Goodbye 2007

With this last post of 2007 I would just like to bid farewell to this year of misery, well it wasn't totally miserable but, it wasn't my most happiest of years. I've had years that I could relive, and this year wasn't one of them. I'd like to start 2008 on a brighter note. A happier and much more satisfied note. I have some resolutions that I will post when we're in 2008. But with this final post I'd like to say thank you to blogger and all my new blog buddies.. I am having so much fun posting and reading your posts. (Opinionated Diva, HoneyLibra, girlspoke,Miss-Stress, to name a few )I am learning to let somethings go and venting on here is my way of doing it. Thanks for the comments on the blogs that I write. In 2008 expect more of my life to posted on here.

I want to say a big thank you to my blog buddy MsKnowItAll. She's the one that introduced me to blogger if it wasn't for her I would just keep everything inside. Love you to a million peaces.. LadyNay I am glad to see that you're pursuing the same dream that I am.. I hope to be as successful as you are. Yazmar, I love reading your celebrity gossip.. I live vicariously through you.

Happy New Year to everyone.. Please be safe, cause there are some crazy people out there. And we'll speak again in 2008

GOOD RIDDANCE to 2007.. and HELLO to 2008!!!! YAY!!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all.. I hope everyone got what they wanted from Santa. I can say that I got all that my heart desired and more because I had my family and my friends to share with me the wonderful times. As the year comes to a close I have to say that this year had been one of ups and downs, a lot of difficult times for me. Believe me when I say it is things that you could only see in the movies. Though I walk around with a smile on my face I am a person who is in constant thought, and sometime those thoughts aren't happy thoughts, but I try not to let them get me down. I am thankful for so many things.

1st. My relationship with God.
God, is my foundation. He is my source of life and love. Though I fall a thousand times, I know that he is there to help me up and make me into a better person. There is nothing that I can do alone, but with him I can do it all

2nd My mother.
My Haitian born mother is my rock. Though she gets on my last nerve, I wouldn't trade her in for anything. She has made me who I am. I am strong willed in Christ because of her, but I am also lenient and understanding because she isn't. My mom, isn't like me, though we look alike we don't have the same qualities, and I thank God for that... though she's a wonderful person, life experiences have made her a little bitter, but she's shown me that I don't have to be like her and to learn to let things go, though she hasn't learned to do it yet

3rd My aunts and uncles and cousins
I do not have any siblings my cousins are like my brothers and sisters, they are there for me during my most insane times. They have my best interest at heart and they are sometimes like my alter ego. My aunts are my mother's clone, they do the same as she, if not a bit more, and my uncles are there to take place of my non-existent father. They keep me grounded, in check sort to speak. My aunts tell me of their experiences in life and love and with that I take it and try not to make the same mistakes, though I tend to fall I know that they're there for me.

4th my friends.
My friends, all of them are great.. I thank God for all of them. Those who at work, and those who've I've known for years. I can come to them and tell them of my problems, and they give me their advice. They aren't one to judge me. My friends that I have rekindled friendships with I am very happy about. Because, life experiences shouldn't hold us back from growing together, and real friends always find a way back to one another... My very close friends at work are there to make the day go by. They make me laugh when I'm sad, they know what to say to me to make me smile. They give you the best compliments when I get dressed. They tell me when I look like a hot mess and when I need to get my hair done. They give me opinions on the guys that I date (FP) and they encourage me to talk to the ones who I like despite how shy I am. (KR & CB) I love them deeply and I want us to be friends forever

Last and least.
My past relationships (all that count! Friends and Boyfriends) I want to thank these people because they have helped me cherish those who are still in my life. My past friends that I don't talk to are just that, people that I don't talk to and I'm glad that they are no longer in my life. They were holding me back from growing and with no growth there is no progress.. I don't need not to advance so thank you for leaving and saving room for those who count. To my past boyfriends, I want to thank you the most because it is because of you I know what I don't want. You have helped me establish a level of respect that I have for myself, and if it wasn't for our bad relationship I wouldn't have known this.. Thank you very much for being such an asshole that I can now be with someone whose going to appreciate me and help me grow and not keep me back.

2008 is just around the corner and there are so many things that I want to accomplish. I am going to get them done. I raise my glass of wine (red, dry MERLOT) to 2008. Hopes of love, and friendship and most importantly GROWTH

Damn, it was just a dream!

Have you ever had one of those dreams that you could swear is so real, but when you awake you realize that it was just a dream? I've been having these reoccuring dreams about this very cute guy that works at my job. He's very handsome in every sense of the term. Tall, regal, well learned and suave. He has the nicest set of teeth, nothing to me is more attractive than a man with nice teeth. He smells like a man too, and ladies know what I mean when I say that he smells like a man. He has the swagger of a man twice his age though he's only 24. He's street savvy and business minded, and I think that is what attracts me to him most. We say our cordial hello's when we bump into one another. And at times we have nice little conversations. I love to see him smile, he has the cutest dimples. I just want to put my finger in his cheek its so deep. Though I want to tell him that I think I may like him, I keep it to myself for fear of rejection (I'm working on that little tid bit). But lately I've been having these dreams, and I mean really good dreams too, and they all seem to have him in it. I am not complaining, not in the least, but I wonder why it is that I am having them. The psychologist in me says that it is because I have a secret longing for him and until it it resolved I'm going to continue having them. The other side of me says its nothing and I need to enjoy the dreams cause they are as close to action as I'm ever giong to get right now.

So back to the dream. In the dream we were walking and talking at my job ( I work in a very public place) and all of a sudden he just grabs me by the pants and pulls himself closer to me and lets just say what happens next is way beyond rated R. More like XXX. A lot of twisting, and grinding and pulling, and noise. There was so much stuff happeneing that I really thought that it was happening for real. This could not be a dream. There is no way that I'm sleeping right now, NO WAY, because this feels way too real. I wake up from my dream and I'm panting and sweating and I feel like it actually happened? No way!!! It was it a dream!!! IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!!I've been on a long hiatus of coital pleasure and this is the most action I've had in a very long while so it was greatly appreciated. And I do mean greatly.

Damn this dream, as I was getting ready for work I had constant flash backs of my dream that made me smile. As I was getting ready to leave I heard this song that I love by Mary J Blige. The song was one of my favorites it was like the people at the radio station knew what was going on with me and they decided to play my song. This song just went so well with my dream, well not fully but it did have some significance with my dream. As I got to work I couldn't help but smile when I saw him walk by today. My little secret, my dream, my fantasy

Mary J Blige's -" A dream." It was a simple fantasy that I wish was reality... and, the music stopped and in a flash I was all alone, it was just a dream...

Thanks Mary, that song came in handy!

I've forgiven and I've forgotten

Can you really forgive and forget? Some say its easier to forgive than to forget, and I would have to agree. But, while thinking it through and clear, I began to ask myself, how can you really forgive someone and still remember what they did.. have you really forgiven them if you can recall exactly what it is that they have done to you? I say in certain situations you can forgive a person and forget, especially if it really wasn't that serious.

I have this friend, she was like a sister to me when we were in High School. We would be together all the time. She called my mother mom, and I did the same with her mom. We were insperable. As she went off to college we still remained friends. She got together with this guy and I was still around. Though at times I felt a little uncomfortable being the third wheel on many of their dates, I still stuck it out because she was my friend, my best friend, and I wanted to be there for her when she needed me.. add to that we went places that I really wanted to go. So as we grew older we became a little distant. I guess that's what happens when life takes you in different directions. But, then something petty happend and we stopped being friends all together. She says that it was because she felt that I didn't want to be around her any more and I felt like it was because she was she wasn't my center anymore. Prior to that her and my mom had a falling out. She said she felt like my mom disrespected her but I think it was a miscommunication cause I was there. She didn't even invite my mom to her engagement party. I thought that was total disrespect because my mom knew you before you were engaged to this man. And if it was me that had done that, bet believe that I'd have had an earful of words. Anywho, we went for 2 plus years not uttering a word to one another. Her mother even stopped speaking to me. She actually told me to talk to the hand one morning when I went to kiss her hello. ( In my country that is straight disrespect and cause for a straight kick ass but she's my elder and I don't disrespect those who are older than I am) Our other best friend, tried to get us to talk to one another before she got married. That same year I was graduating from college and she wanted things to be smoothed out before any of those things happened. And like two stubborn children we didn't utter one word to one another.

Marriage came and went. By the way the wedding was held in my church. The church that I introduced her to (no grudge) and also people from MY ministry danced. So, now its the end of 06 and I'm more in touch with God, and I come across these scriptures (Ephesians 4:3232 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
Colossians 3:1313 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye) I figured the time was right to bury the hatchet and move on with our lives. Many of my family members who knew her were telling me that I was right to make up with her but not to forget what it is that happened. But how can I forgive her if I continually remember?

So now its the end of 2007 and we've been friends since that time when I made up with her (yes I went to her and spoke to her about it) Thought its not the same we're really cool with one another. Now she is pregnant and about to have her first child. She has asked me to be the god-mother of her son. I said yes to it. My family members disagree and call me foolish for being that nice and trustworthy, but as a woman who tries to be as christ like as possible how can I not forgive and let go. I prayed on this many times, and God has kept me here. I have always asked for guidance and direction and God has never let me down and I don't think that this is when he'd start.

My co-worker friend tells me that she decided to do this because she wants to make up for not having me at her wedding. My mom was livid about this because she feels like I'm too soft and I don't have a backbone to say no, and its a slap in the face because I wasn't invited to the wedding and now I am asked to be god-mother. My cousin says that its because I just want to be a god-mother that I said yes ( I have a god-daughter.. she's 7) My other cousin said that she understands and whatever decision I make is solely my own.

I say this, I have chosen to be the god-mother of this child because its what I want to do. I do not have to answer to anyone other than God, and if you don't like it then its fine. I do what I want to do. I don't need a million and one people trying to be my conscience. I know what I'm doing. Yes, I know that being a god-parent is a very big deal, and that I've become part of this family. I completely understand this, and I take full responsiblity for anything that happens, I am ready for it. I can forgive and forget. I can move on. It has taken me time and I can deal with it. I am dealing with the forgive and forget of other people who have hurt me. And just like this relationship I'll learn to move on and no stress it.

I can forgive, and just keep harboring those painful memories. Or I can forget and move on and become a better person for myself. I think I'll choose the latter, and if there comes a time when I can't forget I'll be sure to let you know.

So many thoughts so little accomplished

How do I want to be remembered when I die? That is the question on my mind this morning. As I was commuting into the city from my apartment in Brooklyn I had this thought running through my head. "How do I want to be remembered when I die?" I don't know why death was on my mind but it just was, though it wasn't the main factor for this morning's blog, its in my head none the less and I thought that I should just touch upon it. This all began because I had an argument this morning with my mother about a friend of mine, or rather a rekindled friendship that has gotten under her skin, but that's another blog. So, as I'm making my morning commute I look up at one of the posters on the subway wall and I see something that made me think. The poster is showing the accomplishments of these young women who attend the City University of New York (which I also attend), and what they are doing.
I began to think about my own accomplishments in my 26 years of being on this planet. I can't think of anything relevant, I begin to ask myself why haven't I done anything substantial in this life of mine? Why is it that I can't be like one of those young ladies who are doing something. I ask my cousin, who by the way is traveling with me if at times she feels like she doesn't work to her utmost potential? She says yes, and I tell her that I feel the same way. I wish that I could be more diligent and hard working and make positive influences in my community. Why couldn't I be one of those students who worked hard to get things done? Why was I a slacker (for lack of a better term)?
As I got off the train and began walking to the building I saw someone that reminded me of this former co-worker of mine who passed away a year ago, and this is where the "how do I wan to be remembered when I die" question came from. She was a nice woman; from what I can remember of her, but I didn't get to know her outside of work. I wonder what her family would say about her? How did she influence them? Who else other than her family can say nice things about her? Did she use all the gifts God had granted her? Was she selfless and understanding to others wants and needs?
So, then I started to wonder about myself. If I was to die tomorrow what would people say about me? I had to ask "How do I want people to remember me?" When I am being put to rest and my eulogy is being read what are they going to say about me? Have I done God's will? Have I been a good person? Was I there for those who needed me? Was I giving, and selfless? The questions just seem to be never ending. I don't want to be remembered as a person who wasted her time here on earth doing nothing than just living. I don't want to be a person who has nothing to show for her time here and wasting all my God given talents and abilities. Even if I don't reach the masses, if I can influence one person then I know that my life wasn't a waste and that I've touched one person who will in turn touch someone else because of me.
The thought of death has always seemed to inspire a lot of people to make some decisions in their life and I think I may be added onto that list. If I was to go right now I want to be remembered as someone who was willing to give her shirt off her back for someone else's comfort. I think I need a total make-over. A life altering change is about to take place...


Living and working a city like NY has it ups and its downs. I love my city, believe me when I say this, because I really do love it here! From the different languages that you hear walking down 5th ave, to the lights that you see in midtown, to the tourists that are just enthralled by what they see when they come to the city. But, then there is a down side to living here. NYC Transit.. UGH...The transit system is sometimes the worst it will ever be, there isn't a time where I can say that I loved taking mass transportation in NY. I hate being on the train during rush hour, everyone is pushin and pulling and just making things worse, and add to that many of these people do not smell as fresh as they did earlier on in the morning (but that is another story.)

Yesterday was the worst commute from my job in midtown to the school I attend in Brooklyn in all of the years I've been commuting. There I was rushing to hand in this project that I waited till the last minute to do so that I could hand it in to my professor on time. I got on the train after a long and tedious day at the job, and the trains are all f'd up! At first I thought it would've been a minor delay as with all the other times but low and behold yesterday was just the worst of the I was stuck on a crowded train for over 2 hours. Though I had a very cute guy standing next to me the whole entire time it did nothing to pacify my rage that I was going to be extremely late to my class.

Then, to make matters worse there was a lady who could not stop fidgeting she just kept on going and going. I really wanted to turn around and slap her in the back of her head but my morals and respect for my elders helped me to just ignore it. Why do people insist on being such idiots. Its like there is a code of stupidity that they must abide by. Its not like she didn't know the train is crowded, she was standing in between 3 people and they couldn't move either, but she made it her business to huff and puff and fidget with her book and her bag and make the whole experience 10 times worse than it already was for me. The cute guy that stood beside me glanced down every couple of seconds, though I said nothing (because I'm chicken shit) I knew he was looking at my ipod that had I purposely took out and began playing music video's on. He smelled good too, he had on some Jean-Paul Gautier... and if its on thing I love about a man its the fact that he smells good.

Finally, after standing for what felt like an eternity we began to move and so did fidget lady. She bumped me with her bag, jabbed me with the corner of her book. It took all the Jesus I had in me not to just turn around and shake the shit out of her and ask her why must she continue to bump and fidget on a crowded train. I had to use all the love of Jesus I had in me to just ignore her, I had to use it that and the fact that I didn't want to look like a total asshole with that cute guy standing next to me. But I finally fidgety fidget got off the train and I got to my destination.. it only took me 2 and a half hours to get there.. what a way to end an already never ending day.. ALL I have to say is that NYC transit is never going any one's way

My bakers dozen....

For the longest time I've been on this lose weight issue. Its been an up and down battle for me to be consistant with it, but yesterday my younger cousin and I decided to wake up and take our lazy butts to the gym. The night before we went out and partied at this local club that a friend of ours rented for the night. Needless to say that I had a few to drink, but it was there that I put it to mind that I am going to do something about this weight that I continue to put on since I was about 14 years old.
I saw a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in a while at the venue and she looked really good. I mean really really good. She was telling me that she just became so determined with working out and eating right and she kept to it and she lost the weight. I began to wonder if I can actually stay with this whole regimen without quitting? I have a habit of working out like a mad woman when I know I have a vacation coming up. I'll be in the gym for months on end working out till I catch cramps and pull tendons and what not just to look right in a bathing suite, but as soon as the vacation is over I just sit back down in front of the T.V. and gain back the weight that I fought hard to take off. I have gotten so comfortable being this size (16 to be exact) that I just gave up, but I still continually sulk and wonder how come I can't lose weight.
Before getting the sedentary job that I have now I was active and was a nice size 12. It was one of the happiest moments of my life, I loved to shop and knowing that I could go into any store, other than Lane Bryant, Ashley Stewart, or the Avenue (stores which I love by the way) I reveled in the fact that I could wear the clothes that my cousins wore and that I could borrow their jeans and stuff. That didn't last long though, my new job required me to sit on my butt for 8 hours of the day after I ate food. Then here came the weight. Ok, it sounds like I'm putting the blame on the job (which I probably am) but its what happened to help me add back on the weight.
So, after seeing my friend Friday night I came to this conclusion, I'm going to actually get up and do this weight loss thing. I am not going to complain about it anymore. I don't want to lose a ridiculous amount of weight, cause I like my curvatures (thanks Miss-Stress for the new word) but I would definitely like to have a smaller mid-section. That is where all the weight seems to go, so the next morning, or rather afternoon, my cousin and I made the trip to the gym.
Now, normally I dread going to the gym nearest to my house, because a lot of the women go there to show off, and not really work out and as for the guys that is where they try out their newest lines, and I don't want to keep idle chatter while I'm sweating like a pig. I just want to walk in get on the treadmill, so the elliptical and work on my mid-section and be out without having to endure the "Hey Ma, do you come here often" talk. Luckily it was quite empty. I was happy, other than the occasional gawks we worked out for about 1hr 30 minutes and left. I felt good, and stinky at the same time.
I think that instead of making it a new year resolution I am going to keep to it and try to make it a life altering decision. Now to get the procrastination and shyness out the way (yes, I'm shy) then I'll be a great individual all around. Wish me luck.. I'll keep you posted