Yeah, another FAIL

You can probably guess what happened to my postings for NaBloPoMo right? I know, I know.. EPIC FAIL

I've got nothing to say in regards to this. I guess life does take over after 30. Its not like I don't have things to blog about its that I don't have the time to blog. When I get home from work, I am so exhausted but I have things to accomplish before that night is over that by the time I'm done I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep because I know I will have to do it again the next day. 

I am definitely going to try and post more, but the everyday thing is just not working for me. 

Lets try twice or three times a week if I can pull that. 

Damn, I hate breaking promises, but this is one that is just going to have to be broken. 

BUT JUST FOR A LAUGH




Keeping it REAL

Ok, let me be honest as to the reason why there was NO post yesterday. The reason why I didn't log on, and do my daily ritual of posting on here was because, well  I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT! Just like that, plain and simple. I am not going to say that I didn't have anything to post because you already know that I am trying to participate in Blogher's NaBloPoMo, but yesterday was one of those days when I just didn't want to put anything down, and I didn't want to give you a half-assed post, so I decided that I wouldn't put up anything at all.

Now, does this mean I'll be making up the posts? EH, I don't know. Maybe one day, but today now is not that day and today is not that time so lets move on. Cool? OK!

So today wasn't a bad day. Not too long but not too short either. I find that I have been heading to work very early lately and staying there very late as well. I usually try to get out of work at a reasonable time but lately I've been there till it got dark, and I had left home when it was dark so I haven't seen sunlight in almost 4 days. Anywho, lets get on to today's prompt. Today's prompt asks Do you feel like you reveal too much of yourself on your blog? Do you think you hold back too much?"

Hmmmmm? Honestly I think I give enough information about my life that you know what's going on, but not enough where I am shelling out all my dark and dirty secrets. I use blogging as my outlet to vent when I am having issues either personally or professionally and I seek the help of other people who don't know me and give me biased advice. When I was going through a terrible moment with an ex, I came on this here blog and told the story because I felt that the audience had a better outlook on this than me and maybe, just maybe they could provide me with the advice that I needed. I look back on that and think that it was just enough information to let out an it did help me cut old boy off. 

As far as professionally I don't really say much about my job on here. I mean I believe many on here know what I do, and if you don't then scroll up and you can probably guess from what I wrote, but if you cannot then I don't know what to tell you. I guess in time you'll be able to tell or you can tell from my other posts or from previous posts. But I have mentioned what I do as a profession. 

My blog is my space to come and talk about my feelings, talk about what I am thinking, talk about things that I talk to with my friends with other people out there in the world and see if they are thinking the same way I am. I don't know for others and how they choose to use their blogs but for me its the place where I can let my hair down and just be free and not feel like I'm stifled. 

Not too much, not too little : JUST RIGHT!! 



2 for the price of 1

As promised earlier I am going to be writing two blog posts today instead of one. I need to make up for what I missed the other day. Don't be surprised that this post is long. Its going to be well because its 2 posts like I said before.

On Thursday last week the prompt on NaBloPoMo asked the question: Does blogging bring out my best or worst self?

This question is a bit hard to answer. I mean I wouldn't say that it brought out the best of me, but then again I wouldn't say that it brings out the worst in me either. I would say that blogging brings out the me that I sometimes do not know how to express in my daily life. In my blog I can say what I want about what I want and not have to fear because its my thoughts that I am putting out there. When I write on paper its because there is always a disconnect between my mind and my mouth. I always take into account people's feelings or my surroundings, but when I am writing all that doesn't matter. I can be free to express myself and there is no disconnect or room for interpretation because I give it to you the way that it should be given RAW and UNCUT!

You might say that, that is the best of me because it is the real me, but I would also argue and say that, that could also be the worst of me because the things I say are not so nice, real but not nice and I am not a mean person in the least. I believe that blogging has allowed me to tell the world how I feel about some of the things I see and some of the things that I hear, but often have no voice in speaking about because I don't want to ruffle feathers or the place and time isn't adequate for me to do so. But I do enjoy blogging and I think I'll be doing it for a while especially with all the emotions that I have running through me lately.


Now onto today's prompt: How has blogging changed my life? Tell us one thing that is different now than from before you started blogging?

Now this is a prompt that I can get down to. Well lets see. I began this blog in 2007 I think and I want to say that in that time I have changed a great deal. I have found out a lot about myself and who I want to be and what I accept and all that jazz. In the 7 years that this blog has been active or rather semi-active what I find that is different about me is that I don't waste my time with insignificant people anymore. Before when I started blogging I would always question myself about things. Question why I wasn't this or why I didn't get that or something else that wasn't significant to my growth as a woman. I would ponder and question things that would make me cry often and that was the worst place to be.

In that depressive state my self-esteem and self love had hit an all time low. I didn't know who I was and I was hoping to find it in blogging and talking to people who didn't know me and couldn't offer me biased opinions. The blogging community allowed me to open up and be free. From reading others blogs or writing my own and having people comment this allowed me to grow and change and come into terms with myself.

Now 7 years later and with many many changes I know who I am and I know where I am going and I don't have time to spend on things that aren't important. I have learned to value what I have and to not waste time on insignificant things. Blogging is a great outlet, I didn't realize this before but I do now that I am older and more truthful to myself. Blogging has been that friend that I could tell my secrets to and not have them judge me. I know I am opening up myself for the world to see and that's OK because that's the purpose of blogging.  I don't even care how many people view my blogs anymore. I used to be obsessed with page views and comments and what not but now I just do it to do it. If someone read and comments then that's great, but if no one does then I'll be ok with that too. I just like having a place to vent and let off steam every once in a while.

I know that I have a lot more growing up to do and that more changes are going to come but I no longer care for much more than I can offer. I give what I can and do with it what I please and if that doesn't please everyone else then SO WHAT.. I DON'T CARE!



See what had happened was...

This past weeks epic fail was that I didn't post up anything for Thursday, Friday or this past weekend. I would get a pass for this pas weekend because well the BF took me away to relax and get some nature in because I have been under some stress these past couple of weeks, or rather months since the passing of my step-father. In all honesty blogging was the last thing on my mind as I waited for the weekend to get here, and behold it is now Monday and I am thinking about my blog and why I didn't post anything last week and this weekend. This coming week I plan to do better.

I will put up a 2 in 1 post this evening. I will try and get in Thursday and Friday's post between today and tomorrow and just chuck Saturday and Sunday aside and do them next week. Just thought I'd keep you posted about what I was doing.

Don't judge me, but getting back into the groove of blogging is going to take some time.
Don't shoot me.


I am MYSELF when...

Well look at that. Two posts in one day, check me out!! *does the bump* 

Today's prompt on blogher is to tell when and where do I feel most like myself. This is kind of a hard question to answer. I have never been asked a question like this before and in all honesty I don't even think I can answer it with just one place. I mean I do have places where I believe I am myself, but I don't think its any specific place, or a specific time. But in the interest of completing today's blog post here goes.  When and where do I feel most like myself?? I believe that it can be a multitude of places. I actually think that I am myself most of the time, but there are places where I feel truly free to let it all hang out and not care. 
                 I love when I'm home in my room sitting on my bed reading a book. I get so engrossed in the book that I lose track of time. When I'm in bed reading I don't get hungry, I don't hear anything and I don't know anyone. My boyfriend often says that my books take more of my time than he does. There is something about a book that puts me at ease. I become so connected with what I am reading that I get upset when I finish a book and I have to leave the characters behind. Sometimes I fall in love with the male characters in the stories. When I tell my bf about the character the look on his face is priceless.  Just a hint of jealousy there.  I am most myself when I can seriously get lost in a good book, a book that just takes me to a place that I have never been. A place where my imagination is uninhibited and I am able to just live
Then there is the confines of my classroom. Though the room isn't as large as my bedroom and there are about 34 other people in there with me well 35 if you include my co-teacher,  I feel like myself when I am in front of my students at school. I feel like I am providing a way for them to get ahead. I feel like I am that vessel that carries them from the unknown to worlds that they might have not imagined (can you tell I read a lot of books with that last line) I feel like when I am in the classroom I am not putting on a show for my students. I let them know who I am and where I am from and what I have endured and they get to know the real me. I don't have to fake it for them, as I know many teacher may have to do. In the classroom its about making positive connections with my students and I cannot do that if I'm faking it. I believe in being open and honest with them, and when my door is closed they get the real me, no additives or preservatives. 

Lastly, I also feel like I am most myself when I wake up and just lay in the bed and listen to nothing but my own breathing and the snoring of my boyfriend( he sounds like a mack truck rolling down the Jersey turnpike, don't tell him I told you.) I will just lay there and ponder on things that worry me or things that I am hopeful for. It is during those quiet times of the morning where I can truly get my thoughts together and feel like I am myself. I get to talk to God and I get to hear Brooklyn wake up and I get to be ME and only ME!
                      As people we all have different times and places where we are most ourselves. Sometimes its in the company of others or many and other times its just when you fall into reading a good book when you feel most like yourself. 
              Today's prompt was really hard to complete. I don't think I've ever been asked this question before, and I still don't think I answered it correctly, but oh well.

40 Days/40 Nights

Every year I think about what I am going to give up for lent. Though I am not as religious as I once was I work on my spirituality more and more daily. I am a work in progress. 

This year I want to do something more meaningful. Something that I sincerely struggle with. I really want to take the time and grow in my relationship with God. So after some thought and if course soul searching. I came to an understand that in order for me to grow and mature spiritually I need to grow and mature physically and that requires me to no longer be lazy and procrastinate. 

In a previous post I mentioned that I suffer from procrastination (yes, it's an ailment) I always say that I am going to change but nothing ever happens. This year though I am going to really work on it. As a sacrifice and a need to be more complete I will work on no longer procrastinating. 

Laziness is also a something that I need to work on. I get into these moods where I don't want to do anything even though I know that I have to get it done. When I do try and do it, it won't be my best because I've made excuses for it and I've fallen short. In essence I've become lazy. I am really going to work on this for Lent. I need to get on my ball. 

Of course my final decision is to go meatless for 40 days as well. This is something that I usually do. Not only is giving up meat a sacrifice it's cleanse that my body needs. I am seriously out of shape and procrastination and laziness have been some of the factors that have gotten me this way. This lent I plan on really working on these things. I have to get my body right and to do that I cannot procrastinate and I cannot be lazy. 

40 days is a long time but I know I can do it. I need to do it. I have to do it. 
In Gods name I know it will be done. 

Can you hear me now? GOOD!

Day 2 of NaBloPoMo and I have to write about my blogging voice. Does my blogging voice sound like me, and if it doesn't how does it differ.

    When I first started blogging it was because I didn't have a voice, or rather I had this fear about using my voice. I didn't know how to express myself to get my feeling across and I felt that the only way to be heard and to feel like I was not going to self destruct was to start writing. As the years have gone by and I have grown and matured and I would write every now and then I find that my blog definitely sounds like me. I feel like I've given my blog the sound that I wanted it to have.When I type I feel like I'm hearing myself say the words that I am putting down on paper. My writing voice is open and unafraid and I believe that it is also shown in my writing.

 As a Libra I only have one minor problem with blogging, I have to make sure that I sound perfect on paper. I want to sound like I know what I am talking about and not come across as an idiot or a jackass. Many times I would start writing something and never publish it because I felt that it didn't sound right and I didn't want others to read it and think lesser of me. You don't even want to know how many unpublished posts I have, but this has also changed. Though I still want to have those who read my blog to understand what I'm saying and I want them to come back and read and post, I no longer care if it sounds right. I don't want to put that much emphasis in arranging punctuation and grammar and syntax. I want to be free and I want to say that I feel that I've gotten there with my blogging.

As a Libra I long and admire perfection and I will say that this is DEFINITELY true of me and this blog, but I stop myself about pining over perfection. Though, I want things to be perfect, my life isn't and neither should this blog. I want to give the raw and gritty side of me. I want to be able to tell you of what pisses me off and what makes me happy. I want to be uninhibited by the fact that you're going to read this and probably judge me for it, but then again you may not. In real life I have gotten to be this way as well. I no longer sit and wonder about if I'm being judged, life is way too short to put that much energy into something so meaningless. I am now a person who does what I want and deals with the fact that its not perfect later.


So, how is my writing voice like me? Well its clear, and honest. Its a true reflection of who I am. How does my writing differ from me? I don't think it does. I believe I'm more myself when I am blogging and writing.

Just a little bit more of me for March




Getting to KNOW me

Today's prompt for March's NaBloPoMo is 5 interesting facts about me.

I really don't think that I am that interesting. I believe I am just like another caribbean born girl walking the streets of Brooklyn. I really had to sit and think this through before I put myself out there and tell you things that I really wouldn't want you to know. Well, I don't think that there is anything that secret that I wouldn't want to share but since I want to keep with the theme for the month let me tell you 5 things about me. For the sake of keeping things in order I will write them from 5 to 1, but really there isn't any specific order.

5.  I'm Haitian and very proud.  I was born on the island and came to this country in the 80's with my mother. We moved to Brooklyn because this where many of our family members resided and I have lived here ever since. I am very proud of my island, and I am very nationalistic. Many people from the Caribbean have put us down and have made fun of my country, and have said we all do voodoo ( I surely don't) but I stand firmly behind my home. I love my island and everything that it stands for and everything that it meant to others in the Caribbean who took a look at what we were doing and said that they wanted to be like us.

4. I'm an ONLY child. While this might not be interesting to many people its very interesting to me, because my mother is one of 12, and she is the only one out of her brothers and sisters to have 1 child. When I was growing up I always wondered why I was an only child. I asked my mom for a brother, or a sister, or even a dog and I was not given anything. The closest I got was a goldfish and it died after a couple of weeks. My mom was with my step-father for many years and they never had children. He had his own and they were grown but I wanted someone closer to my own age to play with and blame things on. I grew up with my cousins so I can't really say I was alone, but I do think I missed out on having the sibling thing. I believe having one would be awesome.

3. I read YA novels. Many of my friends make fun of me because I refuse to read adult novels. They say that I am stuck in a teenage world, and while that may be true I read YA because I like it. I mean I live an adult life and I have adult troubles, but when I want to get away and just live in an alternate world I live in my YA novels.

2. I am a member of a BGLO. For personal reasons I don't think I'll reveal which organization I belong to (well maybe later), but I will tell you that I am glad I made the decision to join the one that I did. I remember growing up and watching  A Different world and telling myself that I would definitely belong to one of the orgs that I saw on the show. I didn't know then what I knew now but I can honestly say that the decision I made to join my organization is the best one. I still watch old episodes of the show and I now look for Greek letters and I really wonder where did good TV go.

1. I am a HOARDER,  wait I don't like that word, let me rephrase that. I am a COLLECTOR of things. Yes, that's more like it. before you go thinking of calling A & E I am not that bad. My apartment isn't filled with useless stuff that I will never use, but I do like to keep things. I have a hard time parting with things that I like or have fond memories of. My bf and I have had many disagreements about throwing things away. While I like to keep things for sentimental reasons he on the other hand just wants to get rid of everything. We are total opposites minimalist vs. extremist. I'm working on not keeping things for too long after they are of no use to be, but I am finding that difficult. I don't know what it is but I just can't throw things away. I mean just because its from over 20 years ago doesn't mean that its got to be thrown out.

                                     
 Damn that was harder than I thought it would be. I thought I had this in the bag but I found out the hard way that this isn't as easy as I assumed. I literally had to call my boyfriend and ask him to tell me 5 interesting things about myself.  I guess this month's topic on NaBloPoMo isn't as easy as I thought it was going to be. 


For a little something extra : 
For those of you who are familiar with BGLO's here is one of my favorite episodes from A Different World

NaBloPoMo take 2

In January I signed up for NaBloPoMo on blogher.com and though I started off quite well, this so called thing called life happened and I had to take time off from blogging. I didn't want to, but I had to, and now that its over (not life, but the tragedy of what happens in this life) I am back and I want to continue what I started. So here I am attempting again to take part in March's NaBloPoMo.

This months topic is SELF. Now, this is a topic that I can blog about. I mean who else knows me better than... well... me!

So I am taking this challenge up again and I am going to definitely try and complete the month long of posting.

                         NaBloPoMo March 2014