Giving thanks

Today is the day where its ok to be a fat kid and eat to my hearts delight.. Ooh how I love Thanksgiving Day.

My family will be meeting up at my aunts house for dinner, but that's after I stop by my bestie's house for some grub as well. My aunt is going to introduce all of us to her new beau. I thank God that she's able to move on, 3.5 years ago she buried her husband, and she's opening up to someone new and I'm so happy about that for her.

Before I lose myself in helping after helping of glorious food.. I wanted to tell all of you what I am thankful for.

First and foremost I want to thank God for being a constant presence in my life.. without him there'd be no me.. My mom whose my everything. She's given me years of love and devotion.. Thank you God for giving her health and keeping her here with me.. I give thanks for my extended family who love me for me despite my insanity at times, thanks for my friends near and far who continually pray with me in all times, who are there for me through thick and thin and always giving me their ear. I give thanks for my bestie who through all our troubles and stupid fights have gotten to be better friends than anything, and for my god-son whose my little prince..

I also want to thank God for all of you who come and read this blog, I know I have my moments when I write and other moments when I don't but I want to give thanks for all of you because when I do write you leave your comments and they mean so much.. I love and appreciate all of you..

Have a wondeful and safe Thanksgiving...

Giving thank

When you care so much it hurts

Being a teacher in NY has its good moments and its bad moments. There are times when I love doing what I do and there are times when I wonder why God has put me in a place where there is so much trouble and so much pain. The kids are going through so much now a-days it makes me appreciate the love that my mother gave me.

This last week has been the toughest for me. One of my favorite students got arrested, and it broke my heart. He is such a great kid, so smart and so driven.. I wonder why he would go and do such a thing.. this makes no sense. So let me explain how I found out...

I was putting up some of my students work on the board outside of our classroom when my student (lets call him Trevor) ex-girlfriend walks over and says to me if I heard what happened? She was so distraught and was so ashamed to tell me. I said to her that I am open whenever she wants to talk to get it off her chest. She eventually told me that Trevor got arrested, for armed robbery. I looked at her dumb founded and heartbroken. She said that since Sunday he was in jail and that it doesn't look good. After the initial shock wore off I hugged her and said that we'd talk later because she was going to be late for class and so was I.

This kid just turned 17.. he was graduating in June.. he is in the top 10% of his class, how the heck could this happen?

Trevor has had a troublesome couple of years. He grew up without his dad, and about 2 years ago his mother passed away. Despite it all he's worked hard to be a good student. He did what he had to do in school. What made things look really good in his favor was that he was a Special Education kid. He was diagnosed as having "ED" Emotionally disabled, but with counseling and other services he had learned to control himself and was doing phenomenal... Not many kids within the Sp-Ed system did was he was doing... but lets continue... He was living with his brother and from what I heard, his brother wasn't taking care of him the way that he should of. He wasn't giving him the monetary support that he would need and it was getting tougher to hide the fact that he was wearing the same clothes all the time. I wondered why he wouldn't ask someone, anyone for help, but I guess its tough to ask when you're 17, and you're a boy, and you have all these other ppl looking at you, and you've got a strong sense of pride.

After class I went into the teachers bathroom and I cried. I felt like I was hit with such a hard blow, how could this have happened to him? He spoke to me, why didn't he say something. I told him that I was there whenever he needed me.. I gave him my cell number... if he needed money WHY DIDN't he ask me.. I failed this kid.. Didn't I? I had to get into contact with his brother so I went to see the social worker at my school. After trying the home and seeing if we could reach him on his cell she and and I got his brother and asked him about what happened? The brother says that he has no idea what got into Trevor, he said that the situation at hand isn't like his brother at all, and why would he do such a thing. I couldn't tell him that he was the reason that Trevor decided to rob someone, that it was because of his negligence that Trevor decided to take matters into his own hands and try to take someone for their belongings.. that it was his fault that Trevor would be facing a life that was that much harder now that he'll have a record. I couldn't say these things because in actuality it wasn't all his fault. Trevor knew what he was doing, he knew that if he did this he could get caught. He knew that there would be consequences to pay and that it woudn't look good. Though, I knew all of his I still wanted to blame Trevor's brother for not being the parent that he was supposed to be to his little brother.

I had to get to my next class, I couldn't get the situation off of my mind but I had to teach others, there were other students that I could possibly save from heading down the wrong path.

After school my social worker called me into her office she informed me that bail was set at 300K! *insert continuous blinks right here* WHAT!!! This is his first offense... he has no priors.. Its ridiculous!! What I found out was that, he was with someone who had serious priors and he is guilty by association!! He wasn't alone, the other kid that he was with had a record already and was the one with the gun and was the one who pointed the gun and tried to rob the guy but since he was there and was his accomplice he has to also pay the price!

I invest a lot of time at my job. I make it my priority to know my students and let them know that they can talk to me when they are having problems. I tell them that I'm there to be their ear when they need someone to talk to or rather have someone there who will listen.. but I find that this is also taking its toll on me..I feel drained and overwhelmed. I feel like I may need to see someone because their troubles are becoming my troubles. They tell me something and I sit there and ponder on it for days. I will ask them about what they're going through and after I hear about it, it consumes me!

I spoke to my social worker about this and she says that this is what happens when you care about your job, when you care about those who lives are in your hands.. and when you care so much it hurts. It hurts because you want the best for them and though you can't give it to them you still try!

I know I can't save all my students, I know that there will be many whose lives I can't take control of. There are many that will fall and many that will give up, but my dream, my ultimate goal is to try and save at least 1... If I can save 1 from making the most detrimental mistake of their life I will feel accomplished. I will know that I came into this and though its going to take some time to make it, its ok, I will get through to some...

as for Trevor, I don't know whats going to happen.. but I pray that he's ok!!

Its Ok

ON Fb (facebook) there are these apps that you click on to give you words of inspiration or something to make you laugh, so ON this sunday when I was out with fam, and enjoying my time I clicked on "Know it all's" fb page and she had words from God, or rather thoughts from God.. SO I clicked and this is the message that I recieved.

God wanted me to know ... that it's OK. Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK.

I'm so happy about this message. It was right on time. There are times when you wonder about things and ask if things are going to be ok. Or you ask God how will you know if things will be ok? You ask for signs and words to help you through the day, and look he answered my prayers. I needed these words to settle into my spirit. I needed something to tell me that things were going to be ok. That no matter what is placed in my way and that no matter how many tears I've shed things are going to be ok, and to just be still and trust in him, and that is exactly what I'm going to do. Because everything is OK!!