Giving thanks

Today is the day where its ok to be a fat kid and eat to my hearts delight.. Ooh how I love Thanksgiving Day.

My family will be meeting up at my aunts house for dinner, but that's after I stop by my bestie's house for some grub as well. My aunt is going to introduce all of us to her new beau. I thank God that she's able to move on, 3.5 years ago she buried her husband, and she's opening up to someone new and I'm so happy about that for her.

Before I lose myself in helping after helping of glorious food.. I wanted to tell all of you what I am thankful for.

First and foremost I want to thank God for being a constant presence in my life.. without him there'd be no me.. My mom whose my everything. She's given me years of love and devotion.. Thank you God for giving her health and keeping her here with me.. I give thanks for my extended family who love me for me despite my insanity at times, thanks for my friends near and far who continually pray with me in all times, who are there for me through thick and thin and always giving me their ear. I give thanks for my bestie who through all our troubles and stupid fights have gotten to be better friends than anything, and for my god-son whose my little prince..

I also want to thank God for all of you who come and read this blog, I know I have my moments when I write and other moments when I don't but I want to give thanks for all of you because when I do write you leave your comments and they mean so much.. I love and appreciate all of you..

Have a wondeful and safe Thanksgiving...

Giving thank

When you care so much it hurts

Being a teacher in NY has its good moments and its bad moments. There are times when I love doing what I do and there are times when I wonder why God has put me in a place where there is so much trouble and so much pain. The kids are going through so much now a-days it makes me appreciate the love that my mother gave me.

This last week has been the toughest for me. One of my favorite students got arrested, and it broke my heart. He is such a great kid, so smart and so driven.. I wonder why he would go and do such a thing.. this makes no sense. So let me explain how I found out...

I was putting up some of my students work on the board outside of our classroom when my student (lets call him Trevor) ex-girlfriend walks over and says to me if I heard what happened? She was so distraught and was so ashamed to tell me. I said to her that I am open whenever she wants to talk to get it off her chest. She eventually told me that Trevor got arrested, for armed robbery. I looked at her dumb founded and heartbroken. She said that since Sunday he was in jail and that it doesn't look good. After the initial shock wore off I hugged her and said that we'd talk later because she was going to be late for class and so was I.

This kid just turned 17.. he was graduating in June.. he is in the top 10% of his class, how the heck could this happen?

Trevor has had a troublesome couple of years. He grew up without his dad, and about 2 years ago his mother passed away. Despite it all he's worked hard to be a good student. He did what he had to do in school. What made things look really good in his favor was that he was a Special Education kid. He was diagnosed as having "ED" Emotionally disabled, but with counseling and other services he had learned to control himself and was doing phenomenal... Not many kids within the Sp-Ed system did was he was doing... but lets continue... He was living with his brother and from what I heard, his brother wasn't taking care of him the way that he should of. He wasn't giving him the monetary support that he would need and it was getting tougher to hide the fact that he was wearing the same clothes all the time. I wondered why he wouldn't ask someone, anyone for help, but I guess its tough to ask when you're 17, and you're a boy, and you have all these other ppl looking at you, and you've got a strong sense of pride.

After class I went into the teachers bathroom and I cried. I felt like I was hit with such a hard blow, how could this have happened to him? He spoke to me, why didn't he say something. I told him that I was there whenever he needed me.. I gave him my cell number... if he needed money WHY DIDN't he ask me.. I failed this kid.. Didn't I? I had to get into contact with his brother so I went to see the social worker at my school. After trying the home and seeing if we could reach him on his cell she and and I got his brother and asked him about what happened? The brother says that he has no idea what got into Trevor, he said that the situation at hand isn't like his brother at all, and why would he do such a thing. I couldn't tell him that he was the reason that Trevor decided to rob someone, that it was because of his negligence that Trevor decided to take matters into his own hands and try to take someone for their belongings.. that it was his fault that Trevor would be facing a life that was that much harder now that he'll have a record. I couldn't say these things because in actuality it wasn't all his fault. Trevor knew what he was doing, he knew that if he did this he could get caught. He knew that there would be consequences to pay and that it woudn't look good. Though, I knew all of his I still wanted to blame Trevor's brother for not being the parent that he was supposed to be to his little brother.

I had to get to my next class, I couldn't get the situation off of my mind but I had to teach others, there were other students that I could possibly save from heading down the wrong path.

After school my social worker called me into her office she informed me that bail was set at 300K! *insert continuous blinks right here* WHAT!!! This is his first offense... he has no priors.. Its ridiculous!! What I found out was that, he was with someone who had serious priors and he is guilty by association!! He wasn't alone, the other kid that he was with had a record already and was the one with the gun and was the one who pointed the gun and tried to rob the guy but since he was there and was his accomplice he has to also pay the price!

I invest a lot of time at my job. I make it my priority to know my students and let them know that they can talk to me when they are having problems. I tell them that I'm there to be their ear when they need someone to talk to or rather have someone there who will listen.. but I find that this is also taking its toll on me..I feel drained and overwhelmed. I feel like I may need to see someone because their troubles are becoming my troubles. They tell me something and I sit there and ponder on it for days. I will ask them about what they're going through and after I hear about it, it consumes me!

I spoke to my social worker about this and she says that this is what happens when you care about your job, when you care about those who lives are in your hands.. and when you care so much it hurts. It hurts because you want the best for them and though you can't give it to them you still try!

I know I can't save all my students, I know that there will be many whose lives I can't take control of. There are many that will fall and many that will give up, but my dream, my ultimate goal is to try and save at least 1... If I can save 1 from making the most detrimental mistake of their life I will feel accomplished. I will know that I came into this and though its going to take some time to make it, its ok, I will get through to some...

as for Trevor, I don't know whats going to happen.. but I pray that he's ok!!

Its Ok

ON Fb (facebook) there are these apps that you click on to give you words of inspiration or something to make you laugh, so ON this sunday when I was out with fam, and enjoying my time I clicked on "Know it all's" fb page and she had words from God, or rather thoughts from God.. SO I clicked and this is the message that I recieved.

God wanted me to know ... that it's OK. Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK.

I'm so happy about this message. It was right on time. There are times when you wonder about things and ask if things are going to be ok. Or you ask God how will you know if things will be ok? You ask for signs and words to help you through the day, and look he answered my prayers. I needed these words to settle into my spirit. I needed something to tell me that things were going to be ok. That no matter what is placed in my way and that no matter how many tears I've shed things are going to be ok, and to just be still and trust in him, and that is exactly what I'm going to do. Because everything is OK!!

You can't choose your family but...

The saying is that you can't choose your family but you can always choose your friends and when you do choose please choose wisely. But, what happens when you wish that you could choose your family? Or when your friends treat you, and care for you more than your family would? What happens then?

Yesterday, after a day of being grossed out by the most annoying person (see my FB status) I had a long drawn out conversation with one of my students.

One of the jobs of being an educator is that you are also a counselor to your students and you have to always be there to listen. But, moving along...I have been watching this young lady and I noticed how angry she has been. She always seems like she's at odds with everyone and yesterday after speaking to one of her friends she decided to talk to me and explain why she's been so angry.

The girl hates and I use this term just as harsh as she did.. she HATES her mother and her family members. I know many of you have this puzzled look on your face, and I know that I did also. I asked myself, "how can someone hate their mother?" How can someone just say that about the person that carried them for 10 months, its impossible. I initially thought that she meant that she was unhappy with her mother but after her explanation I found out that it wasn't an unhappiness she had with her mom, the girl had genuine hate for her mother.

Her take on this is that her mother had 3 kids by 3 different fathers knowing that these men would not be in their lives after they were born. She feels that her mother should've known better than to keep having children with men who were there for a moment instead of a lifetime. She tells me in minor details the problems she has with her mom, her main point is that her mother is selfish. "What mother would rather spend time with her girlfriends instead of her 3 children? The anger is so intense that as she's telling me why she's been the way has she has a tinge of sadness in her voice. My student harbors so much hate that it makes her seem so removed and unhappy when at this age in life she's supposed to be enjoying the moments of being a H.S. senior.

I remember my senior year, my concern at this time was graduating and prom and finding a date but this girl its finding a job so that she can buy a coat so she won't freeze when the winter months come. I want to tell her that things are going to be ok, and that she should go to college away so that she can do things for herself, but I can't. I can't give that advice to her because its not my place to tell her that. I tell her that college will be different, I say that if she plans to go away things maybe different and many of my friends have done it. But she says that she can because she wants to take care of her little brother because her mother seems not to want to do that.

How does someone's family make them more upset than their friends. I know that some friends are family. I know that sometimes when things go wrong it is a friend that comes to the rescue but I am just shocked that this is happening to such a young girl. These kids of ours have to be protected, and if its not the ones who carried them in their womb who wants to protect them, who will?

There is a fine line when it comes to teaching, and I don't want to overstep my boundaries, but I don't want to leave her hanging because she did come to me to talk. I want to help her in any way I can... but first the initial thing I know I will do is FIND THIS GIRL A JOB and a COAT!

Family, can't choose them so what to do with them?


Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Today is my 28th Birthday!!


Stay tuned for pictures and other surprise randomness that will happen today!

To do or NOT to do!! Internet Dating!!!

I remember going out on a date with a guy I met over a phone chat thing years ago ( I want to say maybe 4 or 5 years.) He and I had linked on this phone thing that my bestie had introduced me to. I was bored (yeah you know the drill) and I called and we connected and talked and we thought that it would be good to finally come together and meet up. When we met for the first time I was so disappointed.

Back in those days the first questions asked on a chat was age/and how do you look. Home boy told me was 5'10 brown skin and built. He stated that he worked out and was an avid gym goer. But the day I MET HIM.... Jesus be a video-recorder!! He didn't look like he said he looked. Homey ended up being 5'3 (shorter than I am) and he wasn't as nice as he was on the phone.. To add insult to injury he was just head and shoulders (NO NECK) then he was rude when we were walking in the street. I had no doubt that he probably wasn't interested in me, as much as I was disinterested in him, but hey no reason to be a D**k about it, but again that was some years ago...

Fastfoward to today 2009.. The internet has become THE way to find that person that you hope to be your "soul-mate," "bedroom buddy," or "bf/gf for right now!" After my last encounter with Mr. Head (thats what he will be refered to now) I became a skeptic of finding love over the net or even over the phone. I heard recently that Essence Atkins (Half and Half) got married to this man that she met off of Really?? I would've never thought that a hollywood superstar... (well a used to be hollywood superstar) would need help in finding a man, but again its 2009 and times have gotten tough on just about everyone so eh, why not here.. yet and still I'm a skeptic...

So, my friend met this guy on the internet. She didn't sign up on a dating site, she met him because he mailed her to ask about something with his admissions application. She works at a prestigous university and he was seeking admissions for his Masters and emailed to ask her about the follow up. She emailed him instantly and thats where their internet fling began.

The emails turned to a phone call, and then it went back to emails. She tells me that they'd email each other every day. She'd send him little notes through out the day just to say hello. He did the same. He spoke about them meeting up to go out on a date, and wining and dining a lot of good things being exchanged b/w the two of them.

They make plans to go out because the suspense of meeting is killing them. She says that they exchange pictures and stuff over the net (ahh the perks of technology) they like what they see and decide to meet up soon. The emails continue and what not then all of a sudden BLAM... no more emails. She says she went away because there was something that needed to be done with the family, but she still kept in contact. When she gets back to work the emails have ceased. No more phone calls either. She decides to call him, and he doesn't pick up. She sends him email and he doesn't respond. Now my friend says that she's over guys for right now. She doesn't want to deal with any right now. She's a bit heart broken because of this dude. She says she will never try to internet date again. Now I know that she doesn't mean that because she will try again, she's just going through the motions but I'm thinking... can you really find love over the net???

Still a skeptic!!

But as I am getting older! My birthday is TOMORROW, I do want to find love.. should I make that jump and at least give it an actual TRY???

All Men are Dogs!!??!!

The day old saying by a lot of women is that all men are dogs! Women scorned by cheating boyfriends or husbands are quick at the mouth with this phrase and it makes some women wonder if it is true. Are all men dogs?

Yesterday, while I was enjoying my day off (Perks of Being a NYC teacher) my bestie calls me and tells me to log on to facebook because there is something that I should see. I do so and I watch this video that was posted on her page. I instantly click share and put it on mine because the message on it is so true. In the video this young lady talks about the notion that most women think that men are dogs.

She says that we women have lists with things that a man should posses but then turn around and that same woman doesn't have what she has on her list for her definition of a good man. The video goes on and the lady says that for a woman to find herself a good man she needs to be in love with herself. Not just any kind of love, but a deep passionate love. A love that knows no limits and only then will she be able to find a man for her.

I found this video to be so inspirational, and so true. SO many women are quick to point blame and point fingers at what this man doesn't have or what this man does have and why she can't find one and the reason why she is single, but in essence she's the one that has the issues. She's the one that is lacking and that's the reason's why she can't find a good man.

SO many women need to take a good look at themselves. They need to reevaluate their lists and their criteria. Some need to understand that certain things are attainable only if they possess them. This isn't to say that many man aren't messed up, that's the last thing I'd say. What I will say is that if you're searching for Gold, I am hoping that you yourself are as good as GOLD!

Though this video is specifically directed at women I think both genders need to take a look at themselves. Both men and women need to step back and take a good long look in the mirror. (Listen to Michael Jackson "Man in the Mirror") They need to take a good look at themselves and ask themselves "The things I am asking for in a mate, do I possess these things also?" Many will say yes but in actuality the answer will be NO!

What do you think?

Something to think about Sunday!!

Love is pure and limitless, but it can't exist if there is hate! Learn to love, love to learn, and hate will have no place where you exist!

Peace and Blessings!!

Sunday Sermon!

Its been a while since I've gone to church. Ok, honestly its a little over 5 months.. Alright, let me be honest.. I haven't stepped foot into a church since Easter and we all know when that was right.. But, I do believe in God and know that he's real and understand that he longs for me to worship him in his home. Lately I've been feeling that my place of worship has lost its spunk, its zeel.. I've been feeling out of touch with the place that I've called home since I came to this country 23 years ago. I've made so many excuses as to why I haven't gone to church I tell people I will go, but I have to find a new place to worship. Then I'd stay home and do nothing (like I did today) So I've come to the conclusion that I just need to get up and go find a new church or I just need to get over my stupidity and just go back to feed my spirit.

I am born and raised Catholic, have done all the sacraments and love my faith. I've been saved because he loves me, and I love him. Many people believe that being saved requires you to change religions, but that's the furthest from the truth. Being saved means that you acknowledge who God is and understand his unfathomable presence in your life, and you make Him the CENTER of everything that you do. That's what being saved means. I just have to find my way into his SAVING GRACE.. its taking me some time to get back on my feet with that but slowly I rise up. Like Donnie McClurkin sings "A saint is just a sinner who fell down, and then got up."

I didn't make it to church today, though my church gives you many chances to go throughout the day, I just slept. When my mom got home we had a talk. We spoke about God and his presence in our lives. I told her about a weird dream I had and it came to me.. I miss going to church. I miss hearing the sermons and the readings. I miss learning and delving into my bible and finding meaning to a sometimes meaningless thing. I miss understanding new meanings to a passage that I've read a million times over. I miss how my spirit felt fed when I left my church. I miss how I would tell people how different my church was from other Catholic churches. How much fun I had and how I danced to the drums and the guitars and how the choir sounded magnificent. In all honesty I can say it I Missed going to church....

So next Sunday this sinner will definitely get up!

Can't Knock His HUSTLE

I am probably late on posting this but many have seen Jay-Z on the Oprah show this past week. I was busy at school learning and I wasn't able to watch the show... until last night. Let me first say that if you know me, you know that I am a huge, and I do mean HUGE Jay-Z fan.. loved him from the first time I heard "Can't Knock the Hustle featuring Mary" back when I was in H.S. I remember hearing that song and just vibing to the tunes. When Reasonable Doubt hit the stores I remember rushing to get the cd, and from since then I've been hooked!

Mary Sings:
I'm taking out this time
To give you a piece of my mind (cause you can't knock the hustle)
Who do you think you are
Maybe one day you'll be a star.

Seeing him on Oprah was almost unbelievable, mainly because Oprah stated openly how much she didn't like rap music or rappers. She protested against Ludacris being on her show when "Hustle and Flow" came out. She didn't want Ice-T on her show because of the way that he treated women, but here you have it, years later Mr. Shawn Carter on the set of today's most influential television personalities EVER!! Many will dispute how it came to be that Jay got on her show, man will give credit to many different reason's some may say that Jay being on Oprah can either be credited to him being married to Beyonce, or because Oprah has finally wanted to be open and hear about rap! If the latter is the case then why not want to hear about it from one of the best that ever did it, but any way you have it Brooklyn's Own was on her show.

I sat in front of my computer in awe of what was happening, most importantly I was upset that my friends that lived in the Stuy didn't call me to tell me that Jay and O were in town. I would've left everything that I was doing to see that, but it already happened and I can't cry cause I didn't get to see them.... *sniffle sniffle.* I loved how relaxed he was on the show. He was really humble and willing to talk about everything. Well almost everything, only thing that wasn't discussed was his wife Bey! We got to see a little bit of who Jay was away from the media hype. Loved how he hugged his nephew. He even made jokes on Oprah! The first half of that Oprah episode had me glued.

While they did touch upon the word "nigga" (they agreed to disagree) many things could've been discussed on the show in my opinion. They should've touched upon Oprah's dislike for rappers. How come she doesn't see the poignancy of the style of music. They could've spoken about the barriers that have been broken because of rap music. Some things were skated by and to me that should've been something that would've made a difference in the show.

Another would have been to have people who were actual Jay-Z fan's in the audience. Most of the people who were at the taping knew who Jay-Z was, but they didn't know his music. They probably couldn't recite any of his lyrics. Most were probably aware of who he is because of his famous wife but did they know of how he got there.

So many people have been touched by Jay-Z. His philanthropy alone says a great deal about who this man is and how he got to where he was. Came from nothing to something, and that is amazing. I am going to pick up the "O" magazine and read it. I hope that it contains things that weren't said on TV.

He Wants that OLD thing back!!

I always remember the line, that "you don't know what you have until its gone." I've heard it but I have never experienced it.... until now. I remember a couple of months ago reading I was reading eb the celeb's post about wanting an old thing back, but I have never thought about being with someone old (old as in we've been there before) or wanting something that I had back. That is until now (I'm still debating.)

I had lunch with an ex of mine.. and NO it wasn't Ivory, I'd shoot myself in the foot with rusty nail than have lunch with that psycho but I digress. But yes I did have lunch with an ex. He called during the early morning and said that he'd be in the neighborhood, and would want to have lunch. Under normal circumstances I'd say HELL NO, but I'm trying to be a much nicer and understanding person, also its free food that I don't have to pay for... so I said why not.

Usually ex's don't get a shot at being friends no matter what. Being friends would require that we have no feelings for one another and also that he and I stay out of the way of being in confined close quarters so that no feelings arise. I know how I get, and sometimes I have no control, ok let me be frank most time I'm the savage beast that takes over and rips the clothes off, but that's another story!

So, we meet during lunch and its like old friends shooting the shyt. We talk about his job, and mine, our family, his daughter, him going back for his masters and me writing his recommendation (I might) and just some old friends that he has seen. Then he bring up our relationship of the past.

Now its one thing to meet for lunch with your ex, but its another thing when he wants to talk about what was. I thought to myself, where the heck was this coming from, and why is he asking me that. To be quite honest I said to myself, what kind of B***H S**T is this? Seriously dude.. you want to talk about what?

You have got to be kidding.
So we continue with lunch, and we reminisce.. food was good too. Long story short I start to think about it during the ending of our lunch. How cool would it be that all this time that I thought that he was a sucker *ss sucker he was actually the guy for me? What would our grand kids say about us (yes it went there..) don't tell me that you don't think like that too.. It happens.. SHOOT!! SO, I lose all track of time because I think I have time to get back before classes start. I look at the time and finally realize what time it is, and I have to rush back into school. He drops me off and says that he'll be in touch, and its for two reasons.. one is to talk about his Masters and the second is to see when we could see each other again and see if we can make things right?

As I walk back into my classroom I think, would getting back together be a good idea?
Can I re-date someone I broke up with years ago?

Would you re-date someone because they claimed that they changed and that things are different now?

1st Change

I've been trying to get back into blogging and blog reading, but I have found with my schedule and my time I haven't been able to. This new job as an educator has totally changed my life beyond words. Add to that I haven't been able to fall asleep at a decent time so I wake up very groggy and I can't be a productive educator if I am falling asleep in my own class. But while perusing the blogosophere I am intrigued by some of the blog pages that I've seen. I figured that I wanted to change the template on my blog page. I think that will spice up my time and give me something to do to make my page more alive. I was reading Luvvie's blog about blogging and she mentioned googling blog templates so that's what I'm doing.

Stay tuned for a new blog page..



Hi my blog family! How has everyone been? Yes been away for sometime now, and I haven't had the time to come on and write or read blogs and I feel so bad about that. Got to time manage better

But be prepared! Some changes are coming!! Just look out for it!


Broken - Michael J. Jackson

As I sit here typing this blog, I am in tears. It feels as if someone from my own family has passed away. It has taken me a couple of days to get over this feeling of awe and disbelief. I feel like some part of me has been torn out and shred into peaces. I sit and look at video's of Michael and I question why he had to go? He was on the verge of coming back to redefine himself. Why will he not have the chance to do that? Why will we not get to see him do what he loved?

God why did he have to go so soon? Why did you take him from us? Lord I know your perfect will be done but I just don't understand. I guess its not for me to understand but to just accept but I am having a real hard time trying to gather the reason or rather accept this loss, I really can't gather the reason as to why.

I remember my mom telling me that as a kid the only way for me to eat was to play the song "Heal the World" I loved that song, and even still today that is one of my favorite Michael collaborations. He was an icon, a true troubadour of pop culture. He reached so many people from here and across seas that hearing him go has left a void in my heart.

Media made a mockery of who he was, they said untrue things about a man that broke the mold and made leaps and crossed bounds when many were afraid. He came up during a time of segregation and hatred for the blacks but he was accepted and revered by all those who came into contact with him. Everyone loved his music, and they loved him.

Lord again why?? I am trying to accept but I'm finding trouble getting past the question of why? Yes it is Human nature, but I'm still having trouble please help me to understand.

While many are saddened by his death, others are happy because they didn't see the beauty in who he was, many only saw the bad things that the media posted about him. They didn't see the humanitarianism that he did, they didn't see the unity that he provided, they didn't take into account the barriers he broke just by being MICHAEL JACKSON!

I was in love with Michael from the first time I saw the replay of Motown 25 in 1987. I had just come up from Haiti and they played this and I just knew that one day I would end up marrying Michael. LOL... I remember watching the Moonwalker movie and wishing I was the little girl in the movie.. I wanted Michael to come and save me. He was just so suave and cool, everything about him was so cool.. If you have never seen the movie Moonwalker now is the time to definitely see it. I loved it! I can't believe I have to say goodbye to Michael!! I just can't believe it...

There was something about this young man, you knew who he was no matter where you came from, NO matter what language you spoke just saying his name would bridge any language gap that you and another person may have.

Sadly on June 25th he was taken from us. He was only 50... he had years ahead of him.. I don't care what he looked like, I don't care how light he was, or how much plastic surgery he had, he was MICHAEL!! Michael didn't need to explain himself, he was who he was and that was it.

So as I sit here crying my eyes out because of the loss of this great person, please remember to tell your loved ones that you care for them, please don't let the minor things become major problems because tomorrow isn't promised to us. We aren't sure how the next moment will turn out.

MICHAEL J. JACKSON ~ AUGUST 29,1958- JUNE 25, 2009




Long Pause

Blogger fam please forgive me for being missing in action. I have been busy leaving one job and starting my program which will transform me into being a teacher. I haven't had much to blog about it.. things have been going kinda slow though.. only thing that has been exciting is that the Lakers won the NBA championship and that my ex boyfriend owes me $100 because we made a bet as to whom was going to win the championship.. he had his money on Lebron but I knew better..

SO here I am writing a blog on nothing to tell you that I have been doing nothing and have Nothing to blog about.. but I hope to find something new and exciting to say..

another thing is that I haven't been keeping up with those who I always read.. I'm so behind.. so much to catch up to. I am going to try and catch up this week.. hopefully it works out

But blog peeps I'll be in touch..

Love yall


New York is the worst place to meet a man

A couple of weeks (maybe about 3 or so ago) on Tyra the Millionaire Matchmaker stated that NYC was the worst place to meet a man. Though I didn't particularly watch the episode some of my friends posted the interview on a list serv and we openly discussed what she said. She states that NYC ratio of women to men is 5:1! Really!?! There is a big shock.. (insert sarcasm) This I already knew, while sitting outside on the steps of my job I take notice of how many women to men there are walking on 5th Ave. There are some very handsome men out there but if you are looking to see a whole slue of them lunch hour is the best time to catch them. But before we got to the nitty gritty of the "NYC is the worst place to meet a man" many of my friends were thinking that the millionaire matchmaker was right on the money.

Our discussion first went this way.

Friend1 : I agree, it is so hard to find a man in New York

Friend 2: Oh hell yeah, here are too many women out there and not enough guys to go around

Friend 3: I think I need to move out of New York to meet a marrying man!

Friend 4: Its not hard to meet men in New York, you guys are just way to damn picky


Then you had many of my friends that agreed with "friend 4" and said that the problem wasn't meeting the man, the problem was finding a man that suited you and a man who would want to be in a committed relationship was what was the main problem. Many of us meet men on the regular, weather it be on the train, walking to Starbucks, or Dunkin Donuts for coffee, at the gym, work, everywhere and anywhere.. we meet men in an enormous amount of places, but how many of these men are you actually interested in? How many of these men grab your attention where you think he can be boyfriend material or even husband material? Chances are that that number is slim to none. But, why is that.. why is it that we're not interested in some of the guys that we meet @ random?

On any given day you come into contact with load (yes I said loads) of men, some you find handsome, or sexy or just fuccable (pardon the harsh word) there are some you find attractive and others you wouldn't give the time of day because of something, or nothing. But all in all you meet men in this great city @ random so easily. But why is it that living in NY is so hard on women when it comes to dating? Why are the men that we would want to date seem to be non-existent. Is it because there are so many women out there that men don't want to settle down with just one? Are there so few and far in between single males in the city that we are just to sit and just be seconds to someone else man? Is it true that NYC is the worst place to find a man??

I know that in ATL there almost NO straight men so I can understand the scarcity of relationship material but seriously NYC???

Like many of my females living in this city, I've had my fair share of horrible dates and crazy boyfriends. I've met some men that I thought were boyfriend material and others that I wouldn't give a second glance at. But I don't think that this is the worst place to meet a man, I would say that it is the hardest. There are too many women in this city. SO many women here so I can see how men can be indecisive when it comes to finding one to be with but that's why you must make yourself more desirable than the others.

For those of you who live here, would you say that living in NY makes it harder to meet a man? Do you believe that NYC is the worst place to meet a man?

Let me know your experiences and your thoughts.

metro sexual does not = to gay!!

While making my trip around the office cause these are my last days in the office, my co-worker stops me and asks me a very random question.. he asks if a metro-sexual man can be deemed gay? Wth? Where did this question come from and why was he asking me? But I decided to oblige and answer; At first I was going to say yes, but then I thought no.

See, I like a well groomed man. A man who knows how to wear his clothes and not have his clothes wear him. But many men can take this the wrong way and see it as guy being undercover gay. Just cause a guy takes pleasure in keeping himself clean and proper doesn't mean that he's gay. Not by any means is he gay. I just think that he has a strong sense of self and takes pride in making sure that his shoes are clean, his clothes are well done his hair is freshly cut and that his nails do not have dirt under them. Read "How to know if you're a Metrosexual" The men that I consider metro-sexual are always well taken care of.

Here are some guys that I consider metro-sexual.

John Legend

Jude Law

David Beckham (he is so sexxxy, just damn)

Brian White ( I LOVE HIM, I'd have his babies if he and I met but that's another story)

and of course the quintessential metro-sexual male in my book, who is sometimes seen as a homosexual would have to be my homey..

Kanye West

Now that I got your attention on the subject matter you see what I am talking about when I say metro sexual males. I know some of you may not agree when it comes to Kanye but I don't think he's gay, and if he is so what the man knows how to dress. A well dressed man is like finding the right pair of shoes. When you find one you just sit and watch in awe and admiration and also its just a great thing. I love a well groomed man and these men are well groomed. Why does a man's sexuality have to be questioned when he is clean and wrinkle free? If a guy goes to get his hands manicured or gets a pedicure he's questionable. Wearing pink doesn't make you gay or questionable either ( I think a real man can wear pink and look fabulous in it) You aren't gay if you wear a pink shirt, that myth is for little boys who think girls have cooties...

See Kanye makes it look GOOD!!

Ladies don't you love when you man looks and smells good?? I know I do, I can sniff you or make a reason to walk by and smell you if you're on of the guys who splash (not bathe in) good smelling cologne. Guys don't you like to smell and look good? Does it make you gay if you are in a certain attire? Do you look at a guy suspiciously if he's doing something that you wouldn't consider manly??

Let me know your thoughts!!

Metro-sexual does not = gay!! Well in my book it doesn't

Honesty is always the best policy

I remember blogging a while back about being honest and telling what I feel and not keeping things away from anyone, cause in the end it hurts me in addition to hurting the other person. But how many of us have been completely honest to those who we claim we love? How honest are you willing to be? Would you be honest if you knew that once you told the truth you'd have that love lost?

Yesterday when I was on my way home I bumped into an old friend from H.S. We decided to catch the train to Brooklyn together. He filled me in about his brothers (He's a triplet) told me what they were up to and how many kids each had. Said that they each had a brewd of their own, he told me that the oldest of the 3 of them had 3 of his own, and the youngest (they are a minute apart) had 3 surrogate, cause his girlfriend died he kept the 3 children she had and adopted them but doesn't have any of his own biologically, when asked how many he had he promptly told me 5. No you didn't read wrong he has 5, yes 5 babies, by 2 different women.. I mean whatever is clever but wow.. that's a lot, but what threw me for a loop wasn't that he had 5 babies at 29, what caught me off guard was that he told me that his current girlfriend of 5 years does not know about his children? No, again you didn't read wrong, his current girl soon to be wife (he's considering marriage) knows nothing of his 5 (count them 5) babies.

For lack of a better word I was fcuking shocked! I was shyt faced cause I couldn't believe that he would be with a woman that long and not tell her that he was already a father (she wants babies of her own from what he says). Is that actually possible. Can you keep something like that from someone, and if so how do you keep that a secret? I asked him how come he has never told her he says that he loves her and doesn't want to hurt her? WTH?? Nope homey you don't love her... thats impossible.. there is no way on GOD'S green earth you love her.. .I don't believe him!

How can you love someone and keep something to big away from them? He says that he tries to make her life as simple as possible because she works hard and has this career and blah blah blah... (insert confused face right here cause I'm sure as heck confused about this) He says that he tries his best to keep her away from his family, cause if she is around them they would tell her.. UGH YEAH! Cause she has every right to know. She knows he a triplet, thank God (imagine how embarrassing that would be if she ran into the other two and thought they were him.. no bueno) but she knows nothing of his 3 babies that range from 8-2! They don't live with him from what he says, his eldest lives upstate with his mom, and the other 4 live with their mom on Staten Island, while they live in Brooklyn. He tells me that if I was to ever run into them walking not to utter a word to her.. and I promptly said " My name is Joe and I don't know" I have no reason to tell her your business, but I think you should tell her, especially if she wants to give a son of her's your name and make him a junior when he'd actually be the 3rd!

How can someone keep something like this from someone they claim they love. I know I've done some not so righteous things, and told a few lies here and there, but nothing of this magnitude. I know honesty is the best policy and its better to tell the truth than to lie and then get caught in the lie. But, how to come clean about this? I Have no clue!

what to do? what to do?

Catching up

Its been a while since I've written. Been busy working and getting ready to start on a new venture in my life. Well first let me tell you about the job, my current job is about to be my old job!!

I have been accepted into the June 2009 NYC teaching fellow program!! I am excited, and also very nervous. I have been in the library system since I graduated from H.S. in 1999 and I'm making a big step into the working world were what I do doesn't only affect me but it also affects the children I will be teaching. I must say that this is the beginning of many beautiful things for me, well I hope thats what happens. I know that I am going to be teaching in the "needed" schools but I like giving back, I can relate to these kids I hope that I can make a difference... I'll keep you posted. I leave my job at the library on the 1st of June, and right now I have the "I don't wanna do anything and you can't fire me so ha attitude!" I'm working, but not working.

As for the men in my life, hmmmm its non-existent. The guys that I used to talk to have since disappeared and I'm ok with it. I am not confused nor do I wonder what happened either. Sometimes in life things happen that way and you just have to accept things as they are. That doesn't mean that I am going to be keeping myself away! No definitely not, I am open to dating and getting to know someone on a personal level and if it works out then its fine, and if not then thats ok too.. No need to over analyze (hard for me cause I think and plan a lot)

Family members are eh, sometimes they ask how I'm doing sometimes they don't and I'm fine with it. I'm about me! Making myself a better person than I was yesterday, they stopped asking for things, stopped asking for me to do things, I told them about my new venture a couple were happy a couple said nothing, not a congrats nothing... but you know something thats Ok, cause I'm happy for myself cause I worked hard for it and I made it happen..

Now only thing is to look for a school to teach in. Thats the only thing with the fellowship, they do not look for a school to place you in. You have to find it on your own, I'm on my search now.. so if any of you know of schools in the brooklyn area, that is hiring for the fall in special education please let me know...

I'll post more often, I have some office drama to tell...

Until next post.

Looking deeper and not away

My friend and sawrah has been avidly blogging, she's gotten addicted to the blogger world, and I have to admit that I have fallen in love with her blog site! The reason for this post is because she has been talking a lot about her bond with God and letting us all into the path of faith that she has been walking, and I find that my own path with God has wandered off into almost non-existence.

I am a strong believer in God, anything you ask will always have an answer that leads back to God and having him first, but as of late last year I have found that my bond with him has faltered. I know its not his fault its mine, and mine alone and I have yet to reconcile that. I haven't gone to church like I should, and I haven't been reading my bible as I used to. I do talk to him, but not as much as I used to, (God and I used to have these long talks about everything, and yes he answers back, that voice isn't your conscious telling you things its him.. listen carefully)

I went to a retreat with my mom this past sunday after spending the night partying it up with friends, needless to say I was exhausted. When I got home from the party on Sunday morning I had enough time to change my shirt and my shoes and hop on a bus to head to an all day long spiritual retreat. I was upset and tired and aggravated. I wanted to know why I was the one that always had to go and why my other cousins couldn't go? I behaved like a child and I was being a brat, I was all for losing my $40 that I paid to go on this trip. I huffed and puffed but got on the bus, I went to the retreat and I fell in love by the end of the day, exhaustion aside I was glad that I went.

Do you ever wonder how many times God is going to give a sinner like us a chance to make things right? How many time is he going to welcome us with open arms until he's tired of our saying sorry and turning around and doing something else that's so stupid? I know he's a forgiving God and loving father, but you ever wonder when he's had enough of our lame attempts of doing things right, and just failing? Or is it just me?

I witnessed a lot of great things at this retreat. I feel a stronger bond with God, I feel that I will be getting back to my ways of prayer reading. ( To really hear God speak, try writing down what you have to say to him, and see what he says back to you.. when you write down what he says and read it back to yourself, you'll be pleasantly surprised) I prayed and cried and felt good afterwards, I needed that release and I'm glad I got it. When it was time for us to leave the church grounds I felt uplifted and weightless... I know its going to take some time before I go back to going to church and reading my bible, but I know one thing is for sure.. MY GOD, OUR GOD, loves me beyond words, and I LOVE HIM through it all... and though I may fall a million and one times, I know he'll be there to receive me a million and one times.. I just have to try harder...
With easter on Sunday, I want to tell you, all of you who have strayed a bit from our father, give him a ring.. he's always there to pick up and he's always there to listen to you whenever you have a problem or just to talk, and one thing for sure, he keeps all your secrets.

Just get up! Don't stay down... GET UP!!!

Live in Love, cause GOD is LOVE!!
Have a wonderful easter!

Growing up ain't easy!

Do you ever find yourself growing away from those who've you've known for a long time? People who have known you since you could barely walk are now not the people who you want to hang with and be with anymore cause your direction isn't the same as theirs, but the sad thing is that they don't understand your personal growth and they take it as a personal stab at them and they say things that make you think that you're growing up and they're not.

Well this is my dilemma. My family and I are very very close, some of us are best friends even, but lately I feel like I'm growing apart and growing up from them and they are being very hard on me for wanting to grow up and take a new direction in my life. Should I feel bad that I'm growing away? Should I stay around them and not evolve as person and make decisions for myself?

If you know me, as in KNOW ME, KNOW ME, you know that I am the go to person in anything familial. I am the person who gives money, or gives assistance or the person to borrow things from. I am the person who goes to parent teacher meetings, who checks homework, who reads over papers and everything else because I'm the eldest. But as I am nearing my 30's I am trying to make things more about me and less about them and guess what, I'm getting shyt for it.

When I mean getting shyt for it I'm hearing that I leave my old friends for my new ones, and I dont' want to do this cause I have new people in my life, and I think I'm this and I think I'm that and blah blah blah... Its not that I think I'm anything its that I feel like I don't need to take care of GROWN PEOPLE anymore, and I have to take care of me. I want to experience life for what it is. Don't get me wrong I love my family members but I feel like I am used most of the time. When they need to borrow something who do they call? ME! when they need something done who do they call? ME. When they need a job who do they ask? ME. When they can't do anything who do they run to? ME.. its always NELLY CAN I, or NELLY CAN YOU, or NELLY I NEED, or NELLY CAN I HAVE, or NELLY DO YOU THINK YOU CAN.. and when I need something who do I call..................... NO ONE!! I do it myself...

I'm learning that I really can't count on anyone (please don't take offense some of you who read this are my really good friends and I love you but you know what I mean) I have me myself and I (after God and mom that is) and to make it I have to distance and put myself first and everything will work out, or at least I hope that is what happens.

Growing up is really tough, and sometimes the ones you love are the ones that don't understand. I hope in time they learn, and I hope that by the time their 30 they see what I meant.

Chronicles of a big girl part deux!! (2)

I love when a plus sized woman can wear clothes and grab the attention of any man that comes in her path just because she exudes confidence and poise and respects herself. I respect and appreciate a woman who isn't held down because of this societies view of larger women. I applaud my fellow women of size who know how to dress and will wear clothes that FIT them!

Remember back in the days when the cute small girls used to get all the guys because they were cute and small, and all the heavier girls were passed up on because well, they were heavy?? Yeah I remember them too... I remember the nicknames and the mean things that children say. But when does it end? This society would rather I look like a stick than have meat on my bones.

Not to take anything away from my smaller girls, I love you all not matter the size but I love when a girl of larger proportions just knows how to wear her clothes, and then I shake my head when I see a woman who is plus sized wearing things she ought not to. I want to go oops upside her head and ask her if she hadn't been through enough ridicule and torment enough. Not to say that she's not comfortable with her skin, but jesus, please know how to be a lady.

Case and point, if you're at a store and you are clothes shopping and you wear an 18, please buy the 18, not the 14! It will not fit, and having the muffin top is NOT cute.

Lane Bryant, Ashley Stewart, The Avenue, Torrid, etc are there for women who are plus sized and the clothes are cute, don't go to Express if you know you wear a 18, trying to fit the 14, it will NOT work.. please accept your size and work it. It pains me to see women who would look fabulous in clothes that fit, in clothes that DON'T fit!

I give props to all my plus sized ladies, our clothes can be as cute as the clothes of smaller women, no longer are we subjected to wearing muumuu's or anything of the sort. I am happy when I see a large woman dress appropriately and has her stuff put together. Its just wonderful.

Please take a page from this woman: wear clothes that compliment your shape and size, and remember Just cause its made in your size doesn't mean that its for you. Respect yourself and people will respect you!

I love the skin I'm in..

He's just not that into me

He's just not that into you came out a couple of years ago and I didn't get a chance to read it, and the movie came out a couple of weeks ago and I didn't get the chance to see it, that is until today

I was at the office having a great day, just relaxing cause the boss and supervisor were at their training classes, so it gave me idle time to watch the movie. I sat there at my cubicle and watched and listened and heard and paid close attention to the movie, and I realized this about the relationships and dates that I've been and went on and I've come to realize that, "They weren't that into me" and that is OK!

Case and point, I remember briefly telling that I went on a date a couple of weeks ago. DJ (as we'll call him) is a very good friend of a very good friend of mine. I met him last year and thought he was a handsome man, he was poised and intelligent and attractive, all the things that you may like about a man. I didn't ask for his number then, but something made me tell my friend that I was interested. So, she gave him my number and I got his also.

I was going to wait on him to call but I said to myself, hey self its 2009 and women are liberated and are as equal as men as per my previous post, and I said why not call him. So I did. I called him and we spoke for about 4 hours, thought that it was a good sign. Thought that this meant potential. So, my friend told me about a cheap date, so I asked him, and he agreed and we went to this museum thing near "MOMA." I was excited, thought that I made an impression that this could be great, but before I started thinking of the names of our first 4 children, and thinking about the destination for our wedding and what our china patterns were going to look like I braced myself for our date. I thought that I'd just take it one step at a time and that the date would be great and my friend would be the reason... yeah I know I got way ahead of myself, but honestly I know that I am not the only one.. am I??

Anywho, we met up after work and we went to the museum, culture right? I thought this was a mild stepping stone, something easy to start off with. Then he took me to dinner, good way to add on to our museum outing. We ended up going to this cuban restaurant and the conversation was just flowing, it seemed to be a good look, or at least that was what I was reading into it. The night ended with us parting and him saying he'd call me later and blah blah blah.

That was 3 weeks ago. I first thought that "hey he's a busy guy, and he probably has too many things on his plate" (Mistake #1) Then I got up the courage and called him myself to see how he was (Mistake #2), and then he said he'd call me back and has yet to and I made an excuse like "he probably lost my number" (Mistake #3)

According to the book ( That I got from the library and instantly checked out) He's not into me. And that is ok! What I realize is that some women (including myself) make excuses for guys and their lack of interest in us. We shouldn't have to find reason for him not calling and reason for him not asking us out. If he's not interested then thats just it, "He's not interested," period end of story, good night and have a safe trip and no amount of excuses that you make for him will have him become interested in you. Thought it might be common knowledge or unsaid knowing what I realized from reading and watching the movie that if a guy is interested, it doesn't matter what he's doing or where's going or how "busy" he is, he is going to make time for you if "he's INTO you."

I read that if a man wants to be with me he going to go out of his way to find me, even if it means hunting down our mutual friends to get to me. If he's really into me, then there is no such thing as being too "busy" to pick up a phone and dial, that if he likes me, he's going to make sure that I know, cause a phone call is more personal than an email and he'll make it his business to get to speak to me, and I mean make it his BUSINESS, cause a man will go after you if he is interested!

So, to wrap this post up I've realized this DJ isn't into me, bar keep is not into me either...and that is fine. I am not going to be everyone's cup of tea, this I know and fully can deal with. And that "busy" line is bullshyt... a man will go after something he wants "ALWAYS"

So, I continue on with my life.

What I take from this book is this, and I hope you who read this post take this too : "There is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot, or beg anyone to ask us out. We're fantastic."

That I am! Ladies and gentleman THAT I AM!!


Its been a couple of weeks, work and other things have kept me away from my blogger, and I have so much to tell..

Oh btw, if any of you are on twitter I'm on there also.. just look for Msliryc and you'll find me..

Ok, but back to what this post is supposed to be about, my update : Bartender guy and I were supposed to meet and go on a date cause he said he wanted to hang out and get to know me better, not a bad thing. I mean why not, so we set something up for Sunday ( March 9th) that morning came and I had a makeup shoot to do ( I freelance) and I went and did that and when I was coming home he calls and tells me he is leaving his office to head out to meet me.

He asked if I was just coming in from church, I said no and explained to him that I was coming from a photo shoot and that I do freelance makeup. He laughed when I said that, I asked him why and he said he'd tell me when we met up for brunch.We were trying to find a place to have our brunch, he wanted to stay in Brooklyn, so we were looking into going to a couple of spots in Fort Greene, since I'm on my NO MEAT stance right now for lent I had suggested a vegetarian spot, but he said he really wanted some kind of meat. I then narrowed it down to this French restaurant named Olea's or an italian place called Scopello's (two great places to eat if you're in Brooklyn)

Anywho, day goes by he calls and asks to reschedule for later, he had to pick mom up from Penn Station, then calls back again about an hour and a half before we have to meet and says that he needs to reschedule cause train never came in and she's still on her way and blah blah blah...

I'm dressed and ready to go, and now I'm HOME!!! RIGHT... great hunh!!

So its been about 2 weeks since our supposed date and he has gone off to France for a business trip. He called and emailed and said " Bonjour mon cherie, j'ai pensee de toi" (good morning love, I was thinking about you) which I respond "c'est vrai?" (oh yeah, I was thinking bout you too) had to throw that in there.. boost his ego a bit and show that I can speak french too..

So here I am dateless.. UGH, I guess its back to the drawing board.

I got a date

So bartender guy and I have been talking since we met at my aunts party. He's is a really cool guy. I really can't complain. Though he has his dry moments its still like ok, let me get to know you better

So here's what I found out so far,

1. The place that we threw the party for my aunt is partly owned by him
2. He just recently turned 31
3. He is separated
4. He has a 3 year old son
5. He lives in New Jersey
6. He's an only child (uh oh)
7. He's church going

I don't have a problem with the whole separated thing, nor do I have a problem with him having a son, he was married so children do result in those types of union at times so that's understandable.. the problem is that he's an only child and he's Haitian.

Now if you don't know about Haitian mothers and their son's let me be the first to tell you that, those are the hardest relationships because most mothers will think No woman is good enough for her son. They will give the woman that their son is with HELL because she feels that, she's the only one that can take care of her son. So since I am no where near that bridge its cool.
Its just a heads up

We've been in conversation, and there were moments that I was really second guessing speaking to him cause he was kind of dry. His conversation skills were sub par and it was as entertaining as watching paint dry, but I thought I'd stick it out and give it a shot since I was the one that approached him.. Just cause its a little corny doesn't mean that its all a lost, maybe he's a face to face type of guy.

So last night when I came home from another date that I had ( I'll tell you about that later) I got a voicemail message from him, he was in NY and wanted to know if I was going to be around this weekend. I told him yeah and he asked me out to brunch tomorrow after church.

So yes everyone I got's me a date! (insert happy dance)

I'll let you know how it goes, and I'll also let you know about the other date that I had last night.

Things are beginning to look up for 2009!

Chronicles of a Big Gurl

I have never been skinny, wait let me rephrase that.. I have never been thin, slim or what have you.. and when I say never I mean NEVER!! I've always been chubby, or chunky, or thick.. whatever you want to call it. But by the American standards (from a size 0-6) I've never been skinny, thin, small or what have you..

Its taken me almost 28 years to get used to the idea
that I will never be a size 2 or a size 5 for that matter, and that know matter what I'm still beautiful.

But I remember those days when kids would make fun cause I was chunkier than they were and I remember when the boys wouldn't look in my direction cause I wasn't slim and tall like my other friends and that used to bother me, but as I have grown I have learned to love my curves and my excess of things that others don't have

Being from the Caribbean most of the men who I usually come in contact with will tell you that they prefer a woman with some meat on their bones, and that may well enough be true, but most of the ones that I have met liked them small, and that wasn't where I was.

This isn't what I really wanted to write about, I need go give an update on my conversation with the bartender guy but that will come later but this post is coming after a conversation I had with my cousin and some of his friends about the big girls with the pretty faces. Now I know many of you have heard people say this to other BBW (big beautiful women) I don't know how many times I've heard people say this but it got on my nerves, the whole, "she's got a pretty face for a big girl." HUNH?? Like what the heck does that mean? Am I supposed to be ugly because I'm not of a models size? What, do I automatically get deemed grotesque cause I have a few extra pounds.. I need some explanation about this because IDK what the heck that statement is supposed to mean?

It all started on Saturday, I was hanging with my young cousin in the hall way, just catching up, I haven't seen him in a while, we were talking and then his friends came and just started to chill with us, being that I am never around any young teen aged boys I took this opportunity to sit around and listen, and many of them aren't shy to talk about anything in front of me I got a front row seat into the mind of young high school aged boys. My cousin and his friends were talking about some of the girls that are in their school, the ones they thought were cute the ones they thought were ugly, those who had bad reps because she did this and she did that.. I really couldn't believe that this was the way boys broke down girls... it still amazes me that girls and women are broken down by guys this way, but continuing on, one of them mentioned the name of this girl lets call her "tiffany." He told his boys that him and "tiff" hang out all the time, and how she's really a cool chick, and he would be afraid to date her cause she's not his typical type, to which my cousin replies, "She's cute, got a nice face... for a big girl!"
Ok, he's 17 and doesn't know better, but there are men twice is age that will say the same dumb shit.. so why not correct it now, fist rip into him and his boys about the way they talk about girls, I tell them that, that isn't cool and how would they like it if a guy did that to their sisters or cousins or what have you, they in turn tell me, "hey if a girl wants to behave in a certain way is it our fault that we treat them that way?"... I say yes though I know they're right, then I turn to my little cousin and ask him about his quote about tiffany... I ask him, "what do you mean by that?" He says to me.. "well you know, she's not skinny or slim.. she's you know.... a big girl, not extremely fat but a thick girl.. and she's got a pretty face"

I screw my face up at his statement and he asks me why all the attitude. I tell him because I heard the same story when I was "tiffany's" age. I heard boys tell me that same insult (which is supposed to be a compliment) all the time... to which his boys reply "you're different, you're sexy... (insert eye roll here) I would've hollered if we were in High School" Yeah right, here they go talking about some chick who could have been me in H.S. but they don't really want to mess with her because she's not thin like many of the other girls.

Though I know the times have changed, and being rail thin isn't in anymore, big girls, and big women still have a hard time being accepted. Many young girls are still being teased for not being skinny like the other girls, many young women are starving themselves to be like those models they see in magazine's and add to that our clothes aren't as cute as the ones they have for the smaller women (but that's another blog)

What's with the perception that thin is the only way to go??? This society is so chopped and screwed its horrible, do people not understand that the average American woman is between a size 10 to a size 12. That in the modeling industry if you're over a size 6 (which is big to them) you're considered plus sized??? Freaking insane right!!

Oh how I long for the days when the models for all the famous painters used to be women with curves, the days when the portraits were of women of high society. And all women of stature and of nobility were deemed so because they had meat on their bones. Oh for the days when the sculpture of the fertility goddess is a plus sized woman with extra cushion for the pushin! I wish!! In a semi perfect world.. LOL LOL.. skinny women I love you..

Isn't it about being healthy and not necessarily skinny. I know plenty of skinny women who are unfit and unhealthy. My friend whose is a size 4 suffers from high cholesterol and high sodium, while me a size 16 has neither. I can walk up flights of stairs and not be out of breath while she is there panting her life away.. when did being skinny equal healthy??

I've come a long way since my H.S. days, I don't have issues as much as I used to with my body image, well only the belly fat that does not want to go away despite the hundreds of crunches and ab exercises that I do, I can honestly say that I love every single dimple on the side of my thigh, love for every stretch mark on my waist, every extra pound that I have, cause they fit me well.. I have learned to own my body. Its not perfect but its mine and it makes me ME.. and you know what I'll take that title.. "Pretty Face for a BIG GIRL"

But understand I am definitely going to change the ending of that statement.. "No I do not have a pretty face for a big, girl.. I have a pretty face PERIOD!! ""

So to all my women, we come in all different shapes and sizes and we have to learn to love ourselves. Love us first. Own your body.. its yours! Its not about being skinny or about being fat its about being healthy. Its about living the best life that you have. You should be able to walk up and down the stairs without panting and losing your breath, you should be able to wear what you want and feel good about yourselves.

Love yourself, cause if you don't love you... who will???

Officially cut off!!

disclaimer: these events happened before the "aggressive" post. Just didn't know how to word this post, and post it. But since I'm over it and him both in the same instance I decided to share why he and I will NEVER be together and probably never be friends again. Totally not worth my time!

Oh btw, I am so sorry for the long drawn out conversation, had to make sure that I got everything down.

So, news from the ex... as he will be now known as D**khead! or DH for short cause he doesn't deserve the full name cause he is that much of an a-hole...

DH sends me a message on Monday saying that he got my text, mind you I didn't text the loser, and I had no intention of texting him cause he was still on my shit list.

He says that he wanted to know what was up and see how I was doing! Said I'm good and couldn't complain, my typical " I don't want to talk to you, leave me alone message" He says that he wants to talk, when can I meet up with him. I answer that I have very busy week and it might be kind of tough to pull.. (mind you this is all over text, dh didn't have the balls to call me) I was not going to go all the way out to the Bronx anyway.. that's freaking far and add to that I wasn't the one that did anything wrong, he needed to apologize to me.

So anywho, I say that I can't make it out, then he says ok, how about meeting in the city since I'm already there, I contemplate this for a minute or two and say sure, ok... he says he'll speak to me about it later on during the week. Cool, if he's trying to make amends then fine, dinner sounds like a good look. That was Monday.

Tuesday after going to meet some of my sorority sisters at an event they were holding at my old Alma Mater I get a text from DH.

Him-"What up?"

Me- "Nothing much, just leaving an event with some of my sorority sisters"

Him: " So dinner and then I can have you for dessert"

Me: "Yeah right you wish you could have me for dessert"

Him: "Seriously, when am I gonna get some? No jokes real talk!"

Me: "How about putting in some time first, get to know me.. I'm not 19 anymore. QT is first then we can discuss the latter"

Him: "Its been 8 years how much more do I need to know you?"

Me: "A whole lot more.. I'm not the same naive girl who you knew... I've grown a lot and you need to check that. I told you about that before. why can't you just chill out wait till its time.. and why are you coming at me like that... is that the impression I give off to you?"

Him: "Nah, its not that its just that I haven't had none and since you said you LOVE ME why not"

Me: "Yea, I love you.. NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.. I love you as person, but right now I don't think I like you!!"

Him: "Word, so you gonna just keep that to yourself? You're selfish like that?"

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a prude! Nothing of that sort over here, I gets it in when I'm in a committed relationship.. I am usually the aggressor but we're not even there. We just started talking about being together and this is how he gets.. Yeah he's looking to get cut!

He then says : " I deserve that, I was there since the beginning! You owe it to me!!"

WTF... hold on homey.. I owe you what?? You deserve what???? Ok, the gloves come off and I go on my long spiel of curse words. I call him and being to go into my alter ego mode. NO this m'fer didn't think that I owed him some because he was there with me during my virginal years and that he has the right to get some!

Me : "you broke up with me because I didn't want to give you my virginity! REMEMBER ASSHOLE!"

I hang up.

This is where I officially spaz (via text cause homey still hasn't called me back I didn't expect him to, and you already know that I wasn't going to call him)

There is a fine line to how much I can take from a person and he knows that. I am known as having a cool exterior and being a nice person but push me or anyone beyond their breaking point and its like "World War 3." While many of you may find what he said to be honest and to the point because where most men would be telling me what I wanted to hear and in reality it would be something else he was being up front and direct, I found it to be disrespectful no matter how honest he was and it made me analyze my "feelings" for him.

DH and I have had a long history, we met in the spring of 2000, on our college campus. He was quiet and I was the loud mouth that new everyone. Him not getting any from me made him break up with me (He'll argue tooth and nail that, that wasn't the reason but I know better) He didn't speak to me nor did I speak to him after our break-up. We spent most of our 20's not speaking because of his decision to not be with me anymore cause I was a virgin, and at the time my insecurity and his rejection made me question myself and also had the desire to be with someone who was going to like me for me and not the connections that I can get him.

When we rekindled our friendship back in 2006 I thought that we had put that behind us and just continued with the friendship, nothing about us being together and what not. Whenever he needed something done, if I could do it I'd do it. I was there as his spiritual advisor, his confidant, his counselor, his motivator, his drinking buddy, his sports friend, his home girl, his ex, (we never slept together) all the good things that friends are for one another, but then I thought that I wanted to be with him because it would irk the heck out of me when he had his female groupies come along and just be "conniving females." Or when he'd meet a chick and she'd use him and he'd be heart broken. See, DH told me everything, he even told me that I was the only girl he's ever been able to tell the whole truth to and I felt that the transition from homey's to lovers would be simple


So I told him that I had feelings for him, but thinking now I don't think I have feelings for him. I think I missed the companionship and the attraction that we had, but I forget that we were real young and that we really didn't know one another that well. I was the popular one and he was the newbie at the school that I befriended and gave him all my connects.

To end this post, here is where we ended things off.. He told me that I made him sick, and I said that we didn't need to be with one another if that's how he felt. He said that he couldn't depend on me for anything and I said fine that's the way he sees it then Ok. He said he gets it on the regular and I said I'm good and I don't need anything, and since he gets it on the regular I'm not really not missing out on anything.

I'm done and through and we're just going to stop talking, our friendship will not be the same. I don't know if he and I will ever be friends again after this cause it wasn't beneficial to neither him nor I. Him because I wasn't giving up any to him, and me because I can't be with or around someone who disrespects me and who I make sick!