The run down!

Its been since forever since I've blogged. This is due to the fact that there is nothing and I mean nothing going on in my life that I can really put out here.. well that was until now, because I'm kind of sick and tired of meeting crazy people. I've come to the conclusion that I have an internal magnet that just attracts these crazy's to me! Ok, let me take you back a couple of weeks, I was headed to work on one of those gloomy Monday mornings and was talking idly to a fellow train rider about the book that I was reading. I had become so engrossed in the "Twilight" saga's that I had to talk to everyone about it (if you haven't read it, you should.. Movie comes out tomorrow)
Anywho, there was this guy on the train staring at me. I tend not to pay attention to these types of men, because more often than not they aren't my type.

After the girl who I was talking to got off the train, he commences to step out of his shell and talk to me. I am not a snob, nor am I standoffish so I speak back to him. Just random questions that people ask you when they are trying to get to know you. As I reach my destination, he asks for my number, not wanting to rule him out because he wasn't what I thought was drop dead gorgeous I gave him my card. He said he'd call me and I was off to work. Fast forward 3 days, he texts me (yes sends me a text NOT a call but a text) to ask me if I'd like to meet up. I say sure and tell him to meet me at the local Starbucks, since I am a fan and was in serious crave mode for a "White Chocolate Mocha with Soy Milk and no foam;" I thought it was the best place to meet and talk and satisfy my cravings all in one shot.

Anywho, we meet up and he's just as I remembered him, short, bald, but smelled really nice. I am such a sucker for a man that smells good. So we go in, I order my coffee and he orders his. We begin talking, and the conversation is ok, its just regular. He tells me he was married, and that's fine, because now a days men have some baggage. Then homey (that's what he's been reduced to now) tells me that he has kids, see I have no problems with men having kids, because again things have changed and men sometimes have baggage now too... but what the stipulation was that he had what he called "twins" or rather "black people" twins. I had to ask, what that meant... see he has two children that are both 4 years old, but not, and I REPEAT NOT from the same MOTHER! Ok, that made me cock my head to the side for a bit. I asked him to explain, the goes on to say that his wife had gotten pregnant than left him, and then he met someone else and she got pregnant too, so he has two children both 4 from two different women! Daughter born in August, son born in November. (Yes, I was in total HELL NAW moment) But I didn't want to get up and just leave him where he sat so I just continued on with the conversation. After about an hour he said lets walk around the neighborhood.

Now, I know that was my clue to yawn and say that I was tired and was gonna go home, but I don't know what made me stay. So we continue to talk, at this time, homey loops his arms around mine. "HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE!! YOU DON'T OWN ME! I DON'T SEE NO RING ON MY FINGERS... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?" was all that I was thinking. I didn't say that to him, although I should have, I just kindly stepped aside and said I wasn't comfortable. So we walked and talked and chatted for a while. He tried to loop his arm in again and this time I moved around and looked at this house that was decorated for Halloween. I had, had about enough of homeboy so I said I wanted to go home. I only lived about 4 blocks from where we were so he said he'd walk me. Fine, no arguments from me. Shoot, it was dark and I didn't want to walk alone. He drops me home and I give him a fake hug, and he says we should go out again, I say " You know my busy schedule, I'll let you know."

Now ever since that nightmare of an outing homey has hit me up EVERY morning, but yesterday took the cake. I normally just tell him that I am busy doing things for my friends, or church or recently doing things with my sorority, and he usually goes "OH so you Don't Want to see me?" and I promptly delete the message. And ignore, this morning's message just took the cake. "At exactly 8:18 a.m. while driving to the train station (gets me there quicker then I give mommy the car so she can drive herself to work) he hits me up Says Good Morning and asks me what I am doing today cause he's losin his mind not seeing me! WTF??? I really want to call him and say DUDE WE WENT ON A SORT OF DATE AND YOU HAVE YET TO CALL ME. YOU TEXT ME EVERY FREAKING DAY. GET A LIFE AND F**K OFF! But I don't, I just delete the message. My question is : How do I get him to stop it. I don't want to be mean or sound like the angry black woman, but he's pissing me off and its getting to the point where I don't care. Should I just cuss (yes cuss.. west indian in me) him stank and be done with it, or should I be nice and say : Listen, I don't appreciate you texting me everyday. If you were trying to get to know me, you wouldn't' text me. You'd have called. And I am not interested. Thank you."

what should I DO?????????????????? cause I am one step from going Haitian on him and giving him a good stank cuss.

LONG Hiatus

I haven't blogged in forever. Its mainly because I have nothing to write about. Life has been so boring that I long for the days of drama and some stress because it would at least inspire me with something to write. I am emotionally ok, can't say that I'm great but OK. My birthday passed and I didn't even celebrate. I am now 27 years young and still learning what this life is all about.

I was talking to my friend KP yesterday (an avid blog reader and blogger herself) and she was asking me why I haven't blogged in a while, nor have I been reading and commenting (she likes those things I try to respond.. love reading her thoughts) I told her that I have reached a slow point in my life. I do nothing other than work and home, oh and of course looking for other means of employment while I'm at work. I am on my grind to find a new job. But, other than that nothing. There are no male interests (well there was one, but I'll talk about him later.) I don't go out as much as I used to. Its like I'm at a stand still.

KP says that I should make my changes. Do something spontaneous. While I'm all for spontaneity, I feel sluggish to do anything. Has anyone felt like this? Its like I want to do something more exciting but I don't want to have to go out there and do it. I want it to come to me!

I have a friends Halloween party coming up next week, that should maybe add some spice to this boring life of mine. And if not I am seriously going to have to do something drastic to take me out of this rut that I am in.. Until then, Happy belated b'day to me.. Happy belated b"day to Ms.Knowitall.

And I'll be back to my old blogging days soon enough.

I hope!

FRIDAY!!! Ramblings ???


Thank God its Friday. I have been waiting for this day all week and its finally here. Though I have tons of things to do this weekend I feel like it took forever for it to come. My friend is getting married this weekend and tonight is her bridal shower. I have NO money so I have to find some way to hustle $100 and get her something anything from her gift registry.

Saturday another one of my friends is having a b'day bbq and she invited me and some friends to come and have eats. Though I'm not really in the bbq mood I thought I'd go and just enjoy some time with friends, why not have a good time with good people. My best-friend is suppose to be coming into NY with my godson so I'll be spending most of Saturday morning with them, but by the afternoon I'll go.

Sunday is my friends wedding and I am excited for her. She and her boyfriend have been together for what seems like an eternity I wish them the best because Lord knows how many marriages end in divorce nowadays... I don't want to say that to her so I'll promptly keep my comments to myself. Her fiance isn't the type to cheat from what she's told me, and from what I know of him he seems like a good man, so why not tie that knot. All the Best CINDY!

I have finally stopped hearing from my crazy lunatic ex-boyfriend Ivory! He has seemed to finally get the picture so here's to hoping that it remains that way!

I should have a story to tell next week about a guy I used to date. We've been speaking and though I don't want to admit it to him, or to myself I think I like him.

Next week is very very eventful. Monday it's Ms. Patti LaBelle at Wingate Park, on Tuesday I'm suppose to be going to see Allison Hinds (Soca Queen) at SOB's, then Wednesday some after work spot because its the day before my cousin's b'day. Thursday is Ash's b'day so we're most likely going to dinner.. and then that weekend is LABOR DAY WEEKEND and we all know what that means.. Well for the West Indians, you know what it means.. time to jump and wine and wave....

SUMMER IS OFFICIALLY OVER!

No longer in search of an I.B.M



One of my favorite romantic/comedy movies is "Something New" I love the whole girl meets boy, girl likes boy but pretends not to, boy courts girl, girl behaves like an ignorant fool, dumps boy, girl becomes jealous of boys new girl, girl realizes she loves boy, and finally boy and girl live happily ever after TOGETHER! I absolutely loved this movie from beginning to end. There were so many memorable moments in the movie. Many of the things that the main character had to deal with were relate able. One of the most memorable parts of this movie was when Kenya (Sanaa Lathan's character) is told by her best friends to give up her idea of an I.B.M. To be rid of her dream of having an Ideal Black Man to grow old with.
Is this true, should a woman whose accomplished and established (and of course African American) give up her idea of having an Ideal BLACK Man to spend her life with. What is wrong with having that Black Man to share your dreams and wants with? Nothing, in my opinion, actually its commendable to have a black man by your side as a strong black woman to build together a strong black family. To continue on the tradition and deeply rooted beliefs of the black family, but the problem is that there aren't many Ideal Black Men anymore, and the ones that you would consider to be ideal to you do not date black women.

Case and point: I have a girlfriend who just graduated from the University of Connecticut, she actually graduated from law school, as the only black woman in her class of about 30. According to her the two black men in her graduating class do not date black women, I was a bit shocked to hear this. As an advocate for the Black Family she cannot seem to find the black man that would suit her, to me that is a shame. She's a very pretty girl to, and its not because she's my friend that I think that she's pretty but she really is pretty, but back to the problem at hand. Why can't she find a suitable suitor who also happens to be black? Why is it that as we grow in our careers and in age does it get harder to find a good black man to date? Why is it that as we accomplish more and understand ourselves more that that number of available black men diminishes? Am I the only one that finds this to be odd? Whats wrong with our black men? Where have all the good ones gone?

What I have found is that many black men don't know how to treat a black woman, they don't' know how to appreciate the goodness and wonder that is a black woman? Many black men become insecure of themselves and have to abuse the black woman to make himself feel better. Another thing is that many of these black men don't know how to act once they've got a good BLACK woman. Many of these men behave like young boys when they see women, they must have as many as possible. I don't want my man, my "IBM" to be with anyone other than me, is that too much to ask, can he possibly keep it in his pants? I don't know what happened to being faithful? Is that something that our grandparents only knew of? What happened to being with one woman at a time? Or at least trying to remain with one woman?

I once dated a guy who claimed that he had broken up with his girlfriend and he wanted to date me when I was working at the library in midtown. At first I was hesitant but after his persistence, and our constant flirting I took him up on his offer and started seeing him. Just a couple of dates to feel him out, make sure he wasn't a psycho. Things seemed to move kind of quickly we dated briefly and then things became serious and I thought I had found my IBM, he was what I asked God for, he was what I wanted. He was goal oriented, was family friendly educated and well spoken, we came from the same background so there was no language barrier among our elders. He was affectionate and understanding of my needs. I was inebriated by him I thought that God had answered my prayers and had given me what I wanted, my black man who would be the father of our beautiful Haitian/American dark- skinned babies. After 6 months in, (I told you it was quick) as fate would have it I found that he didn't actually break up with his "girlfriend." He was still with her, though he was with me everyday. I didn't understand how this was, I was crushed beyond belief . Why do I have to share? If he was with her than be with her, don't drag me into your confusion. He later said to me that they were in fact on a break, but it was during our dating period that they got back together. He said that he wanted to tell me but he had fallen for me and didn't want to break my heart! (HA! WHAT CROCK) That certainly wasn't my IBM. What I asked God for he gave me. He gave me the Black Man with the qualities that I was searching for but I didn't understand that with some good, also comes some bad! My IBM (his initials were IB, get that)was dead off and I had to start all over again. There had to be another IBM out there! There just had to be!!!

My girlfriends have this picture perfect man that they want, and his name is Marcus Jones. He is a tall man, about 6'3 or 6'4, dark skinned and has beautifully coiffed in nice, neat dreads. Marcus works at a well paying job where he either wears suits, or casual slacks and a button down shirt depending on the day of the week. The suits hug his Adonis like frame perfectly and his khaki's fit him well. Underneath the suit Marcus has a well chiseled body, he works out hard (about 3-4 times a week)to keep in tip top shape, Marcus abs are cut and chiseled like the body of an athlete, like Reggie Bush.

and he has a gorgeous smile, handsomely featured, and well groomed like Brian White


or Michael Jai White


On weekends, Marcus wears jeans and timb's and knows how to relax, he doesn't complain when his girl wants to go shopping or if she wants to hang out with her friends, and he's got no problem hanging out with the guys when his girlfriend just needs some alone time. Marcus takes his woman shopping whenever she needs it, he has no problem spending his money on his woman, he gives her lavish gifts and pays her bills,he also sends her on mind blowing vacation trips to relax and get away. Being an Adonis isn't only what makes Marcus wonderful, Marcus is great at handling his woman truth be told Marcus can also lay the pipe right. He knows how to make a woman feel like a woman when making love. He is the most sensual yet sexual man when need be. Marcus can make love for hours and he's very romantic. He gives body massages and rub downs, draws a bath for his woman when she comes home from hard days work. Soft yet rough, tender and compassionate Marcus is well hung and knows how to use his tool. He is never overbearing and he is a great listener. Marcus can converse about anything, he's multidimensional and he's not afraid of a challenge, as well as being a good looking and hardworking man, he's also a volunteer, he donates his time to charities and has other non-profit organizations that promote the uplifting of the black family, like Barack Obama! Marcus is about teaching the young ones, he is a role model for young black men in the community.

Marcus is about family, he's about love, he's about commitments and responsibility, he's about everything and anything. He goes to church on Sunday's, he loves his woman and only his woman he doesn't cheat because he doesn't see the reason to, his woman and their children is all he needs, and he works hard to make things better for the future of their children and future generations. All in all Marcus can cook, he can clean, he's a family man and he's god=fearing, in other words Marcus is PERFECT!

Damn, he sounds like such a good man doesn't he? He sounds like the perfect husband. There is one slight problem, MARCUS IS A FIGMENT OF THEIR IMAGINATION! Marcus Jones DOESN'T EXIST!!!! Yes ladies, he's is made up! There is No REAL MARCUS JONES! He is someone my girlfriends made up one day while we were talking about our ideal mates. I wish Marcus was real, he would be my perfect husband, my IBM! But, he's not! He's what every woman would want for herself, or her friend, or her daughter. Fact of the matter is that there isn't any man on this earth who is this perfect. The only perfect man was Jesus and he already is ours so what else should we want. Many of us think that having this man, who does all the things that we want and need would make us happy, but in actuality it wouldn't. I know many might be saying yea right, I know I'd be happy if my man was like Marcus Jones, but would you really? Then there would be nothing to argue about, and ladies you know sometimes we just have to pick a fight (shoot I know I do)

My IBM is real, he does exist but there is one problem my IBM isn't black! In all honesty he's not an IBM, he's just an IM. My IDEAL MATE! I want someone who is going to work hard, and push for a better tomorrow. He is a wonderful person and he's not perfect. He makes me happy and he makes me sad. I miss him when we're not together but can't wait to be apart from him. He's the yin to my yang! Though we fight we love each other and we understand each other. We support one another's dreams and aspirations. We can cry and laugh and we can scream at each other when we're pissed off at one another, but we never go to bed angry! My IM is just another extension of me. God said be fruitful and produce, but he didn't say "Blacks with Blacks and Whites with Whites!"

Don't get me wrong believe in the black family, I believe in teaching my future children about the struggles that blacks had to go through to get ahead in this country. If my children come from a black father than great, but if my IM isn't black then that's fine too. I can still provide my children with the knowledge and deep roots of our black culture. Ladies some of you are afraid to step outside your race, some just want to be with a black man, and you have every right to be with a black man! Some of them are really strong and wonderful, and then some of them are weak and cruel! Many of you are still searching for your IBM, but what if he does exist but just isn't black. Would you pass up the opportunity of having your very own Marcus because he's not the B in your IBM. Don't you deserve happiness??I think we should change the B from black to beautiful, actually drop the B all together and just make it your IM. Your IDEAL MATE!

I also find that if you ask for something make sure that you can back it up by being what you asked for. If you ask God for a man who has a great body and works out, then make sure that you have a great body and work out, because you have to give what you ask for.

Remember "Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections."

I hope all of you find your own Marcus Jones.
At the end of Something New, Kenya finds that her IM isn't in a black man but is in the hardworking White man that she met. I am not saying that this is going to happen to all of us, but at least she didn't count him out. Don't count out that white, or Latino guy that is checking you out from across the room. Don't shy away from the cute Italian guy that walked pass you down the street. If you're attracted say hello, you never know if he maybe your Something New.
Good luck ladies


My top 10 wants in an IM (Ideal Mate) ..
1. He must be God fearing, I believe in God and so must he, God is the beginning and end! No excuses for not knowing who God is.
2. He must be educated, college isn't for everyone honestly but you must have something in that cranium. Knowledge is attainable with a click of a mouse, please be able to converse on multiple levels
3. Goal orientated, don't be complacent, you must want to reach above your present state. Make changes, move forward!
4. Family Friendly, my family is very important to me. I have a very large extended family and my cousins are like brothers and sisters with me, I'm not saying that you must get along with everyone, but if everyone dislikes you there is SOMETHING WRONG!
5. Honest! Though this is self explanatory I don't think I need to explain it, but for argument's sake I will , I can't stop you from lying but if you lie then that what you did you lied, but if I find out that you lied to me that trust goes out the window, and with no trust there can be NO US!
6. Presentable, I admire a well manicured man! I love a man that can dress. Nothing is sexier than having my man look well put together. Hair well groomed, nails trimmed with NO DIRT under the fingernails, shoes (can't have sneakers and tims all the time) and smelling SO GOOD!
7. Respectful, be conscious of your surroundings. I can understand a slip up every now and then, but please no cursing around children, or elders. I can appreciate a man who is well spoken and understands when he's hanging with the boys or me and when we're in public around other people.
8. Loving, I give what I get. I am not saying that you need to be all over me but I would like to know that I am appreciated, that the things that I do aren't because I have to but because I want to and you are thankful that I do it.
9. Supportive & Understanding, sometimes you need someone to believe in your when you're doubtful of yourself. There are times when I feel like I can't do something and it would be nice to have someone in my corner letting me know that he believes in me and that I am just going through a slump and I'll pull through and that he has faith in me, because God doesn't create junk (this is where the God fearing thing comes in AGAIN)
10.Faithful, though it comes last its not the least important want on the list. I don't take to kindly to cheating, and I don't believe in the "It just happened" line. Nothing just "happens!" I appreciate a man who can keep it in his pants. This city is overflowing with beautiful women, it doesn't mean that you have to sleep with every single one of them! If you are no longer feeling the relationship let me know, don't step out on me! I would rather be miserable without you than be miserable with you!

I'm addicted

I am not really into reality Television. I try not to watch the stuff that they have on MTV or VH1, cause to me its a whole bunch of CRAP, but I have to admit that I am an addict to "The Hills!" Monday night was the premiere of season 4 and I must say that I was awaiting it to begin with baited breath. This show has gotten the best of me. The younger girls that I hang out with are fans, and they got me into the show. Season after season I just sit and watch and wait. I find myself getting home and vegging out waiting for the show to come on, on a Monday night. Now I know that this is not really reality because some of it is scripted, but I can't help myself. The story line reminds me of some the petty drama that a lot of other women go through. But I have to admit I am addicted. Why oh why!!! MTV you're horrible for doing this to me!! Hills Monday night at 10pm...... Yeah I know I'm pitiful!




Oh for those of you who watch MTV on a regular basis, Real World is being taped in Brooklyn. I went to Crunch Gym yesterday in Park Slope and they were taping for this season! I tried to get my face on TV, lets see if my attempt worked. I'll let you know!!

Random thoughts

I told Eb, that I was going to "borrow" this from her site and that is just what I am doing. I have to admit her posts tend to make me sit and think about my own little meme's. Little things that need tweeking or need grand alterations, but all in the name of bettering myself. Well, thanks Eb, here are some of my little tidbits of randomness.

Maybe I should...stop spending so much money (this I had to keep, Eb hit it RIGHT on the head)
I love the smell of... a baby. There is nothing like the smell of a baby
People would say that I...am nut, but always there for them whenever they need me
I don’t understand why...I continually attract the WRONG type of men. I wonder what it is about me that bring them in my direction. Seriously it must be something that I am exuding that is bringing them to me!
When I wake up in the morning...I thank God for another day
I lost my will power to...make people into something when they rather remain a NOTHING!
Life is wonderful... when you have amazing family and friends to share it with
My past has... made me the person I am today and I wouldn't change any of it for the world
I get annoyed when...people try to play me for a fool, and think that I cannot see it!
Parties are not...the place to behave like you have NO home TRAINING!
Dogs are...cute when they’re small, big dogs scare the HECK out of me!
Cats are... sneaky mongrels
Tomorrow I am going to...see Erykah Badu at Wingate Park in Brooklyn. Its FREE and I’m so there!
I have a low tolerance for... ignorance
I'm totally terrified of...personal failure, forget what the world thinks of me but I struggle with being at peace with my own accomplishments and how I view them for myself (ditto EB)
I wonder why I thought my life would be...easier as I got older. I was so mistaken. It’s a lot harder now that I’m an adult.
Never in my life...did I think that I’d be fed up with one person!
High school was something that...I would so do over again. I made so many great and wonderful friends; I loved every minute of it
When I'm nervous... I stutter, though I try not to show it, if you listen to me speak you realize that I have an instant impairment.
Take my advice...to put God at the head of your life because he already knows your path (AMEN EB)
Making my bed is...something that doesn't happen too often...I usually am running late so that's the last thing I think about before I leave my house! I sometimes just use it as an ironing board!
I'm almost always...up for a good meal... I likes to eat!
I'm addicted to... my cell phone! Jesus help me, I’ve already dropped it in the toilet there isn’t anything left to do now! Please help me!
I want someone...who doesn’t lie to make himself look good. I believe in being the REAL you. If you’re false then there is no need to speak to me. I only invite REAL people into my circle.


Life is what you make of it. Sometimes its needs a bit of tweeking to get it right, but if you keep God first then everything will fall into place. Sometimes Random thoughts or someone else's random thoughts inspire you to see what needs to be altered! Thanks EB

Haitian Pride


I'm one cool Haitian chick! I remember the days when saying that I was Haitian was taboo! I remember the fights and the swears that were sent to every Haitian child that had the balls to say that they were Haitian. Many days some of my good friends were chased home because they were Haitian. They couldn't escape the whole ridicule. Me on the other hand, well thats another story! Let me tell you where this came from....

My mom went to Haiti at the end of June. When she returned a week ago she told me how she couldn't believe what she saw. She says that the country that she grew up in was not even recognizable to her. It was dirty and ugly, unlike the beauty that was before it turned into a ghost of its former self

I came to this country when I was 4 and a half. Being Haitian was the worst thing on the planet (trust me NYers were tough on Haitians). I remember that kids were being called every single name in the book. "Haitian Booty Scratcher," they would say that I had HBO "Haitian Body Oder" they said how my people brought AIDS to the country. The mid-80's was not a good time for Haitians and so to avoid ridicule and torment I told everyone that I was Jamaican (yes I went there and said the most common and acceptable thing at the time.) With a name like mine I don't know how many people believed me, but some did.

When asked what part of Jamaica I was from I'd promptly tell them Kingston. Since, most of these kids were American born they wouldn't question me, until one day when my overly accented mother decided to pick me up from school and belt out in her loudest Haitian voice "Nelly, comen to me rat now" Yes, it sounded just like that! And then she added with force when she saw that I was not paying her any mind "Nelly, vin j'wen mwen kounye'a," which translates to Nelly, come here right now or I'll make you come here.

Man did those (true haitian) kids rip me a new one. Those who were Haitian looked at me with disgust because while they were getting beat with rocks and getting food thrown at them for being Haitian, here I am denying that I'm Haitian but in actuality I am one of them. Those who weren't Haitian but knew about creole looked at me with a puzzled look. One of my friends said, " Is that lady talking to you? Is that you're mom?" So I said, "Yeah she's calling me, No.. she's my babysitter. She came to pick me up!"

I know, I know.. how could I! But, imagine how many wedgies I saved myself from getting by perpetrating as a Jamaican. Being Jamaican was cool by the time I came here. Shabba Ranks was on the TV, and everyone knew at least 1 Jamaican artist. I couldn't be a Haitian I just couldn't. So what I said was that my father was from Canada and my mom was Jamaican and since I lived with her I considered myself Jamaican and since my dad was absentee I didn't claim my Canadian heritage. (I have to say it sounded good when I said it back in 1989)

As the years went by most of my friends who came to my house found out that I had lied. Most of them got really mad at me because I didn't acknowledge my country. Many of them called me some nasty names, and while I know I deserved it I wasn't planning on owning up to it because if I did it would come out that I was Haitian and the name calling would begin. I was sensitive. I didn't like ridicule. I would cry when the other kids where teased, so I tried to help out whenever I saw another Haitian kid being picked on. It doesn't make the situation or lessen what I did but I tried!

By the early 90's (junior high)I was enrolled in catholic school. In my old school EVERYONE was Haitian. All of the kids that I had as friends were from Haitian parentage, so saying I was Haitian wasn't a problem. We would speak in our Haitian patois to one another and no one would make fun of us. I met up with some kids that had gone to my elementary school. Many of them were surprised to see me owning up to my Haitian culture. By the time I graduated junior high I was a full fledged "Haitian."

I started High school in the fall of 1995 and by then I loved being Haitian. It made me unique. I loved what my country stood for. When I first arrived at John Dewey I found that there was a large population of Haitian kids. As a matter of fact the 2nd floor was the Haitian floor. Most if not ALL of he Haitian kids used to have their lockers on the 2nd floor. I learned more about my culture from these kids. Many of them came (to America) later than I did and so they had stronger accents. They taught me words that I later got slapped for (thats what I got for asking questions about words that the other Haitian kids taught me) By 1996, The Fugee's came out and guess what the 2 males in the group were HAITIAN!!! YES!! FINALLY RECOGNITION!!!!

Labor Day 1996, Haiti represented HARD!! Everyone who knows about the Labor Day parade on Eastern Parkway knows that its usually the Trinidadians and the Jamaican's who hold it down. They are the ones with the biggest floats and the most craziest people. But once the Fugee's came out, ALL the Haitians came out of the woodwork (especially me) and we represented HARD!!

As I learned more and more about my county I grew to appreciate my culture more. I learned that we (yes we!! I AM CLAIMING IT, I SAID IT!! LOL) were the first to gain our independence. A slave country with no real form of leadership beat out on of the biggest empires during that time to gain its own rights. Talk about reality Check! I found out that my country though poor held so many great riches. Authors Edgar Allan Poe, and Zora Neale Hurston had traveled to Haiti. Other than Wyclef, Jean-Michel Basquiat was another prominent Haitian figure. Garcelle Beauvais, Lela Rochon.

I did my research, and with what I have learned I have found that I am proud, yes very proud to be HAITIAN. Though many don't understand us, its OK. We are glad to be who we are. I love Haitian Music. I enjoy listening to my mother talk in creole, and I enjoy telling jokes in creole.

So everyone who used to make fun of us I love each of you. For those that stood up for us during those times of beatings and swirly's thank you..

SAK PASE my people!! (Haitian Translation = WHATS UP!)

Rant!


I just had to rant! I was talking to dude "my friend" and after I had to use the ladies Asap! ( I know TMI) I have a tendency of putting my phone in my back pocket. I guess its a bad habit that will definitely die now. Well anyway, here I am about to pee-pee myself when my cell falls out of my back pocket and falls into the toilet!


AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!


This shit pisses me off. I cannot live without a cell phone (yes I'm addicted but I don't want a cure, its my crack and I love it!)


See this is what I get for talking to home boy on the phone. This is what I get for listening to him talk shit. My phone falls in to the toilet! Are you kidding me!!!! (Yes, I do reach in and get it, though its at work)


Damn it, and my insurance doesn't cover water damage!


FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!


And I didn't back up the information onto my computer!!! Shit!! This just keeps getting better and better!!


Ok, first get some alcohol and wash your hands first. Forget using the bathroom get out now! Take battery out and shake the phone. Try to see if you can get the water out. It wasn't in there for too long. Only about 2 seconds, but that's enough water damage.


Why didn't I sync my phone? WHY??? Seriously!! This is all my fault!!


DAMN!!!!!!!!


Ok, I know its a cell phone and its a possession that I was without 10 years ago, but I am with it now and I can't live without a cell phone.. (what did people do before then??)


FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!


Ok, gotta call my carrier and ask them for a new phone. Will tell them that I lost it and they'll send me another phone. I need it asap!


See, this is exactly what I get for listening to him talk shit! Good for you! You deserve it.. you should've hung up like you said you were. No, your stupid behind actually sat there and had a conversation with Ol' Boy!!!


UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mom, Haters, and other Randomness


Its the middle of the week, normally I don't have drama or stupidity running around, but today must've been bullshit Wednesday because everyone was in rare form.

While driving into work this morning, my mom and I have this disagreement about my attitude. she claims that as of late I've gotten to be so snappy with her. I don't think that I've gotten snappy, I just think that she shouldn't always be up under me to do things that I have already done. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother. She is the apple of my eye. The rock on which I have built my own foundation, but she can be the most annoying person on the face of this planet. I know some of you are probably saying, "how can you say that about your own mother?" While, there many others feel my pain because their mothers are similar to mine. So you can feel my pain. But, if you've lived with her you'd see what I meant. My mom is a caring person but she just doesn't know when to quit.

I have this priest that knows my family really well, you can say that we're practically family and she heard from my aunt that he needed to speak to me. Now, on several occasions she reminded me to call him, I can understand the first 10 times she said it, because honestly I forgot so I appreciated the reminder, but then she decided to repeat it like 30 million times in 10 minutes and that got on my nerves and I snapped at her. I actually told her to go away and leave me alone. I usually tune her out but I was already having a bad day (forgot my metro card and cell phone at home) and she just got on my last nerve so I snapped at her.

She goes and tells my cousin that I disrespected her. Though it seems minor I just hate when she does things like that. Its like she expects my cousin to reprimand me because I snapped at her. Mind you my cousin is younger than I am by 4 years, but my mother has a tendency of telling everyone my business, and that is what makes me more upset. She feels as if she should just tell her whole family what happens b/w her and I and then I have my nosey and just as annoying aunts and uncles tell me that I need to be more respectful of my mother, and that she's going to have a heart attack and its going to be because of me. Let me tell you these family members are the most two faced people at times, because they are quick to tell me how overly protective my mom is. Now, seriously how old does she think that I am? You know at almost 27 I really don't want to live at home anymore, but I do want to continue to save for my home and this is the best way I know how. My mother is a pain in my behind, and I am going to have to deal with it until the time is right. Lord God give me the strength!

That same day I decided to wear a dress to work. I have never been a big fan of dresses (predominantly because I went to catholic school and those 8 years of dress uniforms made me sick and tired of skirts and dresses totally) but lately I've been wearing them, the dress was cute if I do say so myself and I loved the way that I looked in the dress. That morning on my daily morning breakfast break, my co-worker friends FP, and K were with me we decided to go into McDonald's to grab some eats since it was only a block up from the job. As K and I were talking and laughing I noticed something out the corner of my eye, at first I brushed it off, but then I noticed that as soon as K and I walked in these two young women staring at me. As a confident woman, I pay them no mind because I know I look good, and I don't care what they have to say, but its like "what the heck are you looking at?" I am not a person who likes to confront people but I was already aggravated and I didn't want to start any drama with these young women. K, noticed these two girls starring at me and stood in front of me. She didn't want them to look at me in the way that they were and she was ready to say something if one of them decided to get out of line. These young girls didn't know who they were messing with, K, wasn't the type of person you'd want to confront, though she has a smile on her face, she's the type to kick your ass and have no remorese about it. I tend to get a little ghetto and when I do, my true West Indian self tends to come out. I was trying to keep it in, but I know these girls didn't want a real Haitian cuss out, and I looked way too cute to have a foul mouth so I swallowed what I had to say and I let those two "DUSTY BROADS" stare. K and FP and I walked out and they were still staring, talk about HI HATER!!!

Why do women have to do that? Why must they give another woman the evil eye if she looks nice in what she is wearing? Why must it always be about who looks better and if I do look nicer than you do why must you roll your eyes and suck your teeth and mumble under your breath about me. Really WOMEN WHY???? Though I received ample amounts of compliments that day on my dress, it still bothered me that those two girls were looking at me with disgust, or envy. I think it was more envy and jealousy than anything else, but it made me mad and a bit self conscious the rest of the day. As I went home I began to think about why women acted the way that they did.

Living in NY where women outnumber men 7 to 1, I can see why some women are quick to throw those jealous stares at another womans way. I can recall on several occasions where even I gave someone an evil eye, not because she looked good in an outfit, but because she looked like a mess. I admire a well put together woman. A woman that looks nice and has on clothes that fit. I can compliment a woman on her style if I see it mimics my own, but when I see a young lady dressed as if she's about to walk down the street and sell herself it makes me upset. I want to go up to a girl like that and ask why must you dress like you're almost expecting to get picked up.
Don't get me wrong, I do have some short skirts and shorts, but there is a way of wearing them and not showing off too much skin. I think that if a woman knows her size she is able to appropriately wear her clothes without looking "whorish" then its all good!

I have seen my fair share of girls with jeans that are overly tight, where the rest of the skin just hangs on top, or the shirts that are a smedium, when she knows she's an extra-large. I mean really ladies.. WHY????? Whats with the muffin tops? IF you wear a size 16 there should be no reason why you're fitting your booty in a size 12. Wear your size!! I am a plus sized woman and I LOVE MYSELF, and just cause it was made in your size doesn't mean its for you. Screw that "If you're comfortable" crap! If you can't sit in your jeans then you shouldn't put them on. If you have to lay on the bed for your jeans to fit then, um hon. get a bigger size. As women our weight fluctuates and there are times when we aren't as small as we thought we were. Ok, enough of that ramble.

And lastly on this Wednesday, I have to say that I am fed up with my "friend!" He called me this past weekend and asked if I wanted to go out and spend some quality time. Now, I should've known better and told him no, but my feelings for him got the best of me and I went with it and said yes. BIG MISTAKE! He told me that he was coming from Long Island and would be by my apartment in another hour or two, well lets just say that its Wednesday and I still haven't heard from Ol' boy! Yes, its been 4 days and NOTHING! You think I'd learn! Nope, I'm a hopeless romantic and I believe that people are good. I should just realize that he's full of shit, and move on. As the day drudged on I was exhausted and fed up with just about everyone. My boss was getting on my nerves, my mom was pissing me off, and the guy that I liked did his disappearing trick again! But, suddenly out of no where I get a call from him and he wants to act like everything is peachy. NO NIGGAH its not! ( not a fan of the word but today it is needed) Don't act like you didn't have plans with me. You would think that these red flags would be an indication that he's not available to me. I finally realized that was what it was, he must not be available because no man, can just up and disappear like that without a trace. No man! Seriously. I cut him a new one, I flung out as many F' u and go F yourself as possible . I am too through (honestly this time) and he can go scratch! Thats it. I'm finished.

This day needs to just END! This has been the worst Wednesday EVER! What is going on!

Usually my Wednesday's are dull, mainly because no one really does anything on a Hump Day. But today, it was a bit extra for me. I couldn't wait for it to be Thursday! Just couldn't wait! Thank God this day is over. Amen~

20 REALIZATIONS!!

While surfing the blogosphere I stopped by one of my favorite bloggers page. Eb-the-Celeb, she had a list of 20 things that she has come to realize. I have to admit this through me for a little spin, predominantly because I haven't really sat down to think about anything new lately. I've been so preoccupied with work, and church and other activities that I haven't had the time to sit and ponder about this life of mine and how great it is.

So, thank you Eb, because of you I've come to some thought provoking realizations!

1. I've come to realize that my legs....
look fabulous in heels. Never realized how tight my skin is

2. I've come to realize that this weekend...
should be better than last weekend.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...
I have a little bit of road rage

4. I've come to realize that i need...
to strengthen my relationship with God. I've fallen off so much!

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
my insecurities. I am learning to be more confident. New motto : Confidence is SEXY!!!!

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
I'm in the middle of a situation that I have no control over *(ditto Eb, I do concur with this one)

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...
I make stupid phone calls, that result in questions the next day

8. I've come to realize that money...
is not a want in my life, its a need

9. I've come to realize that certain people...
aren't as sincere as they portray themselves to be. They tend to try to fool others when in actuality they're fooling themselves.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be..
a procrastinator. I'm a Libra its in my nature

11. I've come to realize that I have a crush on...
this guy that I knew in college. He used to ignore me, now he's all on me. (Just don't want to let him know I'm digging him too)


12. I've come to realize that my mom...
is my everything. I am who I am because she's awesome! But, she gets on my nerves something FIERCE!!!

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is..
my crack. I can't live without it. I have lost my wallet, but have never lost my cell phone

14. I've come to realize that when I wake up in the morning...
I tend to check my phone before I even brush my teeth

15. I've come to realize that last night before i went to sleep...
I had a good cry. Sometimes crying helps!

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...
what is it about me that attracts these pitiful dudes? What is it that I put out that makes them come to me?

17. I've come to realize that my dad...
has never had the chance to tell me his side of what happened!

18. I've come to realize that when I get on myspace...
I still check my ex's page to see if he's done anything new. I'm pitiful I know

19. I've come to realize that I really want...
to finish these pre-req's for the Ph.D program!

20. I've come to realize that if I died today...

I'd be missed by so many people. My co-workers and friends really do love me! (warm tingly feeling inside)

Now, its time to really sit and think. Make some changes in my life. There needs to be some other realizations!

Talk about things that make you go hmmmmmm.....


My Turn- Tagged

YAY, my first tag!! I've never been tagged for anything since playing on the playground at my old catholic school. But, its nice to have been though about. MsKnowitall, posted some really good songs, and now its my turn to share with everyone in this blogesphere about the songs that got me moving and grooving this summer.

I try to remain as young and hip as possible with these young kids right now. I don't know if its because of my longing to return to my younger years of less responsibility and carelessness or its because I really just like the music..

The Rules
"List seven songs that you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring/summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to."

MY LIST


  1. A millie- Lil' Wayne: I have to say that I have jumped on the Lil' Wayne band wagon with that song. No matter the mix I love it. The bass, the pump of the song. I just love it, there is something about this song that begins the summer. My favorite line in the whole song is "Ok your a goon, but what's a goon to a goblin, Nothin, nothin you ain't scarin nothin


  2. Heaven Sent- Keisha Cole: I love this song, its one of those songs that you play for the person that you're with. It lets them know that they are special to you. It also reminds me of the Mary J. Blige song "Everything" that was one of my favorite songs for the summer, absolutely LOVE this song!


  3. Coconut Juice-Tyga: Yes, he's a new artist, but the bass of the song is wonderful. It just pumps you up to dance and have a good time. I love it. "Put the lime in the coconut and twist it all up!" The words say it all!


  4. Closer- Ne-yo: Is there no song from this man that I DON'T LOVE! It reminds me of SUMMER. It first starts off slow, and then the songs tremble just drops and you just have to either start voguing or you're not feeling the music. Go Ne-YO!


  5. The Way that I love you- Ashanti : I have no clue why, but LOVE this song from Ashanti. She doesn't have the best vocals but I like it


  6. Cock it up-Beenie Man: Being the true West Indian that I am. I cannot have a list that doesn't include some sort of reggae music in it! And no other artist in the reggae industry makes music bangers like Beenie Man! Mr. Moses, or The Doctor however he wants to be referred to has hit it again with this song. Now, if you've never been to a "Dance" you probably won't know this song, nor have seen the dance for this song. But, just by the title alone you should get a good idea of how the dance is done. But, to endulge you I'll let you know. You actually bend over and "cock up" your backside. The dance is somewhat "stripperish" but I just like the song. No need to do that movements if you do go out to a club, just enjoy the song. Beenie Man is like no other!COCK IT UP - BEENIE MAN
  7. Imagine Me- Kirk Franklin: No list is complete without this song! My friends from church and I were having a discussion about the way God sees us, and this song is the perfect example. Now, being the sinner that I am I know that I have many flaws and faults, but God still loves me to no end. I party, and dance, and cry and all the other things. I have gone through my fair share of depression and doubt, and self hate, but God has loved me throug it all, and if I could see myself the way God sees me then life would be great.
Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally finally I can...
Imagine me
I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
But finally I can...
Imagine me
Being strong
And not letting people break me down
You won't get that joy this time around
Can you imagine me? In a world (in a world) where nobody has to live afraid
Because of your love fears gone away
Can you imagine me?"

These are the songs of my summer. Its seems like things are going to be good. Music makes the world go round. Each song represents something. And now to pass on I am tagging!



TAGS

  1. Bougoisie-on-a Budget
  2. Eb the Celeb
  3. The Diva
  4. Jas-Man
  5. LadyNay
  6. Chubby Chocolate
  7. Kellz & Cris

You're next.. Lets see what has you jumping and dancing this summer!

I AM LIVID!!!! Ok, not as much anymore But I WAS!


I had started writing this blog a couple of days ago, and I didn't finish. I decided to re-write it after a couple of days of thought, and also it gave me time to calm down, things just seemed to get worse and worse as the days went by. As a friend of mine continually tells me, when it rains it pours.. I had to take a time out, if I had posted what I had originally was going to write I would come off sounding like the angry black woman, and lord knows that I didn't want to be portrayed as such. So here goes my blog and thought process after days of mellowing out and prayer. I'm fabulous and those who can't see it need to rush and get themselves glasses, cause I'm the bomb like TICK TICK!! (thank you lil' wayne for that line)

First off let me start off with Friday, remember that date that I had on the 27th of June. Well my blogger family, let me tell you. NOTHING happened, there was NO date. I was stood up! Yes, I was stood up! Can you believe that. Its 2008 who does that? I mean seriously!

I had gotten home after a long day at work. I was looking forward to hanging out with my "friend" because this date would be the tell all tale of what we were going to be. I wanted him to know that I was interested but I didn't want to come off desperate. So, when I got home I did the routine maintenance that women usually take when they prepare for a date. I groomed my legs and underarms because I was planning on wearing a sleeveless top and how embarrassing would it be to go out and have hairy pits. Say it with me people YUCK! So I got to shaving and cleaning and showering. Used Shea butter because I didn't want that ash effect later on that evening. I tend to get ashy as the night went on and Shea butter tends to keep the ash at bay.

My girlfriend calls me asking if I had begun to prep myself. Now, as the typical Libra, I am a born procrastinator. I always wait till the last minute to do things, but tonight I decided to be ahead of the game. I had gotten out my outfit and laid it on my bed because I didn't want to keep him waiting. How rude would that be. I chose a favorite pair of brown pumps that I don't wear (I wore them once and they are so beautiful that I wear them sparingly) Since, he's a tall individual I wanted some height, so the pumps were a good look. I decided to wear shorts black (yes I have thick thighs, but I don't care. My legs look nice in some shorts and pumps) and a brown neck tied shirt. My black and brown clutch to finish off the look. I was ready to go! All set, now just had to wait on him. I didn't have to do my hair because it was in braids. So I just pulled back some and pinned it in this cute style that I tend to do. My makeup was light but right. Smelled good, I dabbed on some of my favorite perfume (Lolita Lempicka) behind my ears and my wrist and my neck.

The time was 9, and the movie was suppose to start at 10:30. It gave him ample time to get to me and for us to drive to the city (Manhattan, for all you non-New Yorkers). I didn't want to seem over anxious so I didn't call and ask what time he was going to come (in hindsight maybe I should've) I just sat in my living room, waiting. 9 turned to 10 that turned to 11 that turned to 1. Pissed off was an understatement for what I was. I think that if he had eventually came I would've picked him up and flung him somewhere but he never did, nor did he call. I called him and surprise, surprise, it went to voicemail!

Me: Hey, whats up? Um, I just called to ask if you forgot about our meeting tonight. Its 1:20 am and I just wanted to know. ( stopped there and deleted the message, I sounded so desperate, and needy.. Oh no he was not going to get that from me! Definitely not)

I got undressed and went to bed. (Lord, give me strength not to call him in the morning and cuss his ass STINK.. I am such a West Indian!!!)

The next day I waited on him to call me. I waited and waited. NOTHING! I wasn't going to call him. I wasn't going to..I refused to, I was the one that was stood up, he had to call me and give me an explanation as to why I was home and not out watching a movie on Friday night! I am going to hold it down and NOT CALL HIM! I filled my day with errands and other odds and ends that I needed to do.

Sunday came and STILL NOTHING! In my mind I was like WTF??? Did he seriously forget about me? Or is he hurt somewhere? I'd feel like shit if he was hurt and I was here making a scene about being stood up when he was in the hospital or something worse! So I broke down and called him. The phone call went to voicemail

Me: Hey you! (trying not to sound both annoyed and pissed off) What's up? I haven't heard from you in a couple of days, just making sure that you're OK. Give me a call, when you can.

Sunday came and went and nothing. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, ( I started to really get nervous. I hadn't heard from him at all) Friday comes, I get a text from his sister.

Friend Sister: Hey, what time is your bbq?
Me: Its starting at 7, but knowing how haitians are you know we don't get it started till about 9.
Friend Sister: Ok, just wanted to know.
Me: Um, how's your brother? I haven't heard from him. Is he OK.
Friend Sister: Yeah, he's fine. Just going through somethings right now, he's keeping to himself
Me: Oh, OK. Just making sure he wasn't hurt some where. Oh, is he coming with you?
Friend Sister: No, he had something to do with a friend of his. But he may come and pick me up
Me: Ok, I'll see you later
Friend Sister: Yeah, def.

OH HELL NO! This idiot was fine. He was alive.... HELL NO! He couldn't be alive. Its been about a week since I've heard from and he had the nerve to be Ok, and not in a ditch somewhere... I don't think so. She must be mistaken, he must be in the hospital.

I know I sound insane and really mad, and truth is I was. I was LIVID!

Disclaimer: Angry Black Woman rant about to happen, please do not hold it against me!

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE. THIS IDIOT KNEW I WANTED TO GO OUT WITH HIM AND HE DIDN'T HAVE THE BALLS TO CALL ME AND TELL ME THAT HE COULDN'T MAKE IT, AND NOW ITS 8 DAYS LATER AND STILL NO PHONE CALL! WHAT THE HELL DOES, OR RATHER WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS. HE WASN'T ALL THAT FLY ANYWAY! DOES HE NOT KNOW WHO HE STOOD UP! HE WAS OK, AND JUST GOING THROUGH SOME THINGS, WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE WAS HE! I AM TOO THROUGH! NO MORE, I WOULD RATHER REMAIN HIS FRIEND IF HE WAS GOING TO TREAT ME THIS WAY! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! OK, I feel better


So, the weekend comes and I am running around, handling things because my mom, had gone to Haiti on vacation and I wanted to have her things in and prepped before she came back. She called me and asked if everything was Ok. Naturally she asks for him, because my mom is a nosey Haitian and wants to know everything. I tell her that I'll speak to her when she gets home. She says, to me in her very thick Haitian accent "Tell me, he don't call you?" I say to her "MOM, I'll speak to you when I pick you up from the airport!" We hang up and I get angry again because I still haven't heard from him.

Monday, I get back to work. Regular Monday, work, work and more work. At about 3 in the afternoon I go downstairs to the shipping office to shoot the shit with my friends. It helps the day go by quicker. At about 3:30 I head back upstairs and notice that I have a missed call. I look at the phone thinking it was my cousin confirming our meeting for after work. But, it wasn't her. It was HIM! He called me from work, and left a voicemail

I check my voicemail and he says "Hey, its me. Give me a call when you get this."

I call his job back and ask his co-worker to speak to him. When he picks up the phone he has this almost nonchalant attitude. This makes me mad instantly. I have never been this angry with one person. Ok, I'm lying. Ivory made me mad especially after our breakup but that's another story in itself. But, this guy who I thought I was interested just got my blood pressure to go up in 3 seconds (OMG, I am becoming my mother, with her blood pressure stories)

ME: Hey what's up? I got your message
HIM: Hey, nothing much. I have to talk to you.
ME: Yeah, what's is going on?
HIM: Its, just somethings that have been going on.
ME: Alright, are things Ok? Anything bad happened?
HIM: Um, actually I can't talk cause I'm at work but tonight I'll definitely call and we'll speak. I need to tell you somethings.

We hang up. I go back to my desk and wonder and ponder on what he may have to tell me later on that night. I am curious? Is he going to tell me that he has someone and just couldn't tell me (I've been here before so nothing is impossible) I go through the rest of the day with the thought of what he going to tell me looming in the back of my mind. I decide to go and visit my friend Dre. He knows how to make my day better, though he sometimes gets under my skin with his corny, and I do mean CORNY jokes, I go to him for comic relief and some male perspective on this situation.

Dre tells me that homeboy must've had someone on the side and just didn't want to tell me. He claims that homeboy might've wanted to tell me but couldn't because he had a fear of losing me as a friend and a potential interest. I think its a crock of shit, but I tell Dre that I see his point and just continue to listen while him and his friend have idle banter about life and women! They sometimes forget that I am a woman, and I have to remind them that there is estrogen in the room, and to not fully generalize all women (but that's another blog story)

Time passes and guess what NO phone calls. Not one. Where was the explanation? What happened to I got to tell you what happened? See, just like I told Dre, LOAD OF SHIT!!!

I have come to the conclusion that I am way too good for this. I know most of you are probably going to scratch you head and go DUH.. but its my revelation to myself that I am way too good for this dude. What the heck was I thinking, when I wondered if he and I could go from being just friends to "interested lovers?"

Seriously, what was on my biscuit? As the days rolled by I found myself wondering and pondering less and less about him. Even when he called (which was sparingly, in comparison to when I first met him) I find myself just talking with him, and having no feelings. Its like he's just another guy that I know that I can talk to. Its only been about a week and half since the whole "stood up fiasco" but I'm Ok. I can deal.

This is the summer, just the beginning of it too. There will be other prospects and nothing is impossible. I am not going to limit myself to one individual, and an unworthy individual at that. I am no longer upset, nor annoyed. I'm too through, WHATEVER TREVOR!



TGIF


Friday, finally!!! I am so glad that the weekend is here. Time to relax unwind and catch a flick or two. Tonight is my date with my "friend" and I hope it goes well. I have the perfect outfit and the perfect set of heals (dude is 6'3, I need the height) we are going to go and see "Wanted" I have been so anxious to see this movie. I love me some Angelina Jolie. Work went well, had a small altercation with this one porter and had to put him in his place.

D, has an issue with my co-worker friend FP, and since FP and I are friends, D doesn't like me. Most people at the job would find this odd because I am such a nice person. Seriously, anyone who meets me cannot say one bad thing about me, well other than that I am overly hyper for a person my age. But D, doesn't seem to like me one bit. That's OK though, because I am not going to be liked by everyone, and that's OK. D, is what people around my neck of the woods would call 7:30, meaning he's kind of crazy. I don't know how that works out for time but in the hood that's what they call a crazy person. So, D, had to pick up the garbage from my office, I saw him walk in talk his idle chatter with my co-workers, then he just left. OH NO, he didn't just do what I thought he did..IMPOSSIBLE, did he just have the audacity? Yes he did, he had the audacity to pick up everyone else's but mine. I knew he was going to do that, but I was giving him the opportunity to prove me wrong. Unfortunately he didn't and left the office. I could've left it alone and not even bothered, but my trash was overflowing from the previous days papers, and I had to say something

If you know me, you would know that I am not a confrontational person. I don't bicker, I don't beef with people. I'm usually happy go lucky, but I had to check that at the door when it came to messing with Mr. 7:30. He had, had an altercation with a co-worker friend of mine, and just because I am friends with that person he decides to hold a grudge against me. I am fine by that, I wasn't made to be liked by everyone. It happens, not everyone is going to befriend me. I have come to accept that. But he was going to get a piece of my mind. I marched downstairs to where the porters were and saw him. I took him to the side and started telling him as I thought it was. I knew I caught him off guard because he looked stunned. Never has anyone heard me be mean or get it out with anyone at the job. Its not of my character, but he made me step outside of myself today with his antics. My other co-worker friend Drea had to come outside her office and ask what was going on. She couldn't believe it. She tells me later that it was a shocker to hear me talk the way I was talking because it was so unlike me, and she knew that if I was talking this way, that something had to be wrong. I told her and she said to be the bigger person and leave it alone.

By the end of the afternoon I was better, I had gotten over the mornings fiasco, I was beginning to be a bit apprehensive of the evenings plans. But I knew it was going to be the deal breaker. The make or break part of the whole "friendship!"

I'll let you all know what happened! Keep your fingers crossed that I cross over that threshold of being "homegirl" to "love interest"

Confident Woman



I was hanging out with a friend the other night and we were talking about traits in the opposite sex that we find to be very attractive. I gave him my list of what I found to me most sexy in a man. Number one was a sense of style. I like a man to be able to dress well, it doesn't have to be name brand designer wear, but man that can work what he wears no matter where he bought them from. Another attraction of mine is smell, I LOVE a good smelling man. He can come from a hard days work, but if he smells just as he did when he first left home I am so head over heals for him, and of course an INTELLIGENT man. I love a man that can stimulate my mind. A man that can converse with me on a multitude of levels and keep my interest without boring me.

I then asked my friend what he found to be sexy in a woman. And the first thing out of his mouth was a woman who was confident. Knowing my friend I thought it was going to be something shallow but he said "confidence" that wasn't something that I didn't expect him to say, normally he'd say oh big breasts or a fat ass, but he is actually taking our conversation seriously and said CONFIDENCE. Then he randomly listed what he thought made a woman attractive. In addition to confidence my friend said that he found an intelligent woman attractive, a woman who was goal orientated and motivated to move forward. A woman who would be right next to him as he made his way up the ladder of life, and not a woman who was going to hold him back ( I thought this couldn't be my friend, impossible, I have NEVER heard him talk this way, I almost wanted to tear up because he was finally growing up.) He said he loved a take charge type of woman, and a woman who could both hang with the men and the women, and knew how to transition between the two.

I had to ask him what kind of confidence was he speaking of? He stated that he didn't like the conceit kind of confidence nor the arrogant type, but when a woman was sure of who she was and knew that she had a sense of self pride and awareness. So I began to wonder, how can a woman be confident? Or rather what makes a confident woman?

Growing up, I was never the most confident young lady. I think it was due to the fact that I was always made fun of. Always, the darkest, and the shortest and lastly the roundest. Always will be the chunky girl of the group. Most of my teenage years were spent wondering if I was as pretty like my light skinned skinny friends, but as I got older I grew into my skin. I love all the fullness of my thighs and the deep arch of my back. I like that my arms are full and that my face is round, yet and still confidence wasn't there. Its taking me some time to shed those years of torment, but I'm learning. Some co-workers of mine say that I exude a sense of confidence about me, but in actuality its because I love to take pictures, and having supervisors who are also photographers is an added bonus. So that's why I am always in front of the camera. But, back to being confident.

How can someone who isn't confident learn to become confident? While doing some research (women and self confidence) I found that low self-confidence is learned and sometimes it takes unlearning the learned that can help you break out of your shell. It takes a lot of time and determination for a person, especially a woman to learn to become confident. BUT How do you go about learning to become a more confident woman or what makes a confident woman confident? What attributes must a woman posses for her to be considered confident?

Many of the women that I have come into contact with, who I think have that flair of confidence always stand tall. They never slump or hunch their backs. They are proud women. Women, who are educated and know where they are going in life. So I think a confident woman Stands Tall through everything. Though she maybe having a horrible day she will not show it to anyone. She will be as strong as if nothing has happened.

Another attribute that I deem as confidence is attitude. I think for a woman to be confident she needs to have a confident attitude. Not saying that you have to be a jerk and talk down to others, but have an attitude that shows that you're aware of who you are and what you stand for. The confident woman with an attitude doesn't apologize for her stand on anything, she doesn't make excuses for it either. She tells it as it is and its up to you to determine how you're going to take it.

The confident woman, will be able to take criticism from anyone, including her signficant other or her superior and not break a sweat. The confident woman, understands that sometimes she isn't right, but she's not going to show any signs of weakness to anyone, even though it is her spouse or lover.

There are so many things that go into being confident. I am on my way there. There is so much to learn about being confident. I am taking each step to making myself the most confident woman I know. Joyce Meyer, writes a book on how to throw away insecurities. I think I am going to invest in it. ABC News took an excerpt from the book. :



  • The confident woman know that she's loved.

  • The confident woman refuses to live in fear.

  • The confident woman avoids comparisons.

  • The confident woman does not say "If only" and "What if"

  • Ways to become confident:

  • Break away from other's expectations.

  • Learn to cope with criticism.

  • Have an opinion.

  • Refuse to pretend.

I am taking these little thing and adding them to my everyday life. Ladies, if you're looking for that extra something to make you more confident, look into these little things, it seems to make a world of difference.

Frustration


I think I've had my breaking point when it comes to the opposite sex. I think that I am just going to call it quits for a while and just take it easy. I know that sometimes a woman must do what she needs to, to get what she wants but I think that there needs to be a happy medium when it comes to certain things.


I have been trying to get myself out of the friend zone with the guy that I am interested in. I have been making the conscious effort to actually talk to him and to see if he wants to be more than just friends, but it seems that now I am the persuer instead of the persuee.. I don't like to chase men, I don't think that I need to. I think I've dropped enough hints and "dimes" for him to know that I am interested in taking this farther than just the friend roll.. But I think that he is either ignoring me or he is really dense which would be a turn off for me anyway.


I called mr. "Friend Zone" and asked him out to dinner. In hopes that this would open the doors of communication. I was thinking that maybe if I asked him out on a date that he'd see that I was looking to step outside of the "Friend Zone" box and maybe start something. I feel like I'm the man in this but I don't care. I wanted this guy to know that I was interested so I'm going to put myself out there.


Me: Hey you, whats up? How was your day?

Him: Eh, long boring day, you know how it goes

Me: Um, so I wanted to know if you weren't busy on Friday (the 27th), maybe we could go out and grab some eats?

Him: Yeah, that sounds good. You know where you'd wanna go?

Me: Uh, yeah there's this cool place in Williamsburg called Sea, wanna go there

Him: Yeah, sounds good.

Me: So Friday it is?

Him: Yeah, sounds good.


That happened a week ago, and homeboy has yet to call me back! Ok, I know I sound a bit much but I was hoping that he'd call me back to confirm our date or whatever. Though its the beginning of the week I think he'd want to make sure that the plans were still on. I don't like this feeling. I feel like I have lost all control of myself. As a woman who sometimes, ( I used the word sometimes very loosely) has composure I'm trying not to call him and ask him whats up. The rational side of me says that "Hey he remembered and is just going to wait it out till Friday and meet to go out." Then, there is the irrational side of me that says, " Woman if you don't call him and see if he is dating some next chick and you make an ass out yourself thinking that he remembered Friday." UGH, I hate this up and down roller coaster that I have to deal with when dating.


Living in NY is not easy. The men here are so hard to come by. Ok, let me rephrase that, the GOOD MEN are hard to come by. I usually meet the guys that I have no interest in. The ones that are unmotivated, uncoordinated, and unreliable... ALL UNATTRACTIVE! You really don't run into well spoken, well dressed, ambitious young men who aren't out to just screw you every chance they get, in NY. I think this guy suits my character. He's ambitious, and goal oriented, and most importantly he's GOD FEARING... I love a man who knows the WORD! But, again I am placed in the FRIEND ZONE, because of my love for sports and anything that is usually male dominated! I don't want to call him, I REFUSE to call him. He knows that I asked him out so I am thinking (yes I know its assuming, but I really don't want to show that I am making an ass out of myself) that he maybe waiting for me to call him back with confirmation of our "pseudo-date." Why can't he call me? Why can't he make sure that its still on?
I'm beginning to think that this was not a good idea, and that I am just wasting my time and that I should just move on with myself and not worry.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (ok, I feel better)

Friend Zone


Question? Have you ever been placed in the "friend zone" after you've started talking to a guy that you found to be interesting? What I mean is, you and a guy that you like, and by like I mean you want to get to know on a more personal level begin to talk on a regular basis, the conversations are stimulating and you're able to converse with him about a multitude of things. You and him talk about sports and cars and all the things that "guys" like and all of a sudden you see that the passion that was there has started to dwindle and that the person that you used to like has become a good male friend instead of a love interest.


This has happened to me on several occasions. There would be a guy that I like and he would have the greatest conversation skills. We would begin to talk and then the question of things that I liked to do would come up. I would tell him and when the topic of sports came up he would automatically go insane because I knew stats and other things that most of my female friends wouldn't know. This would lead to hours and hours of conversation which I thought was a good thing, until weeks pass by and the getting to know you and dates no longer come up and all of a sudden your conversations begin and end with trash talk.
There was this one guy that I started talking to and he would talk to me everyday. I thought it was going good because of the constant conversations, but at the end he would tell me that reminded him of his friend instead of a girl that he was interested in. This pisses me off so much. I get so upset with it because of the fact that I was looking for someone to be with instead of someone to add to my friends list. I don't need anymore male friends. I don't need anymore guys to add to my friends list. If that was what I was looking for there would be no reason for me to give you my phone number. But, unfortunately enough for me that wasn't what happened!
I had to really get to the bottom of this situation because if this continued I'd have a multitude of male friends instead of a real boyfriend. I had to ask one of my many male friends what the deal was.
Me : Dre why don't guys want to be with me in a girlfriend way after I tell them I'm into sports?
Dre: Because you're not a real girl
Me: WTF????
Dre: Seriously, the reason is because in the beginning the guy just wanted to have sex with you, but when he realized that you were so cool they don't want to take advantage of you
Me: Are you serious?
Dre: Yeah, guys are like this. If he was interested before he just probably wanted to just sleep with you but after he started talking to you and getting to know you and found that you had a brain and knew sports his instant erection went away and he doesn't want to do that, cause you're a nice girl. Someone he could watch the game with, and not get distracted
Me: hmmmmm, thanks dre
Why is that if a female can talk the same things a guy can and is interested in a lot of the same things that he is, why must she be placed in the friend zone. How do you get yourself out of being put in the friend zone. Many of my female friends have not ever been put in the friend zone. They have never had to deal with the rejection that I had to endure because of my love for quarters and innings and periods. Many of them had never had to have the talk about just being friends.
Was this just happening to me? This is not possible. There is no way that I was the only one that was placed in the "friend zone" I don't believe that I was the only one. I asked my friend KP and she let me know that she was also put in the friend zone a couple of times. This had to be some kind of parallel universe. My friend KP was an awesome woman, why would any guy put her in the friend zone. I'm a bit upset because this guy that I was talking to I wanted to be with and thought that something was really going to happen, but instead I'm in the friend zone. UGH, life..this sucks

Name meaning

Wow, 2 posts in one day. This is new for me. I have to thank my blogger friend eb the celeb for having this because I had to find out about myself. I have to admit this is so on point. Soooo me!







What Nelly Means

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.



You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.







Now for my real name. The name that my mother gave me. I think that these people have met me because this is uncanny. I can't believe how much a name relates to a person.

What Yves-Nelly Means
You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

You are very hyper. You never slow down, even when it's killing you.
You're the type of person who can be a workaholic during the day... and still have the energy to party all night.
Your energy is definitely a magnet for those around you. People are addicted to your vibe.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.



You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.



You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.