No babies...

I remember when I was younger and thought that I wanted to be a mother with 6 kids. I wanted to have a large family primarily because I am an only child and I always believed that it was a lonely life. I have always said that I would not want to raise a child by him/herself because I believe they would be missing out on something.

Then there was a time where I thought I didn't want to have children because of the amount of hard work and time that they would need. I remember thinking that if I don't have children maybe I can live my life as I want it, I can travel and see the world. I think I even told my mom about not wanting children, which she promptly told me was not going to happen because she was praying to God that I do have kids. I asked her ¨What if I don't want kids? What if I want to live my life without children?¨ My mother promptly told me that I was being selfish by saying that. How was I being selfish by not wanting to have children? I thought she was crazy by saying this. But I soon found out that she wasn't the only one that felt this way.

Easing on down...

After my last post I made it my duty to get things together. I decided that enough was enough and have now begun my "fitness journey" if thats what this is. This weight loss thing can be such a pain in the ass though. I don't know how people do this, not only is it hard to figure out what you want to eat, but it seems that when you want to eat right all of a sudden all you crave for is all the bad stuff.

For instance, I am a bonafide chicken lover (what person isn't) but right after I stated that I was going on this fitness journey I walk out to get some things that need from Target and as I walk by all I smell is fried chicken. Its like the devil just knows that I am on this journey and wants to tempt me with the smell of the fatty goodness. Now I am not going to fall for it, because I really need to make this change and I am determined to do so, but I must say that I almost fell for it. I just wanted to get that chicken and just devour but I said a quick silent prayer (it was needed) and took my "fitness journey" ass to target.  But I had visions I tell you visions.


Wait a minute... No seriously WEIGHT...

I am struggling here. Seriously I am really really struggling. I have had trouble with weight from since I can remember and now its even more of a problem.

While walking into work the other day it occurred to me that I am the biggest person at  my job. No, seriously I am the heaviest person on staff and that's disturbing. I was a little distraught by this revelation... No actually I was down right depressed about this revelation.  Now I usually don't compare myself to others because I could really care less about other people, but add to the fact that I am also the only black woman on staff makes this even worse. We already know about the plight of weight when it comes to black women and I am making it worse by being the heaviest woman and person on the staff. 

I came home and really thought about what I could do to fix this issue. I have done the weight loss thing and I have lost significant amount of weight but I have gotten lazy. I just want the quick fix. I wish there was a magic pill that I could take that would take this weight away but that's not going to happen so I am going to have to make a serious change to my diet. 

The Joy... of WRITING

I'm not going to start this blog with the run down as to why I haven't written in months. Nor am I going to give a long drawn out reason as to where this blog is going, but what I am going to say is that I will definitely try harder to post more than I have.

While I know that this has been said before, I think I am more serious about it now.  No, seriously I am going to make a solid effort. One of my friends has just started his own blog about weight loss and he is so excited about it that it made me want to go back to writing.  I remember when I was where he is currently and the love and joy he got from writing on my blog. I miss that feeling, and I want that feeling back.

I remember when I started this blog, almost 7 years ago. I was working at a library and my sister-friend Kelly was writing as well. She had shared her blog with me and I had become so infatuated by it that I said I was going to start my own. I did and thats where this blog began. At first I was struggling because I didn't know what to write and had to pull ideas out my ass. Then it got to the point where there were so many things to write about because I was trying to rekindle a relationship with this guy who I thought I wanted to be with (BIG MISTAKE BY THE WAY) and I would write about that. Then things got hectic and crazy. My dating life was eh, because I was with this guy and we only lasted 4 month, thought that relationship would have been great to write about I didn't.

Yeah, another FAIL

You can probably guess what happened to my postings for NaBloPoMo right? I know, I know.. EPIC FAIL

I've got nothing to say in regards to this. I guess life does take over after 30. Its not like I don't have things to blog about its that I don't have the time to blog. When I get home from work, I am so exhausted but I have things to accomplish before that night is over that by the time I'm done I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep because I know I will have to do it again the next day. 

I am definitely going to try and post more, but the everyday thing is just not working for me. 

Lets try twice or three times a week if I can pull that. 

Damn, I hate breaking promises, but this is one that is just going to have to be broken. 

BUT JUST FOR A LAUGH




Keeping it REAL

Ok, let me be honest as to the reason why there was NO post yesterday. The reason why I didn't log on, and do my daily ritual of posting on here was because, well  I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT! Just like that, plain and simple. I am not going to say that I didn't have anything to post because you already know that I am trying to participate in Blogher's NaBloPoMo, but yesterday was one of those days when I just didn't want to put anything down, and I didn't want to give you a half-assed post, so I decided that I wouldn't put up anything at all.

Now, does this mean I'll be making up the posts? EH, I don't know. Maybe one day, but today now is not that day and today is not that time so lets move on. Cool? OK!

So today wasn't a bad day. Not too long but not too short either. I find that I have been heading to work very early lately and staying there very late as well. I usually try to get out of work at a reasonable time but lately I've been there till it got dark, and I had left home when it was dark so I haven't seen sunlight in almost 4 days. Anywho, lets get on to today's prompt. Today's prompt asks Do you feel like you reveal too much of yourself on your blog? Do you think you hold back too much?"

Hmmmmm? Honestly I think I give enough information about my life that you know what's going on, but not enough where I am shelling out all my dark and dirty secrets. I use blogging as my outlet to vent when I am having issues either personally or professionally and I seek the help of other people who don't know me and give me biased advice. When I was going through a terrible moment with an ex, I came on this here blog and told the story because I felt that the audience had a better outlook on this than me and maybe, just maybe they could provide me with the advice that I needed. I look back on that and think that it was just enough information to let out an it did help me cut old boy off. 

As far as professionally I don't really say much about my job on here. I mean I believe many on here know what I do, and if you don't then scroll up and you can probably guess from what I wrote, but if you cannot then I don't know what to tell you. I guess in time you'll be able to tell or you can tell from my other posts or from previous posts. But I have mentioned what I do as a profession. 

My blog is my space to come and talk about my feelings, talk about what I am thinking, talk about things that I talk to with my friends with other people out there in the world and see if they are thinking the same way I am. I don't know for others and how they choose to use their blogs but for me its the place where I can let my hair down and just be free and not feel like I'm stifled. 

Not too much, not too little : JUST RIGHT!! 



2 for the price of 1

As promised earlier I am going to be writing two blog posts today instead of one. I need to make up for what I missed the other day. Don't be surprised that this post is long. Its going to be well because its 2 posts like I said before.

On Thursday last week the prompt on NaBloPoMo asked the question: Does blogging bring out my best or worst self?

This question is a bit hard to answer. I mean I wouldn't say that it brought out the best of me, but then again I wouldn't say that it brings out the worst in me either. I would say that blogging brings out the me that I sometimes do not know how to express in my daily life. In my blog I can say what I want about what I want and not have to fear because its my thoughts that I am putting out there. When I write on paper its because there is always a disconnect between my mind and my mouth. I always take into account people's feelings or my surroundings, but when I am writing all that doesn't matter. I can be free to express myself and there is no disconnect or room for interpretation because I give it to you the way that it should be given RAW and UNCUT!

You might say that, that is the best of me because it is the real me, but I would also argue and say that, that could also be the worst of me because the things I say are not so nice, real but not nice and I am not a mean person in the least. I believe that blogging has allowed me to tell the world how I feel about some of the things I see and some of the things that I hear, but often have no voice in speaking about because I don't want to ruffle feathers or the place and time isn't adequate for me to do so. But I do enjoy blogging and I think I'll be doing it for a while especially with all the emotions that I have running through me lately.


Now onto today's prompt: How has blogging changed my life? Tell us one thing that is different now than from before you started blogging?

Now this is a prompt that I can get down to. Well lets see. I began this blog in 2007 I think and I want to say that in that time I have changed a great deal. I have found out a lot about myself and who I want to be and what I accept and all that jazz. In the 7 years that this blog has been active or rather semi-active what I find that is different about me is that I don't waste my time with insignificant people anymore. Before when I started blogging I would always question myself about things. Question why I wasn't this or why I didn't get that or something else that wasn't significant to my growth as a woman. I would ponder and question things that would make me cry often and that was the worst place to be.

In that depressive state my self-esteem and self love had hit an all time low. I didn't know who I was and I was hoping to find it in blogging and talking to people who didn't know me and couldn't offer me biased opinions. The blogging community allowed me to open up and be free. From reading others blogs or writing my own and having people comment this allowed me to grow and change and come into terms with myself.

Now 7 years later and with many many changes I know who I am and I know where I am going and I don't have time to spend on things that aren't important. I have learned to value what I have and to not waste time on insignificant things. Blogging is a great outlet, I didn't realize this before but I do now that I am older and more truthful to myself. Blogging has been that friend that I could tell my secrets to and not have them judge me. I know I am opening up myself for the world to see and that's OK because that's the purpose of blogging.  I don't even care how many people view my blogs anymore. I used to be obsessed with page views and comments and what not but now I just do it to do it. If someone read and comments then that's great, but if no one does then I'll be ok with that too. I just like having a place to vent and let off steam every once in a while.

I know that I have a lot more growing up to do and that more changes are going to come but I no longer care for much more than I can offer. I give what I can and do with it what I please and if that doesn't please everyone else then SO WHAT.. I DON'T CARE!



See what had happened was...

This past weeks epic fail was that I didn't post up anything for Thursday, Friday or this past weekend. I would get a pass for this pas weekend because well the BF took me away to relax and get some nature in because I have been under some stress these past couple of weeks, or rather months since the passing of my step-father. In all honesty blogging was the last thing on my mind as I waited for the weekend to get here, and behold it is now Monday and I am thinking about my blog and why I didn't post anything last week and this weekend. This coming week I plan to do better.

I will put up a 2 in 1 post this evening. I will try and get in Thursday and Friday's post between today and tomorrow and just chuck Saturday and Sunday aside and do them next week. Just thought I'd keep you posted about what I was doing.

Don't judge me, but getting back into the groove of blogging is going to take some time.
Don't shoot me.


I am MYSELF when...

Well look at that. Two posts in one day, check me out!! *does the bump* 

Today's prompt on blogher is to tell when and where do I feel most like myself. This is kind of a hard question to answer. I have never been asked a question like this before and in all honesty I don't even think I can answer it with just one place. I mean I do have places where I believe I am myself, but I don't think its any specific place, or a specific time. But in the interest of completing today's blog post here goes.  When and where do I feel most like myself?? I believe that it can be a multitude of places. I actually think that I am myself most of the time, but there are places where I feel truly free to let it all hang out and not care. 
                 I love when I'm home in my room sitting on my bed reading a book. I get so engrossed in the book that I lose track of time. When I'm in bed reading I don't get hungry, I don't hear anything and I don't know anyone. My boyfriend often says that my books take more of my time than he does. There is something about a book that puts me at ease. I become so connected with what I am reading that I get upset when I finish a book and I have to leave the characters behind. Sometimes I fall in love with the male characters in the stories. When I tell my bf about the character the look on his face is priceless.  Just a hint of jealousy there.  I am most myself when I can seriously get lost in a good book, a book that just takes me to a place that I have never been. A place where my imagination is uninhibited and I am able to just live
Then there is the confines of my classroom. Though the room isn't as large as my bedroom and there are about 34 other people in there with me well 35 if you include my co-teacher,  I feel like myself when I am in front of my students at school. I feel like I am providing a way for them to get ahead. I feel like I am that vessel that carries them from the unknown to worlds that they might have not imagined (can you tell I read a lot of books with that last line) I feel like when I am in the classroom I am not putting on a show for my students. I let them know who I am and where I am from and what I have endured and they get to know the real me. I don't have to fake it for them, as I know many teacher may have to do. In the classroom its about making positive connections with my students and I cannot do that if I'm faking it. I believe in being open and honest with them, and when my door is closed they get the real me, no additives or preservatives. 

Lastly, I also feel like I am most myself when I wake up and just lay in the bed and listen to nothing but my own breathing and the snoring of my boyfriend( he sounds like a mack truck rolling down the Jersey turnpike, don't tell him I told you.) I will just lay there and ponder on things that worry me or things that I am hopeful for. It is during those quiet times of the morning where I can truly get my thoughts together and feel like I am myself. I get to talk to God and I get to hear Brooklyn wake up and I get to be ME and only ME!
                      As people we all have different times and places where we are most ourselves. Sometimes its in the company of others or many and other times its just when you fall into reading a good book when you feel most like yourself. 
              Today's prompt was really hard to complete. I don't think I've ever been asked this question before, and I still don't think I answered it correctly, but oh well.

40 Days/40 Nights

Every year I think about what I am going to give up for lent. Though I am not as religious as I once was I work on my spirituality more and more daily. I am a work in progress. 

This year I want to do something more meaningful. Something that I sincerely struggle with. I really want to take the time and grow in my relationship with God. So after some thought and if course soul searching. I came to an understand that in order for me to grow and mature spiritually I need to grow and mature physically and that requires me to no longer be lazy and procrastinate. 

In a previous post I mentioned that I suffer from procrastination (yes, it's an ailment) I always say that I am going to change but nothing ever happens. This year though I am going to really work on it. As a sacrifice and a need to be more complete I will work on no longer procrastinating. 

Laziness is also a something that I need to work on. I get into these moods where I don't want to do anything even though I know that I have to get it done. When I do try and do it, it won't be my best because I've made excuses for it and I've fallen short. In essence I've become lazy. I am really going to work on this for Lent. I need to get on my ball. 

Of course my final decision is to go meatless for 40 days as well. This is something that I usually do. Not only is giving up meat a sacrifice it's cleanse that my body needs. I am seriously out of shape and procrastination and laziness have been some of the factors that have gotten me this way. This lent I plan on really working on these things. I have to get my body right and to do that I cannot procrastinate and I cannot be lazy. 

40 days is a long time but I know I can do it. I need to do it. I have to do it. 
In Gods name I know it will be done. 

Can you hear me now? GOOD!

Day 2 of NaBloPoMo and I have to write about my blogging voice. Does my blogging voice sound like me, and if it doesn't how does it differ.

    When I first started blogging it was because I didn't have a voice, or rather I had this fear about using my voice. I didn't know how to express myself to get my feeling across and I felt that the only way to be heard and to feel like I was not going to self destruct was to start writing. As the years have gone by and I have grown and matured and I would write every now and then I find that my blog definitely sounds like me. I feel like I've given my blog the sound that I wanted it to have.When I type I feel like I'm hearing myself say the words that I am putting down on paper. My writing voice is open and unafraid and I believe that it is also shown in my writing.

 As a Libra I only have one minor problem with blogging, I have to make sure that I sound perfect on paper. I want to sound like I know what I am talking about and not come across as an idiot or a jackass. Many times I would start writing something and never publish it because I felt that it didn't sound right and I didn't want others to read it and think lesser of me. You don't even want to know how many unpublished posts I have, but this has also changed. Though I still want to have those who read my blog to understand what I'm saying and I want them to come back and read and post, I no longer care if it sounds right. I don't want to put that much emphasis in arranging punctuation and grammar and syntax. I want to be free and I want to say that I feel that I've gotten there with my blogging.

As a Libra I long and admire perfection and I will say that this is DEFINITELY true of me and this blog, but I stop myself about pining over perfection. Though, I want things to be perfect, my life isn't and neither should this blog. I want to give the raw and gritty side of me. I want to be able to tell you of what pisses me off and what makes me happy. I want to be uninhibited by the fact that you're going to read this and probably judge me for it, but then again you may not. In real life I have gotten to be this way as well. I no longer sit and wonder about if I'm being judged, life is way too short to put that much energy into something so meaningless. I am now a person who does what I want and deals with the fact that its not perfect later.


So, how is my writing voice like me? Well its clear, and honest. Its a true reflection of who I am. How does my writing differ from me? I don't think it does. I believe I'm more myself when I am blogging and writing.

Just a little bit more of me for March




Getting to KNOW me

Today's prompt for March's NaBloPoMo is 5 interesting facts about me.

I really don't think that I am that interesting. I believe I am just like another caribbean born girl walking the streets of Brooklyn. I really had to sit and think this through before I put myself out there and tell you things that I really wouldn't want you to know. Well, I don't think that there is anything that secret that I wouldn't want to share but since I want to keep with the theme for the month let me tell you 5 things about me. For the sake of keeping things in order I will write them from 5 to 1, but really there isn't any specific order.

5.  I'm Haitian and very proud.  I was born on the island and came to this country in the 80's with my mother. We moved to Brooklyn because this where many of our family members resided and I have lived here ever since. I am very proud of my island, and I am very nationalistic. Many people from the Caribbean have put us down and have made fun of my country, and have said we all do voodoo ( I surely don't) but I stand firmly behind my home. I love my island and everything that it stands for and everything that it meant to others in the Caribbean who took a look at what we were doing and said that they wanted to be like us.

4. I'm an ONLY child. While this might not be interesting to many people its very interesting to me, because my mother is one of 12, and she is the only one out of her brothers and sisters to have 1 child. When I was growing up I always wondered why I was an only child. I asked my mom for a brother, or a sister, or even a dog and I was not given anything. The closest I got was a goldfish and it died after a couple of weeks. My mom was with my step-father for many years and they never had children. He had his own and they were grown but I wanted someone closer to my own age to play with and blame things on. I grew up with my cousins so I can't really say I was alone, but I do think I missed out on having the sibling thing. I believe having one would be awesome.

3. I read YA novels. Many of my friends make fun of me because I refuse to read adult novels. They say that I am stuck in a teenage world, and while that may be true I read YA because I like it. I mean I live an adult life and I have adult troubles, but when I want to get away and just live in an alternate world I live in my YA novels.

2. I am a member of a BGLO. For personal reasons I don't think I'll reveal which organization I belong to (well maybe later), but I will tell you that I am glad I made the decision to join the one that I did. I remember growing up and watching  A Different world and telling myself that I would definitely belong to one of the orgs that I saw on the show. I didn't know then what I knew now but I can honestly say that the decision I made to join my organization is the best one. I still watch old episodes of the show and I now look for Greek letters and I really wonder where did good TV go.

1. I am a HOARDER,  wait I don't like that word, let me rephrase that. I am a COLLECTOR of things. Yes, that's more like it. before you go thinking of calling A & E I am not that bad. My apartment isn't filled with useless stuff that I will never use, but I do like to keep things. I have a hard time parting with things that I like or have fond memories of. My bf and I have had many disagreements about throwing things away. While I like to keep things for sentimental reasons he on the other hand just wants to get rid of everything. We are total opposites minimalist vs. extremist. I'm working on not keeping things for too long after they are of no use to be, but I am finding that difficult. I don't know what it is but I just can't throw things away. I mean just because its from over 20 years ago doesn't mean that its got to be thrown out.

                                     
 Damn that was harder than I thought it would be. I thought I had this in the bag but I found out the hard way that this isn't as easy as I assumed. I literally had to call my boyfriend and ask him to tell me 5 interesting things about myself.  I guess this month's topic on NaBloPoMo isn't as easy as I thought it was going to be. 


For a little something extra : 
For those of you who are familiar with BGLO's here is one of my favorite episodes from A Different World

NaBloPoMo take 2

In January I signed up for NaBloPoMo on blogher.com and though I started off quite well, this so called thing called life happened and I had to take time off from blogging. I didn't want to, but I had to, and now that its over (not life, but the tragedy of what happens in this life) I am back and I want to continue what I started. So here I am attempting again to take part in March's NaBloPoMo.

This months topic is SELF. Now, this is a topic that I can blog about. I mean who else knows me better than... well... me!

So I am taking this challenge up again and I am going to definitely try and complete the month long of posting.

                         NaBloPoMo March 2014

Where have I been?

I was on a roll when I started back blogging. I had taken the time out daily to write little tid-bits here and there, but as of about a month ago my daily postings have stopped. And they have stopped with good reason. At the beginning of January my step-dad passed away and I have been dealing with his sudden passing. My mother and other family members were home when I was at work, and he had passed during the day. By the time I got home he had already gone to his resting place in the sky and I find out on Facebook (I'll get to that later.)
        My step-dad has been with my mom since I was about 6 years old. He and my mom have stayed together for the last 26yrs of my life and to be honest they weren't the best of times. When I was younger my step-dad was good to me. He was almost like a dad, and I say almost because he did some of the dad things that I wanted, but my uncle was more of a dad to me than anything. As I have gotten older the attachment to my step-dad dwindled because he wasn't the nicest person. He was mean and combative and often just an all around miserable person to live with. He made my mom go through hell and it made me have a different outlook of him as a person. I have never wished evil on him, but there were times when I questioned why my mom didn't just leave the man. I never understood how women could stay with men that they weren't happy with. I guess there was a time when she did love him, but in the last couple of years I felt the change in them, and I know she was not happy.
          I also became unhappy with him. I didn't want to be around my moms apartment anymore. I wouldn't say hello when I came in (saying hello or greeting hello upon entrance is important sign of respect in the Haitian household) I would just walk in and go to my room and not say a word. As the years have gone by this became the routine in my household. I wasn't mean to him nor did I curse at him, but the moments of talking and laughing and even eating in he same room no longer occurred. His children would come here to visit and I would have to fake the funk because I didn't want to show them that I wasn't very fond of their father. They didn't grow up with him like I have, they didn't live with him and they didn't have to endure the bickering and yelling that constantly occurred in my house between he and my mother.
      His sudden passing has been the hardest on my mother. She wasn't prepared for it in any way. When she left home that morning she was supposed to come home and he would be there, but while on lunch the aide that was in the apartment with my step-dad called and informed my mom that he wasn't feeling well and that she should rush home. Where my mother works is about an hour or an hour and twenty minutes away. By some grace of God she was able to make it home in 45 minutes, but in those 45 minutes he had already passed away. She came home to police officers and EMT workers putting the white sheet over his lifeless body. She has taken it really hard and in turn it has been hard for me. I am an only child and as an only child you really depend on your parents not only for monetary help but to be strong and supportive. Never in my life have I ever witnessed my mom become so helpless. When my uncles and aunt and grandmother passed away she was sad, but not the way she is sad over my step-dad.

In these last couple of weeks, I've been trying to find my groove again. Trying to find how to get back to doing the things that I love i.e. blogging. So here is the post...

Oh wait let me tell you how I found out about my step-dads passing. So I was at work, doing the teaching thing, normal everyday thing. So as I am getting ready to leave my bf calls and asks if I am going to head to the gym after. I say no because I need to come home and get some work done (another thing I'm currently struggling with, but that's another story) so I get on the train and take the ride from the city into Brooklyn. As I am walking from the train station I get notifications on Facebook. It got to the point where it was so annoying and disrupting my "Rick Ross" time. As I get to the corner of my block I decide to check Facebook, and that is when I see that I was tagged in a post and the post read RIP to my step-dad. I was beyond shocked. I ran into my building and ran upstairs and opened the door and asked if my step-dad passed away. My mom and bf in addition to my aunts an them thought that I had to go the bathroom (normal everyday routine) but I said NO. I wanted to know if he passed away. After they confirmed it I sat down for about 25minutes as a mute. So that's how I found out that my step-father was no longer part of the living world.

As the months continue to roll by I will definitely try to be more accountable for posting. I need to work out a schedule to do all the things that I want to do including blogging.

Be back soon with another post.

I shall NOT be moved!!

Growing up in Flatbush Brooklyn in the 90's you had your specific clique of friends. Many like you whose parents are immigrants or who are immigrants themselves hung out with those who knew of your culture and your customs. Coming from Haiti in the 80's and living in the same neighborhood in the 90's I saw how many of the kids grow into adolescence and take their own direction in life. When I saw how many of my peers turned out I realized how glad I was to not have fallen into the same traps that they did. You may be wondering why I am writing this, and there is a reason for it too.. Trust me.

Today's prompt from NaBloPoMo asks about a time when you didn't fall into peer pressure. In all honesty I don't think I can actually recall that. I can always tell you about the times when I did. I recall because those where when I got into the most trouble, and boy did I get into trouble... man oh man those were some very terrible moments in my life, but I am scratching my head wondering if and when there was a time when I didn't fall into peer pressure.
Seriously! I cannot remember for the life of me when something occurred and I didn't go for it, or I was stopped by my conscious or my gut told me anything. I begin to wonder " Was I really that stupid?" " Did I really fall for every trap set up by my then friends?" NOOOOO!! That definitely is not it. I refuse to believe so. In all seriousness though I can't recall. 

 I know this kind of makes me sound like I was a gullible or easily persuaded teen, but I wasn't. Actually, after I got into trouble I learned to straighten up. My mother made it clear to me that if I didn't fix myself and turn things around I would find myself with a one way ticket back to Haiti. At this time I didn't know my country. I mean I left there when I was 4, what did I know.So to not have that happen I just did what I was supposed to when I was supposed to. This did come with loads of problems in itself with my "friends" but I didn't care because I knew if I messed up again American Airlines was my next stop.

I think I learned to quit following friends and do things on my own when I saw that it wasn't getting me anywhere. The people that I hung out with were getting into so much trouble in school that their parents were called in constantly. Many had dropped out or had transferred to other schools because they were not going to graduate with the cohort we started with. I finally saw what my mother had seen in the beginning. I never told her these things because I know she would have the " I TOLD YOU SO!" face on ----->

I am glad for her though. I believe that if she hadn't pulled be in and made me see certain things I would have ended up like the other kids I see in my old neighborhood. I may have fallen into some peer pressure growing up in the 90's but having a mama like mine helped me to avoid a lot of the other peer pressures that I could have also fallen into had it not been for her!

Peer Pressure... the Younger Me


Today's prompt on NaBloPoMo asks about a time when I bent to Peer Pressure. This made me think of when I was younger and how I was so easily influenced by my friends to do things that I KNEW I shouldn't have done. Things that I got into loads of trouble for. So with that said I constructed a letter to my younger self about the stupid things I have done.

Bear with me y'all!


Dear Younger Riley, specifically 15-16 year old Riley,

Yes, I am talking  to you. I must admit that I am not proud of the person you were at this time. You just don't understand how long I've wanted to write to tell you what I've been thinking. Pull up a chair and listen intently as I tell you about some of the things you... You have done! Girl, some things that you did back then, I am definitely NOT proud of. You should have not listened to your friends. Why did you fall for the trap that they set up for you? Why did you let them make you feel like that? Were you really that feeble? Come on Girl get it TOGETHER! You should have listened to your instincts and stayed away from those people. Which people? You know which people I am talking about. Those people or should I say friends! Yes, those friends who you thought were your friends (at the time.) Those ones who used to make fun of you and ask if you were too p*ssy to hang with them.

Remember that time when you ditched school to go to that hookie party? Yes, that same party where you danced your heart out and laughed  and made out with that not so cute boy who you thought was cute until the light came on and you realized that he was just EWWWW.. yeah him. all this happened and unbeknownst to you  the school had called your house and told your overly strict HAITIAN mother that you were NOT in school that day? Yeah, remember that time. Girl what were you thinking? Did you really think that she wouldn't have found out that you were out there doing what you weren't supposed to be doing? You thought you were cool right? You thought you were going to just get away with it and not get into trouble? Well honey you thought WRONG. I'm still shaking my head at that.

Its just like that time where you ditched school to go to the beach the year before with your friends. You missed your regents to go to the beach! You took one state test that afternoon and missed the second one.l When you got home you were so tired by the sun that you passed out for HOURS after. To make matters worse when your mother asked why you were so tired you LIED and said that the tests exhausted you. HA HA HA HA HA! What an idiot. (I really can't believe that I told her that, and I believed that she believed me.) Are you still wondering how your mother found out? Well, let me tell you honey. She found sand and seashells in your pocket and add to the fact that you were about 3 shades darker than when you left home that morning.

Let me tell you sweety, the teasing by your friends made you go because you didn't want to be seen as chickensh*t. Good going smart ass. For a long time your mother didn't trust you because you said one thing and you did another. As you've grown you realized that there are some things that you don't have to fall for. If your friends wanted to go, then you should have let them. You didn't have to go. You could have just gone home.

With all that said, I look back at where you've come from and I must say that I'm proud of the woman you've become. I think you've learned from your lessons and you no longer do things that are pressure from your friends. As a grown woman you've learned to stand on your own without anyone's help no matter how much they try ridicule  you when you don't want to participate.

Stay strong and stay grounded. I'm glad you no longer fall so easily to the pressures that you used to face from friends.

Sincerely,
Older, more wiser Riley


Bonafide PROCRASTINATOR

Well look at that. Day 2 of writing on this blog, looks like I'm really going to take this seriously this time.  (Crossing fingers) Well that's the hope.

To get myself back into blogging I decided to join Blogher NaBloPoMo for the month of January. The premise of this is to write everyday for the month of January. Each day has some prompts to help if you're stuck trying to find the right words to write. I am excited about this. I believe that this will help me find my groove again.

The topic of this month is pressure. This is something that I am very familiar with. With my job I am constantly under pressure to make sure that things are done well, and done in a specific amount of time. I am not only responsible for myself but I am also responsible for about 150 other people. But that's something else that I will get into another day. Friday's topic was about procrastination, and THIS is definitely something that I struggle with. When I was in school I would always leave everything till the last minute to get it done. I felt that I would work well under pressure. While this did pay off with good grades on papers, and studying for some exams it also left me sleepless. I would spend hours upon hours the day or night before doing what was assigned to me weeks before.

Fast Forward 10+ years and here I am still procrastinating. I just don't know what it is about doing things at the last minute that grabs me. I just can't seem to shake the "wait till the last minute" thing to get things done. I have even waited till the final second to get something handed in. Now don't get me wrong, this is not something I am proud of. Actually I usually get mad at myself for waiting till the last minute to finish something, but it doesn't deter me from letting it happen again. My mother would say that I am shameless about this, but eh. I wonder what causes procrastination?

Yeah that's about right.Especially the first one. I am often lazy to get things done. I will give myself several hundred reasons why I can do something later instead of getting to it right at the moment its supposed to be done.

For example, right now I am supposed to be looking over some papers to hand back tomorrow. I have about 30-40. This wouldn't take me more than about an hour, but here I am typing on this here blog because I said that I would make a conscious effort to be more productive about my blog this year.
Anything to get away from the task that I am supposed to be doing. But best believe that tonight before I go to bed I will get it done. While I'm watching some meaningless TV or looking through some video's on YouTube I will do what I have to do because I know it needs to get done.

My boyfriend has asked me a million times why I do wait till the end to do these things, and I have not been able to give him a significant answer. But in an effort to make some positive changes for 2014 I promise myself to no longer procrastinate. I am going to need help y'all. I am really going to need reminders and calendars and alarms and all that other stuff that technology has made available to me to get things done in a timely fashion.

As of tomorrow I will no longer procrastinate!




Don't call it a comeback...but thats EXACTLY what this is!

When I first started this blog oh so many years ago ( I want to say that its been 6-7 yrs) I had hoped that it would be a place where I could put down my thoughts and wishes and hopes for the world to see. I am not afraid to share and I'm not afraid to let anyone in. That being said I spent many days and weeks writing and putting myself out there and then... NOTHING. Its came to a point where writing was the farthest thing from my mind and my thoughts and updates about life took a back seat. Don't underestimate the fact that school and work and dating and everything else was hectic but what I enjoyed doing took a long and drawn out backseat to anything and everything. 

So here I am January 2014, and I'm writing again on this blog. Why? Well because, because, because I want to. I was speaking to one of my very close friends and she asked me one thing that I miss doing, the one thing that I would devote time to wholeheartedly, and this is the first thing that I could think of. I really missed blogging. I missed the time I took to write and then edit my words. I missed the feeling of talking to others who either have gone through what I went through or others who just stopped by and said that they enjoyed what I wrote. I just missed doing what I liked doing. From  youth I've enjoyed writing and I realize that I haven't been doing it as much as I would want to.

Now don't get me wrong I don't think that I'll become some famous blogger and what not I just want to put "me" down on paper, or rather the internet. My life isn't interesting like that by any means. I feel like I lead a very boring life, but I am not afraid to write about it. I am NOT shy about my life.

Well, since you're here and reading and you haven't left let me give you a quick overview of what has been going on since I last wrote something of relevancy on here.

Well first, I was with this guy for "a blink and you missed it"  small amount of time. He was a total pain in my ass, it was my first and only "interracial relationship. I thought that stepping out of my race was going to be cool and easy and we would click and we would end up having some interracial babies.. NAHH that is NOT what happened. I quickly realized that he was definitely not someone that I wanted to be with long term. Too clingy, too needy, and VERY VERY BORING.  Also during this time I left my job at the library. I had reached a point where I felt that I wasn't using my potential to make a change in this world. I wanted to do something I was proud of, something that would give me the warm tingly feeling that I thought I had when I first started working at the library, I enrolled in a Masters Degree program to become a teacher,  as I was working on this degree I was teaching at the same time.  Soon after graduating from graduate school I met this guy who  ( I wasn't even looking for ) is amazing and wonderful ,and a pain my ass, and a thorn in my side, but I love him to pieces and we have been together ever since.Its been 2yrs and we are going strong.

You're probably wondering what my plans are for this, since I have decided to come back and write and put myself "out there." Don't feel bad for thinking it, because I'm thinking about it too. To be honest I  haven't the slightest idea.

To be honest I just plan to put it all out there. I have a couple of blogging ideas but mainly its about what my friends and I are going through (I've asked if I could share some of their stories too.) Some of my friends have some amazing stories about dating and love and romance and a whole slue of other things and I have permission to put it out there for you to read and enjoy and of course comment on.

With all that said, I plan on writing as much as I can. I do want to make this something more than what is has been. So, with this first blog post of 2014 I want to wish you a great new year and happy reading.