So, the new year has began and already I am in some sort of problem with myself. See, I made a slight mistake at the ending of last year and thought I knew what I was getting into, but I have come to realize that I didn't fully comprehend what I was getting into..I decided to go back to someone whom I thought would remain in my past. When I say go back I'm not talking about relationship wise, but lets just say an itch that so needed to be scratched.
I've known this guy for as long as I can remember. Lets call him Wes. When we were younger Wes would poke fun at me and my younger cousin Gregory because we were heavy, he would alwasy tease us about our weight because he was skinny and would never gain an ounce no matter how much he ate. As he got older he became a "bad boy" and his father decided that he should go and stay with his mother so he was sent to Canada. Now, years after my pre-pubescent days I am more to his liking. He finds me attractive and wants to be with me. (Isn't that how it usually is when a man finds that you've blossomed into a good looking young woman?)
He actually went to my mother and told her that he wants to be my boyfriend. Now, my Haitian mother isn't one that takes to kindly to people (men) who are in pursuit of her one and only child. When Wes, tells my mother that he likes me and wants to be with me my overtly snobbish mother says to him in her heavy Haitian accent "My daughter? I don't think you have it right, my one and only baby? Nope, I think you make a mistake, I think you should go home and think about it again because you can't be talking about my baby!" My mother has this thinking, that if you have no degree you're not for her child.
But back to the reason for this post, I decided to go over to Wes' house this past weekend to watch the football game. We are both big Giants fan and since they were playing the undefeated New England Patriots we wanted to watch the game together. So we're watching the game, and sitting close and making comments about the game during the commercial breaks. Though I do like him as a person and I would be in a relationship with him I don't usually let myself get into certain situations with Wes. As the first half of the game comes to a close we are laying down next to one another and Wes kisses me. At first I am stunned but then something takes over and we're locked into a kiss that lasts for minutes. In the heat of the game (the giants were winning 21-16) we got naked and it happened. Yes, I know what I was doing, and yes I could have stopped it anytime in between but I didn't. I wanted the intimate feeling that we were sharing, or at least thats what I thought I wanted. When it was all said and done I felt horrible. I was so upset with what happened, and for letting it get to that point that I got dressed right after and went home to catch the rest of the game.
I don't know what came over me but I have been in a slump since that day. I feel like I let myself down. I feel like I made a big mistake. I had told myself that I was not going to be with anyone in an intimate setting unless I was in a relationship with them, but here I am sleeping a man that I said I wasn't going to! Wes and I would always play these courtship games where we'd say that we wanted to be together but we knew it wasn't going to happen. I am so upset with myself for letting it happen. Such a disappointment, I have been trying not to kill myself about it but to no avail.
Its just so much with him that I don 't know what to do. My friends say that I should just chalk it up to experience but I don't want to. I don't want to keep it as just an experience that I wen thru. I wish that I could take it back. But to make things clear, in no way was it whack.. No, that would be farthest from the truth, and we've been speaking more since that day, but I feel like I shouldn't have did what I have done. Ugh, what a way to start the year. I didn't want it to begin this way but it has.. so here we go.. 2008 is going to be a doozy! No, let me take that back. I refuse to repeat the same sequence of events of 2007. I am going to make sure that I don't replay this situation again! I have learned my lesson and I'm moving on!