My first love (song from Avant)

Hey blogger fam, sorry for being MIA, had so much to do the last couple of days that I haven't had he time to come on and write. But the craziest thing happened a couple of days ago. I got the strangest email from someone who I thought I would never hear from again. It was one of those emails that you have to read twice to make sure that you're not missing anything. The email was from my ex-boyfriend, my first love (sidebar : I quietly I begin to humm the song from avant). When I first opened up my email inbox I deleted all the spam that wasn't phished out, but then I recognized a name that literally made me say "OH SHIT." I had to really look at the name to make sure that it wasn't a mistake... but it really was from him. From SLY! Sly and I dated for 2 years after High School. And those 2 years were the stepping stones to years of uncertinty and mistrust for men. See while Sly and I dated he decided it was a right time to cheat on me.. not once but twice with the same girl. My friend, or rather some chick who I thought was my friend. He had gone off to the army (3 year stint) and I stayed here to go onto college, but during that time we decided to continue with our relationship despite what my friends said about not having it work because of the long distance. I found out that he had cheated on me when my friend told me that she and him had "hooked up" unbeknownst to her that he and I were dating. I felt betrayed so when he wrote his first note to me from his base in Texas, I tore into that ass and told him where to go and put that penis of his and to never get into contact with me. I couldn't believe the a**hole had the nerve to do that. I was a virgin at the time and I didn't want to give it up that quickly, but he couldn't wait, he didn't want to leave NY without some kind of vaginal penetration so he had to put it where it fit. The story of Sly and I went back to several years.

We had first met in elementary school. He claims that he doesn't remember me, but with a name like Sly (not sylvester)I couldn't forget him. After graduating from the same parochial school we ended up at the same h.s for reasons unknown. That year (1995) I remember walking onto my school's campus and having him tell me that this was where he was going to go. I thought "oh great I will be with this kid for another 4 years of my life." As we went through high school we ended up having the same friends, we hung out in the same locker area. Then, things started to change. He was dating random girls and I found myself getting jealous. He had gotten so cute and I wanted to be one of the girls that he dated. But I never did, and then the unthinkable happened... I hooked him up with the girl he dated for the majority of the time we had in H.S. During the end of our sophmore year of High School I introduced him to my friend Jessica. Though he knew who she was he wasn't aware of her feelings for him. Needless to say they started dating because of me. I felt like an idiot because I set up the boy that I like with my friend but I wasn't going to tell him that.

As they dated he and I got closer. Then one day while listening to an Usher song he told me that he had feelings for me. Remember the song "You make me wanna" by Usher and he would say that, that song was us totally.
He said that the second verse was exactly how he felt.

Now what's bad Is you’re the one that hooked us up Knowing it should've been you
What's sad is I love her but I'm falling for you

What should I do should I Tell my baby bye-bye
Should I? Do exactly what I feel inside
Cause I… I don't wanna go
Don't need to stay

But I really need to get it together

You make me wanna leave the one I'm with (oh baby)
Start a new relationship with you
This is what you do Think about her and the things that come along with
You make me
You make me wanna leave the one I'm with (oh baby)
Start a new relationship with you

This is what you do
Think about her and the things that come along with
You make me
You make me

Needless to say they broke up and we dated. Actually he was my prom date and she was left High and DRY.. Yes I know I am a bad friend I'm sorry... I was trying to move on but I couldn't because I wanted to be with him like crazy. Though our relationship didn't last as long as I thought it was going to I loved him (he was too much of a mama's boy, homeboy had the audacity to tell me that if we were to ever get married his mother would live with us in the same house.. yeah people... I was like HELL TO THE NO) He was my first love and to get an email from was a total shocker. The email wasn't anything too interesting, just a foward, but it still took me by surprise. I had to email him back and ask him what he had been up to since we last spoke. Which so happen to have been 5 years prior. (he had a habit of popping up when he thought I was with someone, and like an idiot I would go back to him because I had some odd notion that he and I belonged together.) I had to ask him how things were and to see if he was still the mama's boy that I thought he was. Needless to say his curiosity peaked and he responded.. again just the same old familiarities... about the parents and of course if I'm married or dating. He didn't go into detail but I already knew that he was dating someone. I knew that he had been with his current girl for sometime now.. but was I going to ask.. HELL NO!!

At the end of our conversation I just sat and wondered about us. I thought about what could have been and asked myself if I would've been happy being with him. Sly was cheap, an irresponsible. He was too much of a mama's boy, and he was so self absorbed. Though he was my first love and though I thought that he and I would be together forever, life has taught me a very valuable lesson, Not everything is what you think it is at first glance.

Ode to Mom

My mother, the wind beneath my wings, my rock. Though she sometimes gets on my nerves I wouldn't trade her for the world. She's great. I think that's why her and I tend to butt heads as much as we do. I am her complete opposite though I look exactly like her. My mom, comes from a very large family, she is one of 12, while I am her only child. While she lived in an impoverished country like Haiti she wasn't poor, not in the monetary sense but in the fact that she was loved by her parents and siblings. While, I live in a wealthy country and though not typically middle class I am not poor but I am so loved.
I have to give props to my mom. She did so much on her own. She raised me from the day my biological father told her that I wasn't his child (long story). 10 days after I was born she became the woman she was suppose to be and strapped down her waist (as my grandmother would say) and raised her child. She came to this country when she was older so that I could have the life that she didn't get. My mom was a school teacher in Haiti. She taught at this school and made good money, but she decided she wanted a better life for her only child. We came to live in America. Life has been rough on my mom. I can see it on her face and by the way she constantly complains about her aching bones and body. She had to take menial jobs in order to put me through school. I have to give it up to my mom, she did on heck of a job raising me. While I was the only child I didn't get away with everything. I got my fair share of spanking and kneeling in the corners (total Haitian thing)

My mother did her job as a parent. I will never nor have I ever disrespected the woman. First off she'd back smack me into next Tuesday, but also she's done a lot for me. My foundation and love of God comes from her. She has taught me that I don't do things on my own, and that it comes from the love and will of God for me to do different things and to always praise him even when I feel like I'm backed up against the wall. My mom has always taught me to be a go getter, an over achiever, a top notch player when it comes to life. She has always taught me to be better than the rest. I love her for that.

I remember the day I came home and told her that I thought I was ugly. She looked at me with the most sincere face and told me that God doesn't create junk and why would I say that. She took me into her room, and had me look at myself in the mirror. My mom is a good looking woman, and she said to me " who do you look like" and I said "I look like you" and she said so how can you look like me and be ugly. She goes on to say, if you're always telling me how beautiful I am and how pretty I look, if you look like me doesn't that make you beautiful and pretty also? That was the beginning of my positive aspects on myself. Though I am not always my biggest fan I know my mother is.

My mom has always put a positive outlook on life. As the constant optimist she wants me to think that things are always going to get better, and to not dwell on the hardships along the way. She always reminds me that life is tough but to always stay humble because things do get better after they get worse. My mom is the greatest woman I know. She's suffered a lot, she's pushed through so much, yet she gives all Glory to God. She's humble, yet strong, passive yet aggressive, but through and through she's my inspiration. So with this post I dedicate it to my mother. I hope to be even half of the woman you are. You are the reason that I live.

Pissed off

I am a person who is rarely ever pissed off. I tend to just brush things off and keep it moving. But I think I have reached my limit, with this one co-worker friend of mine. She has been so self absorbed that is draining me. She has been acting like she's 20 years old and not like the grown married woman that she is. First of all she has a 7 year old son that says things that a child shouldn't say. I remember being at a certain age, and having the daylights slapped out of me because I said something that wasn't to my mother's liking. She was a firm believer that children are seen and not heard. I remember being told to leave the room because grown folks were talking and if I didn't leave, I'd get a slipper thrown at me in an instant. But this woman has a son who will say what he wants to whom he wants without being reprimanded. But that's farthest from my issue with (lets call her Mrs. Calvin Klein).

Now I am not a believer in having flings outside of marriage but not everyone is like me. But Mrs Calvin Klein decided that she was over her inattentive and sometimes verbally abusive husband and started messing with this guy (lets call him Juan). Now Juan is someone who, (if you didn't know better) could be found attractive because of his zest of literature and zeal for life. Now Juan and Mrs. Klein started seeing one another exclusively. They would just talk to one another but then things began to escalate. She began falling for Juan, and thinking that she could leave her husband and take their son to be raised by her and Juan because to her Juan had the greatest parenting skills (Juan is Dominican, we Hispaniolian's' don't play that hot mess) Anywho, myself and another co-worker friend of mine have been trying for the last 6 months to tell her how bad this guy Juan is, but she is clouded by the verbal intercourse that they share. I used to like Juan. (Needless to say Juan works with us.) I even thought Juan was kind of sexy. I love a man that is knowledgeable and can teach me something, anything. But, as I've gotten to know Juan I've come to the realization that he's not as cute, and endearing as I thought he was.

Juan reminds me of a woman who is going through that change in her life. He is always moody and sometimes snappish at people if he had a bad morning commute. But anyway, Mrs. Klein has fallen head over heals in love with the guy. She has lost all track of who she is because of him. She has even forgotten about her son. (Which pisses me off, because you don't do that to a child) she has been crying for the last couple of weeks because things have gotten bad with him. Juan is a person who always wants his space (its a big issue to him too) and she is kind of like a bad hemorrhoid that no matter how much preparation H you put on it, it just won't go away. She's like a tornado, and he's expressed several times to her that he'd like to be left ALONE. But she doesn't understand the concept of space and continues to just go on and on and on with her verbal intrusions.

Now, my other friend and I have been trying to drill into her that, sometimes you need to cut your losses and seek help before you completely destroy your marriage. And while she'll say yes (I think its only said to pacify our constant babble) she does the complete opposite and goes and intervenes when she isn't wanted. How do I tell this woman that she needs to wake up and smell the coffee.. the man doesn't want you anymore. Leave him alone and work on saving your marriage. I've had it up to my eye balls (I'm 5'6, so there isn't much to me) with her crying and lies. I can't take it anymore. And while I try to be a good friend to her I can't see myself doing this much longer. I can't see myself being the good Christian woman that I am and not SLAPPING FIRE out of her. Lord, give me peace within, because I'm inches from losing my Jesus.


Fall semester is finally out of my system and I await my grades. These grades determine how much of a strain I am going to put into the spring semester. I worked hard in the fall, not to my full potential but hard enough to make good grades, that is until I received my physiology grade. I got a C+... WTF??? I worked hard this whole semester. I read the whole darn book. All 18 chapters and I get a C+.. I'm livid. (actually I cried my eyes out because I felt like a failure) I am looking to getting into sports medicine, as a physical therapist and a C+ in physiology isn't a good look. I cried to my friend / cousin Cassy. I felt like such a failure and let down, what school is going to accept me into their physical therapy program with a C+ in physiology. Add to that I am taking Physics in the spring and if I can't handle physiology how in God's name am I going to do in Physics. (I am my worst and harshest critic) I feel so bad.. Though I got 2 B's and a B+ my GPA for the semester ends up to be 2.8... (physio was a 4 credit course) again WTF?? How am I ever going to be able to get into the D.P.T (Doctor of Physical Therapy) program with a 2.8 GPA???? (GOD HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!) yes, this is my first semester back from since I've gotten my first degree but still, this predetermines how I do for the rest of the time that I'm there getting the pre-req's for the program.. I'm so upset! I'm going to go to my corner and cry again now.. I just thought I'd share...

And we're off!!

So, the new year has began and already I am in some sort of problem with myself. See, I made a slight mistake at the ending of last year and thought I knew what I was getting into, but I have come to realize that I didn't fully comprehend what I was getting into..I decided to go back to someone whom I thought would remain in my past. When I say go back I'm not talking about relationship wise, but lets just say an itch that so needed to be scratched.

I've known this guy for as long as I can remember. Lets call him Wes. When we were younger Wes would poke fun at me and my younger cousin Gregory because we were heavy, he would alwasy tease us about our weight because he was skinny and would never gain an ounce no matter how much he ate. As he got older he became a "bad boy" and his father decided that he should go and stay with his mother so he was sent to Canada. Now, years after my pre-pubescent days I am more to his liking. He finds me attractive and wants to be with me. (Isn't that how it usually is when a man finds that you've blossomed into a good looking young woman?)

He actually went to my mother and told her that he wants to be my boyfriend. Now, my Haitian mother isn't one that takes to kindly to people (men) who are in pursuit of her one and only child. When Wes, tells my mother that he likes me and wants to be with me my overtly snobbish mother says to him in her heavy Haitian accent "My daughter? I don't think you have it right, my one and only baby? Nope, I think you make a mistake, I think you should go home and think about it again because you can't be talking about my baby!" My mother has this thinking, that if you have no degree you're not for her child.

But back to the reason for this post, I decided to go over to Wes' house this past weekend to watch the football game. We are both big Giants fan and since they were playing the undefeated New England Patriots we wanted to watch the game together. So we're watching the game, and sitting close and making comments about the game during the commercial breaks. Though I do like him as a person and I would be in a relationship with him I don't usually let myself get into certain situations with Wes. As the first half of the game comes to a close we are laying down next to one another and Wes kisses me. At first I am stunned but then something takes over and we're locked into a kiss that lasts for minutes. In the heat of the game (the giants were winning 21-16) we got naked and it happened. Yes, I know what I was doing, and yes I could have stopped it anytime in between but I didn't. I wanted the intimate feeling that we were sharing, or at least thats what I thought I wanted. When it was all said and done I felt horrible. I was so upset with what happened, and for letting it get to that point that I got dressed right after and went home to catch the rest of the game.

I don't know what came over me but I have been in a slump since that day. I feel like I let myself down. I feel like I made a big mistake. I had told myself that I was not going to be with anyone in an intimate setting unless I was in a relationship with them, but here I am sleeping a man that I said I wasn't going to! Wes and I would always play these courtship games where we'd say that we wanted to be together but we knew it wasn't going to happen. I am so upset with myself for letting it happen. Such a disappointment, I have been trying not to kill myself about it but to no avail.

Its just so much with him that I don 't know what to do. My friends say that I should just chalk it up to experience but I don't want to. I don't want to keep it as just an experience that I wen thru. I wish that I could take it back. But to make things clear, in no way was it whack.. No, that would be farthest from the truth, and we've been speaking more since that day, but I feel like I shouldn't have did what I have done. Ugh, what a way to start the year. I didn't want it to begin this way but it has.. so here we go.. 2008 is going to be a doozy! No, let me take that back. I refuse to repeat the same sequence of events of 2007. I am going to make sure that I don't replay this situation again! I have learned my lesson and I'm moving on!