No longer in search of an I.B.M



One of my favorite romantic/comedy movies is "Something New" I love the whole girl meets boy, girl likes boy but pretends not to, boy courts girl, girl behaves like an ignorant fool, dumps boy, girl becomes jealous of boys new girl, girl realizes she loves boy, and finally boy and girl live happily ever after TOGETHER! I absolutely loved this movie from beginning to end. There were so many memorable moments in the movie. Many of the things that the main character had to deal with were relate able. One of the most memorable parts of this movie was when Kenya (Sanaa Lathan's character) is told by her best friends to give up her idea of an I.B.M. To be rid of her dream of having an Ideal Black Man to grow old with.
Is this true, should a woman whose accomplished and established (and of course African American) give up her idea of having an Ideal BLACK Man to spend her life with. What is wrong with having that Black Man to share your dreams and wants with? Nothing, in my opinion, actually its commendable to have a black man by your side as a strong black woman to build together a strong black family. To continue on the tradition and deeply rooted beliefs of the black family, but the problem is that there aren't many Ideal Black Men anymore, and the ones that you would consider to be ideal to you do not date black women.

Case and point: I have a girlfriend who just graduated from the University of Connecticut, she actually graduated from law school, as the only black woman in her class of about 30. According to her the two black men in her graduating class do not date black women, I was a bit shocked to hear this. As an advocate for the Black Family she cannot seem to find the black man that would suit her, to me that is a shame. She's a very pretty girl to, and its not because she's my friend that I think that she's pretty but she really is pretty, but back to the problem at hand. Why can't she find a suitable suitor who also happens to be black? Why is it that as we grow in our careers and in age does it get harder to find a good black man to date? Why is it that as we accomplish more and understand ourselves more that that number of available black men diminishes? Am I the only one that finds this to be odd? Whats wrong with our black men? Where have all the good ones gone?

What I have found is that many black men don't know how to treat a black woman, they don't' know how to appreciate the goodness and wonder that is a black woman? Many black men become insecure of themselves and have to abuse the black woman to make himself feel better. Another thing is that many of these black men don't know how to act once they've got a good BLACK woman. Many of these men behave like young boys when they see women, they must have as many as possible. I don't want my man, my "IBM" to be with anyone other than me, is that too much to ask, can he possibly keep it in his pants? I don't know what happened to being faithful? Is that something that our grandparents only knew of? What happened to being with one woman at a time? Or at least trying to remain with one woman?

I once dated a guy who claimed that he had broken up with his girlfriend and he wanted to date me when I was working at the library in midtown. At first I was hesitant but after his persistence, and our constant flirting I took him up on his offer and started seeing him. Just a couple of dates to feel him out, make sure he wasn't a psycho. Things seemed to move kind of quickly we dated briefly and then things became serious and I thought I had found my IBM, he was what I asked God for, he was what I wanted. He was goal oriented, was family friendly educated and well spoken, we came from the same background so there was no language barrier among our elders. He was affectionate and understanding of my needs. I was inebriated by him I thought that God had answered my prayers and had given me what I wanted, my black man who would be the father of our beautiful Haitian/American dark- skinned babies. After 6 months in, (I told you it was quick) as fate would have it I found that he didn't actually break up with his "girlfriend." He was still with her, though he was with me everyday. I didn't understand how this was, I was crushed beyond belief . Why do I have to share? If he was with her than be with her, don't drag me into your confusion. He later said to me that they were in fact on a break, but it was during our dating period that they got back together. He said that he wanted to tell me but he had fallen for me and didn't want to break my heart! (HA! WHAT CROCK) That certainly wasn't my IBM. What I asked God for he gave me. He gave me the Black Man with the qualities that I was searching for but I didn't understand that with some good, also comes some bad! My IBM (his initials were IB, get that)was dead off and I had to start all over again. There had to be another IBM out there! There just had to be!!!

My girlfriends have this picture perfect man that they want, and his name is Marcus Jones. He is a tall man, about 6'3 or 6'4, dark skinned and has beautifully coiffed in nice, neat dreads. Marcus works at a well paying job where he either wears suits, or casual slacks and a button down shirt depending on the day of the week. The suits hug his Adonis like frame perfectly and his khaki's fit him well. Underneath the suit Marcus has a well chiseled body, he works out hard (about 3-4 times a week)to keep in tip top shape, Marcus abs are cut and chiseled like the body of an athlete, like Reggie Bush.

and he has a gorgeous smile, handsomely featured, and well groomed like Brian White


or Michael Jai White


On weekends, Marcus wears jeans and timb's and knows how to relax, he doesn't complain when his girl wants to go shopping or if she wants to hang out with her friends, and he's got no problem hanging out with the guys when his girlfriend just needs some alone time. Marcus takes his woman shopping whenever she needs it, he has no problem spending his money on his woman, he gives her lavish gifts and pays her bills,he also sends her on mind blowing vacation trips to relax and get away. Being an Adonis isn't only what makes Marcus wonderful, Marcus is great at handling his woman truth be told Marcus can also lay the pipe right. He knows how to make a woman feel like a woman when making love. He is the most sensual yet sexual man when need be. Marcus can make love for hours and he's very romantic. He gives body massages and rub downs, draws a bath for his woman when she comes home from hard days work. Soft yet rough, tender and compassionate Marcus is well hung and knows how to use his tool. He is never overbearing and he is a great listener. Marcus can converse about anything, he's multidimensional and he's not afraid of a challenge, as well as being a good looking and hardworking man, he's also a volunteer, he donates his time to charities and has other non-profit organizations that promote the uplifting of the black family, like Barack Obama! Marcus is about teaching the young ones, he is a role model for young black men in the community.

Marcus is about family, he's about love, he's about commitments and responsibility, he's about everything and anything. He goes to church on Sunday's, he loves his woman and only his woman he doesn't cheat because he doesn't see the reason to, his woman and their children is all he needs, and he works hard to make things better for the future of their children and future generations. All in all Marcus can cook, he can clean, he's a family man and he's god=fearing, in other words Marcus is PERFECT!

Damn, he sounds like such a good man doesn't he? He sounds like the perfect husband. There is one slight problem, MARCUS IS A FIGMENT OF THEIR IMAGINATION! Marcus Jones DOESN'T EXIST!!!! Yes ladies, he's is made up! There is No REAL MARCUS JONES! He is someone my girlfriends made up one day while we were talking about our ideal mates. I wish Marcus was real, he would be my perfect husband, my IBM! But, he's not! He's what every woman would want for herself, or her friend, or her daughter. Fact of the matter is that there isn't any man on this earth who is this perfect. The only perfect man was Jesus and he already is ours so what else should we want. Many of us think that having this man, who does all the things that we want and need would make us happy, but in actuality it wouldn't. I know many might be saying yea right, I know I'd be happy if my man was like Marcus Jones, but would you really? Then there would be nothing to argue about, and ladies you know sometimes we just have to pick a fight (shoot I know I do)

My IBM is real, he does exist but there is one problem my IBM isn't black! In all honesty he's not an IBM, he's just an IM. My IDEAL MATE! I want someone who is going to work hard, and push for a better tomorrow. He is a wonderful person and he's not perfect. He makes me happy and he makes me sad. I miss him when we're not together but can't wait to be apart from him. He's the yin to my yang! Though we fight we love each other and we understand each other. We support one another's dreams and aspirations. We can cry and laugh and we can scream at each other when we're pissed off at one another, but we never go to bed angry! My IM is just another extension of me. God said be fruitful and produce, but he didn't say "Blacks with Blacks and Whites with Whites!"

Don't get me wrong believe in the black family, I believe in teaching my future children about the struggles that blacks had to go through to get ahead in this country. If my children come from a black father than great, but if my IM isn't black then that's fine too. I can still provide my children with the knowledge and deep roots of our black culture. Ladies some of you are afraid to step outside your race, some just want to be with a black man, and you have every right to be with a black man! Some of them are really strong and wonderful, and then some of them are weak and cruel! Many of you are still searching for your IBM, but what if he does exist but just isn't black. Would you pass up the opportunity of having your very own Marcus because he's not the B in your IBM. Don't you deserve happiness??I think we should change the B from black to beautiful, actually drop the B all together and just make it your IM. Your IDEAL MATE!

I also find that if you ask for something make sure that you can back it up by being what you asked for. If you ask God for a man who has a great body and works out, then make sure that you have a great body and work out, because you have to give what you ask for.

Remember "Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections."

I hope all of you find your own Marcus Jones.
At the end of Something New, Kenya finds that her IM isn't in a black man but is in the hardworking White man that she met. I am not saying that this is going to happen to all of us, but at least she didn't count him out. Don't count out that white, or Latino guy that is checking you out from across the room. Don't shy away from the cute Italian guy that walked pass you down the street. If you're attracted say hello, you never know if he maybe your Something New.
Good luck ladies


My top 10 wants in an IM (Ideal Mate) ..
1. He must be God fearing, I believe in God and so must he, God is the beginning and end! No excuses for not knowing who God is.
2. He must be educated, college isn't for everyone honestly but you must have something in that cranium. Knowledge is attainable with a click of a mouse, please be able to converse on multiple levels
3. Goal orientated, don't be complacent, you must want to reach above your present state. Make changes, move forward!
4. Family Friendly, my family is very important to me. I have a very large extended family and my cousins are like brothers and sisters with me, I'm not saying that you must get along with everyone, but if everyone dislikes you there is SOMETHING WRONG!
5. Honest! Though this is self explanatory I don't think I need to explain it, but for argument's sake I will , I can't stop you from lying but if you lie then that what you did you lied, but if I find out that you lied to me that trust goes out the window, and with no trust there can be NO US!
6. Presentable, I admire a well manicured man! I love a man that can dress. Nothing is sexier than having my man look well put together. Hair well groomed, nails trimmed with NO DIRT under the fingernails, shoes (can't have sneakers and tims all the time) and smelling SO GOOD!
7. Respectful, be conscious of your surroundings. I can understand a slip up every now and then, but please no cursing around children, or elders. I can appreciate a man who is well spoken and understands when he's hanging with the boys or me and when we're in public around other people.
8. Loving, I give what I get. I am not saying that you need to be all over me but I would like to know that I am appreciated, that the things that I do aren't because I have to but because I want to and you are thankful that I do it.
9. Supportive & Understanding, sometimes you need someone to believe in your when you're doubtful of yourself. There are times when I feel like I can't do something and it would be nice to have someone in my corner letting me know that he believes in me and that I am just going through a slump and I'll pull through and that he has faith in me, because God doesn't create junk (this is where the God fearing thing comes in AGAIN)
10.Faithful, though it comes last its not the least important want on the list. I don't take to kindly to cheating, and I don't believe in the "It just happened" line. Nothing just "happens!" I appreciate a man who can keep it in his pants. This city is overflowing with beautiful women, it doesn't mean that you have to sleep with every single one of them! If you are no longer feeling the relationship let me know, don't step out on me! I would rather be miserable without you than be miserable with you!

1 comment

MsKnowitAll said...

I'm mad at this long post. I mean really, couldn't it have been said without all of the extra words? Maybe it was the pics that took up the space....? Dunno.

Anyway...

I'm mad that you are your friends made up Marcus Jones. Wow. I guess that's what it's come to - making up the perfect man because none are perfect. Wow.

Your season will come Lil Sis and your ideal BLACK man will come. I think we limit ourselves because we don't look outside of the CULTURE. There are beautiful Hispanic Black males too...