somethings that have been going on.

ME: Alright, are things Ok? Anything bad happened?

HIM: Um, actually I can't talk cause I'm at work but tonight I'll definitely call and we'll speak. I need to tell you somethings.

We hang up. I go back to my desk and wonder and ponder on what he may have to tell me later on that night. I am curious? Is he going to tell me that he has someone and just couldn't tell me (I've been here before so nothing is impossible) I go through the rest of the day with the thought of what he going to tell me looming in the back of my mind. I decide to go and visit my friend Dre. He knows how to make my day better, though he sometimes gets under my skin with his corny, and I do mean CORNY jokes, I go to him for comic relief and some male perspective on this situation.

Dre tells me that homeboy must've had someone on the side and just didn't want to tell me. He claims that homeboy might've wanted to tell me but couldn't because he had a fear of losing me as a friend and a potential interest. I think its a crock of shit, but I tell Dre that I see his point and just continue to listen while him and his friend have idle banter about life and women! They sometimes forget that I am a woman, and I have to remind them that there is estrogen in the room, and to not fully generalize all women (but that's another blog story)

Time passes and guess what NO phone calls. Not one. Where was the explanation? What happened to I got to tell you what happened? See, just like I told Dre, LOAD OF SHIT!!!

I have come to the conclusion that I am way too good for this. I know most of you are probably going to scratch you head and go DUH.. but its my revelation to myself that I am way too good for this dude. What the heck was I thinking, when I wondered if he and I could go from being just friends to "interested lovers?"

Seriously, what was on my biscuit? As the days rolled by I found myself wondering and pondering less and less about him. Even when he called (which was sparingly, in comparison to when I first met him) I find myself just talking with him, and having no feelings. Its like he's just another guy that I know that I can talk to. Its only been about a week and half since the whole "stood up fiasco" but I'm Ok. I can deal.

This is the summer, just the beginning of it too. There will be other prospects and nothing is impossible. I am not going to limit myself to one individual, and an unworthy individual at that. I am no longer upset, nor annoyed. I'm too through, WHATEVER TREVOR!

TGIF

2008-06-27T13:13:00.000-07:00

Friday, finally!!! I am so glad that the weekend is here. Time to relax unwind and catch a flick or two. Tonight is my date with my "friend" and I hope it goes well. I have the perfect outfit and the perfect set of heals (dude is 6'3, I need the height) we are going to go and see "Wanted" I have been so anxious to see this movie. I love me some Angelina Jolie. Work went well, had a small altercation with this one porter and had to put him in his place.

D, has an issue with my co-worker friend FP, and since FP and I are friends, D doesn't like me. Most people at the job would find this odd because I am such a nice person. Seriously, anyone who meets me cannot say one bad thing about me, well other than that I am overly hyper for a person my age. But D, doesn't seem to like me one bit. That's OK though, because I am not going to be liked by everyone, and that's OK. D, is what people around my neck of the woods would call 7:30, meaning he's kind of crazy. I don't know how that works out for time but in the hood that's what they call a crazy person. So, D, had to pick up the garbage from my office, I saw him walk in talk his idle chatter with my co-workers, then he just left. OH NO, he didn't just do what I thought he did..IMPOSSIBLE, did he just have the audacity? Yes he did, he had the audacity to pick up everyone else's but mine. I knew he was going to do that, but I was giving him the opportunity to prove me wrong. Unfortunately he didn't and left the office. I could've left it alone and not even bothered, but my trash was overflowing from the previous days papers, and I had to say something

If you know me, you would know that I am not a confrontational person. I don't bicker, I don't beef with people. I'm usually happy go lucky, but I had to check that at the door when it came to messing with Mr. 7:30. He had, had an altercation with a co-worker friend of mine, and just because I am friends with that person he decides to hold a grudge against me. I am fine by that, I wasn't made to be liked by everyone. It happens, not everyone is going to befriend me. I have come to accept that. But he was going to get a piece of my mind. I marched downstairs to where the porters were and saw him. I took him to the side and started telling him as I thought it was. I knew I caught him off guard because he looked stunned. Never has anyone heard me be mean or get it out with anyone at the job. Its not of my character, but he made me step outside of myself today with his antics. My other co-worker friend Drea had to come outside her office and ask what was going on. She couldn't believe it. She tells me later that it was a shocker to hear me talk the way I was talking because it was so unlike me, and she knew that if I was talking this way, that something had to be wrong. I told her and she said to be the bigger person and leave it alone.

By the end of the afternoon I was better, I had gotten over the mornings fiasco, I was beginning to be a bit apprehensive of the evenings plans. But I knew it was going to be the deal breaker. The make or break part of the whole "friendship!"

I'll let you all know what happened! Keep your fingers crossed that I cross over that threshold of being "homegirl" to "love interest"

Confident Woman

2008-06-24T07:22:00.000-07:00

I was hanging out with a friend the other night and we were talking about traits in the opposite sex that we find to be very attractive. I gave him my list of what I found to me most sexy in a man. Number one was a sense of style. I like a man to be able to dress well, it doesn't have to be name brand designer wear, but man that can work what he wears no matter where he bought them from. Another attraction of mine is smell, I LOVE a good smelling man. He can come from a hard days work, but if he smells just as he did when he first left home I am so head over heals for him, and of course an INTELLIGENT man. I love a man that can stimulate my mind. A man that can converse with me on a multitude of levels and keep my interest without boring me.

I then asked my friend what he found to be sexy in a woman. And the first thing out of his mouth was a woman who was confident. Knowing my friend I thought it was going to be something shallow but he said "confidence" that wasn't something that I didn't expect him to say, normally he'd say oh big breasts or a fat ass, but he is actually taking our conversation seriously and said CONFIDENCE. Then he randomly listed what he thought made a woman attractive. In addition to confidence my friend said that he found an intelligent woman attractive, a woman who was goal orientated and motivated to move forward. A woman who would be right next to him as he made his way up the ladder of life, and not a woman who was going to hold him back ( I thought this couldn't be my friend, impossible, I have NEVER heard him talk this way, I almost wanted to tear up because he was finally growing up.) He said he loved a take charge type of woman, and a woman who could both hang with the men and the women, and knew how to transition between the two.

I had to ask him what kind of confidence was he speaking of? He stated that he didn't like the conceit kind of confidence nor the arrogant type, but when a woman was sure of who she was and knew that she had a sense of self pride and awareness. So I began to wonder, how can a woman be confident? Or rather what makes a confident woman?

Growing up, I was never the most confident young lady. I think it was due to the fact that I was always made fun of. Always, the darkest, and the shortest and lastly the roundest. Always will be the chunky girl of the group. Most of my teenage years were spent wondering if I was as pretty like my light skinned skinny friends, but as I got older I grew into my skin. I love all the fullness of my thighs and the deep arch of my back. I like that my arms are full and that my face is round, yet and still confidence wasn't there. Its taking me some time to shed those years of torment, but I'm learning. Some co-workers of mine say that I exude a sense of confidence about me, but in actuality its because I love to take pictures, and having supervisors who are also photographers is an added bonus. So that's why I am always in front of the camera. But, back to being confident.

How can someone who isn't confident learn to become confident? While doing some research (women and self confidence) I found that low self-confidence is learned and sometimes it takes unlearning the learned that can help you break out of your shell. It takes a lot of time and determination for a person, especially a woman to learn to become confident. BUT How do you go about learning to become a more confident woman or what makes a confident woman confident? What attributes must a woman posses for her to be considered confident?

Many of the women that I have come into contact with, who I think have that flair of confidence always stand tall. They never slump or hunch their backs. They are proud women. Women, who are educated and know where they are going in life. So I think a confident woman Stands Tall through everything. Though she maybe having a horrible day she will not show it to anyone. She will be as strong as if nothing has happened.

Another attribute that I deem as confidence is attitude. I think for a woman to be confident she needs to have a confident attitude. Not saying that you have to be a jerk and talk down to others, but have an attitude that shows that you're aware of who you are and what you stand for. The confident woman with an attitude doesn't apologize for her stand on anything, she doesn't make excuses for it either. She tells it as it is and its up to you to determine how you're going to take it.

The confident woman, will be able to take criticism from anyone, including her signficant other or her superior and not break a sweat. The confident woman, understands that sometimes she isn't right, but she's not going to show any signs of weakness to anyone, even though it is her spouse or lover.

There are so many things that go into being confident. I am on my way there. There is so much to learn about being confident. I am taking each step to making myself the most confident woman I know. Joyce Meyer, writes a book on how to throw away insecurities. I think I am going to invest in it. ABC News took an excerpt from the book. :

The confident woman know that she's loved.

The confident woman refuses to live in fear.

The confident woman avoids comparisons.

The confident woman does not say "If only" and "What if"

Ways to become confident:

Break away from other's expectations.

Learn to cope with criticism.

Have an opinion.

Refuse to pretend.

I am taking these little thing and adding them to my everyday life. Ladies, if you're looking for that extra something to make you more confident, look into these little things, it seems to make a world of difference.

Frustration

2008-06-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

I think I've had my breaking point when it comes to the opposite sex. I think that I am just going to call it quits for a while and just take it easy. I know that sometimes a woman must do what she needs to, to get what she wants but I think that there needs to be a happy medium when it comes to certain things.

I have been trying to get myself out of the friend zone with the guy that I am interested in. I have been making the conscious effort to actually talk to him and to see if he wants to be more than just friends, but it seems that now I am the persuer instead of the persuee.. I don't like to chase men, I don't think that I need to. I think I've dropped enough hints and "dimes" for him to know that I am interested in taking this farther than just the friend roll.. But I think that he is either ignoring me or he is really dense which would be a turn off for me anyway.

I called mr. "Friend Zone" and asked him out to dinner. In hopes that this would open the doors of communication. I was thinking that maybe if I asked him out on a date that he'd see that I was looking to step outside of the "Friend Zone" box and maybe start something. I feel like I'm the man in this but I don't care. I wanted this guy to know that I was interested so I'm going to put myself out there.

Me: Hey you, whats up? How was your day?

Him: Eh, long boring day, you know how it goes

Me: Um, so I wanted to know if you weren't busy on Friday (the 27th), maybe we could go out and grab some eats?

Him: Yeah, that sounds good. You know where you'd wanna go?

Me: Uh, yeah there's this cool place in Williamsburg called Sea, wanna go there

Him: Yeah, sounds good.

Me: So Friday it is?

Him: Yeah, sounds good.

That happened a week ago, and homeboy has yet to call me back! Ok, I know I sound a bit much but I was hoping that he'd call me back to confirm our date or whatever. Though its the beginning of the week I think he'd want to make sure that the plans were still on. I don't like this feeling. I feel like I have lost all control of myself. As a woman who sometimes, ( I used the word sometimes very loosely) has composure I'm trying not to call him and ask him whats up. The rational side of me says that "Hey he remembered and is just going to wait it out till Friday and meet to go out." Then, there is the irrational side of me that says, " Woman if you don't call him and see if he is dating some next chick and you make an ass out yourself thinking that he remembered Friday." UGH, I hate this up and down roller coaster that I have to deal with when dating.

Living in NY is not easy. The men here are so hard to come by. Ok, let me rephrase that, the GOOD MEN are hard to come by. I usually meet the guys that I have no interest in. The ones that are unmotivated, uncoordinated, and unreliable... ALL UNATTRACTIVE! You really don't run into well spoken, well dressed, ambitious young men who aren't out to just screw you every chance they get, in NY. I think this guy suits my character. He's ambitious, and goal oriented, and most importantly he's GOD FEARING... I love a man who knows the WORD! But, again I am placed in the FRIEND ZONE, because of my love for sports and anything that is usually male dominated! I don't want to call him, I REFUSE to call him. He knows that I asked him out so I am thinking (yes I know its assuming, but I really don't want to show that I am making an ass out of myself) that he maybe waiting for me to call him back with confirmation of our "pseudo-date." Why can't he call me? Why can't he make sure that its still on?

I'm beginning to think that this was not a good idea, and that I am just wasting my time and that I should just move on with myself and not worry.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (ok, I feel better)

Friend Zone

2008-06-16T06:55:00.000-07:00

Question? Have you ever been placed in the "friend zone" after you've started talking to a guy that you found to be interesting? What I mean is, you and a guy that you like, and by like I mean you want to get to know on a more personal level begin to talk on a regular basis, the conversations are stimulating and you're able to converse with him about a multitude of things. You and him talk about sports and cars and all the things that "guys" like and all of a sudden you see that the passion that was there has started to dwindle and that the person that you used to like has become a good male friend instead of a love interest.

This has happened to me on several occasions. There would be a guy that I like and he would have the greatest conversation skills. We would begin to talk and then the question of things that I liked to do would come up. I would tell him and when the topic of sports came up he would automatically go insane because I knew stats and other things that most of my female friends wouldn't know. This would lead to hours and hours of conversation which I thought was a good thing, until weeks pass by and the getting to know you and dates no longer come up and all of a sudden your conversations begin and end with trash talk.

There was this one guy that I started talking to and he would talk to me everyday. I thought it was going good because of the constant conversations, but at the end he would tell me that reminded him of his friend instead of a girl that he was interested in. This pisses me off so much. I get so upset with it because of the fact that I was looking for someone to be with instead of someone to add to my friends list. I don't need anymore male friends. I don't need anymore guys to add to my friends list. If that was what I was looking for there would be no reason for me to give you my phone number. But, unfortunately enough for me that wasn't what happened!

I had to really get to the bottom of this situation because if this continued I'd have a multitude of male friends instead of a real boyfriend. I had to ask one of my many male friends what the deal was.

Me : Dre why don't guys want to be with me in a girlfriend way after I tell them I'm into sports?

Dre: Because you're not a real girl

Me: WTF????

Dre: Seriously, the reason is because in the beginning the guy just wanted to have sex with you, but when he realized that you were so cool they don't want to take advantage of you

Me: Are you serious?

Dre: Yeah, guys are like this. If he was interested before he just probably wanted to just sleep with you but after he started talking to you and getting to know you and found that you had a brain and knew sports his instant erection went away and he doesn't want to do that, cause you're a nice girl. Someone he could watch the game with, and not get distracted

Me: hmmmmm, thanks dre

Why is that if a female can talk the same things a guy can and is interested in a lot of the same things that he is, why must she be placed in the friend zone. How do you get yourself out of being put in the friend zone. Many of my female friends have not ever been put in the friend zone. They have never had to deal with the rejection that I had to endure because of my love for quarters and innings and periods. Many of them had never had to have the talk about just being friends.

Was this just happening to me? This is not possible. There is no way that I was the only one that was placed in the "friend zone" I don't believe that I was the only one. I asked my friend KP and she let me know that she was also put in the friend zone a couple of times. This had to be some kind of parallel universe. My friend KP was an awesome woman, why would any guy put her in the friend zone. I'm a bit upset because this guy that I was talking to I wanted to be with and thought that something was really going to happen, but instead I'm in the friend zone. UGH, life..this sucks

Name meaning

2008-06-13T13:45:00.000-07:00

Wow, 2 posts in one day. This is new for me. I have to thank my blogger friend eb the celeb for having this because I had to find out about myself. I have to admit this is so on point. Soooo me!

What Nelly Means

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Now for my real name. The name that my mother gave me. I think that these people have met me because this is uncanny. I can't believe how much a name relates to a person.

What Yves-Nelly Means

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

You are very hyper. You never slow down, even when it's killing you.
You're the type of person who can be a workaholic during the day... and still have the energy to party all night.
Your energy is definitely a magnet for those around you. People are addicted to your vibe.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Being / Becoming A Good Woman

2008-06-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

I had to borrow this one from my other blog. I have been going through some serious changes lately and I just felt that this post made a lot of sense to me. These last couple of months away from blogger have been very hard. I had someone in my life that wanted 100% of my time and it came to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt like I lost my sense of self and it took me a couple of days to figure out what had happened. When I came back I found that what I thought was missing was just misplaced. So I did some searching and found this. It hit home... so here it goes

"The end of 2007 wasn't a good one for me. I thought that I had a lot of things under control but I thought wrong. I started questioning myself as a woman. I wonder why I make the decisions that I do knowing that they may not be to my benefit. In the last 7 years I've made so many mistakes, many of them have helped me grow into the woman that I am today but a lot of them have put a damper on my thoughts for the next 7 years.

It is usually said that the number 7 means the finality of it all. And new beginnings start with 8, so I'm hoping that all the old baggage and drama and self conflicting issues have ended with the end of 2007 and 2008 with bring joy and happiness. As usual my email inbox is filled with well wishes for the new year and hopes of prosperity and joy and all that jazz.

But of course my friend KR sends me the best email of them all.Sometimes the life of a woman can get to her. Sometimes we question ourselves as women, we question our motives and our choices that we make. Sometimes as a woman you wonder how much your emotions have to do with your choices and why things couldn't be simpler? I myself, have been the biggest judge on things that I have done. Though I try to learn from the past and not make the same mistakes, I've fallen victim numerous of times to things that I have done and redid without thinking it thru.My friend KR sent this message to me at the right time.

I needed something like this to cheer me up and help me see the brighter side of things. I realize though I make a million mistakes it only makes me a better woman. I am not perfect, but what makes me more likeable and personable are my flaws. They are what will enable me to be empathetic and sympathetic to others. And because I'm in and one with God I know that all will be well.So I write this blog for women who are ever in doubt of who they are. Any woman who may be in need of a quick pick me up. Whatever the circumstance or problem always remember you are a good woman!

A good woman knows God.
A good woman is proud of herself.
She respects herself and others.
She is aware of who she is.
She neither seeks definition from the person she is with, nor does she expect them to read her mind.
She is quite capable of articulating her needs.
A good woman is hopeful.
She is strong enough to make all her dreams come true.
She knows love, therefore she gives love.
She recognizes that her love has great value and must be reciprocated.
If her love is taken for granted, it soon disappears.
A good woman has a dash of inspiration and a dabble of endurance.
She knows that she will, at times, have to inspire others to reach the potential God gave them.
A good woman knows her past, understands her present and moves toward the future.
She knows that with God the world is her playground, but without God she will just be played.
A good woman does not live in fear of the future because of her past.
Instead, she understands that her life experiences are merely lessons, meant to bring her closer to self knowledge and unconditional self love.

To all my good women out there, do not hold on to what was, but press on to what will be. Keep strong in faith and love and understand that the mistakes that we make is what molds us to who we will eventually become. We are all good women, it just takes sometime to realize it.

Jealousy isn't a good look.

2008-03-26T09:06:00.000-07:00

I've been having a tough time with classes lately and have been feeling a bit down and out about my current educational pursuit. So as means of cheering me up Ivory decided to send me some flowers to my job, unbeknown to me. He does these cute things to show his love for me. I got them right before I went to lunch so I left them on the desk, it was my little tactic to show them off. I love when he does these little spontaneous things. It keeps the relationship spicy, though it is still new.

During my lunch I told my co-worker friend what Ivory did. I told them how happy I was that he sent them to me because I've really been down and out, and this made my day seem a little bit better. My friend (FP) says that I need to show them to Ms. Calvin Klein, (in my mind I had already thought of that), but I told him that he knew full and well that she would have a heart attack because she doesn't receive anything from either her husband nor her lover Juan. But as soon as we got back into the office I decided I would parade around with my bouquet and show them off. When I got to Ms. Calvin Klein, she didn't' seem to thrilled to have seen them. She had this look on her face that read, he sent you flowers again? I ignored her and commenced to rabble continuously about how Ivory is the best boyfriend around and how sweet he is. She just gave me this side look.

As I go back to my desk to gloat ( I know I was wrong but that is for all these months of her crying and acting a fool over some man that has absolutely NO feelings for her) as I sit down she hits me up on my gchat talking about how nice it is that I met this man and how he should give lessons to those who do not know how to woo a woman. I know she is saying this because she knew that her expression read loud and clear over her face. I wanted to let her know that I didn't give a rats ass about what she thought, but instead I said thank you and yes I know to end the conversation. I exited our conversation, but as quickly as I did that she sent me another Instant message. (MCK just doesn't know when to quit, she's a constant gabber) She goes on to tell me that she's glad that I found the right person and it goes so well with this book she is reading from Oprah's book club. I just continued to respond with my one word answers of Yeah, unhunh and you're right in hopes that she'd just sign off and not continue, but alas she continued to write and just get on my nerves. I know she's not really happy for me, and just says it because she wants to seem like she's a good person. My mother warns me about those types of people, people who say they wish you well, but curse you under their breaths.

Anyway, today I come in and my friend FP tells me about what him and MCK spoke about while I wasn't there. It so happens that she is upset that she didn't get anything from neither one of her "love interests." He tells me that she was definitely green with envy, and she wonders why she can't be like me.

Not to toot my own horn (toot toot) but shoot I'm loads of fun and really cute, while she's boring, and not that attractive. (I know that wasn't nice but shoot this is my blog.. LOL) Anywho FP tells me that she secretly longs to be in her 20's like I am, and to have all the fun and enjoyment that I am having. I wanted to go over there and scream at her.. YOU'RE F**KING DAMN NEAR 50 GIVE IT UP. FP tells me that she's trying not to show it, but she really is envious of me, and that she wishes that she could go back and be like me when she was younger, and blah blah blah... Now I don't know if its wrong of me or not but I couldn't give 2 shits. I am not sorry for her at all. I have tried to tell her that there are somethings that a grown woman shouldn't do and how to behave (I act like I'm older than her) but she doesn't listen. I told her before, Green wasn't a good look on her.

Things I like to say

2008-03-25T06:27:00.000-07:00

After a monotonous meeting with the upper level management about the way that they plan to revamp this j-o-b that I have, some co-worker friends and I decided to hang out a little before going back to work to talk about what was going on. We tend to have a lot of these chit-chat moments after meetings, it helps the time pass. Though we talk all the time its never the same (got to love your co-workers because they bring that extra umph to a boring day). I decided to come on blogger and look through many of the blogs that I read. Its been a while since I've had a chance to sit down and read what is going on in the world of my blogger friends. Forgive me for the absenteeism, but I promise to post once a week to keep you abreast as to what is really going on in my life. I will also be checking in, with my regulars and leaving my little tid-bits. So, while taking a look at Miss-Stress' page, I saw her post a list of things that she says and I thought I'd borrow the idea and post a couple of things that I tend to say from time to time.

Moobs- Refers to a man who has boobs. There is this one guy at my job who thinks his body is ripped, but in actuality its not. He has this big old saggy boobies that are just wrong on a man. If measurement serves me right, he's about a B cup.
Mitties- A man who doesn't quite have the boobs yet, but will definitely be on his way to having them. These are better known as man titties. Now, I can tolerate Mitties more than I can tolerate Moobs.. Just as long as mitties don't turn into moobs I'm fine.
Sp-ed : This is a person who needs special education. I am in no way, shape or form, making fun of people who had to have special education, but I think that sometimes these people have continuous brain farts and say stupid things that would have been corrected had they have had that special education. Sp-ed.
Bad Hemorrhoid- This is predominantly used in reference to the lady at my job who to this day is still harassing the co-worker she slept with. NO amount of surgery or preparation H will remove her from his behind.
We're going to the Prom- Lets just say that this isn't something you'd want to hear me say about you or to your face. If and when I say this while on the phone and you happen to be around, and its about you, I suggest you go into hiding as soon as possible.
I'm going to slap/shank/stab you- Its exactly how it sounds. If you and I are friends its an empty threat, and is said because of something you said to me that I didn't like or thought was funny but needed a comeback.
in there like swimwear- I know I am not the only person that says this. I've heard it from many other people. but its one of the phrases that I really like. It suits the situation and puts emphasis on the fact that you're going to definitely be at an occasion.

There are so many more things that I tend to say but I really can't remember because most of the time they just come out at random. But on most days I do say what you're reading. My friends tell me that I have the most vivid imagination. I come up with different words ever now and then. I think I will keep a list when I say little cunning things. Look to the future for words I say.

2008-02-13T08:26:00.000-08:00

I saw this on MsKnowitAll page. I just had to find out how old I acted

You Act Like You Are 24 Years Old

You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel like an adult, and you're optimistic about life.
You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

You're still figuring out your place in the world and how you want your life to shape up.
The world is full of possibilities, and you can't wait to explore many of them.

What Age Do You Act?

My first love (song from Avant)

2008-01-18T08:58:00.000-08:00

Hey blogger fam, sorry for being MIA, had so much to do the last couple of days that I haven't had he time to come on and write. But the craziest thing happened a couple of days ago. I got the strangest email from someone who I thought I would never hear from again. It was one of those emails that you have to read twice to make sure that you're not missing anything. The email was from my ex-boyfriend, my first love (sidebar : I quietly I begin to humm the song from avant). When I first opened up my email inbox I deleted all the spam that wasn't phished out, but then I recognized a name that literally made me say "OH SHIT." I had to really look at the name to make sure that it wasn't a mistake... but it really was from him. From SLY! Sly and I dated for 2 years after High School. And those 2 years were the stepping stones to years of uncertinty and mistrust for men. See while Sly and I dated he decided it was a right time to cheat on me.. not once but twice with the same girl. My friend, or rather some chick who I thought was my friend. He had gone off to the army (3 year stint) and I stayed here to go onto college, but during that time we decided to continue with our relationship despite what my friends said about not having it work because of the long distance. I found out that he had cheated on me when my friend told me that she and him had "hooked up" unbeknownst to her that he and I were dating. I felt betrayed so when he wrote his first note to me from his base in Texas, I tore into that ass and told him where to go and put that penis of his and to never get into contact with me. I couldn't believe the a**hole had the nerve to do that. I was a virgin at the time and I didn't want to give it up that quickly, but he couldn't wait, he didn't want to leave NY without some kind of vaginal penetration so he had to put it where it fit. The story of Sly and I went back to several years.

We had first met in elementary school. He claims that he doesn't remember me, but with a name like Sly (not sylvester)I couldn't forget him. After graduating from the same parochial school we ended up at the same h.s for reasons unknown. That year (1995) I remember walking onto my school's campus and having him tell me that this was where he was going to go. I thought "oh great I will be with this kid for another 4 years of my life." As we went through high school we ended up having the same friends, we hung out in the same locker area. Then, things started to change. He was dating random girls and I found myself getting jealous. He had gotten so cute and I wanted to be one of the girls that he dated. But I never did, and then the unthinkable happened... I hooked him up with the girl he dated for the majority of the time we had in H.S. During the end of our sophmore year of High School I introduced him to my friend Jessica. Though he knew who she was he wasn't aware of her feelings for him. Needless to say they started dating because of me. I felt like an idiot because I set up the boy that I like with my friend but I wasn't going to tell him that.

As they dated he and I got closer. Then one day while listening to an Usher song he told me that he had feelings for me. Remember the song "You make me wanna" by Usher and he would say that, that song was us totally.
He said that the second verse was exactly how he felt.

(Verse2)

Now what's bad Is you’re the one that hooked us up Knowing it should've been you
What's sad is I love her but I'm falling for you
What should I do should I Tell my baby bye-bye
Should I? Do exactly what I feel inside
Cause I… I don't wanna go
Don't need to stay
But I really need to get it together

(Chorus)
You make me wanna leave the one I'm with (oh baby)
Start a new relationship with you
This is what you do Think about her and the things that come along with
You make me
You make me wanna leave the one I'm with (oh baby)
Start a new relationship with you
This is what you do
Think about her and the things that come along with
You make me
You make me

Needless to say they broke up and we dated. Actually he was my prom date and she was left High and DRY.. Yes I know I am a bad friend I'm sorry... I was trying to move on but I couldn't because I wanted to be with him like crazy. Though our relationship didn't last as long as I thought it was going to I loved him (he was too much of a mama's boy, homeboy had the audacity to tell me that if we were to ever get married his mother would live with us in the same house.. yeah people... I was like HELL TO THE NO) He was my first love and to get an email from was a total shocker. The email wasn't anything too interesting, just a foward, but it still took me by surprise. I had to email him back and ask him what he had been up to since we last spoke. Which so happen to have been 5 years prior. (he had a habit of popping up when he thought I was with someone, and like an idiot I would go back to him because I had some odd notion that he and I belonged together.) I had to ask him how things were and to see if he was still the mama's boy that I thought he was. Needless to say his curiosity peaked and he responded.. again just the same old familiarities... about the parents and of course if I'm married or dating. He didn't go into detail but I already knew that he was dating someone. I knew that he had been with his current girl for sometime now.. but was I going to ask.. HELL NO!!

At the end of our conversation I just sat and wondered about us. I thought about what could have been and asked myself if I would've been happy being with him. Sly was cheap, an irresponsible. He was too much of a mama's boy, and he was so self absorbed. Though he was my first love and though I thought that he and I would be together forever, life has taught me a very valuable lesson, Not everything is what you think it is at first glance.

Ode to Mom

2008-01-14T11:26:00.000-08:00

My mother, the wind beneath my wings, my rock. Though she sometimes gets on my nerves I wouldn't trade her for the world. She's great. I think that's why her and I tend to butt heads as much as we do. I am her complete opposite though I look exactly like her. My mom, comes from a very large family, she is one of 12, while I am her only child. While she lived in an impoverished country like Haiti she wasn't poor, not in the monetary sense but in the fact that she was loved by her parents and siblings. While, I live in a wealthy country and though not typically middle class I am not poor but I am so loved.
I have to give props to my mom. She did so much on her own. She raised me from the day my biological father told her that I wasn't his child (long story). 10 days after I was born she became the woman she was suppose to be and strapped down her waist (as my grandmother would say) and raised her child. She came to this country when she was older so that I could have the life that she didn't get. My mom was a school teacher in Haiti. She taught at this school and made good money, but she decided she wanted a better life for her only child. We came to live in America. Life has been rough on my mom. I can see it on her face and by the way she constantly complains about her aching bones and body. She had to take menial jobs in order to put me through school. I have to give it up to my mom, she did on heck of a job raising me. While I was the only child I didn't get away with everything. I got my fair share of spanking and kneeling in the corners (total Haitian thing)

My mother did her job as a parent. I will never nor have I ever disrespected the woman. First off she'd back smack me into next Tuesday, but also she's done a lot for me. My foundation and love of God comes from her. She has taught me that I don't do things on my own, and that it comes from the love and will of God for me to do different things and to always praise him even when I feel like I'm backed up against the wall. My mom has always taught me to be a go getter, an over achiever, a top notch player when it comes to life. She has always taught me to be better than the rest. I love her for that.

I remember the day I came home and told her that I thought I was ugly. She looked at me with the most sincere face and told me that God doesn't create junk and why would I say that. She took me into her room, and had me look at myself in the mirror. My mom is a good looking woman, and she said to me " who do you look like" and I said "I look like you" and she said so how can you look like me and be ugly. She goes on to say, if you're always telling me how beautiful I am and how pretty I look, if you look like me doesn't that make you beautiful and pretty also? That was the beginning of my positive aspects on myself. Though I am not always my biggest fan I know my mother is.

My mom has always put a positive outlook on life. As the constant optimist she wants me to think that things are always going to get better, and to not dwell on the hardships along the way. She always reminds me that life is tough but to always stay humble because things do get better after they get worse. My mom is the greatest woman I know. She's suffered a lot, she's pushed through so much, yet she gives all Glory to God. She's humble, yet strong, passive yet aggressive, but through and through she's my inspiration. So with this post I dedicate it to my mother. I hope to be even half of the woman you are. You are the reason that I live.