Giving thanks

Today is the day where its ok to be a fat kid and eat to my hearts delight.. Ooh how I love Thanksgiving Day.

My family will be meeting up at my aunts house for dinner, but that's after I stop by my bestie's house for some grub as well. My aunt is going to introduce all of us to her new beau. I thank God that she's able to move on, 3.5 years ago she buried her husband, and she's opening up to someone new and I'm so happy about that for her.

Before I lose myself in helping after helping of glorious food.. I wanted to tell all of you what I am thankful for.

First and foremost I want to thank God for being a constant presence in my life.. without him there'd be no me.. My mom whose my everything. She's given me years of love and devotion.. Thank you God for giving her health and keeping her here with me.. I give thanks for my extended family who love me for me despite my insanity at times, thanks for my friends near and far who continually pray with me in all times, who are there for me through thick and thin and always giving me their ear. I give thanks for my bestie who through all our troubles and stupid fights have gotten to be better friends than anything, and for my god-son whose my little prince..

I also want to thank God for all of you who come and read this blog, I know I have my moments when I write and other moments when I don't but I want to give thanks for all of you because when I do write you leave your comments and they mean so much.. I love and appreciate all of you..

Have a wondeful and safe Thanksgiving...

Giving thank

When you care so much it hurts

Being a teacher in NY has its good moments and its bad moments. There are times when I love doing what I do and there are times when I wonder why God has put me in a place where there is so much trouble and so much pain. The kids are going through so much now a-days it makes me appreciate the love that my mother gave me.

This last week has been the toughest for me. One of my favorite students got arrested, and it broke my heart. He is such a great kid, so smart and so driven.. I wonder why he would go and do such a thing.. this makes no sense. So let me explain how I found out...

I was putting up some of my students work on the board outside of our classroom when my student (lets call him Trevor) ex-girlfriend walks over and says to me if I heard what happened? She was so distraught and was so ashamed to tell me. I said to her that I am open whenever she wants to talk to get it off her chest. She eventually told me that Trevor got arrested, for armed robbery. I looked at her dumb founded and heartbroken. She said that since Sunday he was in jail and that it doesn't look good. After the initial shock wore off I hugged her and said that we'd talk later because she was going to be late for class and so was I.

This kid just turned 17.. he was graduating in June.. he is in the top 10% of his class, how the heck could this happen?

Trevor has had a troublesome couple of years. He grew up without his dad, and about 2 years ago his mother passed away. Despite it all he's worked hard to be a good student. He did what he had to do in school. What made things look really good in his favor was that he was a Special Education kid. He was diagnosed as having "ED" Emotionally disabled, but with counseling and other services he had learned to control himself and was doing phenomenal... Not many kids within the Sp-Ed system did was he was doing... but lets continue... He was living with his brother and from what I heard, his brother wasn't taking care of him the way that he should of. He wasn't giving him the monetary support that he would need and it was getting tougher to hide the fact that he was wearing the same clothes all the time. I wondered why he wouldn't ask someone, anyone for help, but I guess its tough to ask when you're 17, and you're a boy, and you have all these other ppl looking at you, and you've got a strong sense of pride.

After class I went into the teachers bathroom and I cried. I felt like I was hit with such a hard blow, how could this have happened to him? He spoke to me, why didn't he say something. I told him that I was there whenever he needed me.. I gave him my cell number... if he needed money WHY DIDN't he ask me.. I failed this kid.. Didn't I? I had to get into contact with his brother so I went to see the social worker at my school. After trying the home and seeing if we could reach him on his cell she and and I got his brother and asked him about what happened? The brother says that he has no idea what got into Trevor, he said that the situation at hand isn't like his brother at all, and why would he do such a thing. I couldn't tell him that he was the reason that Trevor decided to rob someone, that it was because of his negligence that Trevor decided to take matters into his own hands and try to take someone for their belongings.. that it was his fault that Trevor would be facing a life that was that much harder now that he'll have a record. I couldn't say these things because in actuality it wasn't all his fault. Trevor knew what he was doing, he knew that if he did this he could get caught. He knew that there would be consequences to pay and that it woudn't look good. Though, I knew all of his I still wanted to blame Trevor's brother for not being the parent that he was supposed to be to his little brother.

I had to get to my next class, I couldn't get the situation off of my mind but I had to teach others, there were other students that I could possibly save from heading down the wrong path.

After school my social worker called me into her office she informed me that bail was set at 300K! *insert continuous blinks right here* WHAT!!! This is his first offense... he has no priors.. Its ridiculous!! What I found out was that, he was with someone who had serious priors and he is guilty by association!! He wasn't alone, the other kid that he was with had a record already and was the one with the gun and was the one who pointed the gun and tried to rob the guy but since he was there and was his accomplice he has to also pay the price!

I invest a lot of time at my job. I make it my priority to know my students and let them know that they can talk to me when they are having problems. I tell them that I'm there to be their ear when they need someone to talk to or rather have someone there who will listen.. but I find that this is also taking its toll on me..I feel drained and overwhelmed. I feel like I may need to see someone because their troubles are becoming my troubles. They tell me something and I sit there and ponder on it for days. I will ask them about what they're going through and after I hear about it, it consumes me!

I spoke to my social worker about this and she says that this is what happens when you care about your job, when you care about those who lives are in your hands.. and when you care so much it hurts. It hurts because you want the best for them and though you can't give it to them you still try!

I know I can't save all my students, I know that there will be many whose lives I can't take control of. There are many that will fall and many that will give up, but my dream, my ultimate goal is to try and save at least 1... If I can save 1 from making the most detrimental mistake of their life I will feel accomplished. I will know that I came into this and though its going to take some time to make it, its ok, I will get through to some...

as for Trevor, I don't know whats going to happen.. but I pray that he's ok!!

Its Ok

ON Fb (facebook) there are these apps that you click on to give you words of inspiration or something to make you laugh, so ON this sunday when I was out with fam, and enjoying my time I clicked on "Know it all's" fb page and she had words from God, or rather thoughts from God.. SO I clicked and this is the message that I recieved.

God wanted me to know ... that it's OK. Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK.

I'm so happy about this message. It was right on time. There are times when you wonder about things and ask if things are going to be ok. Or you ask God how will you know if things will be ok? You ask for signs and words to help you through the day, and look he answered my prayers. I needed these words to settle into my spirit. I needed something to tell me that things were going to be ok. That no matter what is placed in my way and that no matter how many tears I've shed things are going to be ok, and to just be still and trust in him, and that is exactly what I'm going to do. Because everything is OK!!

You can't choose your family but...

The saying is that you can't choose your family but you can always choose your friends and when you do choose please choose wisely. But, what happens when you wish that you could choose your family? Or when your friends treat you, and care for you more than your family would? What happens then?

Yesterday, after a day of being grossed out by the most annoying person (see my FB status) I had a long drawn out conversation with one of my students.

One of the jobs of being an educator is that you are also a counselor to your students and you have to always be there to listen. But, moving along...I have been watching this young lady and I noticed how angry she has been. She always seems like she's at odds with everyone and yesterday after speaking to one of her friends she decided to talk to me and explain why she's been so angry.

The girl hates and I use this term just as harsh as she did.. she HATES her mother and her family members. I know many of you have this puzzled look on your face, and I know that I did also. I asked myself, "how can someone hate their mother?" How can someone just say that about the person that carried them for 10 months, its impossible. I initially thought that she meant that she was unhappy with her mother but after her explanation I found out that it wasn't an unhappiness she had with her mom, the girl had genuine hate for her mother.

Her take on this is that her mother had 3 kids by 3 different fathers knowing that these men would not be in their lives after they were born. She feels that her mother should've known better than to keep having children with men who were there for a moment instead of a lifetime. She tells me in minor details the problems she has with her mom, her main point is that her mother is selfish. "What mother would rather spend time with her girlfriends instead of her 3 children? The anger is so intense that as she's telling me why she's been the way has she has a tinge of sadness in her voice. My student harbors so much hate that it makes her seem so removed and unhappy when at this age in life she's supposed to be enjoying the moments of being a H.S. senior.

I remember my senior year, my concern at this time was graduating and prom and finding a date but this girl its finding a job so that she can buy a coat so she won't freeze when the winter months come. I want to tell her that things are going to be ok, and that she should go to college away so that she can do things for herself, but I can't. I can't give that advice to her because its not my place to tell her that. I tell her that college will be different, I say that if she plans to go away things maybe different and many of my friends have done it. But she says that she can because she wants to take care of her little brother because her mother seems not to want to do that.

How does someone's family make them more upset than their friends. I know that some friends are family. I know that sometimes when things go wrong it is a friend that comes to the rescue but I am just shocked that this is happening to such a young girl. These kids of ours have to be protected, and if its not the ones who carried them in their womb who wants to protect them, who will?

There is a fine line when it comes to teaching, and I don't want to overstep my boundaries, but I don't want to leave her hanging because she did come to me to talk. I want to help her in any way I can... but first the initial thing I know I will do is FIND THIS GIRL A JOB and a COAT!

Family, can't choose them so what to do with them?

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Today is my 28th Birthday!!



woohoo!!

Stay tuned for pictures and other surprise randomness that will happen today!

To do or NOT to do!! Internet Dating!!!

I remember going out on a date with a guy I met over a phone chat thing years ago ( I want to say maybe 4 or 5 years.) He and I had linked on this phone thing that my bestie had introduced me to. I was bored (yeah you know the drill) and I called and we connected and talked and we thought that it would be good to finally come together and meet up. When we met for the first time I was so disappointed.

Back in those days the first questions asked on a chat was age/and how do you look. Home boy told me was 5'10 brown skin and built. He stated that he worked out and was an avid gym goer. But the day I MET HIM.... Jesus be a video-recorder!! He didn't look like he said he looked. Homey ended up being 5'3 (shorter than I am) and he wasn't as nice as he was on the phone.. To add insult to injury he was just head and shoulders (NO NECK) then he was rude when we were walking in the street. I had no doubt that he probably wasn't interested in me, as much as I was disinterested in him, but hey no reason to be a D**k about it, but again that was some years ago...

Fastfoward to today 2009.. The internet has become THE way to find that person that you hope to be your "soul-mate," "bedroom buddy," or "bf/gf for right now!" After my last encounter with Mr. Head (thats what he will be refered to now) I became a skeptic of finding love over the net or even over the phone. I heard recently that Essence Atkins (Half and Half) got married to this man that she met off of Match.com Really?? I would've never thought that a hollywood superstar... (well a used to be hollywood superstar) would need help in finding a man, but again its 2009 and times have gotten tough on just about everyone so eh, why not here.. yet and still I'm a skeptic...

So, my friend met this guy on the internet. She didn't sign up on a dating site, she met him because he mailed her to ask about something with his admissions application. She works at a prestigous university and he was seeking admissions for his Masters and emailed to ask her about the follow up. She emailed him instantly and thats where their internet fling began.

The emails turned to a phone call, and then it went back to emails. She tells me that they'd email each other every day. She'd send him little notes through out the day just to say hello. He did the same. He spoke about them meeting up to go out on a date, and wining and dining a lot of good things being exchanged b/w the two of them.

They make plans to go out because the suspense of meeting is killing them. She says that they exchange pictures and stuff over the net (ahh the perks of technology) they like what they see and decide to meet up soon. The emails continue and what not then all of a sudden BLAM... no more emails. She says she went away because there was something that needed to be done with the family, but she still kept in contact. When she gets back to work the emails have ceased. No more phone calls either. She decides to call him, and he doesn't pick up. She sends him email and he doesn't respond. Now my friend says that she's over guys for right now. She doesn't want to deal with any right now. She's a bit heart broken because of this dude. She says she will never try to internet date again. Now I know that she doesn't mean that because she will try again, she's just going through the motions but I'm thinking... can you really find love over the net???

Still a skeptic!!

But as I am getting older! My birthday is TOMORROW, I do want to find love.. should I make that jump and at least give it an actual TRY???