Aggressiveness


I am doing a little survey... well not really a survey, I am doing some research. Some self research, trying to see if my family members and other female friends were right? 

I am trying to see how men respond to a woman whose aggressive, the woman who approaches the man and gets them to give her his number. This might not be a feat for many of you out there, but for me its a problem. I used to say that I was shy, but I am not shy. I have a fear of rejection.. I have always had a problem talking to guys who weren't my friends.

My cousin has always told me to stop being such a punk, but I couldn't. I just could not walk up to a guy and start a conversation if I found him to be interesting and attractive, I feared that he'd tell me no and I'd end up hurt.  So what I would do is become their friend first, we talk about sports and music and cars which are all things that I like and they like, but before you know it I'm placed in the friend zone. The official homegirl spot, oh how I hate being placed in the home girl spot but that's what happens.  So I don't say anything and I leave it as such and with that I am not rejected. But, that's the problem, why should I be scared of rejection... no one is perfect. I am not going to be everyone's type and I should be able to just talk to a guy without fearing that he is going to not be interested in me, right??

WRONG!!

I am afraid, petrified even (no wait, that's a bit extreme I'm afraid.. yeah lets stick to that), and this is why I'm doing my research. I'm trying to break out of my shell and be more proactive in my relationships or rather lack there of, stop waiting for something to happen and just make it happen. So, with that I did a little experiment. While I was at my aunts surprise birthday party I decided to put my plan into action. There was a cute bartender there, dark skinned, goatee, I found him to be attractive. I decided I was going to try what I had in mind and be more aggressive and not afraid of rejection and talk to him. Though I'm still on a "I hate men" from dealing with my ex (I have a story about that too, still deciding if I want to post) thing I didn't want make a fool of myself but all in all he was decent looking even.. so I went and sparked up conversation with him trying to be flirtatious but not too overly flirtatious... I went to get a drink. Check me out in the picture above. Thats what I had on!!

So I subtly flirt with him, or rather I tried to flirt.. LOL.. my flirting game has sucked recently. I'm afraid to make an ass out myself so I rarely flirt. I give him the little coy looks and all the other things we women do to get a man's attention outside of having a flashing light that says "HEY CHOOSE ME I'M OVER HERE"



I go back a couple of times and order drinks for my other family members all the while flirting and looking interesting.  He tells me that though he is in Rockland, he is always in Brooklyn (Insert jump for joy here) I say to him, well if you're around my neighborhood give me a ring (yes I did say that, and to my surprise it came out smoother than it did in my head) He says to me, well I'd have to have a number to do that right.. and I say, yeah you would now, wouldn't you and I walk away (cabbage patch dance done in head at this moment), after that we barely spoke, and I thought I might've been a bit too rude so I say to myself, "Self, if he doesn't give you his number then thats fine, and if he does then that's even better.."  I had to gear myself up just in case I got rejected by homey.. Close to us leaving cause Rockland shuts down its parties at 2 a.m.  he walks over to me and hands me his number with his email address.. I was all to sure that he wasn't interested and that he was just going to leave without giving it to me.. but he did.. 

Well well well.. It does work.. though I wasn't outright aggressive it was still weird for me. I don't do those things, I am not the type of girl that is going to walk to any dude and spark up conversation when I'm interested, that so isn't me, but I did it. and I was proud of myself.  
::pats self on back:: 

I didn't call him immediately the next day, I waited till Tuesday to give him a ring. I didn't want to seem over zealous about him. 

So right now I'm speaking to him and he seems like a really down to earth dude...

I'll keep you posted on how things are going.. 

Hip Hip Horray for me ::does the running man, while listening to hammer don't hurt 'em"

Listen.. it is that SILENT!

Listen.... do you hear that?? 

If you're not to sure what I'm talking about lets try this again...

Listen.... did you hear that??

Its silent isn't it.. just your thoughts trying to decipher what it is that I'm trying to get you to hear or get you to catch on to..

Listen = silent.. You can't listen to anything if you're not silent now can you?

This little anagram says a lot, especially when it comes to relationships. Most of the time the arguments you have with your significant other is because neither of you or rather one of you isn't silent enough to listen to what the other is saying.

Ask yourself this question? Do you listen when you're being spoken to or do you continually ramble on without actually taking the time to be silent and listen to what is being said?

There is always this controversy b/w men and women when they speak. The woman in the relationship asking the man if he is listening to her and the woman not being silent enough to let the man get a word in. Sometimes they are just there to hear what the other has said.

While doing my daily blog reading I stopped over by Mr. Slish's page. He was talking about the new Steve Harvey book.  One of the comments on the posting talked about listening and silence. How the two are intertwined with one another yet no one uses them both at the same time to communicate. 

What I find is that more often times when one person is talking the other isn't really listening, they are just hearing what the other is saying and just replying by using pacifying words to stifle an argument or to just brush whatever is said off.  (VSB had a great blog about this a couple of days ago)

There is a difference between the two (hearing and listening), you can hear me out but are you listening (taking in and understanding)to what I am saying. To listen you have to be silent, and sometimes that's the problem. There is no silence when you're cutting me off to ramble about the topic or problem at hand. I don't want you to hear me I want you to listen and that can't be done if you're not silent for  a moment for me to get my word out.. frustrating yet its so true to what many face in their day to day relationships. From work to school to family to personal relationships, no one is silent long enough to listen. 

But, why try to communicate then if you're not willing to be quiet long enough for me to say something, and then for you to understand what it is that I've said? Most men would say that their woman doesn't listen to them because she's to busy critiquing what he's saying and not giving him a chance to speak, and the woman in turn is saying that the man isn't listening to her so why should she be silent?!?  The key to any relationship working is communication. There needs to be open lines of communication b/w you and you're other for the relationship to work, but how can that be possible one isn't giving the other the chance to be able to be heard and the communication process is one sided? Are you one of those who just talks and doesn't take the time to listen??

I can honestly say that I've fallen into that category a couple of times, not listening because I wanted to get my point across. I think many of us have had moments where we weren't silent enough to listen to what our spouse or significant other had to say, because we either didn't want to listen or we felt that what we had to say was more important to the relevancy of the conversation. 

So, again I ask, how can you communicate effectively if you're not quiet? How can you seriously hold a conversation with someone and try to resolve any issues if you're not silent enough to listen to what that person has to say. There needs to be a happy medium and I think that silence is what it is. The old saying is that "silence is golden" and I think its the truth. Many fights could have been avoided if one of the parties involved just took the time out to be silent and listen to the other had to say.  

So ladies and gentleman, the next time you and your significant other have an argument or you're about to have an argument, ask yourself this "do I really want to sit here for hours hearing this person talk in my head or do I want to take the time out to listen to what they have to say and know that after this is said and done we can move and not have to discuss this anymore?"
 

choice is yours.. I think you know which is the better choice!

Dreams


Ever wonder what your dreams mean (literally like someone tell you word for word). Wish that you could get a definite translation as to what your dream meant, because it can drive you crazy trying to decipher what it was that was done or said in the dream?

Well that's what I feel right about now. I had a dream (total cliche) the other night about a friend of mine, well I wouldn't call him a friend per say, but more of an acquaintance, a long time friend that has rekindled a friendship with me and we're on the getting to know you stage of our friendship. (BTW, my homey who I told off, but I have feelings for has yet to contact me not even a happy valentine's day, I think I hurt his feelings, but thats another story)

Ok, back to my dream! I don't actually recall the specifics of what happened before but I do remember that me and my acquaintance were in the same place at the same time... it wouldn't be too far from the truth being that he and I do have some of the same friends. So, we were hanging out and just talking about idle random things in my dream. Then before you know it, he's kissing me... its one of those kisses that you get lost in. The ones that have you all lost in it because its so real. One of those kisses... I was transfixed in the dream because I didn't expect it from him, especially because I didn't think he saw me in that light but in the dream it felt more real than anything.

I remember in one of my psychology classes reading up on dreams. The founder and creator of interpretive dreams Freud had a lot to say when it came to dreams and their meanings. Freud would say that I was having these dreams because of some unconventional desire to sleep with the man or because I had some longing for him in ways that my conscious and my subconscious were fighting but that is Freudian theory and we all know that sometimes Freud was a little sick.

But there is a part of me that wonders if Freud was right. I mean he is a good looking guy, really good looking but I didn't or I haven't seen him in that way? He's just a cool person, and because I have a dream doesn't mean that I should start checking him out now should it?

I have my own theory. Since it happened on valentines night I think its my desire to have someone close to me. Last year, for valentine's day I was with Ivory. He and I had a good valentines but we all know how that relationship ended... So, I'm deducing that I just wanted a Valentine's kiss, just wanted someone to be close to. But, then the question still remains why him? Why not be someone that I really have feelings for like my homey DJ, wouldn't it seem more logical to dream about someone that you really want to be with?

Its one of those things that make you go hmmmmmm!!!

I would tell my acquaintance that I had  dream about him but then that would put us at an awkward place and Lord knows I do not need any more awkward situations than the ones that I am in now. 

Weekend

So, its Friday,

I am excited for a fun filled 3 day weekend... So many things planned so little time..

Tonight some of my sorority sisters and I are going to go out and have fun, that is if we can find a really cool place to hang out where there won't be any idiots being stupid.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and though I don't officially have a Valentine I am going to take my mommy out for some much needed mommy and me time ::insert aww right here::

And sunday, I am finally going to go to church... I haven't been there in months.. I guess that's because my church has gotten so blah to me.. but that's another story.. Sunday afternoon I'm helping out my bestie's mom prep for her niece's wedding shower, then sunday night heading out to guesthouse with my cousins ( we haven't hung out in a while)

and monday I'm just chilling home.. got to rest after such an eventful weekend..

So with that HAPPY FRIDAY, and HAPPY Valentine's DAY!

Just a little / lotta bit pissed!



Why did I open up my big mouth again??

YEAH, that's right.. I wanted to be honest.. wanted to tell the whole truth!! Um, yeah I think I learned my lesson!

OK, here's the scoop. My ex (dated when I was 19) and I have been really cool friends, great friends even for the last year and a half. We talk, we bullshit, we hang out watch sports, all the good stuff friends do with one another, all the while I've been keeping this secret from him. The secret was that I still had some feelings for him despite my friendship with him. So I decided to take the ride from my home in Brooklyn, to his in the Bronx. Mind you this is a 2 hour subway ride.. but I sucked it up and just took the train there. First mistake!

I get to his place and we're sitting and chit chatting like normal. And then he busts out with the questions... I had told him before I got there that I had somethings to tell him.. (STUPID ME) Feeling like I'm backed into a corner I do the easiest thing to get out... I pull the "I have to go the bathroom" trick.

So we begin talking (after my faux potty break of course) and I tell him that I've been kind of jealous lately. He asks me why? I finally confess that it bothers me when he has other girls around him like that. Second mistake!

He goes on to tell me that he already knew and that he could sense it by the way I'd act when we were hanging and other girls were around. He'd go on and say that he noticed this since we first dated back in 2000. Then it was question after question, after question, I mean I didn't mind answering them, and I answered truthfully, because I promised myself that I was going to remain very truthful! I wasn't going to lie about anything at all! He asked me if I loved him.. I was afraid of that.. DAMN MAN!! I told him I was going to be truthful.. So I said YES I LOVE You.. ( THIRD MISTAKE)    BUT I am not IN LOVE WITH YOU, I don't think he heard that last part. We talk we laugh, we say we'll see what happens. That was last week.

Fast forward to today.....

HOMEY texts me and asks "how long he has to wait to get some!"

::JAW DROPS INSTANTLY::

I had to have read wrong, because I know he wasn't coming out of pocket to me like that... I know that he knows me better than to come out and say some stupid nonsense like that.. Or at least I am hoping he knew me better than that. I was taken so aback that I didn't response initially. I had to let that marinate for a while before I wrote back to him, and bet believe that I wrote back

I told him that he didn't know me if he thought that I was going to do something so stupid, I don't care how long I've known him! I told him that he cannot disrespect me like I'm some side line hoe he can talk to. 

Me: "I am not one of your groupie friends, please show me respect cause that's what I show you. And remember you would never want a guy talking to your daughter the way you are speaking to me..." " You want your daughter spoken to the way you spoke to me.. CHECK THAT SHIT!!"

He instantly retracted his statement! 

HIM: "I was just kidding, I don't want none I was just joking around with you!"

Me: "Whatever.."

He turns around and tells me to have a nice day cause he didn't mean it like that..

From that point on my day was ruined.. I mean how dare you? How the hell do you think you can come at me like that?? Did I give you the vibe that I'm some trick? Some scallywag, trick from around the way? If that's the message I sent to you, dude you are mistaken! Totally, I mean dude I care for you but don't get it twisted I will get out of my face at you! There is no reason at all for you to say that to me.. caring can change instantly I don't think he wants that!

I'm so sorry I said anything. I should've kept my big mouth SHUT! 

I'm officially PISSED!!




Black Love



I want a love thats so real that it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up!

I want a love so powerful that it had to be molded by God himself!

I want a love so deep the rivers of the Nile would seem shallow in comparison to it.

I want a love so pure that even the look of freshly fallen snow would pale in sight.

I want Black Love.

You know what Black love is?


Black love is love from someone understands and respects you

Black love is love from someone who "complements you but doesn't compliment you"

Black love is love from a man who knows you're independent but can be dependent.

Black love is love from a man who lets you be the man at times

Black love is love that knows no boundaries and has no end, its effortless!

Black love is hard and soft , its tough love, its quiet, and loud, its peaceful and violent. Its dark and its light, its...

Black love ... hmm... BLACK LOVE...

I want BLACK LOVE??

I decided

I came to a decision. I am going to talk to my friend, tell him the truth. 

I thought about it for sometime and figured that if he could put all his trust in me why can't I reciprocate the same thing right??

So I thought hey why not! Give him the benefit of the doubt and say something and hopefully it goes as planned.. and if not then you learned your lesson. 


Here goes nothing! Wish me luck!

www. LOVE.com???

A couple of my friends and I have been discussing this for a few days. Its seems like the internet is the newest way to find that love of your life that maybe around the corner

Many have gone to eharmony.com, or match.com, or even chemistry.com to find that "MR. RIGHT" that they've been in search of. I've looked at online dating and I don't think that its for me. I have enough with the crazies that I meet on the streets of NY do I have to add another medium for me to meet more crazy men! I am trying to refrain from them on a whole!! 

I remember back in the days, when AIM was the hottest thing ever. I remember girls and guys used to hook up because they found each other through chat rooms on AIM. Girls would tell guys that they'd meet up with them and have on something while in reality it would be something else, go meet up with the dude (or check him out first) and before you know it they were in a relationship

Or remember the phone chat lines where you'd call in and speak live or one on one with someone and then you'd exchange numbers at the end of the conversation, eventually meet up and then proceed with a relationship if you found it to be of interest to you. 

I remember those days, things were simple those days too, or was it because I was in my teens and there seemed to be an abundance of available men.. there always seemed to be someone interesting around for you to meet, I wonder what happened... Why are we in a state of social/intimate repression?

A friend of mine at work has found love through the world wide web. Through the power that is myspace she found and fell in love and eventually married this guy that she met on the site. At first she was a bit apprehensive about it, but after several dates and internet conversations they met up had some drinks, and then got married. Kudos to them for finding love but for me.. NOPE

I don't think that I can do that. First off there are too many creeps out there for me, secondly I don't trust that easily to believe that the guy in the picture on your page is really you! I've heard of countless encounters where the person isn't who they say they are and I am not trying to have that happen to me! NO thanks. I was set up by my bestie last year and look what happened I got IVORY and if you know the situation you know it wasn't a good one.. HE WAS CRAZY!!

For those who have tried internet dating how was you encounters? How was it for you? Would you recommend it to friends or women who are in search of that soul mate, or would you say to run for the HIGH Hills because they are just filled with insane people?

 
what do you say about internet dating?? Is it actually worth a try?


I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the TRUTH!

Why is honesty so hard for some people? Why is it so difficult for people to just tell the truth about something when asked. Is it some kind of internal mechanism that tells you not to tell the truth, to avoid it at all costs?

Or is it because Truth or Honesty go hand in hand with Trust? I guess if you can't trust someone you can't be honest with them now can you? I have been having this internal battle of telling someone I care about the truth. I need to get somethings off my chest but I'm afraid. Does that mean that I don't trust him? I don't think so, but do I trust him is the next question? I'm kind of stuck there though, I do feel like I can tell him things and be open with him, but its what I have to tell him that I'm afraid is going to get me into trouble. No its not anything life threatening or malicious but it can change the way our relationship is, and we're really good friends, great friends actually.

Why not be honest with him is what I ask myself? What do I really have to hide from him? I mean, He tells me everything, says that I am the only girl he can be truly himself with and be open with, so why not come out and just tell him the honest truth? I don't know.. its like I start to say what I am thinking and then I shut up and talk about something else. Don't I trust him enough to tell him what I need to?

What is it about being honest that makes it hard?

I know many would say its because of past relationships and what not.. but if I am trying to move on and leave that behind why should that be my crutch? Shouldn't I reciprocate the open lines of communication that he has extended to me? If I am supposed to be his friend and his confidant and all the things that entail a good relationship should I be honest and trusting of him just because he feels that way with me?

I'm stuck!

25 Random things

I got this as a tag on Facebook. My cousin thought it would be a good idea to just tell a little about yourself to people who know you, or rather they think they know you. At first I was a bit skeptical cause I've wanted to be private about my life since the new people sometimes do not know how to keep their mouth shut about my business, but I decided to go ahead and do this one anyway. I like to be tagged every once in a while because it gives me something new and interesting to talk about rather than nothing at all.. So here goes

25 Random things about me

I am not going to tag anyone cause I don't think its necessary, but if you feel like you'd want to try this then go ahead, and send me a message so I can read yours.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
(NOTE - This isn't binding - you do NOT have to do this)



1) I am still afraid of the dark. Must sleep with TV on.

2) I cannot stand ignorant people, its a disease that needs to be sifted out immediately!

3) I used to hate my dark skin when I was younger. I wanted to be light skinned cause the light skinned girls used to get all the attention cause of their complexion. (I'll blog about this later. I saw an old episode of Tyra and I'll address this later)

4) I HATE being made fun of, I don't like constant jokes being cracked on me. I may laugh at it, but believe that I'm not laughing on the inside. I try not to think anything of it but then it gets cruel and I've had enough of that, so It makes me shut down and avoid you and not like to hang with you either.

5) I cry a lot.

6) I love love love make-up (some of you or most of you already know that)

7) I battle depression heavily. I tried killing myself before, just got too chicken to do it. But I've gotten it under control. I just try to think positive thoughts, and if that doesn't work I pray and cry about it till it goes away.

8) I want to be successful in anything that I do, just haven't figured out what it is that I want to be successful at yet.

9)I work at the library and I feel like I'm losing brain cells. I don't do anything stimulating

10) God is who I fear most.

11) I am afraid of catching a disease. I run to the doctors every chance I get. I'm a hypochondriac

12) I used to draw, and was really good at it.

13) I want to get a boob job, ever see the movie the sweetest thing. 20 / 28.. that's how it is right now.. they used to be higher up! What happened???

14) I'm really really shy. I can flirt with a guy that I don't like, but when its a guy that I like I clam up and don't say anything cause I'm afraid he'll reject me.

15) I like my mommy/daughter days. We didn't do them much when I was younger. She worked 7 days a week to get me through school. Now I wish I could spend every day with my mom, she's all I have!

16) I wish I had a brother or sister.. being an only child sucks

17) I resented my biological father for a long time, he left my mom when I was born. I'm over it! We're better off without him

18) There are days when I think I'm still in love with my ex Idris.. just don't know why!

19) I am addicted to youtube... I watch makeup tutorials and everything on there..

20) I wish I could pick up and move to Italy.

21) Trying to be more private, I've learned that I need to keep my big mouth shut at times and not say anything and as I've gotten older its gotten easier. (kind of a contradiction with me doing this isn't it?)

22) I used try to make everyone like me, but now I really don't care.. you like me you like me, you don't then you don't. I could care less..

21) My favorite color is grey.. its not really a color though if you think about it, its a shade, cause its a combination of both black and white, but its my favorite

22) I have a pet turtle named Terry, he's only 6 months old. Very cute.

23) I want to bungee jump one of these days, though I'm afraid of heights? weird hunh??

24) I say stupid things when I'm nervous to lighten up the mood.

25) I used to hate my name, thought it was way too long, especially the YVES part, but its grown on me.