all the IF's in the world...

I usually do not have any regrets, or should I say I really don't wonder about ex's much. I believe that once our relationship is over, and I've cried as much as I can and I have banished you to the part of my brain where you no longer exist there is no reason to wonder about you, or us, of if there could have been an us anymore because we are no longer together. Its my whole healing process mentality.

So I find it strange that this morning as I was warming up my car to take my mom to work my ex-boyfriend and his fiance walk right in front of my car and down the block to their destination. Out of NO WHERE!!!  Why today of all days.. ugh..

How do I know its his fiance well first she had a rock on her left hand, and there was an incident that occurred on New Years Eve,  but that's another story for me to tell you guys another time. Yet, there he was all talk, dark and handsome walking with his equally beautiful girl ( I don't hate on girls.. well... not all the time anyway, but she was cute) And it got me to wondering.. what if he and I had stayed together and not had the most stupid fight that ended our relationship. 

Why was I thinking this? I really don't know... wait I DO know.. I miss being in a relationship and its getting warmer and again I miss being in a relationship but, I digress. Anyway, I thought about him and I and our on again off again 5 year stint. He was no good for me, a constant liar who I knew I could never trust because the words that came out of his mouth were often tall tales that I would later find out to be tall tales. 

He and I first dated when I was 19 or was I 20... either way I was a lot younger than I am now and it was a whirl wind experience that lead to me finding out somethings that changed how I viewed what men say to me. During our dating, he was like my best friend. He would be there for me through everything and we talked about everything. He would help me with homework, and would let me go to his house when he wasn't there. His mom and sister would cook for me, and I loved being family. I thought that everything would work out and he and I would end up together in marital bliss.. but all that came to a screeching halt when he and I broke up over the most silliest of reasons,  the reason well it was about going to see his mom at the hospital because she was having TRIPLE BYPASS SURGERY. Yeah you read right.. she was having TRIPLE BYPASS SURGERY and this morrafukka didn't want to let me go and see her.. (ugh what an idiot I was not to have seen the signs)

Now at this time I didn't see the issue in wanting to see her especially since she had known me for all these years and loved me like I was her daughter.. but what I later found out was that he was dating someone else and didn't want his mom to relay this message to me so to keep me from going he got upset and then broke up with me.  Nice right?!? I cried for what seemed like an eternity. I even became one of those stalker ex-girlfriends who would call and leave msgs asking him to call me back, and saying that whatever I did I was sorry for, and that we could work it out. All to no avail. He was done with me... (again why am I thinking about the ifs?? Bare with me here) 

But, what if things had worked out.. where would we be today? If he and I had worked it out would we still be? If I had gone to see his mother anyway would she have told me? If I wasn't so gullible and naive would it had been better? If we had broken up long before we hit 5 years would I ever wonder about him again? If he had never walked by my car would I even be writing this blog?

All these If's make me think about this song from Trey Songz..  its how I feel about this situation right now.. IF?!?


NO more Ms. Nice Girl!

I think I'm finally getting help for my NICE GIRL dilemma! I have come to realize that when you're the nice girl you get shitted on more times than you can count. There is no justice for the nice girl. She isn't the one that is asked out! She isn't the one with the good looking boyfriend! Oh no..that's definitely NOT her.. Nope, she's the good looking boyfriends really good friend who so happens to be a girl. The nice girl is just that... a NICE girl. She doesn't get the title Hot Chick, or Sexy, Dimepiece, she doesn't even get the title Beautiful, none of those endearing terms that the nice girl longs for because, well because "Nice girls aren't beautiful" they are just.. well just NICE..

I have always been the nice girl. Never one to cause a raucous or to be confrontational.  I am a peace maker of sorts. I oppose anything that disrupts the zen of my surroundings. Some of my friends would tell me that being a nice girl would get me NO but I never believed them. I just thought they were crazy, so I never paid them any attention, why would anyone hate on the NICE girl.. she's too nice to be mistreated..that can never happen right? RIGHT???  I wanted to be good an nice and sweet to everyone. That was what I wanted and I decided to remain the nice girl... now that I am approaching my thirties I say EFF that! No more nice girl over here!

Nice girls never get to have any of the fun, and at this stage of my life I am all about having fun. So as I embark on a new decade I am bidding goodbye to the nice girl personae and saying hello to the BITCH!! Yes I said it.. I am going to be more of a BITCH than a nice girl.. you know why??

The bitch is the girl who has the most fun, and according to my friends and some of my family members the bitch is the one that the guys want to meet. I don't really think that is true but its up for debate, I've heard many times over that men prefer a woman whose kinda smart at the mouth, and that isn't me but It might be something that I have to look into... I might have to do an experiment or two and see if this is the case. Now you maybe asking why does she want to be a bitch, especially now??

As I see it I have spent the last 30 years of my life being the nice girl. I've always been the "GO TO" person.. Hey you need some money "GO TO.." Hey you need your papers read and corrected "GO TO..." Hey you need a car to borrow "GO TO..." you need a cell phone I know she'll do it for you if you ask just "GO TO" and most of the time, or should I say 9 times out of 10 I'd say yes to the request. I would just feel bad telling someone NO. I had some strange feeling that it would be bad karma to tell someone no when I knew that I could do it.  What I have found is that in this self-less act I've become used and abused and I've had just about enough of it. I cannot take this anymore and turning over a new leaf would suit me just fine.

Family and friends alike have taken my kindness for weakness, and at some points in my life I was weak, but not anymore. This new stage in my life has awoken something deep and hurtful in my life and I'm open to being different. I know that this is going to cause many to leave my life, and guess what.. I DON'T GIVE 2 SHITS!! (look at those cap letters.. I sound angry don't I? but actually I smiling as I type this)

I'm loving   myself more and more these days. I see my niceness as my way of coping, a defense mechanism of sorts to ensure that everyone likes me. What I realize is, not everyone is going to like me and that is Ok! If they aren't with me for the good reasons then that is on them, because I am one cool girl. I have reached my wits end with being taken advantage of. I say no more to being the "GO TO..." girl. Its not getting me anywhere but broke and upset and I can't afford to get any wrinkles on this skin, I'm only going to be 30, I have years before I have to worry about laugh lines and crows feet.

As far as being a bitch to get a man, I think I might have to do an experiment on this because I don't see it working. But hey this book says that it works. I might just have to take a closer look.

picking a side.

I was speaking to my friend today about graduation and our next steps. She has everything planned down to the last microsecond and here I am trying to figure out where I fit in. I don't know if to go left or right, up or down.. and here she is letting me know what she has done and is getting ready to do... Ugh... There are so many things to consider. Why can't I just choose 1 thing???

When she asks me about making my list and jotting things down and blah blah blah... I tell her that I am on the fence...and she promptly tells me : "choose a side cause that fence be rusty"

Damn man.. I'm stuck.. #fml
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Mmm...Mmmm...Mmmm.. Toasty

The other day a soror/friend of mine asked the guys on our list serve if they had ever been toasted by a female.. Toasting is just the politically correct term for hollering at a guy or making the first move on a guy.. you know you doing all the cat calling shit that they usually do to women when they walk the streets. The guys were all (well except for 1) said that they had never been toasted.. or hollared at!  Can I believe maybe.. but I don't think they paid attention because some guys can be kind of vapid when it comes to come ons from women..

I recently toasted a guy... My bestie and I were coming from a grueling 2-hour session at the gym and she had to buy her hubby food. While making our run she points out that there is a cute guy with locs walking by. She knows I have this love for tall, dark men with locs.. its just a turn on.. anywho I proceed to honk her horn to get his attention, and he walks to the car.. I say my hellos, tell him that I think that his locs are nice looking and then say good night and drive off.. He walks to  his car.... I think.. "hey this is my opportunity to turn the tables and holla at this guy" so I made my bestie run two red lights (Sorry) and go back to where we had met him and guess what.. he was still there.. (I knew he would be.. ok I didn't know I just guessed but it was a good one) I asked him if he was married, attached, etc.. just to get the specifics out the way.. and then I asked for the number.. had to make it quick, the light changed and we were holding up a dozen cars behind us. I got the number and said I'd call. I didn't call that night.. thought it was too quick, but I called the next afternoon. He said he was at work and would call me back. That was 3 weeks ago and no return phone call. Whatever..

I don't get it. I thought men would want to have a woman take some control, well that is NOT the case. Apparently from what the males on my list serve said men like to be the ones who are the aggressor. Yeah they like a woman to take control once in a while but they feel like a punk if the woman is continuously the one that is there taking control of the situation.. WHAT?? I thought a man would appreciate the fact that I took the initiative and took the pressure off of him because asking someone out is intense.. but I was WRONG... So what to do now? I have done the flirting thing and that was cool, and some men get the gist while others are dense, and I've done the direct approach and that was shot down too.. so what the next move?? Time to go back to the drawing board or should I try both approaches again?? Research needs to be done..

There doesn't seem to be any winning in this dating game. Just when I thought I had figured something out I find out that I was horribly wrong. This doesn't make any sense.. I need some light shed on this situation!

Get to know me

When myspace was popping back oh so long ago I used to love to do those survey's about yourself and put them up on my page. I thought it helped people to get to know me and find out what my little quirks and intricacies were..  I haven't done one in so so long.. so I guess I'll do one now.. 

So let me do the one where I tell you 20 random things about myself.. It my not be all that great, but entertain me a little. 

1. I am still afraid of the dark (#dontjudgeme) I must sleep with some kind of light on. Whether it be the TV or something else bright.. I need to some kind of illumination at night

2. I hate when people automatically assume that they know me. (YOU DON'T KNOW ME) 

3. I don't like being the butt of people's jokes.. I remember when I used to hang out with my cousins and I always ended up being the butt of their jokes.. It used to piss me off to NO end.. 

4. I am very sensitive.. I cry very easily. 

5. I don't like funerals.. I mean I really hate them.. I can't take seeing someone in a casket and knowing that they were alive a couple of days. It really hurts my heart and I cry all the time, even if I didn't know the person all that well. 

6.  I still love make-up. I don't do it as much as I used to but I still love watching youtube videos and learning about techniques that I can use when I do makeup for clients and on myself. 

7.  I miss being in a relationship. Its about to be 3 years since I've been in a relationship and I kind of miss the companionship that I get from a boyfriend. 

8. It doesn't look like it but I am shy... (roll your eyes if you want to but I am.. shoo)

9. I wish I had a sibling.. my mother never had other children and I wish that she had. If I am ever with a man that is an only child himself, I will never get to be an aunt.. (THAT SUCKS)

10. I love being a teacher.. though where I work isn't the be best place to be I love what I do and I love my students.. (those rugrats get on my nerve something fierce sometimes) 

11. I am struggling to find things to tell you about myself

12. I have 27 letters in my whole name.. first middle and last.. and this doesn't even include the hyphens. 

13.  If I came with a warning sign it would read.. HIGHLY EMOTIONAL!!! PROCEED WITH CAUTION

14. My mom is my rock, my backbone.. my biggest fan, and the biggest pain in m ass.. I love this woman to NO end but sometimes I wish she would just be quiet.. But I LOVE her to NO end. 

15. I am still finding it very difficult to tell you things about me.. why is that.. 

16. Sometimes I feel like I am not good enough to have gotten where I am. 

17. I don't speak to God like I used to and it bothers me.. but unfortunately I haven't done anything about it. I used to talk to him all the time and now I've just stopped.. I need to fix this problem.. asap

18. When I was younger I wished I was a lighter skin complexion. All my friends were lighter than I am and I wished I was their complexion.. I found that guys liked them more

19. I am not scared of turning 30 this year.

20. I used to pray that my ex-boyfriend and former love of my life would leave his current woman and come back to me.. but I realized that I don't want that drama again in my life. Once is good enough for me..

This was harder than I thought it was going to be and there were two times where I couldn't think of anything to write.. But yeah this is me.. just a little tidbit.. You got to know me.. how about you??

Hit them with the Fakey Fake

I once knew this girl who couldn't stand me to save her life, but whenever she would come by my office she would hug and kiss me like I was her best friend.. Deep down I knew she didn't care for me as a person, and to be quite honest I didn't have a care for her either but it made me laugh to see how far she would take her phony ass to show that she had genuine interest in my life. She would ask questions about my weekend and how my love life was going all the while she hated me.

I don't know why she disliked me.. and to this day I really don't care but it always made me laugh when I thought about how far she would go to say that she had no problems with me, but  what she didn't know was that I had other co-workers who used to tell me that she she said that she hated me, and blah blah blah, how I thought this about myself and what not.. .. WHATEVER.. The reason why I am bringing this  up is because of something that happened to day.

I was in my office doing something for a student, but I had a meeting with some of the other 10th grade teachers.. I was running a little late and I had to haul ass upstairs before my oompa loompa looking AP found me where I wasn't supposed to be.. I ran upstairs with a quickness when I looked at the clock and realized that I was already 10 minutes late, when I walked into the room where the 10th grade team was the conversation instantly changed. Now I am not stupid! I know when people are talking about someone that just so happens to walk into the conversation, I've done it a million times to others so I know what this was, I just know that they were talking about me. I was the only one missing from the room.. as soon as I come in and sit down the conversation changes to the topic that we were SUPPOSED to be discussing (students and literacy, and blah blah blah).  Knowing that I was the topic at hand I decided that I was just going to sit down and say nothing, lets see how uncomfortable I can make everyone feel by not saying ANYTHING at all to make matters worse and add to me suspecting that they were talking about me no one in my group looked at me. If this isn't a sign that I was the topic at hand then I don't know what else is.

I spoke to my mentor about it and he said it was in my head but I really doubt that. I know when I am being talked about.

I have to work with these people, I also have to teach with some of these people. I don't really care that they are saying about me, what bothers me is that I had no clue, I can usually tell when someone isn't too fond of me (putting it lightly).. These people were really good.. and I mean they were really good at being sneaky with their deceit.  How come I never knew this whole time that these people couldn't stand me.. I tell you treachery is at an all time high now days..

But guess what.. I am not going to stop being me.. if they like me fine, and if they don't... Well they can kiss my... (you know the rest)

Naturally born slacker

I have always been the constant procrastinator. Waiting till the last minute to do things. When I first started this blog it was because I wanted to write. I wanted to tell my stories or share my ideas.  Yeah that feeling has come and gone and this blog still remains. I have thought about taking it down and deleting it, but then where would my thoughts go? I don't have them written down anywhere else.  There are times when I just want to come on here and write, but then something happens and I can't.. (excuses) I used to be able to read others blogs and even that has become a problem.. what to do? what to do?

I don't want to take this down, and I would hate to not write and leave it hanging like its been for the last 5 months when I said I would write.. 

I tweet, I facebook, I text, I email.. but what I can't write??

This shit blows.. I have to find the time to write..

Just thought I'd share what I've been thinking.